@theladye sorry it wasn’t more exciting date but kudos for getting back out there. No need for a second date if you aren’t feeling it!

@ktfran how was this weekend with Q? (Tinder Teacher) Well, I’ll preface this by saying to all that I’m not really looking for advice, though I’m sure some of you will have kind-hearted and thoughtful things to say and suggest 🙂

The weekend started out kinda shitty because my mother, who is suffering from some sort of dementia/depression/over-medication whatever, decided to lay into me Friday night before a Thanksgiving get together Saturday. So I was sort of a wound up mess going into Saturday but she ended up being pretty nice at the thanksgiving meal. (it’s honestly day to day with her and it’s exhausting) So I was relieved when I left my hometown and headed for Q/TT but still sort of on edge.
When I got to his apartment he greeted me with a big hug and kiss. We went to dinner at a restaurant in the next town that used to be a bank. It was actually pretty cool and we ate at the bar which used to be the tellers counter. We sat and talked and drank beers and watched a little football. Then we ran to the grocery store and got some ice cream because dating in your 30s definitely has its perks. Then we went back to his apartment and got comfy and watched Sherlock on Netflix (I’d never seen it, it’s pretty good!) But after one episode I was like, I wanna make out. So he was pretty game for that and we had a little make out session that led to the bedroom and then afterward did some cuddling and watched a movie till we fell asleep.
Sunday morning he woke up and made me coffee and a croissant and we watched some more Sherlock and snuggled on the couch. It was getting close to the time I needed to go and I wanted to have sex at least one more time so I sort of hinted at it and he took me to the bedroom and it started off pretty hot and steamy and he took care of me, but when it came time to do the ol traditional sex……he was soft. And I tried everything I could but it just wasn’t working.
So that coupled with all the wound up emotions of the weekend sort of led to me having a mini breakdown. I was laying on his chest and he was apologetic and I just started crying. It was a blow to my ego (even though I know that it could be for a multitude of reasons and may have nothing to do with me at all – it still stings when the guy who you’ve had great sex with in the past can’t get it up for you.)

And I was just super honest and told him it kinda felt like he wasn’t as into me as he used to be and he told me that was all in my head and he was totally into me. I was super embarrassed by everything so I got dressed and gathered my things and he walked me out to my car and just stood there and hugged me for probably about five minutes and I just felt like an asshole. I didn’t want him to feel bad but I’m sure I didn’t help the situation.

Once I got back to my town we talked a little via text and I apologized for my breakdown and he was so sweet and understanding and we talked about his parent that he has a very distant and strained relationship with and how much he understands that I’m just sort of a mess right now. And I told him that was part of it – and part of it was I just wasn’t sure where we stood? I think I actually said “So are you the guy in Illinois I’m dating or are you just a friend I visit and have sex with?” And he sort of chuckled and said “We are dating. I’ve considered us dating and I like you. And you have to stop apologizing.”

So yesterday I took a mental health day because I just didn’t feel good about myself or life in general and I just laid around and relaxed and drank too much coffee and went out and bought myself one of those adult coloring books and I just chilled. And I told myself not to reach out to him until he reached out to me. And he did last night, and it feels like things are back to normal. But I have a therapy appointment on Wednesday and I need to do some work on my self esteem and confidence.

So: TLDR version – I had a good time with TT, we had good sex once, he couldn’t stay hard the second time, I cried and looked like a fool, we talked it over and we’re fine now.

Sorry for the novel.

ktfran – it does. I guess I just don’t have the highest self confidence to start with. I grew up fat (not chubby, fat) and I worked really hard after college to lose weight and be healthy etc. and lost something like 50 pounds and started putting more effort into my appearance. And people are so nice and tell me I’m pretty (which really isn’t the pinnacle of being a human but darn it if it isn’t a nice thing to be called). And I never got much male attention and didn’t really start dating till my mid twenties……so I’m a mess. And so some days I feel like a real badass hot ticket with the world at my feet, and other days I feel like that fat teenager that never got asked out. So it’s really more my problem than his in terms of me feeling like shit. That’s what therapy is for I suppose.