DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Bullet dodged – plus returning a gift and getting yourself something can be really satisfying. Plus now you can have a vacation without worrying about him.
@jlyfish I was also amazed by the Target carrying liquor. Then I remembered other states have different liquor laws. At least the liquor stores in my state have drive thrus.
I’m really enjoying hearing everyone’s stories! I don’t have anything too exciting…mostly just awkward. I stayed the night with my coworker, and he got a migraine right after we had sex. I told him I’m sorry my vagina is so powerful, but I don’t think he found it as hilarious as I did. Meh. Then Sunday it just wasn’t great. We’ve been hooking up on and off for two years, but lately when we do it’s just over really quickly. He said it’s because he hasn’t been sleeping with anyone else, but I didn’t think “sleep with more people” would be the appropriate response. Womp womp.
@Veritek, that guy sounds bonkers, and to be honest, I thought he seemed a little bonkers on date one when he whipped out his phone and named a star after you or whatever. I mean, sure, that’s a cute gesture on, like, date four or five maybe, but on date one (and not even after the date, but during it? And not even during one of those marathon 12-hour dates like in that movie Before Sunrise where you feel like you’ve known each other forever, and even then, I think it would be sweeter if he bought it afterward and told you about it later as a surprise)? Kinda weird. I would have considered that a red flag. As would I consider the multiple date cancellations over the course of, what, three weeks? I think you had two dates? Really, at that point, not only is it ridiculous to expect anyone to be declaring relationship status on Facebook and turning off his or her dating profile, it seems a little premature to be buying each other gifts or making plans to spend holidays together, all of which I think you did (correct me if I’m wrong)? I hope it doesn’t sound like i’m picking on you here. I just know that you’d very much like to be in a relationship and seem frustrated by the dating patterns you find yourself in/ the kind of guys you seem to meet, so I want to point out how you might be ignoring early red flags and perhaps waving a couple yourself. In this case, you didn’t scare off anyone you might have potential with, but in the future, with a different guy — someone you very well could have potential with — coming on too strong (making plans to spend holidays together — with the exception of NYE — and birthdays together, buying gifts, etc., before, say, a third or fourth date) could scare him off. Don’t be afraid to go slow. Someone you’re meant to be with will appreciate that and will stick around!
I was thinking exactly what Wendy said. I still can’t get past the star naming on a first date…even if he turned out to be a goofy, awkward guy, I think that should raise a warning when someone does something “charming” when barely knowing you. And I agree that buying him a birthday gift for a third date is also a bit of a red flag. If I were on the receiving end of that, I would think the person wants to be in a relationship so bad that they’re fast forwarding without wondering f they want to be in one with me specifically. I think taking someone out for an impromptu dessert or buying a round of drinks is more appropriate for recognizing a birthday so early on. Just something to think about 🙂
But oy, his drunk texts sound crazy and I’m glad you dodged that bullet quickly!
Holy crap, @Veritek. Bullet freaking dodged.
Also, I too am going to Mexico (Puerto Vallarta), I leave on Friday. Cue mad rush to Target today when I realized I didn’t have any proper fitting shorts.
Hmm Veritek, now I think the guy was acting unavailable to see if you are going to chase him. He probably thinks he is a great catch and girls should be slobbering for his attention.
@saneinca that’s a really good point.
I agree with the others about gifts. I am a big gift giver, so I have to remind msyelf to tone it down with people I don’t know very well.
I thought the star thing was a bit over eager, but I wouldn’t have taken it as a red flag. But clearly others noticed. For those of you that saw the star as a red flag, what’s your stance on flowers? I feel like they’re insincere whenever I receive them from guys. Plus realistically, a flower arrangement plus delivery is way more than a bottle of Jack. I don’t think I’ve ever received flowers from a guy that was remotely an emotionally stable, mature adult. Which is a shame because flowers are lovely.
I wanted to weigh in on when to DTR (Define the Relationship). With the last two guys I’ve dated I waited really long to have that talk, almost in self defense, because I didn’t want to be the cliche girl that wanted to go exclusive right away. I kept talking to other guys, going on other dates, even though I wanted to be exclusive with the one guy. And finally, when we do define the relationship and become boyfriend/girlfriend, I get feedback that they had wanted to date me exclusively for a while and were confused by my actions.
I actually really love getting flowers, from anybody, really! I once got flowers as a b-day gift from a guy I had been dating for maybe a month, plus he paid for my dinner at a group dinner. I also got flowers sent to my office from a boyfriend, after we’d been dating for a year. I don’t think it’s too odd to buy a new date alcohol as a gift, but only if the idea is to share it! It’s not as odd as, say, getting him a sweater. 😛
And I also thought it was a bit much to go buy her a star on the first date- that would have made me think, “whoa, hold your horses there.” But perhaps in context it didn’t wave any big red flags? I dunno. Just my 2 cents. 🙂I think if a guy you haven’t slept with yet makes a grand gesture like a flower delivery, or even a profesh arrangement on a date, he’s desperate and trying to get laid. Normal, well-adjusted males don’t do that. Now if you’ve been on some dates and it’s springtime and you’re like omg look at those gorgeous peonies and next time he sees you he’s got a few peonies, that might be fine.
Not that a guy shouldn’t be trying to get laid, but a gift on the first date is a sign that either he’s desperate and feels like he needs a grand gesture, OR he just wants the sex and is trying to cut to the chase and make it happen that night.
Laura, they were confused by your actions because guys DO what they WANT to do. If they’re dating other women and not trying to be exclusive with you, it’s because they want to date other women and not be exclusive with you. So when they see you dating other men, they assume you don’t want to be exclusive. Which… Why did they even know you were dating other men? You don’t talk about it. I hope you didn’t.
If you want to be exclusive with a guy, dont let him know you’re dating other men. Maybe at that point you know you want to be exclusive, ask him if he feels the same. Then if he does, stop dating the other men. But do not use “I have other dates” as a way to get him to want to have the talk. Keep your dating discreet.
