DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Sorry it was not the best of weekends, Veritek. I think when you consistently go such a long time without seeing someone you’re dating, you can build up what you want these weekends to be in your head, sometimes resulting in a not so great experience. You didn’t ask for advice, I know, but I feel compelled to discuss this a bit.
I know you have a lot of other stuff going on with the new house, your parents (mother in particular), etc. However, I think this long distance thing might be a little more stress than you can handle right now. I know you like this guy, but at some point you have to say, is this really worth it? You’ve been dating since August (first time you saw each other), which is almost 4 months, and you’ve seen each other about once a month in that time? I think you are well within your rights to say, look, I enjoy our time together but the stress of the long distance without knowing whether or not there is a future in this is too much. I mean Jesus. I got stressed out reading your update. I don’t know, Ver…just not sure what the upside is here.
@Veritek that really sucks, I’m sorry that happened 🙁 Even when it’s not your fault at all, I completely understand how it can feel like a guy isn’t turned on by you, and it can be such an ego blow. It feels pretty shitty. But it was really nice of the guy to be affectionate with you and try to reassure you after. He sounds like a nice guy so far!
@TheLadyE I’m glad you’re getting back out there!! Sucks that your date was boring, but it’s totally a numbers game isn’t it? That’s how I felt on my date with The Professor a few weeks ago. There was nothing wrong with him… I just wasn’t feelin it. Keep your mind and your options open, but also be cautious and be aware to avoid repeating unproductive patterns.In other news… I somebody on Saturday that I like a lot so far 🙂 It’s only been two dates (Saturday when we met, and we had a daytime date yesterday), but we have a third date planned on Thursday. I’m excited, and allowing myself to feel all the feelings. As my life coach says, “Why bother trying to stop them? You can’t! However, whether or not you act prematurely is more within your power to grasp.” So, I’m just doing my best not to act prematurely (which in my case probably means not blowing up his phone with texts) and keep a level head about it.
I gotta say, I don’t completely get what’s going on here.
On the one hand, he does seem to enjoy talking to and hanging out with you and seems like a nice, caring guy from what you’ve said. And of course he’s not to “blame” for any sex snafu’s.
On the other hand, he’s said he doesn’t know if he’s into marriage and that he doesn’t know what he wants *with you* when asked. He’s not making a move to, or talking about yet, seeing each other more often than once a month (like, I’d like to hear him say, “hey, my schedule is really busy right now because of band, but I want to start seeing each other more often after Thanksgiving.”); and you’re having these unpleasant gut feelings that he’s not as into you as he was. Which is not how you should be feeling after 5 dates. Also, yeah, like KTFran says, it’s not uncommon for the sex to be a little off the first time or two and then get better, but it’s not a good sign if it starts off super hot and heavy and then goes “off” pretty quickly and turns into watching TV and cuddling.
He said the other day that he considers you to be dating, but so far that consists of monthly get-togethers, with the sex seeming to be tapering off. You mentioned previously that you had a deadline in your head; does that still stand? Because the way things are right now isn’t going to be enough for you long-term… you’re not looking for monthly cuddling and companionship. So if this doesn’t gain momentum and start progressing, you’ll need to move on even if he IS a nice guy who hasn’t done anything wrong.
Ver, I definitely don’t think his having trouble getting hard is a direct reflection on how he views you.
So, LadyE, I was thinking about this “meh” date you went on. Maybe you should give the guy a second chance. I’m usually one to say if it’s not there, why bother? HOWEVER, your track record with guys you DO LIKE in recent months has been pretty poor. So, perhaps try to date a few guys outside of the normal one’s you’re attracted to? I’m really not trying to be mean. I just think it might be beneficial in your case.
MissDre – your last sentence. YES! Keep a level head and take things one date at a time.
I’ll agree with the others that if he doesn’t know what he wants and hasn’t taken any steps to clarify or solidify your relationship by the deadline you have in your head… well you really should stick to that deadline. Just make sure you’re being true to what you ultimately want.
@veritek: I would discount the getting hard issue altogether. Seriously, it does not mean anything at all! Actually I think it’s fairly common for guys to have more trouble with this when things are still very new and exciting. I’ve experienced this several times (a guy having trouble getting and staying hard the first few times we had sex, but then the issue went away completely and never returned). Also, I think he reacted really well to your mini breakdown, and he gave you reassurance where you stand with him, so that’s all good.
What’s more of a concern is definitely the long-distance aspect. I agree it’s time to find a way to see each other more often or to stop dating. If you just can’t work out a way to visit each other more often, then that’s sad, but you’ll need to move on. Think about what you’re willing to do and ask him what kind of changes he could make to his schedule to allow for more frequent visits. Honestly, I think it should be once a week or at least every 10 days for this relationship to have a chance.
Right, Sas, unless this starts to progress, then it becomes a case of two people who like each other but can’t make a relationship work.
HOWEVER, your track record with guys you DO LIKE in recent months has been pretty poor. So, perhaps try to date a few guys outside of the normal one’s you’re attracted to? I’m really not trying to be mean. I just think it might be beneficial in your case.
@ktfran: I’ll admit I had the same thought, even though I’m usually all “if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it, no point in going on a 2nd date”. But sometimes less emotional intensity upon first meeting somebody might actually be better?
@ktfran & @Lianne…I totally get what you’re saying, but right now I’m inclined to not go on a 2nd date not only because it was boring but because he’s not really what I’m looking for. Some of the things he told me about himself make me think we wouldn’t be compatible and I shouldn’t waste my time.
I dunno, I *might* give him one more date and see if it’s any better, but I see several fundamental incompatibilities in our personalities/values which are big red flags for me. I’m trying to pick those out a little earlier too, obviously. Between those and him being pretty boring…meh.
Something that’s getting me pretty far right now is when I message a guy on OKC or some other site, to ask him to get a drink on the first message. It’s apparently, to use a sales term, a call to action and it seems to be working well. I got another message from a guy last night saying we should get a drink next week (I messaged him over the weekend).
My goal right now is just to go out with several guys and see what clicks and where I can get traction rather than zero in on one guy anytime soon. I’ve also reached out to several friends who share my faith who have invited me to their churches and offered to introduce me to their friends…I’m trying to do a little vetting rather than being surprised after a month when the guy stops taking his meds and wigs out. Heh.
@veritek I don’t have anything else to say than what’s been said already, but I’ll be thinking of you in some of the processing/thinking you have to do. I know that would be hard and I admire you for taking steps to take care of yourself. As we’ve seen I definitely need to be better at that.
@MissDre Yay for you! Keep us updated as to how things go. So exciting that you’ve met someone you really like. 🙂
