“The Bridesmaids Have to Buy Another Dress and It’s All My Fault”
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my doctor decided to adjust my due date to a week before the wedding. I stepped down as soon as I found out; I don’t want to ruin her day by being a no-show. She agreed it would be best for me to step down, and she asked another friend of hers to replace me as a bridesmaid.
My two other girlfriends had offered to throw me a baby shower, and they seemed excited about it, but then they clammed up. I couldn’t figure out what happened, and I asked if they were still up for throwing it. They said yes but that they’d like it to be a very casual party, with store brand soda and $1 frozen pizzas, maybe a veggie tray and a fruit tray also.
They finally told me that the original bridesmaid dress is not being produced anymore and they can’t find one for the other friend, so the bride has selected a new dress and now they all have to buy the new dress, but they can’t return the old dresses since it’s been too long and the store won’t accept them back. I feel terrible that my friends and the bride’s other friends have to go to this additional expense because of me. I can’t afford to replace all of those dresses, though.
The fact is that neither of my girlfriends can afford to throw the baby shower now, and it’s my fault. I talked it over with my mom, and we want to take care of the food, beverages, and decorations, but we know it’s not kosher for the guest of honor and her mother to host the shower, nor do I want to hurt my friends’ feelings or pride. Can you think of a diplomatic way for me to tell my friends that we want to foot the bill for the shower, but I still want them to act as the hostesses? — One Dress, Two Dress
I find it mind-boggling — yes, mind-boggling! — that the bride in this scenario is making five of her best girlfriends take on the added expense of buying a second bridesmaid dress for her wedding because she HAS to have seven bridesmaids, presumably to match the number of groomsmen because, God forbid, there be an uneven number and someone walk down the aisle alone or with, like, a flower girl or something, nor can she fathom the idea of one of the dresses not matching the others exactly (even though she was OK with your maternity dress not being an exact match…).
You say several times that this is all your fault, but it’s not. I mean, yes, when you got pregnant and realized the due date was a week after your friend’s wedding, there definitely should have been some conversations about what would happen if you couldn’t make the wedding or what you would do if whatever dress you decided on didn’t fit on wedding day, but that’s as much the bride’s fault as yours. I mean, all these grown women, and no one thought to say, “Hey, due dates aren’t exact predictions; that baby could easily come three weeks before then.” Even if none of you has had a baby yet, I’m assuming you all have SOME knowledge about how these things work. Or mothers who know how these things work! Really, for obsessive as the bride sounds, I’m shocked she didn’t call your OB and demand an exact hour you would be giving birth.
Anywho. This isn’t all your fault. Honestly, if there’s anyone most deserving of blame here, it’s the bride for being nuts. First, for making all of you buy dresses a year before the wedding and, second, for making everyone buy a second dress instead of adjusting the number of bridesmaids or accepting that one of the dresses will look a little different than the others. But I guess that’s all out of your control. I’m more surprised that none of the other bridesmaids spoke up and said, “What the fuck, dude, no, I already bought a dress and I’m not buying another!” But, then, these are the same friends who all stayed quiet when you said you’d be having a baby a week after the wedding, so.
And that brings us to your current dilemma: how to handle your baby shower situation. Here’s what you do: Have your mother contact them and say she heard that they’re hosting your baby shower and she’s so excited about celebrating you and her grandbaby-to-be that she would love to help with the cost of the shower as a surprise to you. Your friends won’t want to say no to your mother and they won’t want to tell you about it either — or blame you for offending them — because they will think you don’t know about it. Then, your mother can write a check or give them cash earmarked for food, beverages, and decorations, and you’ll have a lovely shower that your friends can plan without going into more debt. Boom. Everyone’s happy.
But, seriously, you bride friend is nuts.
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LW this is not your fault. A normal bride (and good friend) does not make her friends buy a second bridesmaid dress. Also I want to know more about this last minute bridesmaid. Who would agree to be a bridesmaid when everyone else had already been asked a year ago? And why wouldn’t that person say I don’t want everyone to have to buy a new dress because of me, maybe you should only have six bridesmaids.
I wouldn’t feel like this was just on your shoulders. This is odd. And honestly if I found out my friend was having a baby the week after my wedding I’d be like oh friend I love you but I think maybe we should call you an honorary bridesmaid and if you can make it great, if not we can get together after. And you know maybe you should have done the same thing, but such is life. I also agree that the replacing you is odd. What will she do if someone breaks a leg and can’t come. Does she have other stands in waiting?
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And I think Wendy’s suggestion for your Mom is perfect. It’s sweet that she wants to make the shower special for you and to ease the burden on your friends.
WWS. All the way. My first thought before even reading Wendy’s response was, “Why the fuck does there need to be an alternate bridesmaid??” People are so crazy, I just can’t even.
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Anyway, Wendy’s advice about the shower is perfect. Definitely do that.
I think it was a huge mistake to have people buy a dress a year in advance. How many people do not gain or loose weight? Styles and tastes change. Things change and so do we. When she heard you were pregnant, the thing to say is that both of you will be busy around that time and that you will support each other as best you can, but to understand you might be distracted and not directly present for each other right on that day and to have you bow out.
My friend did the order a year ahead thing for her wedding. Her MOH had the brilliant idea to “motivate” herself by buying the dress several sizes too small since she had one year before the wedding to lose weight. In that year she actually gained more weight and they couldn’t alter the dress to fit, not enough fabric. The dress was discontinued by then and she actually had to drive 8 hours away to a store that happened to have one left on the floor as a sample that was in her size. What a waste of time and money!
I’m kind of having the opposite problem. My sister had me buy my dress for her October wedding in Feb. I was trying to wait, but the other bridesmaid heard about a sale and ran out and bought her damn dress in January and we had a similar concern where we didn’t want it to be discontinued and then I wouldn’t be able to get the same one.
Only thing was that I was on a health/diet kick and it was going really well and I was losing a bunch of weight. So I was trying to wait to get to a steady state weight before buying it but they pressured me to get it and so I bought the size I was then figuring it’s easier to take in than let out if my diet crashed and burned.
So its like a tent on me now. The dress was only $100 and didnt need to be shortened so I would have gotten away for that… except now I need to go get it taken in a couple inches. And no David’s will not let me exchange it. I can’t fault them, they did make me sign a thing that said I understood it was final sale.
But congratulations on your weight loss!
Thanks! LoseIt app and lots of running 🙂
I honestly didn’t think that after I met my goal in mid April that I would keep it off. I figured I would meet my goal, and then start eating again and rebound to the weight I was in Feb. I guess there’s still time. Cookies for every meal… gotta fit into the dress!
I downloaded the lose it app, and can’t figure out how to work the recipe part, or really any part of it.. What did you do?
The recipe part is kinda weird in the app. I only ever used it from the computer because it was much easier. I also didn’t use it much, mostly just logged the foods individually using the barcode scanner or search feature or if you use a web recipe, a lot of them have the calories calculated for you– it might not be exact, but it’s close enough.
Have you checked the FAQ section on their website, should be able to walk you through getting started. Like with most things there’s a learning curve, but you get the hang of it in a week or so.
http://support.loseit.com/
In one wedding, we purchased our dresses a year in advance and got them three weeks later. The second wedding, we purchased our dresses 6-7 months in advance… the two girls who purchased theirs last (meaning 6 months in advance, rather than 7) didn’t receive their dresses until the week before the wedding bc of a backlog. Bride almost lost her marbles because the dresses needed to be altered and she didn’t know if they’d get it done in time… but it all worked out.
This is the reason why I hate “bridesmaid” dresses. If I ever am a bride again (happily married after a Reno wedding with 4 guests, so hopefully I never will have occasion to be a bride again) – I would be far more likely to just find a reasonably priced cocktail dress at a normal retailer so there’s no ordering and waiting.
For my best friend’s wedding about 15 years ago, we bought JCPenney prom dresses off the rack. Way cheaper.
I think the groom should pretend he never asked one of his friends to be a groomsman and then the numbers will still match. Just kidding, but this is a situation that could have easily been avoided if the bride weren’t so insistent on replacing another bridesmaid.
Right?! He should tell the friend that he’s sorry he “assumed” when he asked him to be a groomsman that the decision was final and that actually, he’s not.
I vote this best comment, just because it’s hilarious.
Wendy and the rest of the commenters have it covered; this isn’t your fault, the bride is being nuts, your mom can gracefully fund the shower without stepping on toes. Focus on the joy of these events rather than the window dressing and you’ll be fine. Congrats on your pregnancy!
PS-there is a very valuable lesson here about setting boundaries; you and the other bridesmaids should embrace the learning experience and be more proactive next time.
Solution for the dress: Have the maid of honor’s dress be slightly different. I know the trend is towards having her match with the bridesmaids, but this is not the end of the world.
Or search eBay and used formal dress stores for it.
How ridiculous are these dresses that the bride can’t find anything else in the same color if she just HAS to have a coupled off wedding party? I think the bride just wants perfect photos at everyone else’s cost. Tacky.
Wendy’s advice was perfect. If I were the letter writer I would also tell my friends that I was grateful they had offered to make the effort and whatever they put together would be happily received. There’s no rule that showers require a Pinterest board. Frankly, her friends will appreciate her appropriate attitude if she keeps her expectations in check. I’m not saying she isn’t already, btw.
I’m not surprised women who haven’t had babies might not realize how fickle the due date and last few weeks (month even) can be. And if I was a bridesmaid I probably wouldn’t think it was my place to say anything about another bridesmaid’s participation. To be honest, unless the dress was really expensive, I would probably be more inclined to silently judge the bride than to tell her I would rather step down near the wedding. I’m not saying that’s the best choice, but I can’t judge the bridesmaids too hard.
Totally not your fault. This is a wedding not a staged production of Guys and Dolls. The wedding party does not need to match. They do not need to be even on each side and it’s the bride’s fault that everyone has to buy a new dress.
Congrats on your pregnancy and hopefully your friend’s sanity will reappear shortly after your baby does.
God, yes! Nothing ticks me off more than brides who treat their wedding party like actors they’ve hired for a musical extravaganza, instead of loved ones they’re sharing a major life event with. “Oh, no, one of the cast dropped out, now we need to hire another actress and we need new costumes for everyone!”
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Who cares how many attendants there are on each side? I just went to a wedding that had 5 on the bride’s side and 3 on the groom’s side. The world didn’t fall off its axis. No one shrieked in horror. I doubt if most people even noticed.
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No, your friends are not going to an additional expense because of you, and unless they’re as shallow as the bride, they’re not blaming you.
It would be weird to be asked to be a bridesmaid’s understudy. “Hi Sarah, you’re not one of my top three but you’re right up there at the top of the second tier” Gee, I’m honored :/
Oh, I’m totally going to do that one day… and ask the second tier contenders to purchase a dress just in case. Because, why not? KIDDING!!!!
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I’m totally doing a court house wedding and then a fun party sometime thereafter.
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Also, I potentially have three weddings on June 25th of next year. What the fuck?
So, I was in a wedding once where, because of “IT MUST MATCH!” shenanigans, the groom’s brothers weren’t in the bridal party, but my husband, a very casual friend in a “hey, you’re neat, and our wives are friends” way was among the groomsmen. I didn’t even get to march with him, because I ranked higher in the friendship scale, and we couldn’t disturb that order, no siree.
Oh for the love of God! Yes, what Wendy said x 100! The whole time reading the letter I was wondering why the hell there needs to be a sub bridesmaid and all new dresses! What a wacko bride. She’s so deep in wedding planning/etiquette/je ne sais trop quoi that she can’t see the forest for the trees. You shouldn’t feel bad at all, LW!
I wonder if the LW feels this way because the bride told her that it was her fault. Being so controlling as she is pictured here, I can imagine the bride telling the LW that she is a bad friend for getting pregnant before her wedding.
Yeah this is all on the crazy bride who is forcing everyone to buy a new dress and the equally crazy bridesmaids who didn’t stage a coup when the bride came up with this stupid plan. Honestly, these are grown women and if they can’t afford a new dress they need to freaking say so.
I would save maybe a tiny sliver of blame for your doctor who did not do his/her diligence to explain to you that due dates are not a magical pinpoint day on which you will give birth but a fuzzy work-towards date. And not only is calculating when you’ll be at 40 weeks a rough estimate rather than a definitive date, there’s also the matter of preemies, complications, etc. They shouldn’t have made you think that a due date is a safe bet. Moms on the board, did any of you go into labor ON your due date?
I think Wendy’s advice is solid– if you feel strongly about contributing, you can give the cash to your mom to pass along with her contribution. But either way, you should not blame yourself for this lunacy.
I agree that they should say something if they can’t afford it. My guess is the other five bridesmaids can afford it and aren’t saying anything even though they find it tacky and presumptuous just to keep the peace and not take on drama. I would back out if it was a hardship but if I wanted to be in the wedding I probably wouldn’t say anything, either. Its Bridezilla’s big day after all.
I was actually asked to be a bridesmaid once about three to four weeks before my due date and the bride knew when she asked me. I told the bride that was honored but there was a good chance I might not be able to make it if I was on bed rest or labor. I asked if it would throw anything off as far as walking down the aisle, pictures, seating arrangements if I couldn’t do it last minute. She hedged and I could tell she wanted to honor me by asking but would have preferred to have everything the way she wanted it. So I told her it probably wasn’t a good idea. If the wedding had been less formal I don’t think it would have mattered.
Oh and I did have one come right on his due date (but I went in to labor the night before)
I’m sure there must be a some who do! But also many that don’t.
I think its pretty uncommon.
I was on bed rest for several days, and my daughter was 2.5 weeks early. It was a c-section delivery with complications. I was in the hospital for 4 days and couldn’t get up out of a chair/bed without help for at least a week after that. It was a couple more weeks before I could walk around normally, without feeling like my guts were going to fall out. So yeah, wouldn’t have made it to the wedding…
15 days early and 14 days early, respectively.
I was born on my due date, because I’m perfect. My older brother was 2.5 weeks early, and my younger brother was born two weeks late (my poor mom!).
I was also two weeks late, and I was due in August, so poor mom had to schlepp around for 2 extra weeks of summer with a big baby belly.
Mine were five days early and 9 days early.
Both of mine were 5 days before the due date.
More than the dr, I cant imagine why LW wouldn’t have asked if she would be OK for the wedding. I for one checked with my Dr. for stuff like that. Hell, I even checked if our planned vacation destination would be OK!
Personally, I think 7 bridesmaids is getting into over-the-top territory. I saw pictures once of a wedding that had 25 groomsmen. I think there were only like 15 bridesmaids but still. The photos of the wedding party should have been panoramic.
LW – others have covered the not your fault thing. I LOVE Wendy’s baby shower advice. I think it’s totally acceptable for your mom to call or send an e-mail saying she wants to help out. Your friends will be relieved and probably thankful. Let us know how it works out! Also, congrats on the upcoming baby. Don’t let this crazy bride stress you out.
It kind of rubs me the wrong way that LW is only concerned about the baby shower.
But yeah, WWS. Who on earth could possibly think they could be in a wedding a week before their due date???
I’ve heard of someone being the MoH in her sister’s wedding 1.5 weeks after having her first kid. And the sister (and their mother) expected this woman to be able to attend to all the duties of a wedding while juggling a 1.5 week old baby (her first child).
The same sister was also super upset when said woman couldn’t FLY to Las Vegas for the bridal shower at 8 months pregnant (a high risk pregnancy no less). The sister stamped her feet and said this person just didn’t want to make the effort to fly.
So, some people are seriously clueless about the difficulties of being pregnant or having a newborn and juggling other tasks (like wedding responsibilities)
That is insane. Although I was told by my sister that I was lazy, when at 8.5 months pregnant I didn’t want to go out for dinner after having babysat her kids all afternoon. So…
I guess that is what the MoH gets for having gotten pregnant in her sisters wedding year!!! the horror!!!
I think she’s more concerned about her friends’ finances (as they’ve already said they will host the baby shower) than the baby shower itself.
I think she’s more concerned about finance, too. I would just reassure the friends that she’s not a head case like the bride (but don’t put it that way)
I agree. It didn’t come across as only caring about the baby shower, but more about not wanting to her friends to financially stress over it especially now that they have to buy a 2nd bridesmaid dress (which the LW feels responsible for even though she’s not)
But showers aren’t a necessity!!! She doesn’t want the cheap shower her friends offered, so she’s going to pay for it??? Why not use that money to buy stuff for the baby?
I am anti shower, so maybe I’m biased.
But we don’t know that she doesn’t want a cheap shower. Her friends might have actually said $1.00 pizza and “store brand” pop. My comments earlier about not needing a Pinterest board doesn’t mean I think the lw wants to plan something elaborate but obviously the friends feel embarrassed that they can’t do something like that. So I would reassure them about expectations so they don’t feel apologetic or bad. Chipping in should be about sparing them added expense they can’t afford (they might also be bringing gifts)
It also seemed to me that the LW feels guilty that her friends, who initially were enthusiastic about the shower, are now feeling a financial crunch due to the second-dress problem she blames herself for (but which is actually not her fault at all). So the LW already thinks she’s put these friends out once on the replacement dress, and that the shower will put them out again.
My SIL was due a week after my wedding, and she was a bridesmaid. I was totally mentally prepared for her to go into labor on that day. I was maybe even kind of hoping for it. She did fine though, even managed to wear heels down the aisle.
Yeah that kind of annoyed me too. Like the bride is whacko for her demands but the LW simply MUST have a shower thrown by her friends as well. Entitlement across the board to me
I can only guess at the scorn the bride would have heaped on my shabby-ass wedding. It was a potluck. One family friend made a roast beef, another brought a ham, others made cake. The husbands made us wine and beer so the liquor cost was limited to hard spirits and mix. It was in the garden and we had just a MOH and best man. FIL did the music. Officiant was a family friend. Once the old folks got tired we all went and partied at the motel where most of our friends were staying. Nobody had to remortgage their house or anything. It was hardly worth doing at all. Oh yeah, except that I ended up hitched to the woman I love. We still have a couple of bottles of the wine, with the homemade label: “D & M, August 28, 1993.” That’s right folks. Tomorrow is my 22nd wedding anniversary. Am I crazy to think that it’s all been a sham because we didn’t drive our families to bankruptcy over our wedding?
Ah! Congrats on 28 years tomorrow!
And I think to make up for having such as shabby-ass wedding, you should remortgage your house and throw yourself a huge 28th wedding anniversary party to make up for your lackluster affair and to ensure the ongoing success of your marriage. Because the only way people know it’s going to (continue to) be successful is if you blow all your money on it….
It’s 22, but thanks. We’ve been together for 26 years. We’re taking the day off work, driving up to a nice lake for some canoeing and beach time. Then we’re coming back to the city for dinner at a swanky restaurant. Then Saturday, our gay buddy is having his 40th birthday. I mention gay only because these boys REALLY know how to chuck a wang-dang-doodle. (That’s a party, not a gay drawing contest.)
I can’t read. It’s 22 years on the 28th. Woops.
That sounds like a really lovely day!
For those too young to remember the Queen of the Blues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUHkY0K8HE.
Remember to get your wife an Amazon gift card.
Seriously. I mean is it even a proper wedding if nobody gets into debt over it?
Congrats Diablo!!!
Love it – congrats in advance!
congrats
Congrats, Diablo!
I had a friend who told me that his cousin spent $55,000 on her wedding. Yes, $55K! Her dad was a blue-collar worker who had to pick up a second job to pay for the wedding (and he’s still not paid it off). The kicker…she only stayed married for 6 months before she filed for a divorce.
What really blows my mind is how people spend 20-30K on one day, like it’s a Hollywood movie! Costumes must be perfect, hair extensions and spray tans for all. Video of the wedding party walking down the street in a scene set up. Then there is the reception complete with video montage about the bride and groom. Oh cant forget the website! Then 50% end up divorces, some while still paying for the wedding!
Almost the same with a baby shower. Some people expect one for second and third babies! This writer, complaining about “store brand soda and $1 frozen pizza” which granted is pretty cheap, (the offer of the mom offering to pay is good for better food), but still no one owes you anything. Are expensive items like a stroller or crib on the registry? Ridiculous.
I don’t think she was complaining about the baby shower. I think she feels guilty about her friends buying another dress since she thinks it’s her fault – which it’s not IMO – and she wants to help them out and not burden them further.
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We won’t get into etiquette, but some would say it’s tacky for a family member to throw a shower. I believe she was asking if it was ok for her mom to either throw one, or help out. She seems like she is trying to do things properly with the least amount of impact on those involved. That’s my impression.
If the bride absolutely has to have a matching dress, why not search for it online? Tons of people sell gently used bridesmaids dresses. Alternatively she could order the same fabric from the dress maker (it’s fairly likely they’ll have the fabric if not the actual dress anymore) and have a tailor make one to match. Also, call other shops that carry the same dress line and ask if they have any more. Or have the maid of honor in a slightly different dress. There are seriously tons of options to go to before insisting that all the bridesmaids buy a new dress. That is some stupid bridezilla behavior. I would encourage your friends to speak up about the financial burden this is putting on them. This bride is crazy unreasonable to expect that of them, and that is 100% on her
who the hell cares if your mother and you host your shower? who cares? ffs.
and it’s not your fault, shit happens. she could have went with 6 bridesmaids. plus if SHE wants to change the dresses, she needs to foot the bill, not the rest of the girls.
AYFKMWTS ?!??!?!
I didn’t even read what Wendy wrote, or any of the comments yet, but I bet I’m going to say WEES. The bride is a terrible, terrible “friend”. I hope she didn’t gas-light you (and the other bridesmaids) that this is actually your fault. It’s 100% on her. (And, congratulations and best wishes to you!)
Nobody is even talking about the REAL tragedy here. And that is that I’d bet a million bucks that both dresses are BEYOND hideous!!!
Well, that IS a tragedy.
I agree that making all the bridesmaids buy a new dress is preposterous. But I don’t think it’s wrong to want everyone to match. I guess it’s all “image” but I guess if you were planning on having everyone match, then it does look off. Will people remember? No. But still. That said, babies, shit happens, etc. The groomsman probably wouldn’t care being not matched up.
The solution to the one extra groomsman is so obvious if you’re having a traditional wedding… have him walk the mother of the bride down the aisle (assumes the father is walking the bride).
Yup. We had three groomsmen and two bridesmaids at my wedding, and the groomsmen all ended up having to run around and go twice because my mom, divorced MIL, and widowed grandma wanted aisle escorts.
Whatever happened to, you know, bridesmaids being…maids? As in, maidens? As in young girls, NOT married. NOT pregnant. She should have been automatically booted the second she got pregnant! You don’t have an old pregnant lady as a bride’s MAID.
I sincerely hope you’re kidding with this ridiculous comment. Bridesmaids are the important women in your life, the ones you want to share your special day with. Most people don’t even get married until their mid-20’s-early 30’s anymore. So your best friend in the world is married and/or pregnant. You would exclude her and put out a Craigslist ad for 18 year old virgins? WTF?
I hope you’re just being sarcastic…
This is obviously sarcasm or trolling, but relatedly… I’m married and in my sister’s wedding. I just ordered shirts for the bachelorette party and now I have to go traipsing around Universal with *Matron* of Honor emblazoned on my chest. Makes me sound about 90.
These letters make me glad that neither of my best friends have been bridezillas. The biggest expense I’ve incurred for both of their weddings is travel since we all live in different states. Neither one has cared if the count of girls/guys was even or if the dresses all match. I’m so lucky to have sane friends.
This bride is insane and the LW sounds like a doormat for even thinking of paying for the second round of dresses.
I’m sorry , but the part about store brand soda and $1 pizza cracked me up. Maybe someone can bring some old newspapers to use as napkins.
What exactly is a $1 pizza?
Totino’s frozen pizzas!!! I may or may not still buy them at the store to eat when I’m drunk.
WTF
De-lurking because I am flabbergasted by your bride “friend.”
LW, I think you and your two friends (and the rest of the bridesmaids) need to start standing up for yourselves. Don’t let the controlling bride take advantage of you and make you feel guilty.
Also, $1 pizza is amazing. I would love it if someone threw me a party and there were $1 pizzas. Just saying…
LW, you say the reason you didn’t say anything when you first found out your due date was close to your bride “friend’s” wedding is because you wanted to be there for her. But I wonder if the real reason is because you were scared of how she might react? As in, blame you for being inconsiderate and getting pregnant?
She sounds insane enough.