“Should I Confess My Feelings Even Though He Isn’t Single?”
The bummer is he has a girlfriend who lives in another city (about 4 hours away). As the semester has gone on, I’ve wondered if he might be feeling the same way. A few girlfriends who know I like him (and have hung out with both of us) think it’s pretty clear he has some feelings for me, and a few people on campus have asked if I’m his girlfriend. We’ve joked about dating before, but there is equal probability he’s just joking or he means something more. I’ve tried dating other guys, but I’m secretly hopeful he has feelings for me.
I’m not sure if he would end things with his girlfriend based on the strength of our friendship, but I wonder if he would if I told him how I felt. I was thinking I might tell him before the holiday break starts, and we won’t see each other for a month and a half. Either he’ll feel the same way, not be sure or he won’t reciprocate at all. And if it is either of the latter two, the break will be a good time for him to think about what he wants or for me to get some distance. I figure if he isn’t interested, it’ll suck, but at least I can move on. And I think (I hope) our friendship will only be awkward if I make it awkward – although, maybe I’m being naive and it will change a lot (maybe his girlfriend won’t want me to hang out with him anymore, maybe he’ll feel too awkward, etc.). But the upside would be so great!
Is it a terrible idea? When I like someone, I tend to read all his behavior with the slant that he likes me. So maybe the fact that he has a girlfriend and hasn’t ended things is reason enough that he’s not interested.
I feel like you’re going to give me tough love which is good because I think I am seeing this situation too hopefully. — Ready to Tell
No tough love. The guy has given you enough signals that your feelings may be reciprocated that you two getting together isn’t some far-fetched idea. You’ve given this a lot of thought, weighed the consequences of confessing your feelings, and seem — rightfully so — to think the potential benefits of being honest outweigh the potential drawbacks. I say go for it! Just make sure you’re OK with possibly losing this guy as a friend (which would probably happen anyway if you continue harboring unexpressed feelings for him) and for things to be a little awkward until this blows over.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Hmm. I don´t agree with Wendy on this one.
I think if the guy liked you back (and thought you might like him) he would not be with his GF anymore. At least if he had any intentions of dating you.
It could be that he doesn´t like like you, and is just a decent guy. Or it could be that he DOES like you, but doesn´t want things to be awkward if things go badly, since you´re neighbours, and classmates.
If I were you I´d up the flirting a little, and see where things go from there.
I don’t think it’s right to flirt with a guy knowing he has a girlfriend… I dunno that just seems wrong to me. It’s one thing to be up front and honest about your feelings, but to just “up the flirting” seems underhanded and manipulative to me….
LW, you might be the stand in girlfriend here. I have seen this happen ALOT. So when someone is in a long distance relationship, they miss that day to day interaction. So they replace it with someone they like as a friend but are not attracted to. He likes his girlfriend enough to try and make long distance work and he has been away from her for a whole semester.
If it was me, I would feel compelled to go for it because I believe you regret the things you don’t do far more than the ones you do. However, I would be prepared to get a no.
This seems like the grad school equivalent of a work spouse situation. Still, she might as well go for it, as long as she’s prepared herself for him not to be interested and for the friendship to cool. If he’s interested, great; if he’s not, she needs to move on anyway.
I don’t know, he might like you, or he might not. But, really stop and think about the consequences if you do tell him and he doesn’t like you as more than a friend. More than likely it will be really awkward for awhile and his girlfriend probably won’t be comfortable being around you. He might decide he can’t be friends with you any more. I’m not sure that staying friends while pining for him is very good for either of you though. If you decide to not act on it I would probably suggest scaling the friendship back and expanding your current friend circle. I would also suggest trying to date other people.
And if you do decide to tell him, be prepared for the response to be very negative. And not just from him there is the potential for the group you hang out with together to become awkward too. I think you just need to be really prepared for that and the idea that the friendship might be more than awkward, it might be over.
Why is it that just because someone of the opposite sex is a friend to you, there must be feelings there?
I find it tasteless to confess your feelings for someone who is in a relationship.
I agree with Wendy, especially after I realized them both being in grad school meant they were not teens, but had the life experiences of getting through college and getting degrees.
This is not an uncommon dilemma. How does one approach a guy in this situation? Do you say something like, “Sometimes I wish you didn’t have a girlfriend”?
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
(j2 getting out paper and pen to take notes!)
Er. I mean, I do agree with Wendy that telling him–at this point– might be a good idea. If only as a way for the LW to get over her feelings one way or another. But I have to admit, these “I secretly have an intense crush on my guy friend who’s taken” letters rub me the wrong way. And since Wendy didn’t go the tough love route, I don’t mind giving this lady some of what she expected.
Sorry, LW. But like, really? There are no other guys in this grad school community for you to help yourself get over this one? I’ve felt those all-consuming crush feelings before, & it sucks, but when I realized my crush was inappropriate, I really, really TRIED moving on. I didn’t half-heartedly try while secretly imagining all the ways *I* was the one my crush truly wanted. To your credit, you’re aware you might be viewing things with a skewed lens, & I’m sorry if I’m kinda lumping you in with others who have written in.
I dunno, in regard to the “signs”– I just think that most people still have this childish part of them that sees opposite-sex friends together & thinks “OoOohh, they must LIKE-like each other!!” When both parties are actually friends (you know, not harboring secret crushes), that shit actually gets annoying. Like, “NO, we’re not DATING! Geez.” So yeah, the fact that everybody assumes you’re “with” this guy probably means nothing.
Of course, he COULD have feelings for you! People in relationships get crushes, too. But why do you want the one who’s already in a relationship? Wouldn’t it feel sort of uncomfortable if, say, this guy DOES share your feelings & he’s willing to leave his current girlfriend over a passing crush?
Although Wendy’s saying you’ve “given this a lot of thought” like it’s a good thing, I personally just see you as being calculating. Your plan is to tell him right before he leaves for break? So, what, while he’s with his girlfriend, he’s brooding on how much he’d rather be with you or something? Look, I’ve had wicked thoughts like that, but I didn’t act on them. I feel like confessing is a pretty Not Cool move.
BUT, but, but, if you really want to do it, make sure you’re doing it because you’ve reach a peak & need to get over that hump one way or the other. It might help you get over this guy instead of continuing the fantasy.
I personally believe that if you respect him then you respect his relationship. You need to let it run its course and see if it falls apart on its own. He will probably see his girlfriend over the break and either their relationship will be strengthened by the contact or they will realize that it isn’t working. Even if it isn’t working that doesn’t mean they will breakup immediately. If they are serious they would probably try to make it work for a while. Think about it, if the guy breaks up with her just because they are in a long term relationship and you happen to be available then he would do the same to you if the two of you ended up in a long distance relationship. Getting a guy to dump his current girlfriend because you’re interested isn’t the way to build a long term relationship based on mutual trust. If you don’t respect him and his current relationship you’ll never respect him.
I’m with Wendy, I say tell him how you feel, but be ready for things to not work in your favor.
I had a friend in college who was in a lot of my classes, and we used to hang out every day. Everyone thought we were together. We’d hug and snuggle (but never more than that), and he’d get upset when he knew I was hanging out with other guys. I was in love with him, and I thought he was just too shy or scared to make a move. So I told him. And he shot me down. We continued to be friends for YEARS until once again, I couldn’t take being his “girlfriend”, but not being his girlfriend, so once again I told him. And he shot me down again. Somehow we remained friends, and we’re still friends to this day. He got salty once I met my husband and got serious about him, but now things are back to normal.
I’ll never know why he didn’t want to be with me. I never got a straight answer from him… But at least once I put my feelings out there (the 2nd time) I could know for sure that I had no chance and get some sort of closure. LW, you’ll feel better once you know where you stand, and if he’s not into you, then you should really cut back on the intensity of your relationship a little… Please learn from my mistake on that one!
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that would end one relationship just to jump into another one so quickly, assuming he and his LDR are serious and have been together for a while (verses a few months). I know not all dating situations are the same, and that there are some exceptions, but now that I’m older, I look for more loyalty and emotional maturity than that. That being said, it’s possible that maybe he’s in his relationship out of comfort or habit, and meeting you made him realize that there could be more for him out there. However, it’s just as likely that he is using you as a proxy gf to get all the benefits of the companionship of a relationship under the guise of friendship. Tread carefully. I’ve been in the position of realizing I was in a dead-end relationship when I met someone who seemed so much better, but that was mostly a symptom of a bad relationship. After it ended, I definitely wasn’t ready for a new one, even though I thought I was at the time.
I agree! I think you should tell him. He might just be coasting along and enjoying you AND gf-in-other-state which isnt fair to anyone, you included.
If he doesnt feel the same way, at least it will pull him up short to re-evaluate what he does in a friendship with a woman – possibly give out the wrong signals?
Tell him. putting your furniture together, grocery shopping etc.. sounds more than friendship to me. I had a guy friend who was very much like that – turns out he had feelings for me. So go for it and if it doesn’t work out well you can make other friends out there.
in the big picture, you confessing your feelings like a romcom isnt going to play out like a romcom. like, its not going to be some dramatic scene where he realizes he is in love with you, ditches his bride, and you two run away into the sunset. so if that is what you are imagining (or any variation of that), stop.
the reality is that itll probably be a messy blip on the radar. i think its a fairly common occurrence for people to be asked out, whether or not they are in a relationship. you could argue that because you *know* he is in a relationship its a little shady to do, but if his relationship is anything that he takes seriously, he is going to graciously decline, and your friendship will either fade out or be over in that second (potentially messy). if he does like you, he will either have to break up with his girlfriend “for you” (messy) or he will start cheating on his girlfriend with you (also messy).
you know, you do also have the option of ending the friendship, with or without telling him why… and that is what i would tell you to do. he is off the market- you know this. hanging out with him and developing these feelings was not a good idea, although you couldnt 100% control that, and its not healthy for you. so honestly, i think you should tell him, “i am developing feelings for you. we cannot be friends anymore because this is unhealthy for my mental well being. i do not want to break up an (apparently) happy relationship. im sorry, i dont want to be doing this, but it is best for everyone”. i would do this so that way, he knows what you think, he can do what he wants with that information, and you dont put any pressure on him to “choose” between you and his girlfriend. but, im sorry to say, my guess (if he is the nice person you think he is) is that he will laugh with his girlfriend over his friend who he cant hang out with anymore because she fell in love with him because hes just *so awesome*.
Leave it.
Men aren’t just these helpless little creatures running around waiting for women to tell them what to do. If he likes you enough and wants to ask you out and break up with his long distance girlfriend, HE WILL. He doesn’t need your permission. Your confession of feelings for him won’t spring him into action. If he hasn’t done anything yet, it’s because he doesn’t want to.
I’m 100% sure he already knows you like him. And as LBH mentioned above, it’s pretty rude to try and ruin someone’s relationship for your own benefit. Trust me, if he wanted you more than he wanted his GF, he’d let you know.
I find it strange that considering how often you hang out with him you don’t know more about the state of his relationship.
I am of the opinion that when you’re dating you’re dating – not married. Now if you confessed your feelings to a married guy I would think you’re a shitty person. But the purpose of dating is to see if you’re compatible for the long term. And honestly if they are going to make it the distance your confession will have no impact on their relationship. If you are a threat then they aren’t meant for each other anyway. So I say go for it – but understand there’s a huge chance you could lose him as a friend. I know you are really hopeful but I would enter the situation hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Nopeeeee not into this. Long distance relationships are rough enough without having to contend with deliberate temptation. Maybe this is just me, but when you’re in a heavy relationship you’re in like, girlfriend(or boyfriend)-mode and if you’re away from your partner for an extended period sometimes someone else will get caught in the crossfire of your loving feelings.
Dude’s trying to make it work long distance (here’s a trick: if he’s still dating her, he’s still trying to make it work**) why try and complicate things but trying to snatch him away. Maybe he has feelings, and you’re the girl that’s in the same city as him so you’re catching them at the moment, but when it comes down to it he is prob actually in love with someone else at and is unconsciously (or consciously?) using you as a receptacle for his pent-up boyfriendliness.
** Unless he’s a spineless douche in which case, what a catch..
LW, I am in grad school, and I saw this play out many times in many different ways over the first year. Tons of people came to school in long distance relationships, and many of those people are now in relationships with classmates. I came to school in a long distance relationship, and I am about to marry one of my classmates. There was a common theme among the people who ended a long distance relationship and entered a local relationship: the person in the LDR was the one to initiate the change. Always. Without fail. Sometimes the transitions were messy, sometimes the two relationships had significant space between them, but the person in the LDR was always the one to initiate it. There are so many variables here. This guy could really really want to make it work with this girlfriend, he could be considering ending the LDR but doesn’t want to date you, he could prefer not to date classmates (it’s not easy dating/marrying a classmate). If people can see that you like him, he probably has an inkling of it as well. And if he hasn’t acted on that, there is probably a reason why. You can tell him your feelings, but even if he is starting to develop feelings for you, he may not be ready to act on them. I saw so many heartbreaks, failed friendships, etc., through the messiness of first year. For what it’s worth, if he is going to end things with his girlfriend on his own initiative, there is a good chance it will occur between November and February (that was breakup season at my school).
I agree that she has to respect the relationship, but she still needs to be honest about her feelings – either with herself, him or both. She is falling for him, and seems to realize that it will create problems and make their ability to be friends difficult for her. Why can’t she be honest and take a step back from the friendship until she’s in a better frame of mind? Would a random fade out be preferable??
If I was the friend I would want to know why someone I thought I was close to was checking out on me – and being honest about feelings, and since he is in a relationship make the assumption that they are not reciprocated, seems like the most candid and respectful way to go about it. She’s not trying to break them up, but she can’t keep pining away while folks on campus ask if they are together. I think it will give her the space to move on – which will be good for both of them – and if the time is ever right they can be friends, or more, in the future.
I’m not a fan of the idea of telling him. I have a strict rule for myself not to tell guys with girlfriends that I’m interested in them. I mean, when I find out someone is in a relationship, they kind of drop off my radar anyway and are off-limits. I mean, put yourself in his girlfriend’s shoes. Not only do you have a LDR, but then your boyfriend’s female friend is off telling him all the feelings she has for him. Honestly, I just doubt this guy is waiting for you to spill your heart. If he has feelings for you, too, then he KNOWS he’s in a relationship and that he’s the one standing in the way of you guys getting together. I just feel like if he’s not doing anything about it, then you probably have your answer.
What are the odds that he’s just waiting to see his GF over the break and break up with her in person instead of on the phone? Slim? Figured. Honestly, I don’t see the harm here. The guy’s giving her pretty clear signals that he likes her more than just as a study buddy. Fixing her furniture? Maybe I can see it if she asked. But grocery runs? Yeah, I’ve never asked my apartment – not dorm – neighbors if they need anything from the store. Also, the fact that she doesn’t seem to know much about the GF means that he’s probably not talking about his GF that much to her. Grad school is a time of flux, when you meet many other people who have the same interests and goals as you have and it’s a time to really think about where you’re going. Many LDRs don’t survive them. I’d say MOST of the LDRs that my law school classmates started out with didn’t go the distance, particularly the ones where people were just dating. I’m not suggesting that the LW put on a leather bustier and bust into his place all seduction mode, but letting him know where she stands seems like the best course of action. If he’s interested, then the ball is in his court. If he’s not, no harm no real foul. It’s embarrassing for a bit, then it’s done.
Lets say this guy does like you and he leaves his girlfriend for you and you are dating. Do you really want to date a guy who doesn’t have the guts to end his relationship and be single first before starting another? Aim higher.
Don’t do it. I was just there and got the t-shirt to prove it. It pretty much sucked to watch the guy I had developed feelings for be in another relationship (which went LDR about a year ago) and have a dream, fairy-tale type of relationship. All I heard about was how perfect it was and how he had been with this girl for awhile and they seemed practically married.
I ended up cutting contact with him on social media, but I did not tell him how I felt. Honestly, cutting him out was a huge relief, as I have nowhere near as much worry as I did when he was around constantly. I still wonder if he knew and never said anything, but I’m just glad I was able to do the right things. I would discourage the LW from doing the same, as you don’t know what the fallout could be. For me, I just didn’t see any benefit in telling this guy how I felt, as yes it would be off my chest, but I’d also be embarrassed and feared that he would be angry or something.
LW, put yourself on the other end of the LDR and think about how you’d feel if some girl confessed her feelings to your boyfriend with the intention of breaking you up so she could be with him. There are plenty of men out there that are available to you. If this dude ever breaks up with his girlfriend then go for it, otherwise, leave it be.
Also, just realize that if he is acting this way with you, if you were ever in an LDR with him, he would act the same way with another girl.
Just because a guy asks you if you want anything from the store doesn’t mean they like you. I never had this happen to me because I don’t live near any of my college friends (we don’t have campus). But when we are studying at the library and one of they guys (male or female taken or not taken) goes down to buy something from the kiosk or the cafeteria (not sure of that’s what you call it), they always ask if anyone wants/needs them to buy something. Which is kind of the same thing.
Same thing with helping you out with your homework and your furniture. It’s like thinking that just because the guy drove you to a bus stop or whatever it means he has feeling for you. That would mean one of my friends has feelings for every girl ever, and that is not the case.
If you REALLY REALLY need to confess your feelings you really need to be prepared for the possibilities. And if he does like you and breaks up with his current gf for you, are you sure you would be ok with that? I know I wouldn’t. But that’s just me.
Now, my opinion is, maybe distance yourself a little so that you can get over him. I don’t think it’s ok to flirt or to just right out tell a taken guy (or gal) that you have feelings for them. Again, that’s just me.
I’ve been in a ldr with my bf for almost 5 years now ( D:) and while I do trust him, I would NOT be ok with him being friends with a girl that has a crush on him.
He has a girlfriend, that’s all you need to know. I think you should scale back you friendship with him, expand the rest of your circle of friends, and try dating other guys. Going after a guy who has a girlfriend, even if he might have feelings for you, is just not right.
Meh I disagree. I am of the opinion that if someone is in a relationship, that is the loudest and only important “sign” that they are not interested. Yes sometimes people stay in bad relationships, but that’s on them. Would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t have the courage to leave a shitty relationship unless they have a back up? I wouldn’t.
LW if I were you I’d take the fact that he’s not available at face value and assume he’s not available to you. If he ever becomes single well then by all means go for it.
I know if I was in this situation, I would find it impossible to stay “just friends” once I had developed such strong feelings, but we are all wired differently when it comes to male/female friendships. The hanging out one on one and the going out of his way to help her out are what speak to me the most. I have plenty of male friends who I live near that never offer to do that stuff, but maybe they just aren’t as nice.
Reminded me of the New Girl episode where Nick is helping Jess put furniture together and realizes he is her stand-in boyfriend. But that is TV and we all know they will end up together in the end, so it probably doesn’t apply here.
Don’t. Even if he really likes you ‘that way,’ he still loves his girlfriend. Focus on getting your school done, move on, and it will sort itself out.
You know how sometimes we get those letters saying “I’ve kept a secret from this person for so long, and it’s eating at me and I just want to confess so I can apologize and get closure”?
To my memory, the overwhelming response to such letters is that confessing something (usually in these letters it’s something minor) just to make yourself feel better, even if it is the “honest” thing to do, is kinda selfish and not cool. What feels like an act of closure to you, is a big disruption to the other person.
I think the same logic applies here. Don’t meddle in his relationship for the sake of “honesty at all costs.”
If someone who had a girlfriend was acting this way with me it’s not someone I would want to date or be in a relationship with because whose to say he won’t do the same thing to you?
I say keep him as a friend but don’t go out one on one with him anymore and when he asks why say “I don’t feel it is fair to your girlfriend.”
Another thing, if a friend came to me and told me they have feelings for me when they know perfectly well that I am in a rs, I would probably get mad at them.
You know what’s missing in this letter to make me think there’s little chance this guy is projecting the same feelings as the LW, the emotional/romantic things that people who want to be more than friends, even when they are in a relationship do.
All she mentions is him being a thoughtful, helpful guy and some flimsy things about mutual friends and random people thinking they’re dating. Where’s the mention of overly friendly comments about how she looks cute in a certain outfit or cute notes/texts or some borderline “is this a friend or not” comments/actions? Even if someone is in a relationship and a generally good person, when you’re attracted to someone, these are the kind of things you do almost without thinking. If these things aren’t occurring, then I think there’s an even slimmer chance that this is all going to end well.
Definitely want an update on this one, if you’re reading the comments LW!!!
I cannot wait for the update on this one. LW, don’t leave us hanging!
When I first met the guy who I ended up marrying, I thought he was too cool for me and he thought I was too hot for him. We both ended up in relationships with other people. It took about 5 years for us to finally confess our real feelings for each other.I was kind of shocked because I really didn’t know, despite our flirty friendship.My point is that Wendy’s right. Tell him.
First, I think him “joking about dating her” is a good indicator that things aren’t peachy keen in his LDR. If he was happy with his girlfriend, he probably wouldn’t be making those jokes. I find a lot of time, there is truth hidden in jokes so if he’s saying this, maybe it’s his way of hinting at something?
Second, the LW mentioned that she’s tried dating other guys (to no avail) but maybe this guy sees that as her not being romantically interested in him. The guy doesn’t want to dump his girlfriend because he’s scared of ruining his current comfortable and familiar relationship for a gamble with the LW. Maybe the LW telling him her feelings will be the push he needs to go for what he wants. I’m not saying it’s commendable for him to stick out his LDR for the sake of comfort, but so many people stay in average relationships for that reason alone.
And I agree with everyone saying that if his LDR is strong then the LW’s confession won’t have any effect, aside from making things awkward between the LW and the guy. for awhile.
Geez… Wendy should rename this “Readers dilvulge their unrequited graduate school relatioships” because, seriously, I’m adding mine to the pile.
I was in graduate school a few years ago, and I, too, started with a serious (read five years) LDR out of college. I met this guy in my classes, we’ll call him Pete, and we had EVERYTHING in common and I quickly developed a major crush on him. Looking back at it now, I think what I liked about Pete was that he was completely different than the guys I went to ‘well known Catholic University’ with, and, as opposed to my then bf, he actually wanted to travel the world. It was like everyone knew we were dating… except for him. But the thing is, I didn’t end my LDR because of him. Like someone else said, college relationships sometimes don’t last too long outside of South Dining Hall or football games. And it also turned out that Pete wasn’t that great of a guy, anyways. He knew how I felt about him and exploited it, I think. Of course, now he’s still living with his parents and going nowhere, so I like to think karma came into play there.
Anywho, LW, long long story short: I agree with Wendy, rip off the band-aid and tell him how you feel. Most likely, he will say “I’m flattered, but I’m in a relationship.” Then, with all the embarassment, you probably won’t want to hang out with him anyways, leaving you with more time to pursue other, actually single men at school. OR, you know, focus on that grad school eduation that you’re probably going into a lot of debt for.
I’ve been on both sides of this: as the other woman, and I did LDR in grad school with a boyfriend who was in grad school. Honestly, this guy sounds a little like how my guy acts around his female friends, too. And she didn’t say how long or small her program is, but my recommendation is to not confront the guy.
If it’s a gossipy environment (b-school, law school, etc.) or small program, this will get around, good or bad. Does she really want this to affect other relationships she has with others in her program? If this works out, does she want to be known as the woman who broke up a relationship? And she said she tends to read things into situations, so remember she might be doing that. The “life is short, go for it” advice probably should stay far away from any situation that could affect your future job prospects – since it’s around people in her field, who knows if someone in her program will be on her hiring committee one day and remember her only by this anecdote?
If this relationship doesn’t work out, she should let it happen without her. I’m glad I waited when I was the other woman, and when I was the LDR girlfriend, it messed things up for all involved in ways that messed up mutual friendships that haven’t mended years later. Believe me, you don’t want to be stuck in the rubble of an LDR. It’s like being the rebound, but worse.
I say don’t tell him. Partially because I think it’s tasteless and tacky, as others have said. Partially because I think if polled, most people would say that they wouldn’t want someone else to do this to their relationship. I truly think you should have just backed off way, way sooner if you knew he had a girlfriend (which tends to come up soon when meetnig new people) and knew you were falling for him (which you say you did immediately); this is a situation you put yourself in.
As far as the whole married vs. “just dating” thing goes, I think you should assume that anyone trying LDR is serious enough to want to make things work. Most couples I know don’t bother with LDR if they haven’t been together for awhile. LDRs are HARD. And maybe because of the distance, their relationship isn’t quite as strong as it was when they could see each other whenever they pleased. But so what? Does that automatically make you the better fit because you two can be goofy in person rather than on Skype? It seems like manipulating a good friend to take advantage of your closeness vs. his girlfriend’s distance to try to have a relationship with him.
The only reason I’d say “go for it!” is if you can HONESTLY say that you wouldn’t be absolutely livid or hurt if someone girl did this to your relationship. Maybe people don’t OWE other relationships respect, but wouldn’t you at least want to treat someone’s relationship the way you’d HOPE someone treats yours? I mean, we don’t OWE strangers kindness, but most people aren’t complete jackasses to strangers just because we don’t OWE them that, then turn around and defend our jackassery by saying, “The only person who owes you respect is you, NOT me.”
Letter writer, I was you. Exactly.
My first semester of grad school I became friends with a guy who had a long distance girlfriend and it became obvious that there was a mutual attraction between us (our friends would point it out, we’d hang out all the time on the weekend, spend hours talking online, etc.). Especially in a rigorous graduate program like ours, you tend to stick close to your classmates in those first few months because they are the only ones that really understand what you are going through. That contributed to my initial feelings of closeness, plus the fact that he seemed to really care about me. The first time his girlfriend came to visit that semester, I was out of town so I didn’t get to meet her. However the report from mutual friends was that she wasn’t very nice, and I selfishly starting hoping they’d break up.
After we came back from Christmas break, he told me that him and his girlfriend were on very rocky ground and that it wasn’t going well. He trash talked her to me all the time (warning sign) and I thought she must not be that great and it would certainly not work out. I’m not proud of it, but one thing lead to another where we basically confessed our feelings towards each other and started something. Soon after, he broke up with his girlfriend “for good”, invited me home to a wedding with his family, introduced me to his friends, etc. I was pretty pumped and this seemed like what I wanted…but there was still a nagging feeling I had that I shouldn’t have ignored. That spring, the girlfriend came into town (to visit family) and wanted to get coffee with him to get “closure”. They did and I didn’t think anything of it because things were still good…but soon after that, he started acting a bit withdrawn. Then, in the middle of a grueling final exam period, I got an *email* from him telling me he loved his girlfriend still and that he couldn’t talk to me anymore (icing on the cake, and not to be offended that he was defriending me on facebook). I should have seen it coming, but at the time it really broke me up.
So here is what I’ve taken away from the whole thing with my 20/20 hindsight…graduate school is a huge huge challenge on any relationship, especially a long distance one. Probably for the exactly reason you and this new guy are bonding…it seems like no one outside the bubble understands your life. At the time I was kind of too young (right out of college) to get the impact that grad school can have on relationships where one person is not along side with you. In the years that have passed since this experience, I seen this same “graduate school effect” challenge and break up the relationships of other friends of mine. My point is…. I’m not trying to excuse the guy in my story for being shady, I think he was just confused about what he wanted. Its a bummer cause it would have been nice if we could have just stayed friends, but we went down a road that you really couldn’t reverse.
Just…be careful no matter what you do, listen to your gut and realize that you could lose the friend over this if it doesn’t work out. And realize that your grad school “honeymoon” period will calm down as you get adjusted, get used to the grind and remember life outside the bubble.
Hi all, LW, i haven’t read all the other comments, so i apologize if this has already been suggested. Two quick things. A. It’s not nice of you at all, regardless your attraction, to step on the girlfriends toes and come in between their relationship. B. IF you’re to come clean and tell your friend about your strong feelings towards him, might i suggest that, you wait until after the holiday break to tell him? I think it would really be unfair to put that kind of , possible, stress/decision on him during his time away from you to enjoy time with his current g/f during the holidays, i don’t think i worded that correctly but i am sure most get what i am trying to say here.
Eh. I hope Wendy and none of the other commenters take this the wrong way but…
Why would you encourage someone to confess feelings for someone in a relationship? How would you feel if you were the SO, and someone was telling another lady to confess her feelings for your SO in the hopes that it would work out? Just saying.
I’m not lambasting the LW, and think it’s good that she was asking for advice on what to do. But that’s just my personal opinion.
Respect the LDR. You do not want to create bad karma. What goes around comes around… But if things end between LDR GF and him, then I say Go for it!!!
I know someone who was in this situation and now she’s married to the guy. she didn’t say anything when he was with someone, but he wasn’t happy, eventually got out of the long distance relationship and … you know. they are very happy. the other person found someone else too. i know this is just one story and probably completely different, i have been in lots of long distance relationships and wouldn’t have wanted someone to have been actively flirting with my significant other, but sometimes some things work out and other things don’t. does he talk much about the girlfriend/the relationship? if you spend so much time together I would think things (positive or negative) would come up.
I would not do it, this is coming from someone who has been where your male friend is.
I was in an LDR and hung out a lot with a male friend. We’d been friends for a long time, and eventually it got out (heard from another friend) that he’d had a crush on me and had been finagling to be my boyfriend. He didn’t confess his feelings but I was ticked off. I wasn’t interested in him at all, and here he was thinking that if he played his cards right I’d realize how special he was and dump my boyfriend. It made me even more angry since they had met and were friendly, but that didn’t stop him from seeing my boyfriend as an ‘obstacle.’ The one saving grace was that he had been advised to not confess his feelings. If he had tried to make a move I definitely would have cut him off. I thought I spoke a lot about my boyfriend, mentioned that he was really important to me, and talked about our future plans enough but he was totally convinced that I’d dump him any minute.
Long story short, be prepared for him to pull away if it’s not what you think. Just saying.
What is there to debate or dissect? Sure, tell him, as long as you understand that he might feel the same and he might not. If he does share your feelings, it’s up to him to decide what to do about it.