Quickies: “My Mother-In-Law Keeps Bringing Us Unwanted Food”
Additionally, she keeps buying clothes for my 2-year-old daughter, and most of them are not comfy to wear and are just kept in the wardrobe. She will bring all the ingredients from her house to my place to make soup for my daughter, but her cooking skills are really, really bad — the soup is basically tasteless. I end up having to finish it for not wasting food.
I ask my husband to tell her not to do all these things, but then we quarrel as you know she is still his mom. I really hate her for threatening my relationship with my husband. I rarely talk to her in order to maintain a distance from her. The last time when I was friendly to her, she started messaging me and calling me all the time to ask all sorts of things. I really hope you can give me some advice. I can’t vent this to my husband or my parents. — Over it
If it’s really so horrible having a mother-in-law who cooks for your daughter, buys her clothes, and brings food for you and your family you could be more proactive in how you include her in your life, setting some terms that may limit the actions of hers you find so intolerable. For example, you could invite your mother-in-law to your home on a regular basis — say two times a month — so she can stop inventing reasons to come by and stop being so desperate for a bit of your time and attention. Invite her over for dinner so there’s an end time involved and you can be in charge of the cooking (or ordering delivery). Better yet, go have a day to yourself when she comes over and while she hangs with your husband and daughter. Or, ask her to babysit while you and your husband go have that private time that you hope for every weekend. It’s not the end of the world if you have to throw out some food you don’t eat or donate some clothes that don’t get worn.
1. He is still sharing a house with his ex. He stays in the cottage and she stays in the main house according to him. I haven’t been there. I have not met his kids even though he has been to my house many times and met my kids. He hasn’t told his kids about us yet.
2. He has no plan as to when he is moving out and he is not sure when he tell his kids about us. I have not even met his friends. He gets cross and defensive every time I bring this up.
3. He spent the whole festive season – Christmas and New Year’s – with his family. We only communicated through text.
I feel like I am wasting my time with him. I feel like I am the last option and not part of his priorities. He only gives me attention when his kids are away. Please advise. — Bottom of the Priorities
He is not available to you for a real relationship and you are the other woman he only sees when he’s able to get away from his family. He is lying to you. Please MOA.
Throw a party (and tell guests that you have plenty of wine and, if they’d like to contribute something, to bring an appetizer or a fun game instead). And in the future before a special occasion, give your significant other some gift ideas or the names of or links to stores you especially like. You might even consider creating a wish list, and then if he asks, point him to that. Not everyone is a great gift-giver without some guidance, and after sixteen years together, maybe the poor guy just ran out of ideas for you. I wouldn’t read too much into it if your relationship is otherwise happy and going smoothly.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1 – She is not threatening your relationship with your husband. You are doing that. Tell her how much you appreciate your bringing fruit, but that you and your husband rarely eat it, and you’d hate to see it go to waste. Repeat every time she comes over. If she cries, she cries.
LW1, start drinking smoothies made with that fruit. They taste good, you get all the fiber and nutrients, and it’s easy to cut up fruit and freeze it in baggies.
Also, hell, try eating more fruit for snacks. It’s good for you!
Throw more salt into the soup. Or hot sauce or whatever. It’s freakin winter, soup is a nice, hot, complete meal, what’s the issue?
Finally, take a pic of the kid in her new outfit, send it to MIL, then *donate* it, rather than leaving it in the closet.
Oof LW1 you really should follow Wendy’s advice. Your husband is certainly picking up on your distaste for his mom and it’s going to poison your marriage.
From the letter it sounds like MIL is an exhausting type, who does not listen and her “help” is not really helping because she thinks about what she wants, not what people need. I don’t understand why everybody suggest that the mother (probably already busy with housekeeping and taking care of her child) must find time to deal with unwanted gifts that she clearly stated she doesn’t need. Using MIL to get the help they need seems like a good idea, but I can bet she will not listen anyway.
Totally agree with Wendy. There is such a dislike in your letter. Being married means handling the in-laws and have a relationship with them. She feels insecure because of your hostility. Follow Wendy’s advice and it will amend, surely.
Someday that two year old girl will grow up and get married. Start acting for good karma now and stop being so rigid and critical.
LW1-This is really the definition of a first world problem. I wonder about your background because you seem to have a huge fear of waste which I think is driving your frustration here. You aren’t even paying for this stuff so if its not a budget issue. I think after you tell your MIL gently once that you don’t want things like X (fruit, clothes, soup etc.) then you should release yourself from the guilt of wasting the unwanted stuff she gives you. Donate the clothes, bring the fruit to the office breakroom with a sign that says its open for taking, and just throw out the soup if its so bad.
Yeah, at my last office, we got fresh fruit delivered every Monday, and it would all be gone by mid-week. Any fruit salad that came with breakfasts would be gobbled up too. People like fruit, and it’s not cheap.
LW1 – WES you sound very whiny and ungrateful. I am so delighted any time my MIL gets to come over and spend time with us…she also lives over an hour away. Does she do everything perfectly, the way I would? No! But it’s the thought and intention that I focus on, and how appreciative I am of her willingness to help. That’s what gratitude looks like.
LW2 – he’s not divorced, separated, or living in the guest house. MOA
LW3 – I get cases of wine delivered quarterly. I didn’t realize that made me an alcoholic, but thanks for the enlightenment.
I’ll happily take the case of wine off of LW3’s hands.
LW1- you wanna trade MIL? Fruit is expensive and not sure why your family isn’t eating fruit ,that’s your prerogative, but it has lots of awesome nutrients. Maybe you should learn how to bond with your MIL. If she wants to buy your daughter clothes then schedule a time you can go together and shop so she can learn what you like for her to wear and learn how to make new food recipes together if you don’t like hers. You can be honedt in a nice way, like hey that soup isn’t hitting the spot with my tastebuds lets try something else. If she isn’t insulting you, putting you down, and trying to run your family then maybe its you. Alll those gestures sound sweet. I think she cries because she is trying to be good to you and form a relationship.
LW1: You dislike your MIL, and that causes you to see harmless behavior as annoying, even malicious. If there was a specific inciting event to set off your dislike, perhaps try to resolve your feelings around that. Otherwise, fake it until you make it.
LW2: Even if everything he told you was true, he’s being nasty by getting cross when you bring up meeting his children or friends. You deserve better.
LW3: Is there more here? Did you buy him dozens of carefully chosen, thoughtful gifts, and he just got you a case of wine? Because you say you DO drink wine, every week in fact. Did he get you red and you prefer white? Do you normally drink boxed wine to stretch out how long it’s good for? Worst case scenario, you’re getting three months of (presumably) good wine, longer, if it’s a white you can refrigerate. Is there a history of alcoholism in your family, and this kicked off anxiety about your drinking? There just has to be more to this story.
LW1 – I think the idea of you taking control of your calendar would be better. So for me, my in-laws pick up my son from daycare once a week. They grab him around noon and bring him back around 6. Sometimes they go back to their home or to ours or out to do an activity. It works great because we then have an evening visit and they have one on one time with their grandchild. They normally give him dinner so it is one less thing for me to do. Our weekends are then left largely open and everyone wins. I would turn this frustration into something that is helpful for you. Utilize your tribe, rather than resent it.
LW1 – your contempt for your MIL is sad and hard to read. She sounds like someone who is trying to make gestures of caring and is being met with coldness. Schedule times for her to come over on some weekends that won’t interfere with your private time. If she happens to make soup, there is salt and pepper. She buys your daughter clothes that she’ll never wear? That isn’t unique to her – lots of grandparents do that. Take a picture and donate them. It takes no time to respond to a text. She sounds like she’s being mildly annoying at worst, but nothing you’ve written seems to portray her as malicious or out of control–and your comments about her being dumb and how you really hate her for “threatening” your relationship are harsh.
LW3 – I have 1-2 glasses of wine a week, and I get wine delivered regularly. It’s really useful to have bottles to bring over to friends houses for parties, or to have something nice to have with dinner. I don’t think getting a crate of wine signals “alcoholism” in any way, shape or form, and on the spectrum of gifts, it’s rather nice. I’m wondering what in the world was so insulting about it?
I feel so sorry for the MIL in LW1s case. LW1, I know this is just a snippet of your relationship, but you’re coming across very cruel in your letter. Grandparents are valuable, even if they come with minor annoyances. And yes, these are minor. You don’t like fruit? I’m sure there’s a pantry nearby who would welcome fresh fruit. Or, I don’t know, try giving it to your daughter – most kids like fruit. You don’t like the clothes? Donate them and invite her to shop with you, or just tell her. My MIL used to buy fleece clothes for my son, so I thanked her and then told her that he gets too hot in fleece, so now she buys non-fleece items. Even if she doesn’t start buying more useful things, that’s ok. Accept the gift graciously, then donate it and be happy that someone less fortunate will have a brand new item for their child that they might not have been able to afford any other way.
Your reasons don’t seem all that critical to me, but maybe she just annoys you in general. One thing that helps me deal with people who I find annoying is to start a gratitude exercise directly related to them. Try to be grateful for her contributions and frame them in a positive light. If you can find a way to appreciate the fact that she wants to help you, you’ll be more kind in your approach to guide it, and hopefully she’ll be more receptive. For example, my husband’s grandma gives everyone kind of off the wall gifts. She always has, and people will make fun it if when she’s not around. They started that with me and encouraged me to mock something, and I just said “she’s not obligated to get me anything, and it was nice of her to think of me.” And then I donated what I didn’t want. Don’t use up a bunch of energy with negativity towards her. It doesn’t do anyone any good. Be kind and set a loving example for your daughter.
I’m more skeptical of LW’s MIL. The red flag to me is that she uses crying to get her way; that’s manipulative. If someone tells her to pull-back, her only response should be, “You got it. Thanks for letting me know.”
If my MIL, whom I ADORE, came over every weekend, I would be pulling my hair out with frustration. You need to get your husband on the same page so that you and your nuclear family can grow together and when you as a nuclear family want to share time with MIL, then you can invite her in. She should not be inviting herself over.
I definitely see the contempt from the LW buuuuut….I feel like the MIL might not be as “nice” as she seems. Any reasonable person who is told to stop doing something and does not stop, shows me that that person only cares about herself.
I don’t think this is as clear cut as LW being an asshole and MIL being some poor, sweet, trampled on old lady by a jerky DIL. There’s more to this extended family dynamic that we aren’t seeing laid out in this letter.
We are in agreement about husband backing up the LW and being the person to set the boundaries.
What I can’t fathom is how many people are okay with the MIL coming over every weekend, uninvited. That’s flat out rude–
which is another indication that there is more to this story from the LW’s perspective of other types of boundary-stompoing (Unless the LW’s husband is inviting her over? It’s actually unclear. I am assuming she is not specifically invited).
Agreed! The first thing the LW mentions is the need for time with her husband. Sure, sometimes maybe they want to go out and the MIL can babysit, but having time just to unwind at home without anyone else is also pretty precious. It’s completely fair not to want your MIL in your home EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND.
I imagine if this is cleared up, all the other petty problems will seem much less irritating and the LW may actually appreciate (most of) what the MIL does.
I mean, I’ve said on multiple occasions that she has a legitimate boundary in asking that her MIL not come over every weekend. So…I’m (and a lot of other people) definitely not saying it’s okay.
And maybe if we could get the full picture of the MIL’s behavior, we’d have a different opinion. But based on what she wrote in (her opportunity to pain herself in the best possible light) my two initial reactions are a) let’s put this in perspective I see that your peeved but consider the behavior of lots other MILs out there – she’s far from the worst so let’s reign in the disdain here and b) this is really an issue with you and your husband – he needs to be on the same page as you – sounds like you guys aren’t in alignment here. Work on that.
Thanks @The Rascal, for saying what I wanted to say. An in-law – no matter how sweet or well-intentioned – who invades your space too much, and a spouse who refuses to do anything about it, can be tough on a marriage. Yes, the LW’s contempt is very obvious here, and yes, too much food and clothing is a “first world problem,” but the fact that it doesn’t sound like the husband is willing to sit down with the LW and negotiate what works for the both of them in terms of parental involvement/visits, and convey that to his mom, is problematic.
I re-read that letter to see if I missed something—LW 1 doesn’t say the MIL shows up without warning. Most likely, the MIL talks to her SON (LW’s husband) to let him know she’s coming.
Since this jerk “rarely” talks to her hated MIL, that makes the most sense to me.
This⬆️
Yes, you have a child. You are very likely to be a mother-in-law someday. Is this how you want to be treated? Is this what you want your child to learn is the way to treat people, particularly HER GRAMMA? You need to rethink this relationship or you could well be on the other side of a cold, tense familial relationship in the future.
And so unkind to your husband too. He doesn’t want to be in the middle of this and it’s pretty hard to stand up for you when he can see how unkind you are to his Mother. It’s so little effort to extend kindness compared to the burden of the anger and resentment you are carrying around.
Damn. I wish I had LW1 and LW3’s problems.
And, LW2, you know deep down he’s still married. MOA.
LW1 you don’t have to adore your MIL. That’s not a life requirement.
You guys have personality types that don’t mesh, you wouldn’t seek out her company if you weren’t married to her son. That’s fine. Smile, be polite, let your husband handle most of the interaction.
However, you should recognize you’ve got it pretty good. Some mother in laws meddle in their sons marriages. Some mother in laws usurp your parenting decisions. Some mother in laws are outright nasty. You just have a mil that wants to be involved. It’s not the worst thing ever. Eat the fruit, or donate it, or just compost it. Let her cook one meal a week even if it’s not great. Maybe cook a side to add if you really don’t like it.
The one thing where you might have a legit compliant is that she visits every weekend, and getting advance notice on when she wants to come over. I do think it’s reasonable to have weekends that are just for the nuclear limit. But that’s more of a husband problem. You need to work with him on agreeing what that limit should be, then you need him to set and enforce that limit with her.
If she cries at that, it’ll be on him to deal with.
I like this approach & response
LW 1: Donate the clothes and throw away the unwanted food. I know it’s wasteful, but you’re not obligated to keep food you don’t want to eat. And talk to your husband about setting boundaries around your MIL’s visit–you both need to agree on how often she can visit. And if she shows up announced, don’t let her in the house: “We’d love it visit, but we’re busy right now. See you next weekend!”
Man LW1: your MIL is soo dumb! She doesn’t even no how to make soup! and then you have to add a couple of seasonings, and then get to eat lots of free delicious food. That is just fucking miserable! What a dummy! And lets talk about that barbwire clothing she’s buying your kid, get the fuck out of here with that shit. Who does that?! And then she goes and buys you fruit, fucking fruit are you kidding me! I mean if that’s not an evil dumb MIL, then I don’t know what one is. I mean you have it so so bad. I would pack up and leave that extremely unpleasant household right away.
Dear Wendy, my MIL bough us a box of cheerios that have just been sitting there for a month, how do I get rid of this women? PS she loves my daughter too much so that’s annoying too. please help.
I think LW1 has made one fair point: she wants to spend time with her husband (and presumably her kid) on their own. Everything else is pretty petty.
It’s completely reasonable to have 1 or 2 weekends a month for just your and your husband and child. Tell her directly, remain calm, and don’t back down if she cries. Preface it by saying that you appreciate her dedication to your family, but the three of you really need some time for yourselves.
Everything else is completely manageable. Don’t get into arguments about it because THAT is what will poison your marriage. Your MIL shows she loves your family by bringing them fruit and clothes. While it might be mildly inconvenient, it’s really not a big deal.
I really dislike how you called your MIL ‘a bit dumb’. And everything else you said about her paints an adequate picture of how impossible it will ever be for her to do anything right, including bringing you food, making you food, providing clothing for your daughter and attempting to contact you to build a rapport…the one time you stooped down to talk to her. If it’s evident to so many people who don’t even know you, I’m sure it’s blatantly obvious to your family. You don’t deserve the woman IMO.
While I agree that LW1 sounds hostile and harsh towards her MIL, I am sympathetic to her feelings of intense frustration of being unheard in her marriage and in her own home. There are indeed worse problems to contend with than having to deal with unwanted food and clothes, but cleaning out the refrigerator of uneaten food and donating unwanted clothes does take time that a working mother would rather spend on other things. The real problem is that the MIL refuses to listen to the LW, and instead bursts into tears whenever the LW tries to set reasonable boundaries. That her husband refuses to step in and help is a serious martial problem.
LW1: I wish I had your problem. We only have 1 grandparent available, who has to divide her time between all 4 grandkids. I would LOVE for someone to take off the pressure, bring us food (btw who doesn’t like fruit??), come spend time with her grandkid so at times me and my husband could have some one on one time. What the hell is the problem here?
PLEASE appreciate what you have: an adoring mother-in-law who wants to be a part of your lives. DAMMIT LET HER.
I sympathize with lw1 as I feel the main problem is that her boundaries are not being respected and neither her husband nor mother-in-law care about either her wish for less inundation of food, clothes etc, or that she wants or more alone time with just her husband and child.
There seems to be a real lack of respect and kindness for letter writers here. Bittergaymark’s comment is particularly disgusting.
Lw1 – you need to try again to have a serious conversation with your husband and communicate to him how much the situation is bothering you and that you need his support. Also therapy might help you to learn to enforce your boundaries, particularly with people who use emotional manipulation. If you can get some boundaries in place your relationship with your mil may improve, and hopefully you will learn to appreciate her efforts to help as you feel less threatened by them.
Boy, there are some rude responders on here. I have a mother that brings me things constantly that I don’t want,can’t use.don’t like. She also brings them to my business and wants me to use/sell them there. I have asked,explained etc. either not to give me anything or tell her the kind of things I WOULD use. Nothing has worked,as she won’t listen and also nags me about the stuff-asking if I have used it etc. She treats me like I am a child,telling me how to run my business etc.
Does this make me want to spend time with her? NO I think she is rude and disrespectful-I don’t need micro-managing.
It may not be the exact scenario but I get where the L.W. is coming from. Some people do not respect other’s space and boundaries. Also,everyone is different and maybe not as social etc. There needs to be a balance here.
LW1 – I am in your boat and we don’t even have kids. MIL insists on making a meal for us every week. We have asked her not to on numerous occasions. She also likes to use our house as a dumping ground for items she no longer wants without asking if we would like them. Here is my advice for you: 1) You don’t need to be the point of contact with your MIL. I am a firm believer that he should deal with his family and you should deal with yours. 2) Don’t feel bad about throwing away the food. What more can you do? You’ve asked her not to bring additional food and she refuses to listen. At the end of the day it’s a power move on her part. My MIL has specifically said she wants to feel useful still. Noble? Perhaps. But find another way to feel useful – I don’t need or want to be cooked for. If she asks you about the food after the fact be honest and tell her you didn’t eat it. 3) Just quietly round up everything she has given you and your child that you don’t want and donate it. You won’t change her, so it’s easier to throw away some food and bring a box of stuff to goodwill every now and then than go through a divorce for no reason.
But I know how you feel. You want to throw the food in the garbage while she watches. And it’s all because she has no desire to respect your wishes. She’s doing it solely for selfish reasons.
LW1: I don’t feel so sorry for your MIL. She tries to be kind and you’re so hateful. I pray my son never marries a woman like you.
LW3: I would be confused as well. Is this a complete departure from his normal gift giving? If so, you just have to ask him what he was thinking. Approach him kindly, but I would not categorize him as a “poor guy.” If my husband got that for me my jaw would drop. It seems like a thoughtless, last minute gift. I love Wendy’s ideas though, giving lists is the only way my husband and I give gifts, that way there’s still a surprise, and not an unhappy one.
LW1-WWS. Not sure how any of what you described raises to the level of hostility you’re showing.
LW2-he is still married & lying to you. MOA.
LW3-WWS. You’re insulted over this gift??? Think that’s an overreaction.
Your MIL is a bit needy, and she is really trying to be needed. Why not give her lots of things to do:
• Can you help me do the dishes while I clean the refrigerator?
• Can I give you a list of things [child] needs so that you can shop for them? I’m so busy working that I barely have time to shop for groceries.
• Speaking of groceries, we would love to have you bring us bagels, cream cheese and lox instead of fruit. I know. Fruit is good. But we’re just not fruit people.
• Next time you visit, would you be willing to babysit? Husband and I would love to go out to eat and see a movie and we trust you to take care of our child.
And so forth.
Of course she cries, she’s probably riddled with anxiety, working overtime trying to win over her shrew of a DIL who is seething no matter WHAT she does, or how far backwards she bends over to please. She’s constantly decoding snark or silence, lapping up any crumbs of attention from the wife of her son and mother of her grandchild.
FFS lady. Add some seasonings. Bring the fruit to your office. Donate the clothing, or better yet, send her some clothing links. “Look at this shirt, little Brunhilda just loooves butterflies!” “Doesn’t this dress look cozy? She likes things made with this kind of fabric.” This poor woman is working so hard for your approval, I am sure she’d probably take input. Or send her a recipe that you would “like to make together”.
Make an effort. Because if this issue does crash your marriage, it will be because of you.
And if you’re wondering, yes, there are things that drive me crazy about my MIL. But she adores my kids and expresses it her way. Not the way I might choose, but whatever. I appreciate that, and tell her so, and make sure my kids appreciate it too.