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I’m posting this letter as a “Your Turn,” without commentary from me, but LW asked specifically for guys’ perspective on this question, so while you women are welcome to chime in, I’d love to hear a chorus of men’s voices tell her what’s what.
We slept together again. I went on a short trip that week, during which time he texted me daily. I came back from my trip and the third date was on Thursday, which happened to be Valentine’s Day, and he made dinner for me.
I was starting to get attached to him. But the next day was Friday and he didnt text me until I asked him what he was up to. He said he was going grab dinner with friends and go somewhere after. I was also going out with my friends that night so I suggested maybe we could meet up with our friends together after his dinner. But his reply sounded like he was not keen to see me while he was out withfriends.
Saturday and Sunday, no text. Then only on Monday he texts me things like: “How is your day?” We arranged to meet on a Thursday night. Then came Friday and the weekend, and again, no texts. I only hear from him on weekdays.
So the last time he tried to arrange a meet up on a Tuesday, I didn’t reply him. I started to feel like I was being used as his convenient ‘Weekday Girl’ when he doesn’t have anything better to do. On the following Wednesday night he texted, “How’s it going?” and I replied him bluntly that I was with my friends. That was two weeks ago now and he hasn’t texted since.
I just feel so angry when I think about the possibility that he only wants sex from me on his mundane weekday nights. I wish to have a guy’s take on this. What do you guys think of this kind of behavior?— Not a Weekday Girl
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.
kerrycontrary April 3, 2013, 9:10 am
It makes me think of Patti Stanger’s advice (Millionaire Matchmaker). If he’s not giving you his Saturday night’s for dates, he’s not interested. Overall though it seems like he’s not interested. MOA.
katie April 3, 2013, 9:13 am
i really dont think thats a good rule to apply across the board… not everyone has m-f 9-5 jobs. probably the majority of millionaires do, but not us “regular” folk.
muffy April 3, 2013, 9:19 am
he has time to hang out with all his friends on the weekend though…
katie April 3, 2013, 9:42 am
one random friday night? thats not all weekend…
Suzy April 3, 2013, 10:15 am
There’s something fishy going on. The weekends are a black hole with NO contact. He either has a gf he sees then, or is holding the weekends free for someone he may like better. Good for MOA’ing, LW.
bethany April 3, 2013, 11:23 am
I strongly disagree that something fishy is going on. As far as we know they’re just dating. He can date whoever he wants whenever he wants. If the LW wants more than that she needs to talk to him about it and not be all passive-aggressive.
bcamber April 3, 2013, 11:47 am
How is this fishy? they had only been dating for two weeks! Why would anyone expect that he would immediately free up his weekends for someone he had just met?
BreezyAM April 3, 2013, 1:32 pm
Yeah. In my experience many guys will fuck you during the week at first, and NOT do weekends on purpose, to make sure you understand this isn’t some big serious thing yet.
OTOH he may be doing what one of my dad’s ex girlfriends was doing when pulling the same stunt. Basically he was good enough to fuck during the week but she wanted to keep her weekend options open in case she met someone while out and about she’d like to fuck more. Which, actually, now that I think of it that way, is basically the same reason.
Or he could have a wife. A lot of doctors can very, very easily cheat because they’re always on call and can’t answer a cell phone at work, etc. It’s super easy to set up a GF schedule with a mistress when you’re a doctor. I am NOT saying all doctors cheat. I’m saying their profession by definition makes it much easier for them to get away than other professions.
muffy April 3, 2013, 10:32 am
she should definitely keep trying to date him them
LuckySeven April 3, 2013, 10:46 am
Yes i love this advice! But i also would have asked him out on a saturday.
theattack April 3, 2013, 9:11 am
Not a guy, but it sounds like you’re spot on. He wants you during the weekday when there’s nothing (or no one) else better to do. Sorry to tell you that. But since you give no indication that you’ve actually communicated with him about this, I would say that that’s where you should start if you’re still keeping your hopes up.
katie April 3, 2013, 9:11 am
well, im not a guy, but…
first off, i wonder why you let us know you are japanese. that just seemed a little odd.
and then secondly, why was having sex when you wanted to have sex a “bad bad move”? thats a perfectly acceptable move. what i dont think was a particularly “good” move was assuming that a few dates and hookups meant he was serious about you. maybe it was because you had sex with him, maybe its just because you two had a good time together, i dunno… but, it just seems like he is busy and/or not very into you. and thats ok. that happens! you are just dating. you two are testing out each others waters and maybe he wasnt so into it… or, at least not as into it it as you thought he was.
lastly, i dont know why you think he just wants weekday sex. hes a doctor. do you know what kind of crazy hours a doctor works? im sure he works most, if not all, weekends- thats how it goes most of the time. dating a doctor sucks, seriously. so maybe if you are looking for a particular kind of relationship that would give you your correct amount of date time or together time or whatever, date a man who is going to actually be available to give you that amount of time you need. because even if this guy is head over heels for you, i dont think he could give you the physical time commitment you seem to want.
oldie April 3, 2013, 9:17 am
That was one of the odd things. As a doctor, he could claim crazy schedule, but he didn’t, he specifically said he was going out with friends and didn’t want to combine the groups. Unless a lot was left out, he doesn’t give a reason for his silent and unavailable periods. He may be a more settled doctor without the crazy schedule who is dating a resident, intern, or nurse who has the crazy schedule. Or, he or his gf travel out of town for work and can only be together on weekends. That was my first thought. I worked with a project engineer who traveled a lot and usually had a gf in his ‘away’ workplace, while getting to fly home to wife and kiddies every or every other weekend.
Desiree April 3, 2013, 9:46 am
At 27, it is almost impossible that he is a settled doctor (almost impossible, not entirely). That age puts him in *his* residency training, so his hours probably are crazy.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:55 am
My friend was around for his residency, and his fellowship, so I think it really does depend on the field.
Desiree April 3, 2013, 10:14 am
There are variations. But even in the more reasonably-houred fields, there are weeks/months that are more intensive. It’s very variable.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:20 pm
Or even if they don’t work excessively, they probably have to work outside of the 9-5 M-F range.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 2:52 pm
Yeah that is true. My friend that doesn’t work weekends at all, does mostly lab work, so he has pretty crappy hours during the week, but his weekends are free unless he is on-call.
Jessibel5 April 3, 2013, 12:38 pm
I agree with this. At 27 he is a “young” doctor and is probably in the middle of either his residency or internship, so he probably doesn’t have the greatest schedule. For what it’s worth, if I started dating someone two weeks earlier, and had plans with my friends for the first time in a while, I probably wouldn’t want to add the pressure of melding groups together like that either. For all you know, he had this ONE Friday off for the first time in a long time. He may have just wanted to relax without having to play host, or maybe the plans were something that a new quasi girlfriend wouldn’t have been appropriate at, like a birthday party. My personal opinion is that you wrote him off too quickly. Could he be a louse who just wants ass? Sure. But ask him out for a Saturday night. Ask him why if he says no. Ask him what his schedule is like instead of just assuming. Expect not to get everything you wanted, because you so rarely do get everything you want in relationships.
I have a friend who is a career bartender. He’s been a bartender for 20+ years. He married a woman who knew he was a bartender, they dated while he was a bartender. She knew that Friday and Saturday nights are the big money nights for a bartender, therefore they work those days. They were married for 10 years, and she started sending him passive aggressive messages like “I thought that once I got married, I wouldn’t have to spend Friday or Saturday nights alone…guess I was wrong” or “Alone again on a Friday, I thought if you were married this didn’t happen” She ended up cheating on him with a guy she met while out on a Friday or Saturday, and they got a divorce. The point to this story is that he’s a doctor, and if you want a relationship with him, you need to go into it understanding that the schedule might not be the best, and you may be alone some nights you don’t expect to be, and you adapt, and you own that decision that you made. It’s when you make the decision and don’t own it that you get hurt.
Jessibel5 April 3, 2013, 12:39 pm
To clarify, that was all addressed to the LW.
Skyblossom April 3, 2013, 4:05 pm
I agree so much. You accept a person as they are when you marry them and if you can’t accept them you should move on instead of trying to make it work.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:43 am
Yeah not all doctors work crazy long weekends. I have friends that don’t work weekends unless they are on call, so they are always around, it all depends on what field you are in.
Miss Terri April 3, 2013, 10:08 am
All good points. During my residency, the hours were hectic and sometimes unpredictable, but we still found time to do things we wanted to do. And we were RARELY on call every weekend. So yes – he very well not be interested…. A good way to find out – pull back and let HIM show his interest. If he is interested, he will make her a priority…. Trust me!
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:24 am
I think she already did pull back though and he hasn’t contacted her. This fling has been unflung.
Copa April 3, 2013, 10:29 am
Even if time commitment and scheduling issues for residents vary by specialty… they’ve only been on a few dates!!! Who gets bent out of shape when someone they’ve been out with only 3 times prefers to spend an evening alone with his friends than to invite his not-girlfriend and her friends out with them? While I do think he could certainly do a much better job of showing that he’s interested (if he is, in fact, interested) — cause I mean, yeah, texting someone is pretty easy — 3-4 dates isn’t much. They’re still just getting to know one another; they’re not in a relationship. Besides, if she really wanted a weekend date, why couldn’t she just say to him early in the week, “Hey, Doctor! Want to go out on Saturday?” And if he gives her a crappy answer, take it from there. Instead, she jumps to conclusions and decides that sending curt text messages is the way to “show him”. If I’d been out with someone only a few times, and he felt like he needed something more from me but never communicated that, then stooped to blunt texts, I probably wouldn’t want to get to know him anymore. His interest does seem to taper based on this (again, very short) timeline, but how much of it was because he just wasn’t interested, and how much because LW seems to want too much too soon and has a ton of unexpressed expectations? I’d guess it has more to do with the latter.
oldie April 3, 2013, 9:13 am
He has another girlfriend who, for some reason, he can only see on weekends. You were the fill-in girl for the lonely weekday nights. Don’t miss him too much. To him you were just a booty call.
Kate April 3, 2013, 9:53 am
It could be that (although if he had a girlfriend I’d think they would have been together on Valentine’s Day)… I think it’s more likely he likes to keep the weekends open to go out and meet girls to date. Or, he reserves the weekend nights for dates with girls he’s more into. Either of these would explain why he didn’t want to meet the LW on the weekend night after hanging out with his friends.
So this would suggest that he has no intention (yet) of getting serious with the LW, but (was) interested *enough* to casually date her. It sounds like he assumed she was no longer interested when she ignored one text and then replied shortly to the next text, and he moved on. Sounds like he was mildly but not terribly interested, and gave up when she stopped making it easy to set up weekday dates. Likely would have fizzled out even if she did keep going out during the week.
My advice to the LW would be to go more with the flow in the future and not get too invested in a guy too soon. You can’t get that attached after 3 dates and expect him to behave like your boyfriend, keeping weekends open for you. If he has a lot going for him, then he probably has options, and it doesn’t make sense to expect him to drop everything and make you his first priority after a handful of dates. Give him a chance, see how he incorporates you into his life, or doesn’t, and make a decision whether you want to keep seeing him or not based on that.
Fabelle April 3, 2013, 9:15 am
Are there even any guys left on this site? I can think of maybe, like, three or four at this point?
But anyway, first: What Katie said—it’s not always a “bad, bad move” to have sex on the first date. You said it felt right, so leave it at that. As for the rest…hmm. Do you know ANYTHING about his schedule where it’d make sense he’s not free on weekends? I mean, he’s a doctor, so maybe he has crazy hours?
If not, though…then, I’m sorry, I think you’ve assessed the situation pretty accurately. You’re the weekday girl, for whatever reason. I’d MOA (especially after not having heard from him in over 2 weeks)
oldie April 3, 2013, 9:18 am
I’m a guy.
Fabelle April 3, 2013, 9:19 am
I thought of you! (although I admit I only realized you were a guy maybe like a month ago? ha)
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 10:32 am
theattack April 3, 2013, 9:24 am
Where are budj and bagge and brad and fasteddie? I vote that all DW guys are now required to return and start regularly commenting again.
bethany April 3, 2013, 9:38 am
I think we’ve chased them all away! 🙁
BTW- Today is Bagge’s Birthday, I think!
theattack April 3, 2013, 9:41 am
Happy birthday, Bagge! Wherever you are…
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:44 am
Haha thank you! I still post! It is just that I have a new Job now, so there are days I don’t get on, and then there are days I have tons of time, when before I just had tons of time to post everyday!
Taylor April 3, 2013, 9:53 am
othy April 3, 2013, 10:54 am
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 11:43 am
Thanks everyone, I feel very old today!
theattack April 3, 2013, 9:40 am
Diablo and GuyFriday are walking on thin ice too. Priorities, dudes!
Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:00 am
Hey now. I responded to a few things yesterday! I try not to comment when I feel like my responses are just echoing what everyone else says.
Diablo April 3, 2013, 11:05 am
What he said!
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 9:50 am
And GuyFriday and Diablo (I think, I’ve always thought anyways.)
Diablo April 3, 2013, 10:02 am
Sometimes I don’t comment because I have nothing to add, sometimes there is not much to say to an obvious situation. Like this one. LW, it was a hookup. your intuition is correct. I’m not sure we should label the guy a douche, because he never made any promises, but he’s not into you, or he’d be calling you. I’m not judging you for sleeping with him on the first date, but then he has been led to believe that that is what’s happening here. You shouldn’t get “attached” to someone you really hardly know yet.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:26 am
See you did have something to add. Don’t get attached when you think you know someone. And having sex does not mean you know them yet.
muffy April 3, 2013, 9:18 am
Have to be honest – I don’t like Your Turn. That’s why there are forums…
That being said – the beginning of a relationship should be a happy, easy, getting to know each other time. At least you’ve only invested 3 dates. This guy isn’t right for you if you’re already questioning things. Hold out for a guy who you know likes you.
Sunshine Brite April 3, 2013, 11:29 am
I like the Your Turns. It allows Wendy to post more often and keeps traffic up regularly.
redessa April 3, 2013, 11:57 am
I don’t care for “your turn” either. Everyone who wants to still comments when Wendy posts her reply so it’s not like this is something we don’t normally get to do. We’re just doing it without the benefit of Wendy’s point of view and I like reading what Wendy has to say. 🙂
the_other_Wendy April 3, 2013, 12:33 pm
I’m not a huge fan of “Your Turn” either, but Wendy is a busy lady already, so this does allow us to see more letters without her getting overwhelmed trying to give awesome, wise advice every single day (probably takes awhile to write those fantastic answers she always gives!)
redessa April 3, 2013, 1:31 pm
True. I totally understand why she puts one of these in every week. Kind of like a peek in her mailbag. It’s not a big deal (to me anyway) just not my favorite segment. Like I said, I enjoy reading Wendy’s responses, but I also very much understand that she has other things going on in her life and can’t answer everything.
theattack April 3, 2013, 1:47 pm
Yeah, I always prefer having Wendy’s advice, but Your Turn is important to the site for functional reasons, and I love anything that helps DearWendy thrive! There are some YourTurn letters where I can’t fathom how Wendy could write a thorough and/or appropriate response. Not that Wendy’s advice isn’t good, but that sometimes the letters are so specific or so off the wall that it really takes a whole group of people to throw out enough theories in order to find something that clicks, and Wendy just doesn’t have the time to go through all of the possible scenarios in a response. And sometimes I think Wendy leaves it to us to say things that maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable (or professional) saying to an LW. Maybe I’m wrong though. These are just theories.
BreezyAM April 3, 2013, 1:37 pm
I always figured YT was Wendy’s way of letting us point out the obvious so she wouldn’t have to be mean.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 2:02 pm
Yeah I thought she always picked the letters that had pretty obvious answers or NO right answer for the your turns which is really cool because in those cases I think it’s nice for commenters to have unbiased answers. I think it would even be cool if she would take one of the letters that she does answer every week (not answer more and add more work) and let us all comment on it and then the next day she would post her answer – almost like a quiz that we can see if we got it right, haha.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:54 pm
I like them. And I definitely prefer them to the forums just because it’s so much easier to read all the comments and reply to them.
Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:55 pm
I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your point of view. I’m also flattered that so many of you would rather read a letter with my response than without my response. It’s a validating to know that my viewpoint is an important part of this site to you.
Thank you for understanding that right now, I just don’t have the time or energy to answer a letter every single day on top of everything else I do (which includes answering 4-6 letters a week already). I squeeze in as much work as I can in the 12 hours a week that Jackson is with his babysitter and during his daily nap, plus I do a little work on the weekends. Believe me when I say I am already doing the max I possibly can without burning out (not to mention sacrificing quality).
So, I hear you when you say you don’t like “Your Turns” or you wish there was more or this or less of that. I hear you. But for my own sanity, I can’t dwell too much on the limitations I’m working with.
Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:58 pm
Also, theattack is right that sometimes — often, actually — the letters I post as Your Turns are letters I wouldn’t feel comfortable answering. For example, I don’t really do sex advice. I’m not interested in it and it’s not my thing, but that doesn’t stop people from asking me for sex advice all the time. So, rather than just ignore those letters, I post them as a Your Turn and let you guys go crazy.
theattack April 3, 2013, 2:01 pm
Omg, Wendy just said I was right! Best day ever!
Diablo April 3, 2013, 3:16 pm
Wendy, I’ll be your guest columnist for all sex advice letters provided it can be bad advice. One of the issues with good sex advice is that is tends to have to be personal and confirmed by the advisor’s experience. Even Dan Savage reaches out to external experts when he doesn’t have personal experience in certain issues, like the straight world. But bad sex advice can come from anyone. Especially me.
I once offered to write a “food and sex” advice blog for my friends called “Put It There, Pal.” I could have offered some colossally bad advice there, but the uptake wasn’t what I had hoped. Even the initial discussions (yes, they were fueled by alcohol) uncovered some very big disagreements about what food flavours go with sex flavours. And so my teachings continue to go unheard.
Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:18 am
Not a guy either. But:
– This has nothing to do with you sleeping with him on the first date. Do you really think you could have convinced him to want a serious relationship with you by waiting longer? That’s foolish.
– Have you ever actually asked him out for a date on the weekend (“meeting up with all of our friends later” doesn’t count)?
– I don’t really get why it makes you angry to think that he just wants sex with you. It’s not a judgement of your worthiness. It’s just what he wants (probably) and you get to say yes or no.
Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:25 am
Also, I think the “automatic MOA due to excessive reference to texting” rule applies here.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 1:46 pm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If sleeping with a guy “too soon” changes his opinion of me, then he’s not someone I want to be with anyway.
SpaceySteph April 3, 2013, 1:39 pm
I definitely agree with your first point. I think it’s a myth.
If you are compatible and both interested, he’ll keep dating you whether or not you sleep with him.
If one of you is not interested, then the sex won’t change that.
Funny story- I slept with, but did not have sex with, my husband on our first date.
Copa April 3, 2013, 9:25 am
Hm, so, am I the only one who thinks 4 dates in is too soon to tell if you’re *just* a “weekday girl”? A handful of my friends are doctors (still residents, but they’re working doctors nonetheless — this guy is 27, so only a couple years older, so I’m assuming he’s similarly a very new doctor) and they work long hours and keep ridiculous schedules. One of my best friends is an ER resident and we don’t get to see each other terribly often anymore — and when we do, it’s typically at a weird time, like 7AM pancakes when I’m on my way to work and she’s finally on her way home. And sometimes, when she’s “off,” she’s on-call anyway. When I read this letter, all I could think was that it’s too soon to make this assumption (though yes, it could be true that he’s not interested). I almost felt like LW was assuming that since she slept with him on the first date, he now he OF COURSE has no respect for her because it was such a “bad” thing to do, and now OF COURSE she’s just his “weekday girl.” Really, though, at least in my experience, if a doctor has time to see you a couple times in one week? He’s at least interested enough for having just been out with you a few times.
katie April 3, 2013, 9:49 am
WCS, particularly about the 4 dates thing. i mean, you dont even know each other… how can you possible know how he has compartmentalized you into his life, if he even has, in 4 dates? i just dont see that..
Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:12 am
Yeah, I definitely agree with you on the “if a doctor has time to see you a couple times in one week?” part. LW, you’ve got to look at this through the prism of the job. For an unemployed slacker, a couple of texts and a call or two a week is woefully unappreciative. For a doctor, that might be more than anyone else in his life has gotten in months.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 10:42 am
Yes! And if he is a resident, then I doubt that he has a kid or a girlfriend because I don’t think he’d be able to see them on the weekend, go on two dates and actually go to work ever. I also agreed that she decided this two quickly. This is over the span of only a couple of weeks, from what I understand. It’s not like months of only seeing him on weekdays.
bcamber April 3, 2013, 11:51 am
YES, EXACTLY. It’s not like they had been dating for months and he still wouldn’t ask her out on weekends. They had only gone on a handful of dates!!!
More likely, she freaked herself out after sleeping with him “too soon”, and therefore was hyper-examining everything.
Copa April 3, 2013, 12:16 pm
…and then she probably freaked him out with expectations she only managed to express through abrupt, likely rude texts.
It seemed to me like he started things with her with an open mind — not already thinking long term, but interested enough to want to spend time with her again. This seems pretty normal to me for just a few dates in — before you’re in a committed relationship, the point of dating is simply asking yourself the question, “Did I enjoy myself to want to spend another evening with this person?” before you eventually decide whether or not you want to commit or move on.
And then LW made things weird with her behavior/texts/aggravation that he didn’t already think of her as a “weekend girl.”
On that note, am I the only one who thinks little of weekday dates? I just don’t think it’s a huge deal under these circumstances.
Desiree April 3, 2013, 9:26 am
The lack of contact certainly isn’t encouraging. But, it’s important to note: a 27 y/o doctor is almost certainly in his residency training. That means INSANE hours that he has no control over (and could, to a limited extent, explain the lack of contact). It’s entirely possible that he has been working 120-hour weeks for the past 2 weeks. And, to reiterate what others have said, with his work schedule weeknights might sometimes be his “Saturday nights,” so to speak. I don’t think his work schedule is the only important variable here, but it’s definitely one to think about. You don’t mention any consideration of his schedule in your letter. It’s possible (*just* a possibility) that he got the feeling that you weren’t going to be very sympathetic of his schedule and therefore lost interest. A physician can’t date someone who isn’t going to be tolerant of long/crazy/shifting work hours.
Valerie April 3, 2013, 10:24 am
Sunshine Brite April 3, 2013, 9:28 am
Also, not a guy, but I would never mix my friend groups within a couple weeks. I feel that just screams too serious too fast to me which kind of feels like a general tone of the letter (and I’m not referring to sex on the first date, just attaching super quickly).
KKZ April 3, 2013, 2:27 pm
Yeah I didn’t find his reluctance to co-mingle their friends as particularly odd or alarming. What a weird thing to get hung up on.
I agree with others who are saying she overinvested in this relationship too early. That’s not to say she had sex too early – I was sad to see her essentially slut-shame herself by apologizing/justifying that choice – but that she got too attached to him and put too much importance on his texting habits. She needs to take a step back and give this budding potential relationship room to breathe.
Sasa April 3, 2013, 9:32 am
LW, you seem to be one of those people who have a set of rules in their mind how dating must work (no sex on the first date! only weekend dates really count! the guy must do the asking out!) and expect everyone to conform to them. Newsflash: Some people don’t care about those rules at all. If you care about them, then by all means, date “traditionally” and let those who you date know what you’re doing and what your expectations are. Don’t expect them to read your mind and don’t passive-aggressively text “I’m with my friends” when you mean “Ask me out for the weekend or get lost, idiot!” It’s really that easy. Tell your love interests what you want from them and ask them what they want.
Tax Geek April 3, 2013, 9:36 am
I guess I’m one of the few guys that (mostly) lurks here.
If I read the letter correctly there were two weekends in question here. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he has a child he sees on weekends. Or maybe his schedule is crazy on weekends. You wouldn’t know for sure unless he told you.
After you gave him the brush-off he may have been mildly offended himself and probably figured he could go back to online dating.
cdobbs April 3, 2013, 10:01 am
thats what i was thinking to…he may have a kid or kids that he sees on the weekend…possibly a girlfriend (or who knows even a wife)…but you don’t know that unless you ask
Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 9:43 am
Well, I’m not a guy but the reason is pretty obvious to me. When you slept with him on the first date, in his mind, you became someone he would only want for a casual fling. I’m not judging you AT ALL; I’ve slept with guys on the first date as well. But those never turned into anything serious. Sure, there are tons of exceptions with people that slept together on the first date and ended up married. It just doesn’t seem like this guy is an exception. And who knows – you weren’t exclusive, so he might have another woman that he sees on weekends. But to be honest, I don’t think you have any right to be angry with this guy. It’s not like he said he wanted to be your boyfriend and then started avoiding you. You met online and you slept with him right away, why wouldn’t he think you were up for a friends with benefits situation? Did you ever speak to him about wanting to spend time on weekends with him? It sounds like you got pissed off and responded with curt texts instead of communicating your wants. People aren’t mind readers and he probably stopped contacting you because he felt it wasn’t worth an argument with someone he barely knows.
Sasa April 3, 2013, 10:10 am
I don’t think that sleeping with someone on the first date ever jinxes one’s chance for a serious relationship with someone that would otherwise have happened. Most people who sleep together on the first date don’t get married, yes, but most people who refrain from doing so don’t get married either…If there is any connection between sex on the first date and no serious relationship that follows, it’s probably a self-fulfilling prophecy thing, where people (women) expect to be put into a certain category after having sex on the first date and start giving a vibe of insecurity.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 10:38 am
I agree that it’s not going to make someone who otherwise wants a relationship with you to change their mind. But I think that it can give someone who already doesn’t want a relationship the wrong impression, so that they assume you both want a fling and they don’t feel the need to tell you that’s what they want. The last guy I dated, I slept with on the first date, and a month or so later, he was surprised to find out that I wasn’t looking for something casual too.
Sasa April 3, 2013, 10:51 am
That might be true. In my opinion, the more important something is to you (like, you want a serious relationship, not something casual), the more you have to let it be explicitly known that that’s what you want. It’s on the person who wants to be serious to let the other person know about that. I would assume that it’s casual unless and until it’s made explicit that it’s not, regardless of the timing of sexual activities 🙂
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:18 pm
Definitely. I do think that it’s good for someone who knows they don’t want a relationship to bring that up too, though. Because even if I know I am looking for a relationship, I wouldn’t necessarily know if I wanted to be serious with that person immediately, but also wouldn’t want to waste my time if they only wanted a fling from the get-go.
Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 1:45 pm
Sara, that’s why I wrote that there are tons of exceptions. I just don’t think this dude is one of them.
Lily in NYC April 3, 2013, 1:46 pm
ooh, sorry, I meant Sasa, not Sara.
Datdamwuf April 6, 2013, 1:03 pm
I’d add that if a guy thinks having sex on the first date eliminates you as relationship materia,l then he’s not someone you want to have a relationship with.
FireStar April 3, 2013, 12:22 pm
It could be cultural too. I know guys who figure if a girl sleeps with them early that she actually doesn’t want a relationship since culturally the girls that do – wait.
Valerie April 3, 2013, 9:59 am
I’m know I’m not a dude, but I’d like to comment on the fact that this guy is a doctor. I’m curious because the LW didn’t mention anything about this guy’s work schedule. As a 27-year-old doctor, he’s probably barely out of med school and is likely an intern or is very early in residency. This guy is probably working upwards of 60, 70, 80 hours a week, and is likely working on the weekends. I know when my husband was an intern, he NEVER had weekend days off when he on hospital/in patient rotations (which was most of the time). LW, have you discussed this guy’s work schedule with him at all? I’d say, considering he’s probably busting his balls at work and is working all hours/shifts of the day, I think he’s doing a pretty good job of scheduling dates with you, even if they are during the week. I’d say cut the guy some slack. It’s OK if he needs some time out with his friends or to unwind without you (you did only just start dating!), since he only has so many hours in the day. Dating a doctor is hard, and not everyone can deal with the crazy schedule, and that’s perfectly OK if having a crazy schedule doesn’t match your needs, but I think you also need to alter your expectations a little.
Diablo April 3, 2013, 10:09 am
then again, not everyone whose online profile says doctor is a doctor.
Valerie April 3, 2013, 10:20 am
LOL, good point! 🙂
katie April 3, 2013, 11:13 am
Dun dun dun!!!
That would be so funny. Omg.
adorkable April 3, 2013, 10:00 am
I’m a woman, but I doubt this is much different from what the men are going to tell you. It really comes down to one very, very basic point: Communicate! Don’t make assumptions!
You haven’t heard from him in two weeks because when he reached out, you shut him down.
If you wanted to know why he didn’t want to see you on the weekends, you should have asked. Maybe he spends every weekend with his kids. Maybe he has a standing Saturday-night volunteer commitment. Maybe he works on the weekends. Maybe he has a rare disease that makes him turn into a werewolf on the weekends. Whatever – the point is, you can’t possibly know why he didn’t want to see you on the weekends without asking, and you can’t assume that he knew it bothered you if you didn’t tell him.
Doodles April 3, 2013, 10:00 am
The way I see it is you two are just dating. You are nor exclusive so he does not have an obligation to see you on weekends. He may leave his weekends open for friends, studying or keeping his options open and meeting other people. Some people are not comfortable introducing someone they are not exclusive with or only seen a few times to thier inner circle. And the lack on texts (which, I’m sorry talking is better) could mean he is at his job, and can not respond. Residency or just working in a hospital is hectic and crazy. Peoples lives are in your hands. And if you are working with a seasoned doctor, the last thing they want to see is you on your phone. It just plain old looks bad. If you are not happy or comfortable with this situation then forget him and find someone who will fill your needs. Because this guy is not it.
Guy Friday April 3, 2013, 10:09 am
So, here’s what I notice, and forgive me if I’m repeating other people:
1.) He’s a doctor (so, crazy hours, and he’s probably tired of using it as an excuse because, you know, it’s the career he wants to have and all.)
2.) You didn’t mention ever asking him how serious he wanted the relationship to be.
Really, (1) is a good point that many people have explored so far. But what about (2)? I mean, due respect, but (wo)man up and just ask him if he wants to get serious or not. And then, once you have your answer, decide if it’s compatible with what you want. But, frankly, I think you probably already pissed away any chance you had of getting serious with this guy with that last text you sent. Generally, when someone says they “bluntly texted”, that usually means they said more than “out with friends.” In fact, I’m guessing you phrased in such a passive-aggressive way to make it sound like you were mocking his “out with friends” from previous texts. And if that’s the case, and you guys have gone on a few dates and never had any conversations about making it a serious thing . . . well, I’m a romantic guy who gets easily attached, and even I’d look at that and be like, “Uh, ok. Obviously I pissed her off and she’s no longer interested. Better move on.”
Also, as a comment to those who are drawing distinctions between “weekday” and “weekend”: I get where you’re coming from on that, but there are a lot of professions — doctors and lawyers especially — where, honestly, you work so much that the days all start to blur together, or your calendar is messed up such that, say, Tuesday and Wednesday are like most people’s Saturday and Sunday. So it’s entirely possible that we should be viewing this as if he was an average joe and inviting her out / texting her on Saturdays and Sundays (by which I mean that I think most people who jump to “his job is crazy” rather than “he’s seeing you on the side”)
Fabelle April 3, 2013, 10:51 am
I agree about the text she sent, although I’m thinking she said LESS, not more. I’m picturing a terse one-liner about being out with friends, probably—like you said—mimicking a previous text he’d sent her. So, not exactly something he would want to respond to…
j2 April 3, 2013, 10:25 am
I asked six guys. Here’s what I got:
– he’s in an LDR and sees her on weekends (3)
– he’s got family obligations, possibly kid, but also possibly parents (2)
– he’s an on-line gamer and schedules his time for weekends (1)
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:29 am
Haha this is awesome. We should nominate one commenter every letter to poll all the males in their office (or near them) on the LW’s situations. That might balance out the gender gap round here.
ReginaRey April 3, 2013, 9:27 am
I think this is a case of confused intentions, LW.
It sounds like you’re not interested in having a casual relationship. You want something serious, something meaningful. That’s your intention. Which is great!
But it’s not enough to just set an intention. Your intention has to align with your action. I can’t tell you one way or another, but it’s important to ask yourself: “Is what I’ve been doing, who I’ve been interacting with, what I’ve been accepting aligned with my intention of desiring a serious relationship?” Both in this interaction with THIS guy, in particular, and in your daily life, in general.
Typically, when our intentions and our actions aren’t aligned, we end up with a situation that isn’t working for us. I don’t think this situation is working for you. You aren’t happy with it, and he doesn’t seem very interested. When your intentions and actions start to align, then you’ll more easily find someone whose intentions, desires and actions mesh with yours.
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 10:28 am
Just ask him why he can never hang out on weekends. You seem to be the one who has sorta blown him off, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s giving up on trying to hang out.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:29 am
Where you been at home slice?
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 10:34 am
I had been taking care of my grandma 24/7, and then she passed away, so I’ve been dealing with all of that.
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 10:41 am
I’m sorry she passed 🙁 but I’m glad you’re back!!! I was about to FB you to check in!
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 10:45 am
Thanks guys. Caring for her the last few days she was alive and seeing how badly she was hurting made it a little easier knowing she’s done with the pain now. Its still hard though. So quick.
Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:03 pm
So sorry to hear that, but I hope you feel a sense of peace knowing your loving care meant a lot to her and that now she’s no longer in pain.
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 1:43 pm
I do and it helps. Thanks Wendy, and all of you.
stickelet April 3, 2013, 2:35 pm
So sorry for your loss LBH.
painted_lady April 3, 2013, 4:22 pm
I’m so sorry. I know you’re more at peace that she’s out of pain, but that doesn’t mean you miss her any less.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 10:43 am
Sorry, LBH. 🙁
Fabelle April 3, 2013, 10:45 am
Aw, I’m sorry to hear LBH :(!
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 10:47 am
Aw I’m sorry to hear that. 🙁
theattack April 3, 2013, 10:49 am
I’m so sorry, LBH… That is so hard. I hope you and your family are able to find peace soon.
bethany April 3, 2013, 11:26 am
Awww… I’m so sorry 🙁
rachel April 3, 2013, 1:01 pm
Sorry lbh, I was wondering if that had happened when you weren’t commenting. Hope you and your family are doing okay 🙁
ktfran April 3, 2013, 1:24 pm
Add me to the sorry train. I’m sorry you lost your Grandma LBH.
FireStar April 3, 2013, 2:16 pm
Sorry sweetie. But how lovely for your grandma that she had you with her at the end.
lets_be_honest April 3, 2013, 2:29 pm
Honestly, in a way I hope I die the way she did. The end was brutal for her, but fairly short. Only 6 weeks from diagnosis.
When she died (at home), my grandpa was in bed with her holding her hand, telling her how beautiful she is and all of her children were at her bedside. All of her grandkids (almost 20!) and close friends had visited with her within a week of her passing. She had a good end.
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 2:35 pm
This brought tears to my eyes, LBH. How lovely that her family was there to surround her and to comfort each other.
FireStar April 3, 2013, 2:36 pm
I’m not sure it gets better than being surrounded by the people you love most in the world.
Diablo April 3, 2013, 3:38 pm
Sorry for your loss.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 10:29 am
I dunno, LW, I think you jumped the gun with your assumptions. You only went on 3 dates! You didn’t decide to be exclusive, so if he’s casually dating other people that’s OK, and if he wants to carve out time for his friends, that’s OK too. I honestly don’t see what the big deal is.
bcamber April 3, 2013, 11:55 am
thank you. II was starting to think that no one actually read this letter 😛
comeoneileen April 3, 2013, 10:32 am
I’m not a guy either, but I’ll throw in my thoughts. First of all, he’s a doctor so maybe he works or is on-call a lot of weekends. It seems like the only time you both tried to make weekend plans was kind of a group hang out with your respective sets of friends. Maybe he wasn’t ready to introduce you into his social circle just yet? And that could be for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I know my friends have big personalities and can be a little eccentric, so I sometimes wait until I’m more serious with a guy before introducing him to them. Finally, I’m not a doctor but I work a pretty crazy job with lots of long hours and I really, really value my weekends as a time to decompress, spend time with my friends and family, and just do my own thing. I know when I first started dating my boyfriend I would specifically try to schedule our dates for weeknights so that I would still have my weekends to myself. Honestly, a few weeks in when I had no idea where the relationship was going to go, I just wasn’t ready to give up my prime free time for someone I wasn’t even sure was going to be in the picture for a long time. Now of course my boyfriend is my favorite person to spend the weekends with, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with not making someone you just met and started seeing your number one priority. I know all relationships are different and sometimes it works out when a couple immediately starts spending time with one another 24/7, but people have lives and that shouldn’t necessarily stop for the guy/girl you’ve gone on four dates with.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 10:37 am
I’m crazy busy right now too, and I’m the same way on weekends. I have to carve out a chunk of time to just do NOTHING.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 10:32 am
I’m torn about this one. If he’s a 27-year-old doctor, he must be in residency still, right? In which case, he wouldn’t just be busy, he’d be working weird hours — overnights, weekends, whatever. Have you ever just said something about how you guys usually hang out on weeknights? I don’t mean a serious conversation, but I dated a guy briefly, and we usually only hung out on weeknights and that was actually a topic of conversation between us because we thought it was weird, since weekends seem like date nights.
Anyway, that sort-of relationship of mine started out very similar to this. From your explanation, you guys saw each other several times in a week at first. If you guys had already hung out twice in one week, maybe the weekend seemed like overkill, but by Monday, he wanted to see you again? Or he just has plans on the weekends and isn’t ready to incorporate you in them or to start seeing less of his friends?
I’m not sold on the idea that the weeknights aren’t a bad sign, but there are a lot of things it could mean. If you’re interested in him, why not get together again and ask him what his schedule is like or talk about whether there’s interest to keeping going?
Doodles April 3, 2013, 2:55 pm
My husband has always scheduled dates on weekdays bc he hates crowds and we still prefer weekday dates and spend the weekends home together.
MissDre April 3, 2013, 10:39 am
I didn’t really read all of the comments yet but it seems like everyone is saying he’s not that into her. I sort of had a different take on this.
It sounds like they only went on like 4 dates? It could be that the guy liked her but wanted to take things slow as he got to know her before he started committing his weekends to her. Maybe he has a tight group of friends that he always spends the weekend with. I know I wouldn’t drop my friends and my routines for somebody I’d only gone on 4 dates with. Now that I think of it, the last couple of guys I dated, in the beginning most of our dates were on weeknights when we didn’t have plans with our own friends.
Plus when it’s still new and you’re just getting to know someone, you don’t immediately introduce them to all your friends. I think it was at least 2 months before my boyfriend met any of my friends and vice versa. I didn’t even tell anybody about him for the first 3 weeks even though I really really liked him, because it was so new and I didn’t know yet how things were going to go.
Anyway, my point is that I don’t think this guy is a douche who only wanted sex on his boring weekday evenings and I don’t think this is a case of “he’s just not that into you”. I think 4 dates is just too soon to start rearranging your schedule and regular routines for somebody. He was probably just taking the time to see how things go and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think she was just expecting too much too soon.
Then she got huffy/moody without even telling him what was bothering her and he was probably like WTF is up with this girl? He probably thought things were great and then was confused when she ignored him and then “replied bluntly” and then was like ok whatever, moving on now.
But that’s just my opinion.
ebstarr April 3, 2013, 10:54 am
Totally agree! Just posted something similar without seeing this. 🙂
FireStar April 3, 2013, 2:11 pm
I agree too. Four dates is too soon to have expectations of Saturday nights – or even exclusivity…unless that is the conversation you have.
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 10:42 am
I think this is how many people, male and female, act when they are not looking for a relationship.
bethany April 3, 2013, 11:28 am
YES! It seems to me like he just wants to date and have fun. There’s nothing wrong with that! If the LW was interested in more than just dating she should have had a discussion with him about it.
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 12:00 pm
Right? It’s not rocket science. You hung out and hooked up a few times and one (or maybe both of them?) weren’t feeling it…so communication stopped. I mean, talk about normal behavior!
Honestly, if I was that guy I would think the LW is blowing me off. “So the last time he tried to arrange a meet up on a Tuesday, I didn’t reply him…On the following Wednesday night he texted, “How’s it going?” and I replied him bluntly that I was with my friends.” From his point of view I would 110% read being ignored/no response and the blunt “I’m busy” response as the LW isn’t interested anymore.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 9:50 am
Ok, so my first thought while reading this was that this guy has only been on a couple of dates with you, and he really just wanted to kind of keep you to himself to see where this was going, but probably wasn’t looking for anything long term anyways unless it just happened, and he also still wanted to go out, and enjoy his time with his friends at the bar, and probably hit on other girls, and you wouldn’t help with that. Then you kind of jumped off the deepend for a second or two there, because he wasn’t giving you the attention that you wanted, and you sealed the deal for him, and now he is done with you.
parton_doll April 3, 2013, 10:33 am
That’s exactly how I read it.
ktfran April 3, 2013, 11:12 am
I’m a girl, but that’s pretty much how I read it too.
bethany April 3, 2013, 11:25 am
My thoughts exactly.
sarolabelle April 3, 2013, 12:00 pm
Yep. But maybe give her advice on what she should do next time she is in this situation.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 1:26 pm
Well she didn’t ask for that, but I will give it a shot haha.
I think she should contact him on the phone next time instead of relying on text messages for someone to understand how important something is to you, and remember that communication is key, that way you aren’t making up different scenarios as to why somebody isn’t hanging out with you. Also don’t put so much so quickly into a relationship, you have to realize that everybody moves at different speeds, and this guys was moving a lot slower than you were. Oh and never feel bad about sleeping with somebody so soon if that is what you both wanted.
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 1:28 pm
I think people use text too much at the begining of relationships now! I remember when I first started dating, we didn’t have text messages so you had to talk on the phone! I think people are so afraid to talk to somebody at the begining of a relationship that it sometimes takes longer to develop, or can go straight to sexy talk, without ever finding anything out about somebody.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 1:31 pm
ebstarr April 3, 2013, 10:53 am
Not a guy, but when I was single and had a group of close friends, I didn’t start seeing someone I was dating on the weekends till it got serious. Why give up time with your friends for someone you barely know?? To some people, giving up weekend friend time is more serious a move than sleeping with someone. I am one of those people, sounds like the guy is too.
I think you’re right to believe that you weren’t “important” enough yet to see on the weekends, but wrong to conflate it with being “used” for sex — maybe he was just waiting to see how things went before introducing you to friends. Unfortunately, given that it’s been two weeks it also sounds to me like he heard your pissiness and wasn’t interested enough in you to find out why you were annoyed with him. (I just hate when people get into this “I shouldn’t have slept with him, he never would have treated me this way if I hadn’t given it up so soon” mindset. Like every guy is just walking around with a giant madonna-whore complex, deciding how to treat women based on specific gradations of sluttiness. Most guys are not like that, and if you’re dating one who you think IS like that, maybe don’t sleep with him, y’know?)
ele4phant April 3, 2013, 11:04 am
Look, a lot of theories are being floated around here, but honestly none of us nor you really knows why this guy is only seeing you weekdays. Does he have another girlfriend, is he just keeping you as a booty call, does he have a crazy work schedule, or is it something else? Based on what you (and what you’ve told us) any of those are possible.
In the end, the why doesn’t matter. As things stand now, you aren’t getting what you want out of whatever this relationship is. So seeing as you haven’t invested all that much time and emotional energy, my suggestion is to cut your losses and look for someone who can, or wants, the kind of relationship you want
Amber April 3, 2013, 11:13 am
How many weekends did this actually gone on for? Two weekends in a row? He could have just had two busy weekends in a row. It’s not like this went on for months.
Regardless, he hasn’t contacted you in two weeks. I would just leave it.
Matthew April 3, 2013, 11:16 am
Hey, I’m a guy. Does that mean I can answer?
Nope.. because there isn’t remotely enough information here.
I can think of a bazillion reasons why over the span of 2 weeks you never met on the weekend, but based purely on wild speculation from the one time it seems you asked to spend time with him on a sort-of weekend, I would guess that he wasn’t going to blow off plans he had already made with his friends to meet up with someone that he’s gone on a total of 2 or 3 dates with.
But frankly, he could just have busy weekends, or a secret girlfriend, or a strong need for alone time to recharge, or happened to have had plans for a couple weekends to see his family or catch a sports game or go fishing or fly a kite. If you want to see someone on the weekend, ask explicitly more than a few hours beforehand. And if you want to know why he can’t meet on weekend, ask him explicitly what his weekend plans are – his answer would have told you everything you need to know (or at least helped us figure it out and tell you.)
Beyond that.. what’s with all the texting. Before I met my current gf, when I was online dating, I still always called to set up plans. I don’t mind texting for quick communications, “good mornings”, “sleep-wells”, etc, but I can’t imagine actually planning a date via text.
Edit: One more thing; Obviously, MOA and don’t dwell on this guy. Even if all your worst fears about him being an ass are true, then it sounds like you dodged a bullet, so go celebrate.
J April 3, 2013, 1:30 pm
I think he is the one who dodged a bullet. Not seeing someone on two weekends is not an asshole.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 1:49 pm
Ha! That’s what I was going to say too.
ktfran April 3, 2013, 11:24 am
Serious question because the term douchebag gets thrown around a lot.
Why is it that so many DWers, and people in general, call a dude a douche because he sleeps with a girl and doesn’t want more than that? If it’s not comminicated by said girl that she wants a real relationship, why is the dude automatically a douche or an asshole. I don’t get it. At all. I know nobody heare specifically said it, but it does get used a lot. The girl isn’t getting what she wants out of relationship, so the guy is a bad person. I would easily guess that nine times out of ten, the dude has no idea what the girl wants because she’s trying too hard to be the “cool girl.”
Fabelle April 3, 2013, 11:45 am
DID anyone call this guy a douche, though? I was wondering this too, because in some comments, people were like, “I wouldn’t call him a douche…” Well, WHO called him a douche though??
Anyway, I think people throw that term around for the LW’s sake most of the time—they don’t ~actually~ think the dude is being douchey, they’re just trying to get the LW to move on & think of him that way (maybe?)
MissDre April 3, 2013, 12:09 pm
Well with the number of people saying he’s married or up to something fishy, that’s sort of implying that he’s a douchebag. But I don’t think he is.
ktfran April 3, 2013, 2:54 pm
I wasn’t really directing it at this letter. Just in general. But maybe you’re right. People might say it to make the LW feel better. LIke they do with their bestie. That would make more sense.
Diablo April 3, 2013, 3:47 pm
I don’t know about the last part of your last line, but i definitely agree that 9 times out of 10, the guy has no idea what the girl wants. Even in LTRs and marriages, this is still likely truer than we would ever want to believe or admit. My wife can be stupefying in her refusal to answer simple questions straightforwardly. “Should we go out on saturday night?” “well, we’ve got a lot of work to do around the house, and I’m very busy at work next week, but i guess it would be nice to see the gang, i just don’t know if i feel like it.” (Uhh… yeah… so should we go out?” “I don’t want to be up too late and hungover cuz your parents are coming for brunch.” “Sooo… stay in?” But it would be nice to have SOME social life…” “Soo… go out?”
This can go on for hours over relatively innocuous issues like which video to watch. And I’ve known her for decades, not days. Reading DW gives me more options for what she MIGHT be thinking, but no insight into what she IS thinking. I already know that I don’t know the things i was clearly supposed to have known, or i wouldn’t have been such an insensitive jerk. Obviously.
Skyblossom April 3, 2013, 4:28 pm
That’s when you say, “Can you give me a yes or a no?” or “I could use a yes or a no.”
Diablo April 3, 2013, 4:43 pm
Trust me, if it were that easy…. In many cases, i know she is deliberately winding me up, but how to separate those from the unintentional vicissitudes of her thought processes. Almost invariably, if I say, “just say yes or no,” she’ll respond with, well, did you consider….?” I haven’t ruled out the idea that she is deliberately gaslighting me to destabilize my reality. That doesn’t ONLY happen to women! No WAY am I letting her win this marriage! No WAY!!!!
Skyblossom April 3, 2013, 5:11 pm
I know. It’s funny and aggravating all at the same time.
How about, “Let me know when you make up your mind.”
My husband and I tend to have the following conversation. We’ve agreed we want to go out. No problem.
Either of us begins.
“Where would you like to go?”
“I don’t care. Where would you like to go?”
“I really don’t care.”
“We’re so decisive.”
But, we’re lucky that we actually do want to go out so at this point one or the other of us will name a restaurant and that’s where we go.
oldie April 3, 2013, 11:44 am
Sorry, I missed what I think was the most likely explanation. They met on-line. Likely she is one of several women he has met on line and was dating to see if any of them really appealed to him. LW does not mention any talk of being bf/gf or exclusivity, so likely he felt no obligation to be dating just her. He decided he liked one of the other women better and is done with LW. This whole situation unfolded over a period of just 2-3 weeks, which is the exploratory, casual dating period. Maybe he thought she was rushing things in terms of wanting an implicit commitment in terms of how much time/attention he gave her, but most likely he never felt as great a connection as LW did. No foul, just normal dating, MOA.
oldie April 3, 2013, 11:45 am
I think the ‘why not on weekends’ was a red herring which led many of us astray, rather than focusing on this being just a couple of weeks time with no information from LW on how much time they spent on-line together prior to dating, if they had a strong connection on-line, etc.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:37 pm
I think you’re definitely right.
wendyblueeyes April 3, 2013, 11:44 am
He’s married. That’s why he can’t meet up when he’s out with “friends” on Friday. He’s with his wife.
MissDre April 3, 2013, 12:02 pm
I completely disagree with that. I absolutely do not believe that. They only went on 4 dates over like 10 days. He’s under no obligation to rearrange his life for a girl he just met, and at no point did he ever call her his girlfriend or make any kind of commitment to her. Just because a guy doesn’t drop his whole life for you, it does not mean he’s married or being dishonest.
Guess what, my birthday party was 10 days after I met my now-boyfiend. And I didn’t invite him. Because I’d only known him for 10 days, and I wanted to see how things would progress between us, and 10 days is too soon to introduce someone you don’t even really know yet to all your friends. I hadn’t even told my friends about him yet because I liked him a lot and I didn’t want to rush into anything. Does that mean I was married? Was I lying to him about being with my “friends” when I was really with my husband? Was I being dishonest? No. I was a single girl living at home with my mom and I’d already planned a night out with my girlfriends.
GatorGirl April 3, 2013, 12:16 pm
Yeah…no. I’d be $100 that he actually was out with friends.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 12:17 pm
That’s a little extreme. So now every guy that “just isn’t that into you” is married?
FireStar April 3, 2013, 3:07 pm
don’t be silly. he could also be gay.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 1:44 pm
So, what did he do with his wife while he was cooking the LW dinner on Valentine’s Day? Or when he had her over for takeout and to sleep over?
BreezyAM April 3, 2013, 1:50 pm
Friday nights are for girlfriends, Saturday nights are for wives. Didn’t you watch Goodfellas? 😉
bagge72 April 3, 2013, 2:48 pm
Sucks for his wife on Valentines day then!
kare April 3, 2013, 11:46 am
Maybe I am totally naive….but I don’t see anything wrong with weekday dates. You barely know each other, why should he give up his weekends? I’m not nearly as busy since I’m not a doctor, but my weekends are my time with friends or family, volunteering, and me time. I’m not opposed to seeing someone on weekends, but I would be annoyed if I spent my weekdays with someone and it still wasn’t enough.
Copa April 3, 2013, 12:24 pm
I don’t see anything wrong with weekday dates. I honestly think in some situations, it “means more” if you can spend your weekdays with someone. My boyfriend and I see each other on weekends, but we live about an hour apart. He works at a hospital and has fairly demanding, sometimes unpredictable work schedule. I’m F’ing flattered when he makes time for me on a weekday. It involves planning and driving and scheduling and effort. Obviously there isn’t enough information to tell here, but when I read that this guy cooked her dinner on a Thursday, thought abouy my/my boyfriend’s typical Thursday, my reaction was, “That seems nice! By Thursday the last thing I want to do is cook a meal for someone else after a day at work.”
Eventually — like, if they were a few months in — I think it’d become a red flag if he was always spending Friday nights out with the guy and blowing her off or not inviting her. But not yet!
theattack April 3, 2013, 1:10 pm
This boyfriend of yours…. Tell us more about him, please. How did you meet? What’s he like? You know you can’t tease us like this, Copa!
Copa April 3, 2013, 1:33 pm
We met online when I decided to give online dating a chance. Even though it worked out for me I’m honestly still on the fence about online dating since I found the weirdos a bit overwhelming on there… Yikes! I paid for a month and regretted it almost immediately because WOW some of those people are weird. Digression aside, the new guy is so very sweet and thoughtful! He does things like stock his fridge with beer I like. Haha. Somehow despite very different upbringings we seem to work. It’s still newish (met late in 2012, “official” for like a month?), but he makes me happy! We’ll see how it goes. Yay!
Lynn April 3, 2013, 11:54 am
Geez way to be passive aggressive. And you guys are just barely dating? What’s the big deal?
I think I’m what people would consider a “serial dater” and if a guy started to make our deal more serious than what it is without discussing it with me first… I would run the opposite direction.
Example, the most recent dude and I have went out a few times and I liked him. I did not introduce him to any of my friends, and I also only went out with him on weekdays because I like going out with my friends on weekends… I reserve weekends for guys I really like and want around my friends… So I had only been out with this guy a few times and wasn’t ready to bring him around friends.
Anyway, last week we’re out, and he literally says to me, “I can’t believe I locked down a girl like you.” and I asked, “Um what?” and he goes, “You know, what’s going on with us since you don’t really commit to guys.” (or something along those lines… it was a BIZARRE conversation). That shit creeped me out for multiple reasons, and I stopped talking to him. He texted me last night, and I told him that I’m no longer interested in seeing him anymore.
the_other_Wendy April 3, 2013, 1:06 pm
Can I just say that I applaud you for actually answering him and telling him you weren’t interested in seeing him anymore. So many people would have just not answered and thought “Well, he’ll get the point” and that is one of my largest pet peeves.
ktfran April 3, 2013, 1:19 pm
I actually make it a point to tell dudes I’m not interested as well. It annoys the shit out of me when guys do this – just cut contact. So, I always make sure I tell them. It’s the decent thing to do.
Lynn April 3, 2013, 1:51 pm
Well I figure if I didn’t tell him, then I’d maybe end up stringing him along. He seemed to understand, so now I’m in the clear!
Besides, I wouldn’t want someone to do the fade out on me. I’ve never had that happen before, but I can imagine that it sucks.
the_other_wendy April 3, 2013, 2:01 pm
I’ve had someone do the fade out on me, and I took the hint and stopped contacting them, but it still hurt that I wasn’t worth enough to just be straightforward and tell me they didn’t want to see me anymore.
lynn April 3, 2013, 2:48 pm
See that’s so lame! I’m definitely in the camp that people should tell others that they’re no longer interested. I think it makes it a clean break for everyone involved.
ktfran April 3, 2013, 2:51 pm
Seriously. All it takes is a simple “this isn’t working for me.” And presto, chango, it’s over. No need for dramatics. Or a fade out. It’s really that easy.
the_other_wendy April 3, 2013, 3:08 pm
Of course, I told this to a guy once. And then he said “Well you should at least spend the night with me because I bought you a necklace for your birthday” and I responded with “Please never contact me again” and then it escalated and I had to get a restraining order. But that’s really not the common response to that.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 3:11 pm
The fade out is my favorite break up method when you’re not official. So I guess it’s not breaking up – but deciding not to continue down the path to dating. It’s probably rude but honestly I’ve had that conversation go way too awkwardly too many times to ever want to have it again. I mean if I’m breaking up with you – it’s not me, it’s you – so how do I say that? I don’t want to have to explain to someone why I’m not into them, because early on I don’t think you need a reason to quit dating them.
iwannatalktosampson April 3, 2013, 3:12 pm
Also if it wasn’t obvious I’m a coward and a conflict avoider.
MissDre April 3, 2013, 3:29 pm
Haha me too I avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs.
mmmCheesy April 3, 2013, 11:56 am
I don’t know about everyone else, but at this point in my life, I’m a little older, I’ve dated a lot, and it takes a few dates for me to get to know someone and get excited about them. And if I’m not excited about you yet, then you are not getting my weekend time. When I first meet someone, I much prefer the ease of drinks after work or a quick, easy dinner for a few hours during the week then a full-blown Saturday night date fest. Those are reserved for dates 4, 5, 6 or something like that. So maybe take it slow, give it a little more time, and then see if things move up to weekend dates?
That being said, if you never get to see the guy on the weekend, this would be a problem. My ex was like that…I would see him every day during the week, we would go out Fridays, but Saturday night was his “me time.” While I am a big fan of “me time,” “me time” on Saturday night, every Saturday night wasn’t so fun for me. It actually really pissed me off and I still to this day think it was seriously weird. It basically meant I didn’t see my bf at all on the weekend after saying good buy Saturday morning. Not cool.
mrmidtwenties April 3, 2013, 12:00 pm
Well I feel this letter is pretty pointless, if you haven’t communicated with the guy for 2 weeks, he’s obviously not interested, move on, you were obviously too attached if this is still bothering you after 2 weeks.
Mr. Cellophane April 3, 2013, 12:33 pm
As an attending physician in a residency program… It is very common for our residents to have an LDR going on, or even a long distance marriage! We have had several over the years who fly out every weekend or have their SO (usually also a Physician) fly in. They met and got involved during Med School, then didn’t match together for residency. Residency is viewed as a transient phase of life, and residents in general are very careful to not put down roots where they are.
Your guy has a “real girlfriend” who he sees on the weekends. Either MOA or become OK with it.
Lindsay April 3, 2013, 2:20 pm
I don’t think any of us can say for sure what his deal is. I think that being busy over the two weekends that he’s known her is just as likely as a secret long-distance girlfriend.
Beth April 3, 2013, 12:45 pm
Not a guy, however, I do feel she read WAY too much into this too quickly. Yes, some guys will drop everything right away and free up all there time after some hook ups. Maybe he has friends who he only gets to hang out with on the weekends, and that’s guy time. There is so much more here going on. I would have come clean and asked him about it – but I am blunt.
It is a super huge pet peeve of mine when people assume a situation or assume something is happening. He is a doctor – I have a friend who is one. She sleeps on weekends, because weeks are chaos.
Instead of getting pissed, there are so many other ways this could have been handled without just giving him the cold shoulder. Three dates and sex does not mean he has to clear his schedule for you. This sort of clingy “all about me” attitude without actually finding out what is going in is a huge problem in many relationships. A simple, honesty convo could have cleared everything up.
the_other_Wendy April 3, 2013, 12:54 pm
So, I’m mostly just repeating what everyone else has said, but I wanted to throw in my two cents anyway
I’d say that inviting her over to his place and cooking her dinner on valentines day probably means there’s no wife or child in the mix. Guys who are married do not generally invite other women to their homes. Too much evidence there of another woman. He probably just has a crazy schedule that takes up most of his weekends, and when he does have a weekend night free, he spends it with his friends who have m-f schedules.
LW, he invited you for dates, not booty calls. He took time out of what is probably an insane schedule to see you several times. You’re looking at all of this through the lens of “I slept with him on the first date and that’s changed his opinion of me”, when in fact things probably would have gone this way regardless of whether or not you had sex with him. Sex is fun, you both wanted to have it, so you did. Leave that as what it is.
You spent two weeks casually dating this guy and then got all passive aggressive because he wasn’t doing things the way you wanted to do them, but you never communicated what your expectations were. So he stopped contacting you, because you got a little weird and clingy.
If you really want to date this guy, then call him. I dunno, tell him you’ve been in sort of a weird headspace, but if he wants to get together again then maybe you could set something up.
If you don’t want to date him because you can’t deal with not having weekend dates, then don’t call him.
Easy as that.
the_other_wendy April 3, 2013, 1:17 pm
Also, from now on if you’re not getting what you want out of a relationship – any relationship (casual dating, serious romance, or standard friendship) then communicate what it is you want instead of resorting to passive aggressive (or ‘curt’) text messages.
bittergaymark April 6, 2013, 3:00 pm
SERIOUSLY. What’s with all the secret wife and child bullshit? So many on here have the detective skills of mentally challenged monkeys?
ktfran April 3, 2013, 1:15 pm
Ooh, I just remembered something. I read once, it might have been here but maybe somewhere else, that Thursday is the new Friday in the dating world.
J April 3, 2013, 1:25 pm
Maybe he uses his weekends to hang out with his friends, friends who he known longer than two-three weeks. Sorry, but just because you sleep with someone doesn’t mean you are their top priority and they drop all their weekend plans to hang out with you. Maybe he was working, maybe he was visiting his parents, maybe he was dating five other girls, who cares.
You sleeping with him on the first date was not a bad idea. You getting attached after three dates without having a conversation about the relationship was the bad idea.
Here’s a tip: Ask him if he wants to hang out on the weekend and if he says can’t, ask why. Stop playing games and expecting him to read your mind. Talk to him like an adult instead of sending him passive-aggressive texts.
budj April 3, 2013, 1:36 pm
What Bagge said.
I’d also add 2 weeks is not enough time to really assess if you were his week day gal or not. And the only ‘other girl’ could be an LDR he sees on weekends (not enough info to tell) or weekend booty calls (which at this point are arguably fair game…) since he was with you at his place on valentine’s day. The two weekends also could have been long distance old friend meet ups or some planned events that he would not want to invite you to so early on. I admit the black out of communication is odd…but that could just be due to early dating phase personal quirks as it had only been 2 weeks…
But let me propose this question. Take this entire situation and subtract the sex from it…would you still be feeling this way or reacted how you did to his communication with you? Everyone is different on when sex fits into the mix and I know I tend to get attached / accelerate relationships too quickly when sex happens too soon in the getting to know you phase so I make a point to wait it out. I had to learn that the hard way….a few times before it stuck…haha. *Puts reading into the situation pants on* Now you may be taking the consecutive hook ups as a signal that things are moving forward with you both and he is viewing it as extremely casual / does not view that as any evidence things were moving forward hence the black out communication and seeming bewilderment when you were obviously upset over it via the passive aggressive text response. (mmm run on sentences too lazy to correct)
Just some food for thought for the next time.
CatsMeow April 3, 2013, 1:52 pm
Budj is back!! 😀
rosie posie April 3, 2013, 3:45 pm
I like Budj’s point to remove sex from the situation. It appears that things were moving quite quickly without it. First date Sunday, second date Tuesday, out of town (daily texts), third date when she returned to town (and on V-day to boot) then she points out that she didn’t hear from him the next day until she texted him & it was a Friday and he already have plans. It sounds like he devoted quite a bit of time to her over the previous week. Perhaps he needed a little space and since he already had plans with friends he didn’t think anything of taking some time for himself.
In all honestly if I were to put myself in the guy’s position (taking the sex out of the equation) and the person I was casually dating felt they needed more time or attention from me I would be fairly freaked out/annoyed. It would really strike me as very needy and clingy. Anytime I have dated a guy who needed to have such constant contact from me or wanting to keep tabs on my plans, before we were in a relationship, I saw a big red flag and ended things. I think all things considered, this guy handled the situation much better than the LW. I also agree with others who have said that they interpreted her blunt “out with friends” as a short passive aggressive comment. If I were the recipient of that text it would have been the nail in the coffin for that “relationship”.
ReadingIsFundamental April 3, 2013, 1:53 pm
The only way to find out what he thinks is to ask him. If you don’t think you can pull that off without being clingy, then try going out on a date with him and have a good time but don’t have sex. Tell him you enjoyed the evening and would like to see him again. Set the tone of the relationship you want. Maybe he just wants sex. Maybe he wants a relationship, but he thinks you just want sex. Based on your behaviour, how could he tell the difference?
If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you need set that tone. That will help other people understand your intentions, and help you filter out people who aren’t going to be compatible without spending too much time with them. Dating is a game of chance. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. It’s important to make sure to not stack the deck against yourself. Some tips:
Don’t sleep with people on the first date. Sex is one piece of a relationship but there’s a lot that’s more important. You should also consider that if the other person is interested in a relationship, that person will almost certainly agree that waiting for sex is OK. If that person isn’t willing to wait, then you’ve found out something important about the other person’s intentions.
Ditto for texting. If you want a relationship with someone, have a relationship with that person. The biggest single element in it is communication. Texting doesn’t have the richness or subtlety of expression that’s needed, especially when first building a relationship. Pick up the phone and call. Again, you have the power to set the tone of a prospective relationship, but you need to do it.
FWIW, I’ve been with my wife for 21 years. In that time we’ve found that the most important elements in our relationship are communication, honesty, and humor. Relationships are hard. It never becomes less important to work to improve the way you communicate with your partner, or keep trying harder to understand your partner.
llclarityll April 3, 2013, 3:10 pm
I’m sad I got to the party late and that this is buried at the bottom but…
PICK UP THE PHONE!!! Please, can we bring calling someone back into the picture? Texting is so not good for dating. It never was, and it never will be.
valrhona April 3, 2013, 5:55 pm
I’m not a guy, but I am a doctor and trying to have any kind of social life is a challenge. Online dating is pretty much the only way to meet someone you’re not working with, especially if you have to move cities.
When you’re at work there’s very little opportunity to answer texts or calls and it’s very easy to forget they were received, plus you don’t have time to think about people. I’m guilty of starting text message replies and never managing to send them because you’re called to some emergency or have 10 people waiting to be reviewed. You pretty much never get time to go pee or eat, never mind try to send a message that won’t be misinterpreted.
Phone calls are great, but I usually have to text someone to arrange a time that will work as I can never answer at work and usually don’t always finish when i should. I think the LW would be upset if she keeps calling and there’s no reply until maybe the next day.
I’d be pretty freaked out if I started to date a guy and he wanted to see me more than 2 or 3 times a week and I would think maybe there’s a good reason he has all this spare time and make excuses even if I was free. There are things people do other than try and hook up with other girls or go home to their wives like sport, hobbies, see family, study (it only gets worse when you graduate med school). I agree with other posts that it’s normal to not want to meet each other’s friends so soon, he probably doesn’t get to see them very much and having a random girl (and her friends) around that he’s been on a few dates with would make for weird dynamics on a night out!
fast eddie April 3, 2013, 7:13 pm
There are tons of possible explanations for his lack of attention and the only thing to do about it is to have a point blank conversation about it. Even that may not be conclusive. There may be something he wants physically or emotionally and rather then being critical in a non-constructive way is opting to let the relationship dissolve. If that’s the case you can have two options, pin him down as to why and risk rejection or MOA. That said it may also be that he needs some time to sort out his feelings for you.
You wrote in your opening statement that hooking up on the first was a mistake, I respectively disagree. The only mistake about it is thinking it meant something beyond the fact that you were both horny and enjoyed yourselves. That’s NOT a mistake be it on the 1st date or the 10th and the following dates were enjoyable also to so it wasn’t a case of simple curiosity or over stocked harmonies.
I hate to say but it might be the ethnic difference, assuming he’s not Asian. I hope such is not the case but he didn’t want you to meet his other friends. Red Flag rising on that, and I hope I’m way off base on that.
Time & Money
He’s 27 and recently out of Med school. Unless his family is wealthy and contributing he has a huge debt and I’m assuming your not rich or have a large income. Trying to put myself in his shoes (that I made for him) an extended relationship to juggle with work, studies, and family obligations, crushing debt and hyper expectations of himself and others may be just too much to handle. If that’s the case you may get the attention you want eventually if your willing to be his FWB for the time being.
bittergaymark April 6, 2013, 3:05 pm
Honestly? This LW is an idiot. She basically threw away a decent guy because she was being a petulant little brat. Oh, well. Her loss. NOT his. WTF is going on here lately? Secret wife? Secret girlfriend? Um, hello, he cooked her dinner in his place on Valentine’s Day? Where was said wife? All tied up in a closet somewhere along with all traces of her? And who introduces a new romance/fuck to all their friends after like a grand total of THREE dates?
My take? The guy was just getting to know her and was keeping his weekends for his friends and himself.
Anonymous July 29, 2017, 2:37 am
Maybe he’s testing you to see if you’re flexible or not
patricia November 24, 2017, 1:31 pm
Please read the book The Rules! It can save you many heartaches
Sunsets June 14, 2020, 1:49 am
It’s kinda odd he’s not available on weekends. From my experience, guys always asked for a Friday or Saturday night date whether he is totally single /multi dating or even the ones who lied that they are single. I even tried meeting them on weekdays when I’m really in the mood but usually insist meeting on weekends. He probably has other girls for weekends since he can have you on weekdays. job wise, he is not running the world, right? I’m sure he can free up 1 weekend if he WANTS to.
Talk to him again, if he arrange to meet on weekdays, try suggesting “what about Friday night or Saturday night?” tell him you prefer to meet on weekends, if he can’t, asked him why? If he gives you a dodgy answer, go on social media find out yourself and see what he is up to (this is a good way to caught someone if he is in a relationship or just to get an idea if he’s juggling girls, some girls will leave hints).
I’m Asian too, we do have expectations that guys should do certain things or know about this/that coz Asians boys always gives us that attention, time, assurance, etc. They do set the bar high when it comes to dating. There’s a culture difference. Wanting to join friends is normal in Asian dating whatever stage in friendship /relationship they are. You have to meet halfway now, be understanding and accept whatever is acceptable for you.
Dating is never easy especially if it’s not mutual. Move on if you’re not getting what you want.
ELIXIR August 15, 2020, 7:18 pm
Is there any way we know what it turned out to be?? I’m dying of curiosity here ??
Doc August 20, 2020, 5:38 pm
Girl – you need to let him chase you. you basically handed yourself to him. stop reaching out first – let him come to you which means he wants you then you can dictate your terms. and don’t be passive aggressive, tell him what bothers you.
Sara F. September 17, 2021, 6:29 am
You guys hooked up three times and then you tried to shoehorn yourself into his “guy night“ plans by suggesting that you combine friend groups. That may have been two red flags in one for him: the fact that you didn’t seem to be willing to let him spend time alone with his friends uninterrupted and the fact that you tried to force the issue in terms of having him meet your friends and vice versa. (There may also have been a third issue in play: by suggesting that your friend groups combine at the end of a night out, it looks like you were trying to make sure that he didn’t go home with anyone else at a point when you folks hadn’t had any kind of conversation about exclusivity or commitment.)
I don’t introduce my casual hook ups to friends and family, and at that stage, that’s still what you were, notwithstanding the fact that he cooked you dinner for Valentine’s Day. Also, when a guy has plans with his friends, you need to let him have those. Don’t try to make yourself part of them. If he invites you, great, but if not, understand that he needs time alone and time with the people he knew before he met you.
You folks never communicated about schedules or expectations for the relationship, but you made a lot of assumptions about his time and your status, so maybe work on communicating with your partner.
Laura February 11, 2022, 6:16 pm
I’m going to keep it SIMPLE & REAL AF – don’t even have time to read all of the comments ! But to answer- he ONLY wants SEX ! One ,if you never had sex & two even if you Did ..& he also has a few (options)… majority do even people who are in a committed relationship still can or do ! That’s it! BUT COULD it turn into more? (Relationship) . YES – FACT is you NEVER KNOW!