“Should I ask Wedding Guests Why I Haven’t Received a Gift From Them?”
Absolutely not; if the answer is “no,” imagine how awkward everyone will feel. Instead, send a thank you note for their attendance at your wedding and in helping you feel love and supported on such a special occasion. If they sent you a toaster that got lost in the mail, they’ll know from its absence in your note that it likely didn’t make it to you and they can follow-up from there.
I’m on holiday now and I’m worried he will cheat while I’m away and I won’t know about. Also, he never takes me out and when I get angry about it, he makes up excuses for why he can’t take me out. But I love him and he made me meet his family and they knew were together, so I’m confused and I really don’t know what to do. Help. — WTF
If he’s telling other women he loves them and refuses to take you out, he’s really not your boyfriend and you need to MOA.
He and I have past history; I lost my virginity to him when I was younger we dated along time ago. We’re pretty much just trying to pick up where we left off, but I don’t think this is going to work in his favor. He always says that I’m the one cheating on him, and I’m sorry, but I am very faithful to the men I date. So what is your advice to me? Should I call it quits because he’s already been caught in the act and constantly lies about it or give him another chance? — By Chance to Dream
This is a mess and as a mother, you should be protecting your daughter from getting more attached to someone who is so clearly not boyfriend material for you and will likely cause turbulence if he remains in your and her lives. If you can’t MOA for yourself, do it for your little girl who doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this kind of drama.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Holy cow….
LW1- Do what Wendy said. A gift is NOT required at a wedding. Yes, it’s nice to get them, but no one has to give you a gift. Also, why are you owrrying about this when it hasn’t even happened?!
LW2- Seriously?? He only says he loves you when you fight or walk away from him, yet you believe that he wants to marry you?? Grow up. You’re not mature enough to marry anyone. Break up with this loser before he cheats on you.
LW3- WWS. As a mother, you need to be putting your daughter and her wellbeing first right now. This guy certainly isn’t the way to do that.
my letter is LW1. It’s the same reason I just got the invitations yesterday for the November 3 wedding – have to be prepared for all situations 4 months prior! 😉
Plus Wendy wanted more letters and I really don’t have any relationship issues.
So, since you’ve IDed yourself as LW1, let’s just ask this directly: are you of the belief that people are obligated to get you presents because you’re inviting them to your wedding?
not at all! 🙂 Just wanted to make sure that people are properly thanked and didn’t know the best way to do that.
Haha! This makes much more sense now, knowing who it’s coming from (and knowing a little context). I think many of us probably jumped to the conclusion that the LW was gift grubbing- which I know you wouldn’t do, and not just over thinking things 🙂
I’m so glad you asked! I’m getting married soon and I would absolutely hate it if someone sent something to me (or worse left an envelope at the wedding itself that “walked away”) and I didn’t receive it and then didn’t thank them properly. I thought her solution was a great one, and puts the onus on the guest to follow-up with an inquiry, which is much more tactful than asking.
I’m actually a little worried because I had a gift shipped off a registry, but from what I can tell, the registry doesn’t know my name (unless it’s going by my credit card info). I probably wouldn’t contact the bride about the gift unless I received a note like the one Wendy was suggesting. Mostly because I wouldn’t want to sound like I was hinting that I deserved a thank-you (even though thank-you notes are pretty mandatory).
I’m in the exact same situation, Lindsay! I’m hoping that when the bride gets my nameless gift, she’ll check her registry and be able to see that I sent it. I know she wouldn’t mind if I didn’t send a gift, but I did, and I would be so mortified if she thought I didn’t.
In my experience, even if the person didn’t send a message along with the gift off the registry, the box always had some kind of invoice with the gift-giver’s name and address. Not all stores keep track online though: Macy’s was really nice because they kept a registry list going online with names, addresses, and even what the person purchased. Bed Bath & Beyond, however, did not, which ended up being really annoying if we lost the invoice that came in the box!
I’m shocked that your bride friends didn’t send thank you notes to guests who didn’t give a gift, that’s so rude. You thank thank for attending and celebrating with you!
This is super late, I must have missed it the first time around. But we had gifts stolen from our wedding. We could tell because we didn’t get gifts from a very close friend, and also from some family members who just always give to everyone at these events. We asked the close friend if they had given a gift, it was a bit awkward but we wanted to make sure they were actually stolen so we could make a complaint to the venue and our planner. The close friend confirmed that they had given us something, so we ended up sending them a thank you note for the gift, and doing the same for anyone else who we assumed had given one we didn’t receive. We just made the thank yous kind of generic, since there was nothing else we could do. Also we couldn’t be positive of who had even given a gift, so we didn’t thank for the gift, but for their presence and their wishes and thoughts. I felt kind of awkward writing those notes, since I usually like to comment on the gift and how we will use it, but I figured a generic thank you is better than no thank you.
Again, WWS x3
What is with the women seeing that their BF tells another woman that he loves them and not knowing if they should MOA? And LW3: “telling others girls that technically I’m not his girlfriend” WTF? Why would you put up with that?
LW1 – The rule is we have ONE YEAR to send gifts. I just gave gifts for the wedding I attended in Oct. and the one I attended in April. It’s only been 1.5 months since the May wedding I attended, so, by my calculations, I still have 10.5 months to give them a gift … So everybody back off!! Sorry, I’m just projecting a bit my own anxiety about always being a late gift-giver. Well, a post-wedding gift-giver, because as we just established a gift within 1 year of the wedding is NOT LATE!!! (Or did I just make up this one year rule?) But, still, LW, don’t say anything, even if the year is up and the gift never came. If they sent a gift that got lost in the mail, when they don’t hear from you about it, they’ll follow up. I did that once. Sure enough, my gift was lost in the mail. Actually everyone who purchased gifts off their Home Depot registry had lost gifts. That is one reason why you don’t register at Home Depot. I hate that place. That couple ended up getting divorced. See? Don’t register at Home Depot…. God, I’m rambling. My point is: I have 10.5 months to give a gift to the May bride and groom so really, everybody, back the f off.
Whew.
It’s very clear now that you need to go back to Bikram!!! You need 90 minutes of moving meditation 🙂
Seriously. Why again do you not live in Chicago so we could go to Bikram together?
I know. And I like red wine. It could have been perfect…
I think the 1 year rule is standard. I recently sent a couple a gift but I haven’t heard anything, so I’m having my boyfriend casually bring it up just to make sure it didn’t get lost (it was signed by someone at their apartment complex, not by them, so I was never sure). I’m not a stickler for thank-you notes but I still wanted to make sure they got it.
See, I think that’s totally ok. If I send someone a gift and don’t get a thank you, then I feel since they are so rude to not say thank you, its ok for me to ask.
Totally agreed. I’d give them maybe a month to get the thank-you cards out (although really they should get them out sooner).
This is exactly the question I have- what do you do when you’ve sent a gift but haven’t received a thank you note? Do you casually bring it up, or outright ask? It also makes me afraid that the gift I sent was stolen from their front porch or something. (The weddings I have this question about were in August and October of last year…)
outright ask. If they just haven’t said thank you, they’re rude so you can be too. If you ask and they say they never got it, then everyone will find out where it is. 🙂
I think you’re right. No use tip-toeing around it. It’s just annoying to have to ask in the first place!
I know Ipve read that one year rule before, so it must be a thing.
But seriously? That whole materialistic wedding gift grubbing pisses me off. You´re supposed to want to share “your special day” with your loved ones, not expect those loved ones to buy you a present. I mena for Jebus´sake, I´ve explained to my 4yo that she shouldn´t expect presents from her friends for her birthday, you´d think a bride would have learned that lesson already. I hate weddings. I think I may have mentioned that before.
Ugh, was going to edit but it submitted. I don´t hate WEDDINGS, I hate the whole industry, and expectations, and bridezillas, etc.
People expect to be “paid back” for throwing themselves a party through gifts/cash. Its really gross. Someone I know just admitted to only registering for a few things so people would give cash.
see in my experience (through friends/family with slim pickings in the registry) you just end up with multiple toasters or blenders when you do that!
Ha! Well serves ’em right then!
That’s so ridiculous to only register for a few things! I always give gifts and a bad registry selection irritates me. I actually feel pretty bad because on our registry we have some big ticket items (high quality pots and pans) but I am totally NOT expecting anyone to buy them. It’s what we want to buy for ourselves, so I’d rather people know that’s what we want, then buy us a cheaper set.
Does that make sense? I’m not trying to be rude! I would be totally fine to not get any gifts at all, but I’d rather receive a present that we would use if guests bring a gift.
Oh ok, that actually does make sense. Like don’t bother getting me one that won’t fit our needs bc we’ll return it. I never thought of it like that. But I imagine a lot of people wouldn’t and would think you kinda do expect that someone (maybe wealthy grandma?) will get it for you. I usually assume that when I see a big ticket item, not that she’s expecting a broke 25 year old guest to get a $600 mixer.
We have lots of more “reasonably” priced item’s on the registry too. Like $20 glass sets and a toaster and stuff. So we tried to put a range of things is what I’m getting at, but I still felt bad about the $150 frying pan! But we’ll be happy if people just come to the wedding!
Thank goodness my mom already got me the mixer for Christmas last year.
Haha, one of my good friends told me if I ever get married she’s getting me a kitchenaid mixer, because the friends she’s had who had one on their registry and didn’t get one are now divorced.
I was baffled to find out my future mother in law and her sister both do not own KitchenAid Mixers. Like floored. I thought it was like a requirement of being a married woman! I’m totally obsessed with mine and it sits out on the counter. I find excuses to use it- like whipped cream with strawberries on a Tuesday- just because it is so awesome.
My dad’s siblings (so my aunts and uncles) always go in together on a gift. So, if there is a higher priced item, they buy together.
I think it’s smart to pick registry items in varying price ranges.
I’ve heard that it’s good to put at least one big ticket item on a registry. Sometimes people (especially co-workers or organization members) like to chip in together for a gift, especially one like that that you really really want but don’t expect.
It is an interesting concept to let people know what you’re looking for so they don’t buy something cheaper, but don’t people send gift receipts anyway? You could just return the items with the gift receipt.
I need to think more outside of the box. You and GG both gave totally reasonable reasons (reasonable reasons?) for putting a pricey item on the registry that I never would’ve thought of.
If you want to think outside the box for wedding gifts, you could always just go with the gift-bag option. Don’t over-think it, LBH.
harharharhar
Another reasonable reason: a lot of places (like Bed Bath and Beyond, where we registered) have “registry completion events” where they open the store only to the recently married couples, have prizes, and give you 20% off anything not already bought on your registry. So — to take an example from mine — when you put all the knives in the $1000 knife block set you want on your registry (that individually total like $1300), you can return the ones you got and basically get the whole knife block for only $100 out of your own pocket. We did that with a couple of things and specifically told people not to worry about the items, that we were just looking to get the 20% off 🙂
I did that with my Dyson. 4 of my friends went in together and bought it for my shower. I was very happy 🙂
Sweet. Do you love it? I’ve always wanted one, you know, for all the vacuuming I do ?
Yes I love it!! It works way better than our old vacuum (Bissle Lift Off), and it’s about 900lbs lighter than the old vacuum. My husband actually started vacuuming once we got it!
However… I think I broke it!!!! I have been keeping it a secret from my husband… I need to try to fix it this weekend!!
We just bought a hosue with hardwood floors and haven’t bought area rugs yet, so he hasn’t figured out that it’s broken yet…
Ok- is it bad that I don’t usually buy from the registry for weddings? I’ve been on this kick recently of doing a nice portrait for the bride and groom and having it framed… It takes more time but it is INFINITELY cheaper than some of the stuff I’ve seen on the registries.
I just had this discussion with my mom the other day. I don’t know. Honestly, I think what you’re doing is great and if it bothers people, whatever.
DO you mean like print a nice picture or paint a picture? Because if it’s paint then I think your gift is awesome.
If it’s print out a picture, I would be thankful to have received it, but might not have a place to use it…did that come out right? I was talking to my fiance the other day about getting a large print of one of our engagement pictures and he was like “don’t we have enough pictures of ourselves hanging up already??” So I’m sort of in the middle. A unique, hand made gift is awesome. Buying something totally random off registry is probably not the best idea, in my opinion.
No, I do a portrait of the bride an groom- and I usually do it in their wedding colors and add their wedding date..
I realized that totally didn’t answer your question- I draw and paint a custom portrait of the bride and groom.
Then that is awesome!! You’re taking time and energy to create something unique and personal. How nice of you!
I was refering to buying like a rando pot from TJ Maxx that I don’t think is the best idea.
You can give them whatever you want! It’s a gift! A family friend made us a beautiful mosaic with our names/wedding date on it, and we love it. However, some people buy you personalized stuff that’s really tacky/cheesy… use your judgement!
Also, lots of the time you get a discount on stuff you didn’t receive from your registry from the store. So yeah I would totally register for like, a new fridge just to get the 10% off.
Can I just say that I have registered like a bandit, both because I really don’t need a bunch of things that I can’t return (I’m big into getting people what they need, not the platter I think they like that becomes a useless item) and also because the stores give you a discount off your registry for 6 months after the fact! I don’t expect people to buy us the fancy pottery barn bed… but I am not leaving 10% behind when we buy it ourselves:) That’s another angle that may make brides look more bridezilla than they really are… just putting that out there.
Yeah, I have like $1000 worth of pots and pans on the registry…but you get a completion discount or rebate or something so hell yes I was going to put them on there! Plus they are amazing and I will pee my pants if we get any of them!
See, I don’t get why that’s bad that they admitted that. Fact: that most people give wedding presents to the people whose weddings they attend. Fact: most people would rather give something that the people want rather than stuff they don’t want. I don’t get why admitting either of those to a close friend is deplorable. It’s like sites that let people pitch in for your honeymoon or for excursions on the honey moon, or for a a portion of a couch or a downpayment of a house. I really don’t get why it’s bad to tell people what you would prefer, if you know most people are going to give you something.
Plus, cash is a cultural thing which we’ve discussed before. Jewish weddings, the registry is mainly for engagement presents, with some left over, and most people give cash (or really, checks).
I think the honeymoon thing is awesome. And you’re right, 99% of the time, you know youre getting a gift and its usually cash. I can’t get past the greedy factor of it though.
Maybe if they set it up like the honeymoon thing, its better in my eyes, like they’re being honest or something. Yes, I want you to help pay for my wedding.
Not I’m going to “invite” you, but actually I really expect you to pay for your part of it.
I’m obviously in the minority here, which I must admit is shocking, so maybe you’re right, its totally ok.
I feel a little weird about the registry thing, as I mentioned above. But if someone is going to be so nice as to get me a gift- it is nice that they have access to our a “wish list” so to speak. It would be kind of sucky to end up with 5 coffee makers when the whole wedding process was done with, when honestly my fiance and I already own three (I’m still not sure why we still have all 3…). I do feel a little guilty registering for expensive items but we’ve made sure to include a wide range of price points, like as low as $10.
yeh, I don’t think people should expect a gift. I always give a gift, but a wedding we recently went to involved driving 5 hours (destination wedding at the beach), renting a beach house, and staying for 4 days. I don’t think the couple will be surprised if not everyone can give a gift after spending that much.
I think that destination weddings have a no gift rule.
Really? How destination, really far? Like flying?
I’m going to a wedding this fall that’s about 3 hours away, we’re driving, but will stay the weekend in a hotel because its one of those weekend long weddings. I totally assumed I would still need to buy a gift (we’re very close so I would anyway, but I guess I ask for others).
I guess it really depends on what an individual can afford/ is reasonable for them. We’re going to a wedding 6 hours away this summer but it’s in my husband’s hometown so we’ll stay at his parent’s house and we go up there all the time so we’ll still be getting them a present. I also budget for weddings. However if a single person is going and has to get a hotel room I wouldn’t expect them to give a gift.
However, everyone should give a card.
See, this is how different everything is. I’ve been told never to bring anything to a wedding, including a card, even though that’s not as bad, and to always send the present. Like, that it’s almost rude to walk in with something that the bride and groom have to deal with on that day. Whereas you would think it’s rude to walk in empty handed. There are so many different ways to look at propriety for weddings.
I don’t know about that rule, but the bride & groom don’t have to deal with the present. Most bridal parties will handle that for them and big weddings often have an attendant just for the gift table. There’s also a relatively recent trend of having the gift opening the next day with the immediate family and select friends. I think it’s up to you what you prefer to do.
Every wedding I’ve ever been to (okay except one) has been a destination wedding for us. Because we live over 400 miles from any of our friends or family. If you can afford it I would bring a gift. Plus I think it’s fun to pick out wedding gifts, I enjoy it.
an example i have is a friend who got married in mexico. she did not expect gifts and put on her invites something like your attendance is a gift in itself. most people who did anything did something very small.
It has to be a distination for the couple – if it’s in the town where they currently live or are from, then it’s not a destination, even though it may be a destination for you. … And you owe a gift. But if the couple plans a destination wedding in Mexico, you’re off the hook. (Right? Putting aside, of course, those people who *want* to give a gift, by all means go for it.) … But what if you’re a guest and you happen to live in Mexico? Then maybe you should give a gift.
This is all giving me a headache and I realy don’t know why people don’t just elope in Vegas. I think it could be so cheesy that it’s adorable, if you do it right. “Right” being cheesy.
I am craving cheese so bad right now.
It gives me a headache too. I really didn’t realize that thank you cards were such a big deal. Just one more scary rule about weddings I didn’t know. I wanted to elope before but this just seals the deal.
Great. Now you’ve made me want cheese too.
I had a destination wedding (because I’m selfish as one forum concluded) and I had a no gift policy. I mean you’re flying to costa rica so i can walk my ass down the beach. But everyone brought gifts anyway. Well I think except my MIL funnily enough – but that’s because she’s the devil.
Man, you are selfish and a picky eater. How does Ethan do it?
Did people really say a destination wedding is selfish? When was that?
A while ago. I cried. Not really. I probably just said something feisty and sarcastic about them being horrible people. It is probably still in a forum. There was also a letter that discussed it. Ethan struggles with dealing with me. But I love cooking so it’s okay if I’m a picky eater because I always make awesome IWTTS approved food.
Not sure at all how its selfish. People are dumb iwanna. I don’t like the idea of Ethan struggling with anything. (now that his name’s Ethan, I feel a lot closer to him).
The two weddings I have traveled to go to, I never bothered to get a gift. But, I’m pretty broke, and a plane ticket is a large part of my extra money.
I didn’t buy a wedding gift for my bff, but her destination wedding was in Jamaica. I also threw her a shower. And bought a shower gift. She also had a reception when we all got back from Jamaica, which I had to travel to because we live five hours apart. Anyway, she understood me not buying a gift since I traveled to another country.
I did buy gifts for my friends/families when I lived in Florida and had to fly back to the midwest for weddings.
I think if you are the one throwing the party/shower/whatever, you really do not need to also buy a gift.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s a standard time limit.
I was recently a bridesmaid for one of my close friends and I was super broke. So I ended up giving her cards that said “I love you, I promise I didn’t forget about your shower gift(s), I’m going to get you a really nice wedding gift to make up!” Still felt awkward to come to the event without a gift to give her though. Ended up bringing the wedding gift to her housewarming party three months later. Haha.
Still, I wonder how many gifts are *actually* lost and how many people use that as an excuse.
In the case of the Home Debot registry debackle, ALL of those gifts got lost (or actually were never sent to the couple from Home Depot.) In that case, I never got a thank you card – because the couple never received the gift. Someone the couple realized that Home Depot had fucked up – I guess they wondered why NO ONE bought anything off the Home Depot registry, so they followed up with Home Depot. Now that I think about it, the bride actually reached out to me – I didn’t reach out to her re: the lack of thank you card. I know this b/c she reached out like 1.5 years AFTER the wedding. To tell me (1) Home Depot messed up so I should make sure I got my money back and (2) No need to resend a gift b/c they were getting a divorce.
That is a real rule, but I have to admit I’d feel a little weird sending a gift late without a good excuse.
What a totally obnoxious thing to do though. How immature can you be that you think in any kind of a situation itd be ok to ask why someone didn’t give you a gift.
I gave the Oct. wedding couple my gift *at* the May wedding of our mutual friends… They laughed. They cashed the check on the next Monday. All is fine. I’m still their favorite friend.
My gifts are always a card and a check, so I don’t know how the hell I can’t get my shit together in time for the wedding. But I know exactly why it takes me so long AFTER the wedding to send the card and check: FUCKING STAMPS. I never have them. I never know where to buy them. I never know how much they cost now. And by the time I think through all those things I don’t know about stamps, I’m exhausted, and I decide to send the check later. … Or give it to the newly weds the next time I see them.
I think I remember reading that in some places you can get stamps online now. MIght be worth checking it out. 🙂
Too late. I’m already exhausted thinking about how complicated it is going to be to get stamps.
Most grocery stores let you buy stamps too around here, AP. No excuses 😛
Oh don’t get me started re: how I don’t have time to go to a grocery store so am *forced* to eat out all the time.
I use my job’s stamps. Little thief I am. But walgreens and walmart even sell stamps. Get yo ish together!
My ATM sells stamps now! I love it!
I want to invite an ATM where you can take out: money, stamps, condoms, bus cards, advil, and those little disposable toothbrushes. And then I’d be all set. Except for who am I kidding, I don’t need condoms. But that would awesome. Why haven’t they invited that yet?
*invent, not invite
That’s a great idea! Almost as good as diapers with fart filters and an adult exer saucer.
All I was thinking was sounds not nearly as cool as the adult exer saucer.
I have post office a block away, so I just go there. However, if you can’t even make it to grocery stores, you may not have time either for the post office. But they still exist!
“P o s t o f f i c e”? Huh? I don’t get it.
Hallmark makes cards that are pre-stamped now. Any drugstore will have them.
Two thoughts:
1.) I don’t know why the rule became a year. I mean, that just seems way too long. 6 months makes sense. To be fair though, I’m also the guy who subscribes to the (perhaps slightly tacky?) life rule of “if I can’t give a gift in time for the wedding, I give them a head’s up,” so I don’t usually wait to give presents.
2.) I’ve seen this question a lot of times on this and other forums, and every time people jump all over them for being shallow and materialistic and whatnot. And speaking as someone who just got married, that’s a pretty crappy thing to do when there’s another very legitimate reason to ask that question, one that I think was fairly evident in the letter (if you set aside the “Do I send a card?” part, because I don’t think that’s what she really meant): you don’t want to appear like you’re blowing off their gift. Couples are supposed to have 2-3 months to send out the thank yous, and I know that there were a couple of people who I didn’t get presents from by the time we got back from the honeymoon, and I felt the same urge to ask them before sending a card to them. It wasn’t because I was thinking “How dare you come to my wedding and not get me a present!”; it was because I was thinking “If they got me something and I don’t think them for it, they’re going to think I didn’t like their present.” And, yes, I have friends I invited who WOULD think that, unfair though that may be; when you buy something off of a major store’s registry, people tend to assume it gets there on time and as intended, and they don’t stop and analyze the possibilities when they get a thank you that doesn’t mention a gift.
(I will say, however, that my whole “not expecting a gift” thing has a caveat: if you’re going to be a tool about wedding details to me, you should balance the bad karma by buying SOME present. I had an old mentor of mine who refused to RSVP until 2 weeks before the wedding, and when I tracked him down he insisted on a special order for the meal and requested I sit him next to certain people, which I managed to accomplish. Then he ignored us when we went around to the tables during dinner to say hello to everyone, and later complained that I never introduced him to my wife. I’m just saying, if you’re going to do that, buy me a freaking oven mitt or something.)
I think I remember reading somewhere that the year to give a present is actually an old rule, from back when mail was a lot slower than it is now.
gosh, 2-3 months to send out thank you cards seems like a REALLY long time to me. I mean, I understand that it takes a long time to get them all done, but they’re a priority. I think they should be done within the first month at least, and to me that seems like a liberal time frame. I was always taught two weeks after the couple gets back from the honeymoon.
I have a friend that got married six months ago and hasn’t sent thank you cards out yet and she doesn’t have a job currently! Not sure what she is doing that is keeping her from sending out thank you cards…
Are you related to Claire Bear the Intern?
Nope. Sorry!
Hypothetical question for you Clare, if you were an intern and someone lovingly named you Clare Bear, you’d (1) love it, (2) be tickled pink, and (3) love the person who named you that forever and ever, right?
Obviously!
THANK YOU.
Yeah, you think that, but I swear to God, I thought my arm was going to fall off!! I haven’t hand written anything in so long that after 2 cards I thougtht I was going to off myself. I tried to write 2-3 on my lunch break every day, so I wouldn’t get burnt out and they could still be genuine… It took forever. Thank God that’s over.
I *just* wrote my in laws TY cards for contributing to my birthday present, and even though I only had to write out 2 cards it was miserable. uugh.
So glad the wedding is over!!
Ha. What did you end up doing about the lack of gifts though? Did you actually ask?
I’m curious because I really don’t know how anyone could go about asking without making it at least uncomfortable.
Well, I’ve given him that 2 month window while I got all of the other thank-yous done (because I just get REALLY brain-fried writing more than 3 or 4 at a sitting when I’m doing it after a day at work!), and now that they’re done and I still haven’t gotten one, I’m going to just send him a “Thanks for coming” thank-you instead, and I’m going to chalk it up to his not bringing one. My personal moral world view is that it’s rude to go to a wedding and not bring SOMETHING for the couple, even if it’s just a card saying “Congrats!” It’s not that I think people are obligated to buy presents for weddings; I just think people should want to do it. I know that I’d never think of going to a wedding without getting something, even if it’s just a $20 bill in a nice card. That makes sense, right?
(I should note that this same guy also left his suit coat somewhere at the reception and enlisted me for like a month to help him find it. And I did. And he STILL didn’t even bring a card. I know it’s wrong to be pissed, but darn it, I’m pissed!)
And by “want to do it”, I mean “bring something for the couple”, not “buy presents.” I’d count a card as “something.”
I would always bring a card at least. Yea, I think that’s polite. Another reason is (I wrote below about a big bday party) I’m pretty weird with wanting to document things. After that party, I loved reading all the cards, I save every card I’m ever given actually and I look forward to going back through them when I’m older so for anyone who came but didn’t give a card, I made a list just so I’d remember they were there celebrating. Weird?
I agree with you. You shouldn’t show up to events empty-handed. Not at a dinner party, a birthday party, or even a barbecue, so certainly not at a wedding. It does not mean you have to buy a present. A card is fine, and if you can’t afford a card, then write a letter! But I’m assuming most people keep some blank cards laying around anyway, so it really shouldn’t be that difficult to write a short “Have a happy marriage!” note.
Is it you I’ve seen comment on the other site? I think so. Have you read the hitched series? She drives me up a wall for some reason.
hahaha “the other site….” That’s funny. Yeah, I’ve been reading “the other site” for about four years, though I pretty much given up hope on it by now. I’ve only read a few of those posts, so I just went over to check. It’s really annoying to write a long article about how awful her guests were, and this is what NOT to do at a wedding. She makes some good points, but seriously, you should want your guests to be comfortable. If they’re avoiding something, or if they’re upset for some reason, don’t judge them for it!
HA! I went to my friend’s wedding last Memorial Day and just gave him a gift, like, RIGHT before the 1-year mark. The sad thing is, I brought the gift to the wedding but left it in my trunk – and then kept forgetting about it over and over and over. I drove around with his gift in my trunk for SO LONG, and then finally brought it to his daughter’s birthday party. It got mixed up with her other gifts so she opened it, saw wine glasses, and then looked really confused. Oh well!
But he hadn’t heard of the year rule for giving gifts. I thought it was a “thing” too!
Good thing the wedding gift riding around in your trunk was not cheese!
I am hungry for cheese.
I have never heard of a one year rule. In my opinion, gifts should be given no later than the wedding day. If for some reason I was unable to give my gift on time, I would let the couple know I had ordered it and hadn’t received it, or whatever the reason was for the delay.
The bride and groom have one year to send thank you cards. I never heard of a one year rule for gifts.
I never heard of giving a gift up to a year. That’s ridiculous.i If you’re not giving it wedding day then don’t bother. This happened to someone I know whose friends ate and drank it up and never sent a thing. What kind of person would do that? Decline the invite if you’re too cheap to give a gift on their special day.
Just because you get married does not mean the world revolves around you and it doesn’t mean that everyone you invite owes you a gift, attendance or not.
A couple people didn’t give us a gift for our wedding and I did what Wendy said- I sent them a genuine thank you card saying how nice is was to have them at our wedding and how much it meant to us to have them there.
I meant it. You should too.
Lovely! I wish more people were like you.
I wish I got invited to more weddings of people like that. 🙂
(Though, I think my friends are like that. I have great friends. Not to toot my own horn, but they are wonderful.)
Thanks! I subscribe to the “be who I would want to have as a friend/sister/whatever” way of living.
Grumble grumble grumble. The backlash about weddings and entitlement bother me SO much more than actual entitlement!
Gifts are a part of weddings for the most part and dealing with them and addressing them doesn’t make someone a gift-grubber or overly entitled. My brother and his girlfriend are engaged and keep getting yelled at by extended family members for not registering yet. Gifts have become this huge source of stress for them but they realize they need to deal with it. The typical online comment suggestion is for them to tell the family members to back off or , I guess, donate to a charity. But neither of those is realistic and they need to get their acts together and register.
The idea that one shouldn’t even think about gifts when planning a wedding is, in my mind, ludicrous and actually, a self-centered way of considering a wedding. If weddings are a community event or a family event, then the idea of not having presents or giving zero guidance as to presents robs the guests of their part of the event and their chance to help you establish your “new” life. Telling my family not to buy me wedding presents would be insulting — akin to loudly announcing that I don’t need or want any help, taste or generosity.
Not to mention that it would also be insulting considering that I’ve given presents to all of them… they needed my generousity but I don’t need theirs. It creates an imbalance that many people don’t enjoy — many people consider the gift for attendance to be a fair trade so they aren’t indebted to your charity and both parties can appreciate each other’s generosity. Why do people buy each other shots? It’s silly; you can each buy your own. But the act of experiencing being generous and receiving the generousity of others is a wonderful feeling.
Of course gifts are not required and technically “should not be expected.” But if you don’t literally expect them, you’re an idiot who will have a bunch of boxes arriving at your house with no place to put them. There is nothing crass about actually ;;;appreciating’;;; gifts– not just saying that but truly appreciating them. And the things you appreciate the most are things that you actually want (even if you didn’t know you wanted it until you got it) — you appreciate the thought of ugly, useless gifts, but you truly appreciate things that you want or need. To consider those who appreciate the tradition and value of receiving presents is to reject the idea that presents can be appropriate or meaningful expression of a culture and a family, which I think sucks.
I agreed with you above about some points you made, but it seems like this just goes as much overboard as my disdain for gift-talking.
To say that it shows you have no taste by saying no need for gifts? I really think your focus should be solely on your marriage, not on what you’re going to get. I get a lot dont agree with that.
“Not to mention that it would also be insulting considering that I’ve given presents to all of them… they needed my generousity but I don’t need theirs.” That’s just crazy if you ask me. It’d be insulting to say you don’t have to give a gift?
And then to say some gifts, the ones you didn’t specfically tell people to get you, are “UGLY and USELESS” Come on 6, that’s furthering my notion that its greedy at its core. I hope you find my reply above where I admitted to seeing your point about certain things gift related so you don’t think I’m just totally disagreeing with you.
Just off the bat– the taste thing was a weird sentence structure thing. The sentence meant to say that it would be akin to me saying that I didn’t want any of my family member’s input because I didn’t appreciate their taste — not that people who say that don’t have taste. It was badly worded, as was the last sentence, which left out a “to consider them with distain”
No of course I don’t think you’re just disagreeing with me. And I didn’t meant to imply that if it’s not on the registry that its “ugly and useless.” I just meant that some things people give you ARE ugly and useless (I have MANY examples from my ex’s mom including 4 ounce hideous fake crystal coffee mugs, with cut glass patterns, a handle you couldn’t hold and sides you couldn’t touch when hot) and that when you receive those, you appreciate the thought behind the gift, but it didn’t mean I liked those mugs. I meant that it’s ok to appreciate the gifts themselves – to like the gifts– and that its ok to WANT to like the gifts. And this works because most people (my ex’s mother aside) WANT to give you something you’ll like and use. So everyone wins when you convey what you would like, and both parties can feel good about the gift.
And for the record, yes, people can feel bad if asked not to give presents. I make significantly more money than most if not all the members of my extended family. If I invited them to a wedding where I said no gifts, they would interpret it as me thinking that they couldn’t afford to give a present and they would be offended. It’s like treating someone to dinner over and over — no one who works (or who doesn’t) likes feeling like the other person think’s they are poorer than they are.
LW#1 It is common for people to send wedding gifts with in the first year. Also it is not “required” for someone to give you a gift when they come to your wedding. Be thankful they took the time tocome and celebrate with you. Presents are icing on the cake. Asking your guests where your present is is rude. Beyond rude.
I didn’t get that impression from the LW. I thought it was more of a, “Crap, what the heck do I do if Great Aunt Mildred doesn’t give me a gift? She always gives a silver gravy boat to her great nieces and nephews and will be PISSED if I don’t send her a thank you note!!” So that’s why Wendy’s advice was so perfect. Send a geniune note thanking her for sharing the special day with the happy couple, and then Great Aunt Mildred can call and say that the gravy boat must have been lost in the mail.
It is 110% possible that your spin is right. I guess I was assuming this since the wedding hasn’t even happened yet and she is wondering what to do about not getting gifts. All of the tank you cards I’ve received from weddings were along the lines of “we super apprecaited you being at our wedding! It was great to have you celebrate with us; we super enjoyed doing the macarena with you! Also, thanks for the killer gift, we can’t wait to use the gravy boat!” So way more focused on the fact thatyou came to the wedding and spent time with the bride and groom rather than the gift. But could just be my circle!
Good call, why the hell is she worrying about what she is/isnt getting before the wedding even?
because I like to be prepared and Wendy needed more letters.
I’m sorry I’ve offended you. And I get being ultra-prepared, I am the same way. I still don’t understand why anyone would need to be prepared about receiving or not receiving gifts. That’s just me though. Again, if I went over the top with a bitchy tone, my apologies.
I’m not preparing about receiving gifts. I’m preparing on how to write thank you notes when the time comes. A part of me wanted to know if it was okay to send a thank you note without getting a gift and now that I know it is okay to do that then I shall buy more thank you notes. 🙂
I just assumed it was common knowledge to send thank yous for attending I guess, which made the rest hard to believe. 🙂
GG, sounds like a great thank you note to receive! I was always taught to thank first for the presence/thought first, then the actual present. In the case of no gift, the note should still be sent, and still thank for the presence aspect.
And I’m feeling generous today I guess, and giving this LW the benefit of the doubt here. I think some of her girlfriends experienced this issue, and in her stress over planning, wants to know what to do if that happens to her. Plenty of DWers have planned pretty low-key, stress-free (mostly) weddings and maybe not had a concern like this, but 23 year old me planned the most ridiculous, stressful wedding you can imagine, mostly on my own, and I’ll admit I became a bit (ok, a lot) frantic. I had people flying across the country, 200 guests, mother breathing down my neck at all times, timelines, a finance away at Army training, and little questions like this were what almost pushed me over the edge. I so badly wanted to please everyone and was so terrified that one key person was going to end up with hurt feelings or I would commit a manners faux pas. I can imagine 23 year old me stressed over a question like this, and it having NOTHING to do with getting a gift.
You got it!
I think if you’re worried about guests in general and want to know if you should reach out to any and all guests about no present – definitely don’t, and definitely do what Wendy said – send a card thanking them for coming. They’ll want to make sure you got their gift and will follow up about it if/when you don’t mention it.
But I guess if you’re worried about someone in particular, someone you’re close to (I think I saw somewhere on here you were worried about a great aunt? or maybe someone gave a hypothetical), someone you can be honest and open with, sure, why not. Not everyone has this kind of relationship with their immediate family, but, if I were expecting a gift from my mom or sister, I could totally say: “hey, you didn’t send a gift did you? Because I didn’t get it. Just fyi in case it’s lost you might want to follow up about it.” … I would NEVER say that to friends though b/c, well, my sisters and mom and I have a different kind of relationship. The kind where nothing you do could be considered RUDE b/c they are like extensions of me, and vice versa. So, I dunno. ….
yeah….I don’t have any great aunts so that was a hypothetical from someone else….
I mainly asked the question to be prepared.
Maybe I’m just feeling a little on edge today because I’m in the middle of planning a wedding! A big 200+ person afair from over 900 miles away with a mother who is being little help and a future mother in law who is being too much help! So at this point I’m saying screw the thank you cards (for now) and lets just make it to the wedding day! THEN we’ll worry about how to word thank you’s!
Not buying it at all. She knew who she was writing to and spun the letter to include other brides, and bs excuses to make it sound ok that she was greedy. imo.
Or, you know, she’s stressed about the wedding — which is impossible, right, because brides NEVER get stressed pre-wedding? — and is worrying about this because she thinks it’s something she can prep for.
But you’re right. It must be purely motivated by greed rather than anything else. Because no one worries about doing the right thing.
(No offense, LBH, but if you don’t want people to get all judgy toward you, perhaps it might be worth trying to tone down the judginess toward others. Sometimes it feels like you’re trying to pick a fight rather than give advice.)
I’m getting married this year and honestly right now, thank you cards are the LAST thing on my mind. I will send them, and they will be sent in a timely manner to all guests: gift or no gift. But right now I’m more concerned about my vows, making sure my out of town guests don’t have questions about the travel arrangements, that my vendors have the right date, time, location etc. I am not worried about how to word a thank you note if I don’t get a gift. And I am definitely not talking to other people about who did or didn’t bring me a wedding present!!
Well, I’m not trying to say it’s the first priority on EVERY bride’s mind 🙂 But we definitely planned ahead for the wedding, and so we had a gap of a couple of months between when we got all the vendors booked and when we sent out the invitations where the most ridiculous questions would wake me up in the middle of the night. I remember for like a week I was freaking out about how to prepare if the DJ ignored our stated request and tried to do a mother-son dance at the wedding (my mother wasn’t coming). I mean, crazy unimportant stuff like that.
Trust me I am plannning ahead! I’m just doing it from 900+ miles away which adds another level of nuts-ness to wedding planning!! Organize a 200+ person event via phone and e-mail is a bit exhausting and take a lot of phone tag.
That sounds absolutely horrible. You sound really stressed out about wedding planning in most of your comments. Can I suggest that you read the book “A Practical Wedding”? It has really helped me calm down and realize that having the “perfect” wedding isn’t worth a stressful engagement. It helps you sort through your priorities and really get into a better mental place. Best of luck, GatorGirl! When are you getting married?
I have been on the Practical Wedding website, it’s pretty great. I’ve already let go of alot of the “perfect” wedding things. It’s just coordinating all the vendors that’s driving me up a wall. A lot of people want to meet in person, which frankly isn’t possible. We’re not getting married until May, but with all the phone tag and coordinating families in different states I’m ready to pull my hair out already. I think the biggest problem we’re having is that we have HUGE families and the guest list is bigger than we wanted.
I’m getting married next May too! Yay! Now I feel like I have a DW friend to go through the crazy stuff with. I’m not nearly as far along as you though, it sounds like. We haven’t contacted a single vendor, besides our venue if that counts. What exactly are you coordinating with your family? I have a huge out-of-state extended family too, and I’m just planning on sending them a really early save the date and an invitation just like everyone else. But I totally understand what you mean about the family exploding the guest list. I wanted a smallish, really chilled out wedding, but my family is so big that my plan is not going to work. It’s going to force us to buy things we weren’t going to worry about, and the cost is going to explode. Is it bad that I kind of secretly hope some of them don’t show up?
Oh, finding a time for our parents to meet was a flipping headache and a half. That’s the biggest frustration- plus we have 5 siblings between the two of us who live all over the east coast so that’s adding an extra level of coordination difficulty. We’re having an outdoor wedding on a farm, so we have to worry about things like a bathroom trailer (woahhhhhhh expesive!!) that are adding to the stress. I’m also balancing a Southern family who deeply values tradition and a sort of hippie Northern family so. Yeah. We’re sending save the dates in July since half of the guests will be traveling and we’re having the wedding Memorial Day weekend. And no, it’s not bad to wish for a smaller more simple day!
GG, why go for the big wedding then? I never could understand that, it seems SOOOO stressful. I’m stressed enough, why make my wedding another stressor? (seriously curious if it sounded snarky)
@lbh My family guest list is almost 100 people. I mean, unless I started cutting out aunts and uncles we’re sort of stuck with the guest list. We’ve already eliminated kids under 6 and +1s unless they are an established couple. It is stressful now, but I know it will be an amazing day. It will be a little bigger than I had imagined, but it will be the wedding I’ve dreamed of. Also during all my day dreaming when I was younger I never in a million years thought I would live so far away from my family and where I wanted to get married, and I can’t really change that part.
The all or none aspect makes too much sense to me now that you say it. I have a huge family, so I know if I wanted a wedding, itd be huge. Thanks for answering.
I must say my fiance has been amazing so far and has done so much. He’s also kept me sane and helped a ton coordinating his family so I can’t thank him enough.
See, that’s kinda how it really should be. Gifts should really be the last thing on your mind when getting married, even if you are one of those people that wants to be prepared for everything. Kudos to you GG!
I get people stress a lot about weddings. If you’re stressing out about how to handle the gift aspect, you’re thinking about the wrong thing entirely, if you ask me. Asking how do I prepare myself for people who might not send me gifts is tacky, I’m sorry. I feel like I was a little harsh now that I know its sarolabelle to tell the truth, but I’m being honest. Worrying about gifts is tacky, imo. I’m not too worried about people being “judgy” toward me. Are people that way to me on here? I actually haven’t noticed and I mean that sincerely.
If she’s honestly worried about “doing the right thing” then the obvious right thing would be thanking someone for coming to her wedding.
Well, I totally agree that people get thank-yous no matter what. But I didn’t read the letter as her sincerely asking if she should send ANY thank you so much as it was “what kind of thank you do I send?” I may also be more sympathetic toward this particular issue because I was absolutely thinking the exact same thing a month ago. I don’t like loose ends or worrying that I missed something, and I’ve been tracking presents on a spread sheet so I know who gave what and whether I sent a thank you yet, and it’s the Only. Cell. Unfilled. in the “Presents” section of the people who came, so it’s like a big red button I’m not supposed to push 🙂
And, yeah, rationally, worrying about gifts is tacky. But I think people worry about ridiculous things when they’re getting married, because they can’t control the vendors doing their jobs right or who’s going to come or not come, so they harp on these little things so that they can feel they have ANY control over this wild runaway train of planning.
I won’t say I can relate to irrational wedding worries, I’ve never been married. Maybe my disdain about the whole thing is because the last several weddings I’ve been to and helped the families plan, I’ve heard way to much focus on gifts, to the point I’m just disgusted by it.
It’s an interesting thing, how easy it is to be harsh when it’s an unknown LW. I got a few not very nice things said about me when I wrote in once, but when I discussed the same topic in the forums sometime later, was treated more gently and got excellent advice, since it was obvious who I was.
Maybe we all would be a little less likely to be so harsh if we imagined one of our favorite DWers as the person potentially writing each letter.
Good grief, I’m really in a kumbaya mood today.
Its very true. Any time the LW comments it seems everyone’s a bit softer. But with this situation, I really do think people getting married could use a wakeup call about how to not be tacky about gifts. I assume most aren’t getting married for gifts, so people should try hard to not come across that way. Apparently a lot of people on here feel differently though and are totally understanding of the potential greed factor, so maybe its just me who is really bothered by it.
my sister just got married 3 weeks ago and had this same issue. I wrote to Wendy to try to prepare for this situation.
I think it’s ok if it’s your sister, but I, personally, wouldn’t talk about the gifts with anyone. Not even family. Who knows if someone’s financial situation has changed greatly and they were about to give your sister a great gift but could barely afford to come to your wedding, or vice versa!
And I would if it were immediate family – my mom and two sisters only though. It depends on what kind of relationship you have with your family. In my mom and sisters case, I *do* know their financial situation b/c we are all up in each other business (in a healthy way, I think). So, in my case I could and would ask. Though, I might not ask because I would actually never assume they gave a gift b/c we are not the gift-giving types. We gift things constantly – like I lent my sister money to pay off her second mortgage – and I gave my mom my car because it was more comfortable for her and I took her, which I then gave to my brother b/c his was stolen – see our “stuff” is kind of communal in the family, which is why I’d never expect a silver bowl from my sister – because I’d rather see her pay me back the $ then blow it on a silver bowl. …. Point is: whatever works in your family works. But the fact that Saro is writing in for an objective opinion from Wendy who is likely going to give you the etiquette letter of the law so to speak makes me believe your relationship with the person you’re worried about is NOT so close like my crazy family dynamic.
Great aunt Mildred was always a bitch anyway, so I wouldn’t mind calling her out on her shit.
Do you think it was because her name was Mildred?
Awesome.
HA!
Keep your hahas to yourself Fake Briar Rose. I will never forgive you for that not being your real name.
At least my real name isn’t Mildred. Or is it?
And I will never forgive you for not jumping on the Claire Bear bandwagon. That’s two strikes against Fake Briar Rose.
I just don’t know why she’d make up a fake name. All of us use our real names. Its bizarre she won’t. I lol’d at you asking other Clare if she was related to CBtheI.
Let me know how I can make it up to you two….I’ll do anything!
Hmm… Well, after each of my comments for the next, say, one week, you could reply with a “What Addie Pray Said.” That always tickles my heart. Then I’d say we are all squared away.
Wait, I take that back. I want a KitchenAid mixer too.
What Addie Pray said 😉
Oh, and what Addie Pray said!
Suhweet! I may enjoy this over the next week more than I would enjoy a KitchenAid mixer.
I would like a KitchenAid mixer mailed to my house.
I so want one of those. Maybe I should just save and buy one myself. That and a Le Crueset pot (sp?).
Yes, yes, I want one too. In teal. I don’t cook but itd look really cute on my stove.
I just mailed out two KitchenAid mixers, one to Addie Pray and one to lets_be_honest, to the addresses I have on file.
My favorite present from my ex was the le cruset dutch oven, griddle and grilll (three pieces). That was a nice birthday.
True story: one of my co-workers once said that the only reason he and his girlfriend would ever get married/have a wedding is just for the wedding presents…. So there are people out there like LW1. It’s a sad world we live in.
Remember that letter from last year sometime about the woman that told her MIL that she could´ve at least given her a family heirloom since she couldn´t afford a gift? Sounds like there are A LOT of these people out there.
I just can’t believe that people would openly say things like that… Like usually, greedyness, selfishness, materialism, ect, are emotions you try to hide.
I know! Which makes me wonder what horrific emotions they deem bad, and are ACTUALLY trying to hide….
Oh god I hadn’t even thought about that!!
Yikes!
OK, so how do you all feel about this…My grandpas both died within about a year of each other, several years ago (2007 I think?). I was in college and not able to attend their out-of-state funerals but memorialized them in my own way. Several years later, it occurred to me – hmm, I never heard anything about their wills/estates, did they leave me anything? (I was thinking mementos or keepsakes, not money.)
I thought maybe I might show up in a will is that I’m the oldest granddaughter for both of them. I had a very close relationship with Grandpa, especially as a kid. Opi always lived on the other side of the country so I didn’t see him much when I was younger, and I was just starting to get to know him when he passed rather suddenly, but I felt we were forming a special connection too.
So tell me right now: Am I incredibly selfish and greedy and materialistic to even *wonder* if I might have been left something in their wills? Does it mean I value my memories of them, and my relationships with them, any less?
It’s not quite the same as wedding gifts but I think there is a parallel there. And I think it’s entirely reasonable and possible to *expect* something without feeling *entitled* to it. I expect to get cards and gifts for my birthday, because birthdays are gift-giving occasions – but I don’t throw a hissy fit if I DON’T get a gift from someone.
I think that’s why brides think about gifts. Weddings are a gift-giving occasion in our culture; it’s not unreasonable to *expect* gifts. But I guess anytime a bride or groom even utters the word “gift” it must be because they’re entitled bitches, not just people who live in a culture where things typically work a certain way.
No one can blames themselves for wondering anything. Nor do I think its inappropriate to ask the person in charge of their estate or their surviving spouse for a memento.
Now, had you called grandma and asked if you were in the will, I’d say that tackier than tacky. Generally, people leave their estates to the surviving spouse, and then to their children, presuming those children will then pass it on to the grandchildren when they die, so do not feel bad that your grandfathers didn’t leave you anything.
Also, good point about birthday gifts. I’d be hurt if my mom all of a sudden got me nothing and didn’t say anything about it. But I think those expectations are different than wedding gift expectations. It’d just be weird if all of a sudden after my life of getting a bday gift, she just didn’t. I am of the opinion that talking about gifts is tacky, and talking about what you expect from people who are nice enough to celebrate the day with you is even worse. Of course people will expect *something* at their wedding, but to talk about it, expect a lot, be insulted if you don’t get things on your registry, etc. its just greedy. There is a pretty obvious line drawn between a normal expectation that mom will give you a cute shirt for your birthday and planning your wedding on the assumption you will get a shit ton of gifts for it.
Which I totally don’t get, because I’m pretty sure people spend more on a wedding than they get back in presents. If that’s all you want out of it, just use the money you spend on your wedding and buy yourself whatever the hell you want.
When I was engaged, I stupidly thought I could budget my wedding at around $5K. My DJ alone cost $1200. Yeah, that number moved up quickly.
Amen.
My thoughts exactly. I only know one couple that got more in gifts than they spent on their wedding, and it was a 5K wedding. Granted she cooked damn near all the food herself and weddings are a hell of a lot of work. If all you want is stuff then just buy it yourself!
I know! I totally though imagined him (because he is SUCH a cheap person) to just go to like a park and grill hamburgers (not that there’s anything wrong with doing that as your wedding- but he would do it soley because it’s cheap) and then expect lavish wedding gifts… In my head, I was like, well I’m glad that if you ever invited me, I know now that I will unfortunately be on vacation then!
That makes sense for this dude and how you describe him. Cheap ass wedding. Load up on presents. If this happens, I’m glad you’re on vacation!
Oh yea. he was the, oh it’s my turn to buy breakfast burritos? Dang I don’t have the cash right now… I’ll get it next time. And never get it next time…
Yeah, throwing a wedding for gifts is dumb. Our family was very, very generous in registry gifts and cash, and even then it was only about half of what we spent. I mean, the party was great and all, but it by means made up for the financial/emotional strain of having a big wedding.
What a craptastic idea. I’m currently planning my own wedding and I would NEVER go through this stress just to get stuff.
Not only to get stuff, but to have a party/dream day too, financed by your friends and family.
I would never get married JUST for the gifts, but dammit, if I’m getting married, I DO want gifts. There. I said it. Is everyone obligated to buy me something? Of course not. Will I be mad if I don’t get everything off the registry? NO! But there are very few opportunities in life where you can create a registry and actually have people buy you stuff! And that excites me.
When I was buying a house ON MY OWN I wanted to put stuff on a registry. To me, that was a bigger deal than getting married. Like, HEY look what I did! But for some reason a “new house” registry is tacky. Why? I’m spending MORE than I would on a wedding, and I’m doing it on my own! Anyway, aren’t wedding gifts supposed to prepare the couple for their new home? WHY can’t I have an I-JUST-BOUGHT-A-HOUSE-BY-MYSELF registry? I’d argue I need a registry MORE than the newlyweds.
I think I just like the idea of registries.
Haha! Good for you Cats. I can appreciate brutal honesty.
Agreed 100% on house buying needs a registry more than a wedding does!
Ok, actually, I felt the same way when I bought my own house- also on my own. I just bought this new house and I had nothing to put in it and no money to buy anything else because I just bought a house. And I got a grand total of one potted plant from a friend who is an etiquette freak. I just consoled myself with “Well, when I get married I can get all the nice stuff then.” Guess what? I’ve already bought myself most of the nice stuff. Except for that KitchenAid mixer. OMG, I want one of those. And some cheese (thanks Addie Pray). But seriously though, I knew it was wrong to feel that way so I just felt guilty for feeling that way. I like presents and want them but then I feel guilty for wanting presents. Haha. Regardless, just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone on that feeling.
That’s what housewarming parties are for – to stock your liquor cabinet, at the very least!
In theory. But all of my friends are (and were) super broke and I think some of them were jealous that I was able to buy a house when they still lived in an apartment. Honestly, I was glad most of them were even able to take time off work to come eat grilled food with me.
Yea, I think you totally found the reason housewarming parties aren’t what they used to be.
Yeah, and having my friends all be able to get off work at the same time = huge miracle. Some of them need like two months of advance notice and then another month of butt-kissing their bosses to even be able to consider getting the time off. And then we won’t know for sure who can even come until the week before hand. “Did you get the time off? Oh wouldn’t you like to know- we won’t post your schedule until the day before.” I’m so glad my company/boss isn’t like that.
I never actually went through with buying my house because I moved to St. Louis instead. I *might* have had a housewarming party, but probably not one that involved gifts. I had a Target wish list that I told my mom about JUST IN CASE she wanted to get me something useful to help with the transition of owning a home (she wasn’t too keen on that idea though!). I think I’m just upset that pretty much the ONLY time you can get a bunch of cool gifts is when you get married or have a baby (like that Sex and the City episode? I’m married to MYSELF, dammit. Celebrate me! Haha). So if I ever DO go through the hassle of having a wedding, then yes, I will take the opportunity to get gifts.
That was a great episode! I celebrate you with a cup of coffee every morning Cats. Send over the target link, I’d be happy to get you a toaster!
Haha! I will celebrate you with my coffee too. GOD I LOVE COFFEE. I will die without it.
But really, if you want to get me something, I’d appreciate a new table lamp. 😉
Yeah, that’s how mine was too. A lot of chips n dip and beer pong with the cheapest beer I could find. I did have one friend who brought me a case of sake, though, and that was awesome.
Oh, I will definitely be a little sad if I don’t get a single gift. But I understand if someone, or a few someones, don’t bring one. I would really apprecaite a card if there was no gift though, with a nice note. Creating our registry has been the most fun part of the wedding process so far and I am pumped at the idea of receiving any or all of the items we’ve selected. We went and visted some of the stuff we registered for the other day. Just so we could dream of drinking out of our nice matching set of old fashioned glasses or frying up some Saturday morning eggs in my expensive ass frypan.
Yeah!! See? That’s what I mean. No one should feel OBLIGATED to get me something, but picking it out and getting it sounds like sooo muchf un.
You know, I will chime in and say that when I have my wedding, I will want gifts! I’m throwing the wedding for my family and friends, not for myself. If I wanted to NOT host an enormous party to symbolize the merging of two worlds, I’d go down to the courthouse and send out an email blast afterward. But I’ll be spending a minimum of $120 per head just to feed each guest, much more to secure the venue and provide music and a cocktail hour. The least they could do would be to donate $20 to a cause they know I’d appreciate, or even a super cheap gift set of spices from Penzey’s. ANYTHING to show that they are grateful for being part of such a big life moment of mine.
Why would you have a wedding then if its not for you? I’m confused.
I don’t want a wedding but I find myself planning one. Why? Because he wants one. Every time I suggest eloping, he complains and says that he wants his mother there, his future sister-in-law there, his coworker and the coworker’s psycho wife there…. Yeah, well, that’s exaggerating but still, the point remains. Also, my family would NEVER let me live it down if I didn’t invite them to a wedding. My solution is to throw a backyard BBQ wedding that also throws all the “rules” out the window. Screw this wedding shit. It’s too much of a hassle. I think I’m ready to suggest eloping again…
I get doing it if the other person getting married wants one, not because you are rquired to throw a party for your family that they better appreciate being invited to. I really hope thats not the norm or my family will be sorely disappointed.
It’s the norm in my family. We haven’t gotten to the part where deposits are looming on the horizon, but I’m going into it acting on the that they won’t pay for anything. It’s kinda shitty, but this is what actually happened:
Grandma: “What kind of wedding do you want one day, sweetie?”
Me: “Something simple, like we do pictures and stuff and then go sign the papers and go out to dinner afterward.”
Grandma: *passive aggressive silence*
Me: “What?!?!”
Grandma: “You mean you aren’t going to let our whole family who lives all the way across the world to take part in the making of the next generation? You mean you’re really going to deprive me of seeing my beautiful granddaughter in a gown? You mean you’re really…” etc etc etc
So yeah, I have to do it. Otherwise Grandma might die or something.
Yes. This. It almost makes me want to elope out of spite. BUT I can’t really force my man to go along with that plan. The funny thing is that his family probably expects us to elope or have a backyard wedding. One set of cousins eloped and the other had the backyard wedding. Of course, his family is a bunch of super laid back hippie types who don’t really care what you choose. Mine is a bunch of lower-middle class people who think you have to spend money to show your worth and that if you don’t throw a big party, you are “selfish.” Guess who’s family we spend holidays with, haha.
lol, don’t let Grandma die!
She actually cried over not getting as many presents as one of my friends did. I gave her one pure silk Talbots scarf, I gave my friend a big bottle of bath salts and a room spray that I found at Ross.
Same here. I wanted to either just go to the courthouse or have a private ceremony (like him, me, and the officiant) out in a forest. I’m really not excited about the wedding planning I’m doing right now, but he wants to have a wedding because he thinks it’s important for a marriage to start with all your friends and family there. And I just can’t trust him to plan it properly, so here comes stress over planning something I don’t even care about.
Right there with you. My man can’t plan a family BBQ. Last time we tried, some of his cousins didn’t get invited. And those cousins involved the cousin that offered to fix his car FOR FREE. I had to call and personally apologize and tell him that if I had known this was happening, I would’ve made sure he was invited. Needless to say, I don’t let B. plan anything without me any more. Even his mom calls me to make plans with her son!! Hahaha.
hahaha! Wow, that’s pretty bad. I don’t think mine will be planning any BBQs anytime soon, because he just wouldn’t take any interest in that. Pretty interesting that yours did that! P’s planning the wedding with me, but it’s still the sort of thing where I have to supervise his planning. I’ll let him pick the stuff he wants, but I don’t trust that he knows of a lot of stuff to take into consideration, so I’m still going to have to go back and refine lots of the stuff he’s doing. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit though.
Big, orchestrated weddings are for the families. It’s all symbolic. My grandmother always tells me that it’s going to be the biggest party I ever host.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking getting gifts, or even wanting them (kinda).. But like you said, you’d never get married just for the gifts, because that would be a shitty thing to do.
I want to get married for the wishing well at the shower. I love kitchen utensils with an unbridled passion.
Whats a wishing Well?! I think i’d like one at my shower too when I find out what it is!
it’s a well (usually they have an actual cardboard well all decorated with a box underneath it) that people put small odds and ends in. like measuring spoons or spatulas or lemon zesters for example. i think it’s a pretty regional thing, i had never heard of it until i went to a friend’s shower in new york.
exactly. All the OXO stuff. And like, a pastry brush and a garlic press, and an egg slicer and an egg separater, etc. Little kitchen stuff, which I heart. And travel size things. I love those too.
I wish there was a school supply wishing well. Then I would get married.
I LOVE SCHOOL SUPPLIES. My mom was so disappointed in me as a child because she was into back to school clothes shopping and I could have cared less but if you want to talk about highlighters, pens, markers, and 5 tab seperaters and to this day I get all hot and bothered. I just bought some screen cleaner for my ipad and it was the best start to the weekend I can have given myself.
school supplies are my favorite! I asked for and got a staples gift card last christmas
I definitely asked for and got a three hole punch for hanukah in law school and it was by far my favorite present that year.
My first boyfriend asked me what I wanted for valentines day… a paper shredder. I played with it for hours on end.
Its cuz were twins. The day I realized I could steal brand new pencils and post its from work was the greatest day of my life. I’m stockpiling them now.
LW#1, I can understand why you’d be torn here, especially if it’s someone you’re sure would give you a gift, and you don’t want them to feel slighted in the thank you note. Wendy’s advice was perfect and will give you the answer you need. And thank goodness you are actually writing the thank you notes! A girl I worked with once had been married for several years and told me she just never bothered to see thank you notes for her wedding gifts, and I probably stared at her for a good 2 minutes in open-mouthed horror.
LW#2 and #3, just no. These are not the men you’re looking for. Does Obi Wan Kenobi need to come and use his Jedi powers on you so you get the picture?
It wouldn´t surprise me if LW1 just used the thank you notes as an excuse to get to ask why someone didn´t give her anything.
My SIL didn’t send thank you cards, which bothered me. I was a broke student and traveled for their wedding. She never sent me a thank-you card for their wedding gift and only sent my other brother a thank you 6 months later; thanking them for the wrong gift.
LW1, don’t be like that.
Ugh, that’s awful. I know thank you notes aren’t “done” as much these days, but in my opinion, not sending them for a wedding is just terrible.
Yeah. I think when it comes to weddings, thank-you cards are still required (at least in my mind). She’s just so self-involved it probably didn’t cross her mind…
But she’s also the SIL who said “we think only family should be in the wedding party” and then had every sibling on either side participate, except for me and she revoked asking me to be my neice’s Godmother because I couldn’t afford to fly out for the baptism. (It’s called having a proxy stand in and it’s a-ok in the Catholic church)
omg, that’s inexcusable!!!
LW1 – I will tell you this. The gift thing does get worked out. For example, we had a “Mystery Gift” with no card. So we sent out the thank yous and a guest came back and said We brought glasses too, did you get them? So it all gets worked out. If there is something really wierd like your godmother or something like that, send your mom in to ask. But remember, people have up to a year to send you a gift after the wedding.
I would probably forget all about the gifts if I didn’t receive them until a year after my wedding. Does it honestly say guests have that option in the Bridezilla’s Guide to Getting Gifts – I mean – Married?
. . . And why would you send a gift a year after the wedding?
I think the Bridezilla’s guide is also called Emily Post but yea 🙂 I think it helps with the other costs like travel and stuff.
These letters annoy me today.
LW1 – What Wendy and everyone else said. Geesh.
LW2 – If you’re worried he will cheat, he probably will. MOA.
LW3 – You’re dating a master manipulator with in and of itseld is bad, but you have a daughter. MOA and set good examples for her. Kids are smarter than we think. Heck, my three year old niece used the word context correctly in a sentence last weekend. And my Grandma watches my six year old niece . . . and she knows EVERYTHING that goes on between my sis and her husband. Kids are smart.
I thought I was just having a bad day, that I got annoyed by these letters, as well. At least there´s 2 of us! 🙂
I was trying to decide if it was a bad day or the letters too. Let’s go with letters! It will make us feel better.
It’s totally the letters…
I’m going to jump on the letter bandwagon. Haha. But hey at least it’s Friday!
what bothers me the most about LW1’s letter is not the question in and of itself but rather that presumably this bride and her two friends could think of no other reason than having a gift in their hands to send a thank you note. The guests attending the wedding and taking part in the day should be enough to get a thank you note! Wendy’s advice is perfect.
And I agree with Wendy on the last two. MOA.
1- Ugh. I am SO sick of greedy brides/grooms. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been involved in the planning and hear them or their parents talking about what they’ll get.
“felt bad not being able to send a thank you note.” Uh, you could always send a thank you for ATTENDING.
The more I think about it, if/when I get married, I’m 99% sure I will say presence, not presents.
I so am doing that. But I’m worried that bringing it up will be even more crass??
I think I’d feel embarrassed getting all sorts of household gifts from my friends. Like, if I’m old enough to get married, I’m old enough to provide for myself (and my husband).
But I’m not at all a presents person.
Hm. I meant to reply to LBH, up there.
I wondered that too actually. Is it like saying I’m classier than you were when you had a wedding? I hope not. Plus, I already live with my boyfriend, we already have a home, I have a kid for God sake, its not like I don’t already have what I need.
I just had a big 30th birthday surprise party a few months ago. The party was such an awesome “gift” and having all these people spend their valuable night off to come and hang with me was way more than enough, I honestly was surprised when I saw a gift table too and really thought, how unnecessary. Kinda felt bad I sort of forced these people to spend their money on me.
Aw, that’s nice! I threw my own 30th birthday party (apparently my boyfriend was GOING to, but I beat him to it – I started planning kinda early, haha), and I not only put my guests on a guest list (so they didn’t have to pay the cover to get in – it was at a bar and I had some bands play), but I also gave them beer tickets so they could have a couple drinks on me. AND cupcakes. Because really, I just wanted people to come and have fun and hang out.
But if I ever get married, I do want gifts. Haha. It’s like the only time I can be so specific about what I want, AND I don’t have to open it in front of people! I hate birthdays/Christmas/showers because I feel awkward opening gifts in front of people. Does this make me selfish/materialist/gift-grubbing? Maybe. Like I stated above, I don’t expect EVERYONE to get me something, and I’d rather people just come hang out and have a good time. But having a registry appeals to me sooo much.
^this was meant to be a reply to LBH. Why aren’t the replies working?
its my fault i think. I wrote my email in wrong the first time I commented so it was moderated.
Dang you! 😉
OK, it’s working now. Youre off the hook, LBH.
My fiance and I included a small insert with our invitations that read: “In accordance with tradition, the bride and groom request that you please consider a charitable donation instead of a wedding gift. A few worthy choices are listed below.” We gave three of our favorite charities. I have no idea if any of our guests will actually do this since our wedding isn’t until August, but at least you can make your preference known if you don’t want gifts.
This was supposed to be a reply to Nadine and LBH. Not sure how it ended up here…
I like that you offered choices, but didn’t imply they had to pick only those. My mom got an invitation like that but it was clear that they wanted a donation to only the two provided, two that she didn’t agree with their causes or something. I really, really like this idea though.
RIGHT! I totally think this as well. I mean, If my GMIL to be has some AWESOME china she wishes to gift us, I’d totally be down with it, but other than that I have a sort of attachment to my well used kitchen and household items and don’t want to just ‘chuck’ them for new things because I got married. And if I ever get the money and counter space, I’m buying my own mixer. I want it NOW. and I want it bad. But don’t have one only for the two reasons mentioned (counter space and money).
I totally misread this while skimming and thought you said you would only get married for counterspace and money. lol.
Tempting. But no. Hahaha. Its been established that the only time I’m getting married is to show my cousins how its done, and to register for stuff at Sephora.
Technically, miss manners says that putting “no gifts” is rude because that assumes that gifts are expected. You can never win.
I thoroughly enjoyed my wedding. That said if I could do it all over again, I’d elope and forget the gifts. I still haven’t unpacked all of mine. That is pure laziness.
LW1: I also don’t get why you’re worrying about a problem that doesn’t even exist yet. But not sending a thank you note is a bad idea. I send thank you notes for everything, and while I have learned not to expect them from anyone, for something as big as a wedding, there should definitely be a thank you note to all your guests–which has nothing to do with gifts–that’s just icing on the cake if your guests get you a gift.
LW1 – I don’t get the impression that you’re looking for presents, although it could easily be misconstrued that way. First of all, it hasn’t even happened yet, so calm down. Second, many people mention their gifts to you the next time they see you after the wedding, so you’ll probably find out if they sent a gift that never arrived, even if they don’t get that from the thank you card (that you should still send, like Wendy suggested).
Is it really that common for people to mail their wedding gifts when they attend a wedding in person? Don’t most people just drop them off at the gift table?
LW 2 – He doesn’t even tell you he loves you unless he feels like he has to. He’s trying to keep you around for whatever reason, but that reason is not because he loves you and wants to marry you. I don’t usually say this, but MOA.
LW 3 – You should expect better out of your partners. I don’t want to say that you deserve it, because I don’t know you, but you should be in a relationship where this sort of thing is not happening from either of you. Expect better, and don’t settle for less. Hopefully you’ll learn from this to not bring anyone into your daughter’s life until you’re pretty certain about them. It’s not fair to her, and she’s coming of an age where this is going to be a much bigger deal than it already has been. Stop this madness.
I’ve been mailing them, especially if the wedding isn’t close to the bride/grooms home so some poor friend doesn’t have to deal with the transportation of the gifts. Most people keep their address on file where they are registered to gifts can just be mailed to them.
Personally, if someone were buying off the registry, I would prefer to have it mailed, or mail if I was attending the wedding. It sucks to have to worry about loading up the car with gifts to haul home after a wedding.
Of course – I wouldn’t complain and I would be thankful for however the gift was sent. I’m just saying, logistically, it’s easier to have them mailed to the house. You don’t open gifts at the wedding anyway. Usually the day after.
Also, if you’re an out of town guest and ordering off the registry, it’s easier to mail than bring the wine glasses on the plane.
Oh, definitely. I mean, I agree; I’m grateful for any gift I get, no doubt. But when it’s 11:00 or midnight and the party’s winding down, the last thing I really wanted to think about was where to store the presents for the night. Thankfully my best man was staying at the same hotel we were, and he just locked it all up in his car for the night, but that still didn’t seem safe.
I’ve always heard of people arranging for their parents or someone in the wedding party to take the gifts back to the couple’s home while the couple leaves or stays in a hotel or whatever they’re doing. I can understand that point of view, but it’s just something to plan for ahead of time.
The out-of-town guest issue totally makes sense though.
You know I’m honestly hoping people mail any gift they chose to give! We live an 18 hour drive from where we’re getting married so logisitcally we might run into some big issues. I think I’m going to start mailing my gifts.
Yikes, that is a predicament. If you’re notifying people of registries, like on a wedding website, I would honestly consider making a note about it. I’m sure your guests would rather mail it to you than to cause such a hassle for you, and they might not consider it otherwise.
Yeah, I think we’re going to put a note on our website saying something like please mail it. Goodness now I’m really worried about this. We both have small cars and will have a ton of other crap, you know like a wedding dress. Even if we don’t get that many packages…
Do you have a relative you could leave your dress with? That will probably take up a lot of room, and if you’ll see them on a holiday, you could just wait until then to get it. I doubt you’ll need it after the wedding anyway, right? Just trying to be helpful, not trying to be bossy
Not a bad idea. It’s going to be at our family’s property so yes, there will be loads of family members I can store stuff with if it doesn’t fit in my car. I’m thinking of donating my dress to Brides Against Breast Cancer after the wedding so maybe someone can just handle that for me.
Also, if you haven’t gotten a dress yet you should totally check out BABC. They are pretty awesome.
I’ve not had a wedding myself, but of those my cousins and siblings, I don’t think anybody brought a gift to the wedding. Maybe they were and they were hidden away, but I’m pretty sure most were mailed or given later.
LW 1- It is not often that I am harsh with people who write in to Wendy. But, you REALLY need to get your priorities in order. This day is to celebrate your very serious decision to spend the rest of your life with someone. Focus on that. This isn’t a day to get gifts- that’s just a nice bonus. Seriously, do not ask people why you didn’t get a gift from them. Do. Not.
LW2- Liars are never worth it.
LW3- Liars are never worth it.
(As a side note, I wonder if you are dating my ex. He once told a girl he was trying to cheat on me with that technically him and I weren’t together… like yours did to you. This was news to me. I was living with him and sleeping in his bed every night. What? We’re not together? Liars are never worth it.)
You really should’ve played along with thatbefore dumping him. Dude in bed with you? What’s wrong hunny, I thought we weren’t together.
Should have! But, I was so young and my only reaction was hurt.
These days? If someone pulled that on me? I would mentally destroy him in an awesome manner like you suggested!
I’m glad to hear age has matured you 🙂
I’ve always told my SO that if he ever cheated, that after I finished with him, he’d realize it really wasn’t worth it and should’ve just dumped me first. Am I crazy?
Makes perfect sense to me!
Whether or not they bring them in person just depends. Travelling, money, etc. I mailed all of my gifts to my friend’s houses when they got married rather than bringing it with me. It was just another thing they had to pack up at the end of the night!
hmm i tried to reply to theattack and it ended up here, oh well!
Well I saw your comment anyway, so it’s all good! Like I said above, I think that’s really considerate, but I always just thought it was something a couple planned for ahead of time and enlisted a close friend or family member to take the gifts back to their place after the wedding, just like someone takes the wedding dress and groom’s clothes with them.
and they often do, but i’ve always had the one less for them to pack up! i know at one of my friend’s weddings they just did not realize how large the packaging would be on some of the gifts and they ran out of space quick.
i’m also a fan of letting stores mail breakable items. their wrapping is usually better than mine and i’d rather not worry about it being broken during transport.
Yep!
Weird wedding related dilemna from the opposite side:
I got an invitation to the wedding of an former co-worker who I wasn’t that close to, but enjoyed working with. (They had a big wedding.) The wedding was across the country and I was unemployed at the time and couldn’t really afford to go, especially for someone I wasn’t that close to. I sent back the RSVP card on time, with a note of apology for not being able to make it. A couple weeks after the wedding (so fast!!) I got a thank you for the nice set of knives I sent them. Problem is… I didn’t send the knives. Or any other gift.
I was under the impression that if you couldn’t go to the wedding and weren’t that close to the couple, the gift was optional. (That’s true, yes?) I did send a handwritten card offering my congratulations and I sincerely wish them the very best, but I didn’t send a gift from the registry (partly the being unemployed thing too).
I don’t want the nice person who got them the knives to think they are rude for not sending a thank you note, but how do I graciously correct this mistake? It just feels so awkward…
oh this is strange! If you do not talk much I would just throw the thank you away and forget about it.
Personally I find it strange that you were invited to the wedding if your not close! So I think that sort of gives you a pass to not send a gift. Your thoughtfull card was perfect. IDK what to do about the strange thank you note though.
I always send a gift to family or friend’s who weddings I’m unable to attend. But those are people I’m close to! I even send say shower gifts when I can’t attend.
It wasn’t that strange. I worked with both of them and they still worked there and invited many of our other co-workers. I am pretty sure they assumed I wouldn’t come since I didn’t live nearby anymore, but I was flattered they wanted to include me as part of that group.
They probably assumed a gift with no card or name on it was from you. I know it’s awkward, but I would definitely try to let them know that you unfortunately weren’t able to send a gift, and that the knives weren’t from you, and they were probably from someone else who forgot to label it. You sound like a great friend for being concerned about them appearing rude, and you’re totally right. You should do your friend a favor and maybe give them a call to let them know. And if it feels awkward, you could always just take my approach and say outright “So, this is awkward, but………. I didn’t send you those knives.”
Yea, I don’t know how you could do it not awkwardly but you really are obligated to do it. That stinks Talia.
I invited people to my wedding because I wanted to celebrate with them, not because I wanted a gift from them. I didn’t get gifts from some people and I wouldn’t dream of asking them why.
Damn you, bittergaymark, I think you’re right.
Shhh, everyone’s mad at me for saying that, don’t let it happen to you too.
I don’t think anyone really reads my post anyway so there will be no change. 😛
Oh well that’s sad! I always do!
I do too!! Always. Anyone that has a dog as their avatar gets an immediate thumbs up from me.
You’ve always been one of my favorites, landygirl!
Aw you girls are so sweet! My dog is giving you big, wet kisses in his dreams.
Yes, it’s true. I simply AM right about most things… 😉
I have to disagree with you, BGM-
I saw “Swept Away” and I don’t care HOW in love you were with your ex-husband director at the time; that movie was terrible.
I wish there was a way for madonna to give us back those hours. Or even pay us what we make hourly for that debacle.
WHAT?! Swept Away was BRILLIANT… Okay, maybe not….
Granted if more men wrote into DW for advice they’d probably scare the crap out of me with their stupidity as well.
In regards to LW1, I don’t gifts are ever REQUIRED, but I have honestly have never gone to a birthday party/wedding/graduation party/shower etc without bringing something. Whether it be a card, a homemade gift, something off the registry, or cash. I don’t think of a wedding registry as gift grubbing, but it’s a celebration, and like any other kind of celebrations usually involves gift those celebrating.
I don’t think I would chase down someone to ask why they didn’t send a gift, but you can assume they can get lost sometimes, which could make things awkward. We registered for a set of really nice knife set and in the process of our move, someone at our old apartment signed and kept it. How nice of them! It can happen. In this instance, I found out when I sent out all the thank you notes to everyone from the shower and the wedding, and one of my husband’s aunts (who didn’t even attend) reached out to us if we ever received her gift. So, basically his aunt thought we thanked everyone else but her and it was really, really awkward.
My best advice would be to write a thank you letter to everyone who came, regardless if they gave a gift or not. If someone sent you a gift and you don’t mention it, they’ll ask. If someone didn’t come but sent you a gift and knows everyone else received a thank you note, they’ll ask.
thank you, your advice is sweet and helpful.
LW 3 – This is why you don’t introduce your daughter to people you are casually dating after 10 months. Or I’m sure you did after like a week. And that’s why at only 10 months she’s attached. And you’re justifying staying with a horrendous excuse of a guy so you don’t hurt her feelings.
Ok I totally feel justified in despising my cousins now. Those money grubbing idiots PUT ON THE INVITATION:
No Boxed Gifts–meaning give u s cash or check ONLY bitches. Damn effin Idiots. Its just the cherry on top of why I don’t like these peeps.
Like, I know Emily Post Rules. I own the damn heavy (now outdated since my edition doesn’t have email etiquette) Miss Manners book. She explicitly states there can be no mention of the gifts, or even registries IN THE INVITATION CARD and this includes little slips indicating where the couple is registered. Not gonna lie, a part of me wants to invite them to my hypothetical wedding JUST so they can see how CLASSY weddings are done. And then I realize I’ll be planning a wedding for my ‘haters’ and just want to elope. Oh hypothetical future wedding, you cause me a lot of stress already.
WOW!
Wow, your cousins sound really rude.
But I’m totally with you on not mentioning the gifts in the invitation. That’s why you create a wedding website with registry information (NOT “please give us money requests), and you can leave a slip of paper with the link to your website in the invitation envelope, or with the save-the-date card.
That would make me show up at the wedding with a lovely Gift BAG!!! 😉
I may forgo the gift bag and just make it a paper bag. Makes the recycling easier for environmentally minded brides and grooms.
So I guess getting them a case of boxed wine is out of the question…
You could just give them the baggie inside 😉
THIS! And I’m going to do something gross like franzia wine hahaha.
Seriously?! That’s horrible. I would have gotten them a “Boxed Gift” on purpose, just for having the balls to say that on the invitation.
I would seriously just show up with a giant, unwrapped mixer or something, and plop it down on the guest book table.
Chiming in to add that after googling it, it turns out to be a ‘cultural’ thing specific to Indian couples.
I’m STILL going to say No Boxed Gifts is the tackiest most money grubbing thing to write on an invitation ever. No matter if IS ‘cultural’ or not. To me, thats equivalent to being a ‘bridezilla’ because its ‘American tradition’ Oh Hell to the no.
If it’s cultural, your guests of your culture will know what to do! Putting that on the invitation is rather unclassy.
Wow, that is just so so tacky!
That is pretty bad. Honestly I wouldn’t give money in that situation- I’d just give a card. A gift is something the giver gets to chose…you can’t request they give you cash.
Totally! I know Its because they’re over exerting themselves to show off as well, so now need to ‘recoup’ the costs. Like My parents always give cash to their nieces and nephews at weddings because its easier than buying something off the registry. BUT to have that on the invite is just bad. Although, My parents had something indicating they wanted NO gifts on the card when they got married but thats because the wedding was right before they moved to a different state and didn’t want to deal with the hassle of shipping it all.
A gift is something the giver gets to chose…you can’t request they give you cash.
I totally agree with this, but why is it so universally not ok to ask for cash, but perfectly fine to provide a list of gifts they are allowed to purchase? Weird, right? I guess tradition is the reason, obviously, but just food for thought.
I think registries were started to prevent multiples of the same item. Like, a way to keep track for everyone who is interested. I think what they’ve evolved into is sort of ridic, but I do think initially it was meant as a way to help the giver give something useful and practical to the couple, while in the budget of the giver.
I also think the best gifts aren’t ones you can register for. Like handmade t hings or gift certs to spa services (btw best gift idea ever, gets me OUT of the house and away from him for a pampering session, I’m all for it) I also wish i could have a registry at sephora, but thats just me. Ok maybe i’d be nice and register for some skin care essentials for him too. amirite?!
*Using the Edit Feature for the first time.
Oh and I just realized that I kinda wouldn’t mind multiple blenders. It’d allow me to designate one as the sweets and smoothies blender, one as the spicy blender, and one as the alcholic beverages blender. Kinda like how places use different pans for veg vs non veg stuff. Also, I’m lazy and if I didn’t clean the blender from the smoothie i had that am, but really wanted a blended daiquiri at 5, with multiple blenders, I could just have what I wanted without cleaning.
I’m with you on the “best” gifts. My favorite Christmas was my first in my first apartment. I asked everyone, I mean everyone, for an ornament so my tree would be like the one I had as a child (all mismatched, but memorable ornaments). I have the greatest tree now and every ornament (some probably a penny, some Lenox or crystal) means something to me.
That’s awesome! I love mismatched Christmas trees. I’m a huge fan of getting to unpack the ornaments each year and remember where they came from. It seems less fun to me to just have a bunch of pretty purple and silver balls or whatever.
LW 1’s question makes sense to me as all other websites seem to run lately is angry missives from those that sent gifts but were not thanked… And you know what? Gifts DO get lost! Worse, they even sometimes get stolen from the reception… Of course if you don’t thank the guest for them, that guest won’t ask you why you haven’t thanked them, oh no! Instead they’ll apparently seethe about it for years as much of the world just runs around looking for things to be pissed about, I guess. Wendy’s idea of thanking them for coming to the Wedding is clever. But many people are so idiotic about this, they will still probably right Prudie in a huff… “So, I sent Marjorie a lovely toaster over and instead of thanking me for that, she glibly just thanked me for coming to the wedding!!! Was my gift not REALLY enough? REALLY not worthy of proper mention?” …Ugh.
LW 2) STOP BEING SO DESPERATE!
LW 3) REALLY STOP BEING SO DESPERATE!!!
I don’t even get why one should go around sending thank you notes all over the place. Like I said, all the wedding etiquette thing is just ridiculous to me.
And ppl get mad over not getting a thank you note? really? O.o *sigh*
I think a thank you note is just polite and I enjoy receiving handwritten anythings for any occasion. But yea, some people have totally destroyed the idea of weddings for me.
Because someone spent their day and their hard-earned money celebrating something happening in your life. It’s important to acknowledge that they did that for you and give them proper thanks. Do you regularly neglect to thank people for doing things for you? I honestly don’t even know what to say to your comment, because I’m kind of shocked by it.
For the record, I do TOTALLY agree with the the premise of Thank You notes… I just am rather sick of reading about them constantly in sad tales of woe and wah, how have I not been thanked? Wahhhh! On every other website…
Totally agree with you. Honestly, what’s the purpose of writing in about that on the internet? How does that solve the problem? Either way you just have a rude friend and have to get over it. Whining about it won’t solve anything.
A thank you note is not wedding etiquette. It’s part of life-etiquette and appreciating the people around you. It’s just part of being a polite person. Neglecting to send one comes across like you feel you’re entitled to gifts and don’t have to thank someone for giving them to you, because you think it’s just what they’re supposed to do. You should thank people anything they do for you. You should definitely thank them for giving you a gift!
I agree, but I wish people felt this strongly about all the other fucked up wedding notions I’ve read on here.
Anyway, I love your new picture, but you seem less aggressive in my eyes now. Just sayin. 😉
haha, My baby-face totally ruins my aggressive persona. Glad you like the picture! I’ve been trying to decide for years whether or not to expose myself to the internet. So risky!
I know it scared me too! I always wonder if people I know read this site too and then my cover is blown! Although I guess I shouldn’t care too much because I’m FB friends with lots of DW people. But you look pretty purdy! 🙂
Thanks! How do you guys end up FB friends with each other? I would be too scared to post my real name on DW. There’s no way I want anybody to see the stuff I post on here when they google me.
Same here. After I “outed” AP (so to speak), I got really nervous about how easy it would be to out me. It’s funny how I’m so willing to sleuth out details about other people but I’m terrified of the roles being reversed 🙂
Btw, please don’t out me again! Seriously. But it’s ok. I think I outed myself with the yoga bag of a certain color.
Hmm I mean my Iwannatalktosampson isn’t like linked to my real name or anything – so I’m hoping you can’t see any of this if you did google me. Ha – but that’s a good point. Please DW facebook friends – please never destroy my life out of revenge if I say something snotty on here. You should all know me well enough to know that I have no filter and I love you all.
Agreed. It’s the law.
Full Disclosure: I found you through AP. And please never tell my cousins I hate them. Even though, I totally do and they prolly know it since I’ve kinda boycotted all their weddings.
You’re going to have to agree to always agree with my posts if you don’t want me letting your friends and family know how you really feel. Same goes for you AP.
Well I mean, I don’t even understand how you find each other on facebook in the first place without posting your name here or something.
theattack, I think we should be fb friends simply for being the only ones representing TN solidarity. Which gets me thinking, why haven’t we met up yet?
Oh yeah, we had talked about doing that. We totally should. I’ll be in your part of the state in just a few hours, but I’ll be hanging out with the future in-laws. But in hopefully August or September I’ll be moving to Clarksville so we can totally be real-life friends!
This is just what I don’t get : How do you add someone on facebook without posting your real name on here? I’d love to add you and any other DW people, but how is that even possible?
I’ll be in TN in a couple months!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME!
Visiting or moving?
moving for a few years…I’m going to grad school in Memphis
Agreed. I even send thank you notes after a dinner party. It’s polite and I’m sure the host appreciates it.
Speaking of dinner parties, I’m going to host my first ever real, adult dinner party. I’m even sending actual invites. Not an e-mail or e-vite. I’m so excited!
Of course you should thank people for coming to your wedding/getting you a gift. The same way if I celebrate my bday and people come I say thanks for coming, and if they get me a gift I say thank you for the gift. What I don’t get is people getting upset about not receiving a note about it, and going on the internet to write a letter complaining about it.
I get it, its not always possible to say thank you to everyone at the wedding, but I wouldn’t get mad/upset if I went to a wedding and then didn’t get a letter from the bride/groom saying thanks for coming.
Yes, all the pomp and circumstances around weddings has gotten out of control.
But you should always, ALWAYS thank people when they do something nice for you, like give you a gift or take time out of their lives to celebrate a milestone in yours.
It doesn’t matter if its a wedding gift, birthday gift, baby gift, Christmas gift, or retirement gift, if someone does something for you send a thank you note. It doesn’t have to be long, a have a few boxes of smallnon-themed thank you cards lying around for any unexpected occasion.
Really, this part of wedding etiquette (or really being the recipient of a gift for any reason etiquette) is not ridiculous.
UGH! TYPO ALERT: right should = WRITE… So tragic and embarrassing…
HA! I love that you called that “tragic.”
LW1: No. You never ask. Once, a very long time ago when I was in primary school I was invited to a bday party. Then the bday girl went around asking everyone if they had gotten her a gift. W.T.F.
LW2: So he only tells you he loves you when you are about to walk away, yet he tells all this other girls that he loves them. And you are so gullible that you believe him when he says he wants to marry you? Not only that but he never takes you out and he doesn’t talk to you for more than a minute on the phone? The reason he doesn’t go out with you is because he doesn’t want his actual gf to see him with you. I can’t believe you stayed in such a crappy rs for 8 months. Dump him and stay single for a while.
LW3: Why would you let someone like that close to your daughter? Just MOA. You should probably stay single for a while too.
LW2&3: If you are snooping on your “bf” it means you don’t trust them. You can’t have a rs with someone if there is no trust. Both you bf’s seem to be manipulating you too, so the best thing for both of you is to stay as far away as possible from this guys.
p.s: All this wedding etiquette is fucking ridiculous. Yes getting gifts is nice, but seriously, asking ppl if they made you a gift or not? And why do you even expect one? Only because you threw a wedding? Why do some ppl expect to get gifts to make their money back? If you don’t want to lose money then don’t f***ing make f***ing expensive wedding. UGH
ugh. TYPO ALERT right = WRITE!!! So embarrassed!!!
WHAT?! Okay, whoops… This posted in the wrong place initially!!! DISREGARD. It has nothing to do with Caris’ post at all. Sorry about that.
haha I was like omg and re-read my whole post and then I realized it was meant to be on your post.
Typos happen, no biggie.
I know, but the right versus write typo is a badge of shame when one has actually been paid to be a writer…
Did you notice Wendy spelled Recived?
No, I didn’t. Lately, I somehow catch my own gaffs much more readily than I see others… It’s my forgiving nature, I suppose. 😉
I lol’ed at that Mark. 🙂
Sometimes I write a really great post, click send and then later notice that I’ve mispelled at least one word and I get pissed of that I can’t edit it. I’m a poor example of a Virgo.
It’s the one big flaw here on this website. Others I post on allow edits much more easily…
Whoa, changes! They freak me out. Spell check too!
The problem is that I think the edit plugins slow down page load times quite a bit. I can’t afford to get one of those fancy servers that cost hundreds of dollars a month and allow editors to add all kinds of fancy features, but I know people really want an editing feature, so we can see how this goes. If it makes everything too slow, imma have to get rid of it unti, I figure out something else.
Its a bit slower already for me. Not too bad though.
Yeah, I hear that. Honestly, it’s the only quirk on the site… that’s why I mentioned it. That and my apparent inability to actually proofread BEFORE I post, I guess…
woah spell check!! Life saver for a girl like me who almost failed 5th grade spelling!
I just added a plugin that should let you edit comments for up to one hour after posting. Try a test comment and let me know if it works.
Do you mean “pissed OFF” rather than “pissed OF”? Sorry, I just HAD to….
Also, spending money on a wedding just because the rest of your family expects you to have a wedding? F that. Seriously.
What does MOA mean? I have Googling for 20 minutes and all I’ve found is Minute of Angle, Memorandum of Agreement, Mall of America.
It’s a Dear Wendy acronym that stands for Move On Already.