DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Ver – I’m sorry it didn’t work out. That sucks! And I agree with others. Don’t be hard on yourself. It was nothing you did and it wasn’t you. I mean that.
So sorry Ver, but at least it didn’t drag on any longer before you knowing what he’s really about.
@hfantods, definitely ask the bride about the guy! 3 years ago I hooked up with a groomsman at my friend’s wedding. Afterwards I asked her about him and she verified that he was a cool nice guy. I was making a trip to Boston (where he lived) a month or so later so I texted him, and we hung out, had an amazing evening together, hooked up again, etc. I had dreams of a long distance relationship (I live about 4 hours away), of course it didn’t happen, but I have fond memories 🙂 So go for it!hfan – i agree with K. Chat with the bride. Tell her you might be interested in this wedding dude. Ask her to set up a group outing or something. Easy!
So… dating question because I haven’t had to deal with this in a long time. Like not since I was dating the ex-fiance.
When do you bring up the future talk? Like, if you’re interested in kids? Or want marriage (again for him) or long-term partner? Does it just happen organically? And when is too soon to discuss?
For instance, I’m sort of ambivalent about having kids. I know I’d make a great mom. But I don’t want to do it alone and I’d have to be with the right person who wanted one a lot. And I think I’d only want one. But at the same time, if it doesn’t happen for me, I’ll be ok. And marriage. I use to say all I want is a long-term partner. But I actually think I want to get married. I don’t really want the big party thing… just a marriage, eventually. I’m in no rush, but I do want it.
Since Friday, two of my friends miscarried so I’ve been thinking about this. I really, really like the guy (could easily say love)… but before I get too much further into things, I should probably know where he stands on important life decisions, right? Or like I said, do I let it happen organically?
What say you, DWers?
I think it’s fair to ask him where he stands on kids at this point, because it’s an important topic. I’m ambivalent too, probably leaning more towards no, but I haven’t totally ruled it out. My guy says he’s ambivalent but I think he would rather have them. Even if your guy is ambivalent or unsure of how he feels, it’s an important thing to discuss. As far as future, I think that sort of came up organically for us. But if he’s divorced, I think it’s fine to ask if he sees himself getting married again. An ex of mine was divorced and I remember asking if he saw himself getting married again, and he said definitely.
Yep @K’s right, these things kind of happen – the Cockney and I discussed that we both didn’t want kids pretty early on, but the marriage thing came a bit later.
I think you could always ask him about how he sees his future, without putting any pressure on it, just to see if it marries up with your own visions?
I think the kid thing is definitely something to know now. I would bring it up – I think you two are intimate enough that this shouldn’t be a big deal to have the discussion. A little different, because I knew I wanted kids, but I spoke with my husband about it about 3 or 4 months in – I knew it was going somewhere and wanted to make sure he wanted them, too, before we got too invested. Marriage, I felt more like you. I wasn’t sure I wanted that but the closer A and I got and the more serious, I wanted to marry HIM. I wonder if that’s why your feelings are changing?
Yeah I mean I think its good to discuss the kid thing maybe but the future thing comes up more organically. For us, we both briefly and really organically brought up the kid thing earlier on and then it wasn’t until recently that we had a more formal conversation about it (about 2 years in) which may seem like a long time for some people, but I still consider myself pretty young (27) and have a similar stance on kids, like if it happens it happens but it isn’t something I am going to plan my life for/around, and marriage I am totally up in the air about, so its not like that important to me to iron out these things. We knew where we stood before, it had come up at like 6 months and we had a talk where we were like yeah that is how I feel too but recently we just had some real heart to hearts with honest discussion and it was a really organic thing. I think if you are a bit older or kids are something you 100% want it is better to get that out up front.
You can discuss this stuff right from the beginning, as long as you don’t apply it specifically to your relationship (i.e. don’t ask him about having kids with you, but if he wants kids generally, same with marriage). I don’t think there’s a “too early” really, especially with deal breaker stuff.
The kids thing, I’m more just curious about where he stands, as I’m turning 36 in Jan. And I’m honestly ok if I do, ok if I don’t. As for marriage, I do agree that happens more organically… I guess I’m curious if he’d be interested again, eventually, since he was married before. I’m in absolutely no rush, I just think I want it some day. And you’re right, Lianne, the closer I get him, the more I eventually want it, to him.
So… basically… if there is ever an opening, it’s ok to bring it up instead of doing the usual ktfran thing and not talking about it.
Thanks, guys!
Its not a big deal, it’d be dumb not to ask at this point. People who’ve been married before usually aren’t opposed to the idea. Sure it’s possible, but generally speaking, most people will do it again. May have different ideas about it than you do, though, having been through it.
