DW Community Catch-up Thread
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You all are right. I’ve been softening my stance on here for veritek’s sake but, just no with the more than a few dates and no kiss. The guy is either hopeless or doesn’t like you that way. The only time I went on 4 dates with no kiss, the guy wasn’t into me. Otherwise I’ve always made out on date one or two. I didn’t realize this was even a thing, with guys acting like they’re going on dates with you but not trying to get to sex. It makes no sense.
And in all honesty I never would ask someone that question. There’d be no need.
I once went out on four dates with a guy who never kissed me and I remember thinking that was so weird and what did he want and was the something wrong with him or wrong with me. I think I was just so ready to find someone and had talked him up in my head and made excuses for the lack of chemistry that I probably would have given him a fifth date (and maybe more!) to make a move, but he ended up ghosting me after the fourth and that was that.
When a guy’s really into you and not just trying to figure out if he’s into you and not trying to talk himself into being into a woman who’s good on paper, you won’t need four or five or six (or seven or eight or nine!!!) dates before you know. He will remove all doubt earlier than that. And if he doesn’t, well, he’s probably not someone who’d be good at a relationship anyway.
Dating: it really, really sucks. Until it totally doesn’t.
Thank you Wendy and everyone else for your advice. I have definitely been on the end of He’s Just Not That Into Me before and I’m not interested in wasting time there again, for sure.
The weird thing is with Hippie Artist Guy is that he is truly always the one who reaches back out to make further plans. I give him a lot of space and do not text him much – and, in fact, I’ve never initiated plans. What will happen is we will go out, have a nice time, I (sometimes) send him a text right afterwards, like, that night, saying I had a good time with him, and do not suggest anything else. Often it takes a couple of days but he has always reached back out and asked to see me again.
Anyway, I am harboring no delusion that this is headed anywhere quickly – or, perhaps, ever. I’m not sure what he is looking for at this point in his life and I’m not sure he knows either. I do know he likes spending time with me and he acts like he likes being close to me physically but that’s all.
And to be honest, right now? That’s fine. I’m busy, I work full time and have an active social life. I totally get that this may (probably will) never be anything but casual dating and that’s okay.
Last week he flaked on me three times. THREE. By the time it got to Friday and he flaked the third time, I was ticked and let him know it. I honestly never expected to hear from him again because I figured he was pulling away, but then over the weekend he texted again saying he wanted to get together.
Anyway, allll that to say I like spending time with him and he’s fun and really cute but I’ve been so burned by guys in the past that I really don’t hold out any hope for him to turn into my boyfriend. I’m still doing things that could lead me to meet other guys.
And I will certainly continue to let him take the lead in initiating if we get together!
(But I do wish he would kiss me cause he is really cute & I kinda like him. Dang.)
Flaked on you three times? No.
I’m glad you’re open to meeting other men, but I think if you’re in your 30s and want to get married and have kids (again, if), you have to ditch guys like this. I get enjoying his company, but you know it’s going nowhere, so cut him loose. That he keeps asking you to get together doesn’t really matter if he makes you do all the planning, flakes on you, and accepts your head runs and hospitality but doesn’t want to get romantic. He’s a time waster.
Thanks, guys. I know you’re right – I’m just exhausted with trying to find The One. Wendy’s so right: dating really really sucks until…it doesn’t. But I don’t know what that last part is like.
Right, exhaustion, fear, and loneliness cause us to hang on to situations like that and try to believe they’re ok. Not everyone finds that “until it’s not” guy in their 20s. Sometimes it takes longer. But it’s so not like this guy.
I appreciate everyone’s advice. I think I’m going to go with Wendy’s initial advice and give him one more week to reach out for a date. That he plans. If that doesn’t happen then I’ll forget I have his number. In the meantime I am still on dating sites of someone asked me out and they’re interesting I will go. But I will not be texting or reaching out to him first anymore
I also just want to throw out there that it’s totally normal and ok to feel lonely sometimes, and to have days when your life feels blah or overwhelming or whatever. But if, overall, you feel like your life isn’t good, or like it’s not going to be complete until you have a relationship, or you’re just exhausted and fed up with everything, that’s dangerous for a couple reasons: 1) It makes you hang on to things that aren’t working, 2) It can attract guys who want a wounded bird, or will treat you like crap, or are messed up themselves.
To attract a good healthy guy, you have to be good and healthy yourself. If you have problems like a mental health condition that’s not adequately managed, or you’re abusing drugs or alcohol, etc. etc. etc., which I’m not saying is the case with anyone on this thread, but just for example – you do have to fix those issues before you’re going to attract the right relationship.
If you don’t have any problems like that, and you’re feeling pretty good about your life and content with your own company most days, then it’s probably just a matter of time until that right guy comes along, and you can relax and feel peaceful in the meantime (or try to).
I’m not just preaching, I’ve been through all this myself. I had to stop doing some destructive behaviors and get control of some mental health stuff and figure out how to really like my life.
Yes… it’s true, when you’re truly happy in yourself that’s when you attract people who are good for you.
Again, what Kate said. I’m not sure why I’m occasionally paying a therapist when I have all of you.
