“After Multiple Breakups, Should I Call It Quits for Good?”
I’m very discreet with my life, and I always keep it drama-free. I believe I’m an attractive young lady, I have a masters degree, I carry myself with class at all times. I have had a house since I was 25, and I take great care of myself and my son. But I feel he’s ashamed of me or hiding something. I’m a poet, and, when he comes to my events, he makes sure he marks his territory, meaning he’ll be all over me. He is very jealous at times and gets mad at me when other guys break their necks to look at me, as if I gave the other guys a memo to look. He is also in the entertainment industry and each time he has an event I’m not invited, I only find out about them on social media. He doesn’t post pics of me on social media, which doesn’t matter to me, but it bothers me that he takes pics with other women from his events and puts them on there. And when I question him, he says it’s for promotional use only. I will ask,”Well, why don’t you just get a fan page instead if that’s the case, and keep your personal life separate.” I never get a direct answer.
His phone is another thing: he is so secretive with his phone, and I never gave him a reason to be as I never went through it. Sometimes he walks off with his phone, just to talk. When I break up with him, he comes back 15 pounds heavier, crying some BS as to how he is stressed out and can’t stop eating and needs me in his life. I don’t understand. I feel like three years is a very long time to be going through BS like this. I feel like I put in 95% and only get 5%. I’m not rushing into marriage; I just want to be acknowledged, and know 100% who I’m dealing with. Should I just let this fat butt eat his heart out and call it quits for good? — Three Years of BS
Yes. And while you’re at it, why don’t you introduce yourself to the guys breaking their necks to check you out? Maybe you’d like one of them, and maybe if you experienced better treatment from a a better guy, you’d be less likely to keep running back to your loser boyfriend who treats you like dirt. Just a thought.
P.S. Just because a guy keeps coming back to you, 15 pounds heavier, acting like he’s miserable without you, doesn’t mean he actually cares about you. It just means he’s bored.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Yes. Aim Higher.
If a guy says his exes are crazy, he’s the problem, not them. He probably just didn’t like it when they set boundaries and expected him to behave like a decent person. Besides , I suspect you’re his sidekick, and that he’s already introduced another woman to his church and family. Dump him.
Yes. It kinda sounds like you hate him.
I don’t know where you got that from.
🤣
Honey, you may say you carry yourself with class, but look at the company you’re keeping.
Seriously, how many red flags do you need? MOA. Now.
Yes.
Why would you want to be with this guy? Seriously, being by yourself is much better than being unhappy in a relationship. For such a smart lady you’ve been acting pretty dumb.
WWS. LW, If you accept scraps of a relationship then that’s all that you will get: scraps. If you want more than relationship scraps from a partner, then MOA. Aim higher for your next potential partner. Much much higher
It makes me sad that so many women date men who are seemingly embarrassed to be seen with them. Really sad. When I’m in lurve I can’t wait for all my friends and family to meet the love-conquest. Someone please tell me one legitimate non-shady reason a boyfriend would not want to introduce their girlfriend to everyone in their life.
Did anyone else imagine him peeing on her when she said he marks his territory?
I imagined peeing around her on a stage in a circle
“I carry myself with class at all times.”
You might think so, LW, but your letter makes me doubt it.
I think it’s immaturity, she sounds a lot younger than 29
Kudos to the LW for asking whether she should let him eat his heart out though. That’s hilarious.
LOL okay I never have the mental energy to seriously comment on letters Wendy posts in the afternoon, but I’ll try.
“usually, I’m the one to break it off” <— if you've broken up so many times that you can only roughly estimate ("usually"?) who breaks up with the other one more often, then your relationship is over. Like, over for good. Don't get back together.
"I’m very discreet with my life" <— where is that "you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" meme when you need it?
"I feel he’s ashamed of me or hiding something"
"…when he comes to my events, he makes sure he marks his territory, meaning he’ll be all over me" <—- but, what? Those aren't the actions of somebody who's ashamed of you…
Like, I think maybe you meant to juxtapose the way he acts at YOUR events, with the way he acts at HIS (the ones he doesn't even invite you too)? Which, okay. That's valid. But I honestly don't even feel like addressing it, because this relationship should have been over (again, for good) long ago. But, moving on—
"I feel like three years is a very long time to be going through bull shit like this" <— yes! Yes, yes. When you think these things to yourself, listen. Don't listen to anything else inside of you that's telling you to take this man back. Just listen to the "damn, this is actually bullshit. It's been ~way~ too long to be dealing with this" voice.
And then don't allow this dude into your life anymore! Honestly, it shouldn't be that hard if you both go to separate churches & run in totally separate circles. It's as easy as not answering the phone.
This guy doesn’t appear to like you. Don’t date people who don’t like you.
You don’t appear to like this guy. Don’t date people you don’t like.
Neither of you seems to be able to decide if you want to date the other. After six month or so, if the answer is “unsure,” then the answer is “no.” It’s been three years. The answer is no. Do not date this guy. Even if he gets fat. Even if he begs. Even if you’re afraid to be alone.
The first thing I thought reading this was, “he’s cheating.” And not ON you – but WITH you. He won’t introduce you to his family or bring you to his church or entertainment events? That could be because his other girlfriend/wife is going to be there.
The only thing that stopped me from thinking this 100% is the Facebook thing – he posts pictures with other girls, but not his girlfriend/wife. Anyway, a lot of this just sounds odd, and if he’s not in a relationship with someone else, I think your suspicions that he’s hiding something are warranted.
LW, nothing you say about how you live your life screams ‘classy’ to me. You are clinging to a ‘relationship’ with a loser in which you are kept invisible, but keep going back for more. That is not classy at all. Time to face the facts, you are a FWB to this guy. You are setting a very bad example for your child. Do you really want to model this doormat, no-self-respect life-style to your child. You actually consent to being hidden from view for 3 years and call it a relationship? MOA and treat yourself with some self-respect.
LW something is seriously wrong with your relationship….this guy is hiding something from you….for me if i can’t trust somebody than i can’t be in a relationship with them….either he is seeing someone else (or possibly multiple people) or he wants to keep his options open….either way i think you should MOA and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve
Kinda sounds like he’s already attached to someone else. You guys have been together for 3 years and you haven’t gone to his church or met his parents? Something is hugely wrong there.
And do you have custody of your child? If you do have custody, how does he treat HER/HIM? There is absolutely no mention in your letter of interaction between your BF and your child. Or even between YOU and your child.
I this jerkwad of a “boyfriend” is treating you this shittily, you question him on some of his actions/statements, etc., and you don’t get a satisfactory answer—DTMFA. Does someone really need to take a hammer and pound this into your head?! Do you really want to continue on down this path in hopes that it’ll all turn around? Do you think that will really happen? He has obviously shown you his best–at least the best he’s will to offer; which, to me, isn’t good at all. And do you have such low self-esteem that you’re willing to keep putting up with treatment?
DO NOT let the door hit you on the ass on the way out….
Put that Masters Degree in Poetry to good use by writing a Dear John letter and then here’s an idea…DON’T TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN. He isn’t the problem LW, you are.
This guy is probably cheating on you (or trying to) and wants to maintain a persona of being available to other women, but he likes the security of a relationship so he keeps dragging you back in. This guy is not relationship material. Break the cycle, end it for good, and look for a partner that wants a real relationship.
You don’t give any reason for why you should care about this guy who doesn’t treat you well, so why should you care if he gets fat? MOA!
If you keep taking back a man you seem to hate and who won’t let you go to his church and acts shady with other women, then I would not say that you avoid drama. That’s the very definition of drama.
You clearly aspire to be someone who is classy and mature, and in order to achieve that, you need to find someone you can have a happy and stable relationship with that doesn’t involve breaking up a lot.
I’m never one to jump to accusations, but this guy sounds like he is hiding SOMETHING. Him being all over at you at your public events while simultaneously hiding you and not introducing you to his family–HUGE RED FLAG. He may feel sad as hell when you kick him to the curb, but he doesn’t have his stuff together enough to be above board.
Honestly, from the way you described yourself you sound like a real winner and this guy sounds entitled. The truth? He not entitled to keep coming in and out of your life. You ARE entitled to have the love you deserve. And while I’m at it, a great quote from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Go find someone truly amazing who matches up with you and gives you what you deserve!
I was wondering who is cooking him dinner while you are broken up and he is gaining weight?
Sounds like you are his side piece. Three years is a longtime to be a secret. You are way too good for him.
Based on the comments, my thought process is that is in a committed relationship (i.e., married).