DW Community Catch-up Thread
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This is an interesting conversation. I’ve never had a problem with dating divorced guys. I always joked that I’d gladly be the second wife… have the starter marriage, learn from mistakes, find life long partner. The guy I’m with now is divorced. And I was engaged once. Anyway. I guess add me to the camp who doesn’t care one way or the other. “First” is overrated. But that’s just my opinion.
However, I do think it’s a lie to check single when you have been divorced. I wouldn’t not consider someone because of it. But I think it would be shady to go on a few dates and then he said “I was divorced.” I would want to know if someone once loved another enough to go through with the whole marriage bit.
Yeah I think there is a big difference in dating a guy who was previously married (NBD) and one who has kids with someone else (BD). Not only will the kids come first, as they should, he will be forever tied to the mother of his kids.
“A lot of people, like Dre, are sure that they will get married once and once only, and it will be forever. They love that vision.”
Yep, what Kate said. Doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind or see life differently as I get older. But for now, this is how I feel what I hope for.
As for guys with children, I’m not ready for kids right now. Nor do I want to come second to somebody else’s kids right now (and the kids should always come first!) nor do I want to be forever tied to somebody’s ex.
As I get older, the pool of available men will change, and I may have to adjust my attitude. But for now, it’s pretty rare for guys in my age range to have been married or have kids, so it’s not an issue that comes up.
You are right, Kate, I shouldn’t have said “hate kids.”
I honestly was just curious what the reasons were. I had never dated a man with children before I married, but I wonder if I would have or not. If it was the right guy, I can’t say I wouldn’t have. And I can understand the various reasons you’ve all mentioned.
My last long term relationship before my husband was with a divorcé. They only reason it ever affected us, was he had major trust issues as she had had an affair, his subsequent girlfriend had also cheated…anyway. Good topic.I’m a lurker on this site and just wanted to add my 2 cents to this conversation as a 29 year old divorcee. I belong to an amazing Facebook group for girls in their 20’s who are divorced (as it can often feel like you’re the only one). I can say that 99% of people go into their marriage assuming that this is a forever thing. Most of us didn’t go into it thinking “eh, if it doesn’t last.. it’as all good”. It’s great to have the hope and plans that you will find a forever person, unfortunately life likes to throw you curveballs and staying in a terrible marriage isn’t always a great option. Most people work their asses off to try and save the marriage. I would never blacklist someone because their ex cheated on them and they chose to leave the marriage because they vowed “for better for worse”…
Here in Canada you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce. I started dating while separated ( I was well over my ex and just needed to get “out there”) and I stated “Separated” on my dating profile. I felt like saying “single” was wrong seen as I was still technically married even if it didn’t seem that way. No guys seemed to care anyway.
Once I was officially divorced, I changed my status to “single”. I am divorced and I AM single. I am in no way tied to my ex anymore, we haven’t spoken a word in over a year. 99% of the time I tell guys that I was married before or during the first date. I’ve never had anyone react poorly to it. That being said, I choose not to put “divorced” as my status as I don’t think it defines me and honestly, if someone didn’t want to meet or continue dating me because I have been married before, then there’s a good chance our personalities would clash anyway.
I’m not saying anyone is wrong here.. but I would say if the guy is divorced, maybe hear him out and give him a chance. I can tell you for a fact that i have grown a ton because of my experience and I think it’s made me a better person. It makes people realize what they truly want out of partner and life. Life experience can be a great thing.
sorry for the long post 🙂
This is the part I don’t understand (and I was divorced at 28 too so not judging):
“…if someone didn’t want to meet or continue dating me because I have been married before, then there’s a good chance our personalities would clash anyway.”
Then why not put “divorced?” I get it doesn’t define you. I get you’re single as in available. I get you tell them on the first date you’re divorced. But if you’re trying to weed out people who wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married before, then wouldn’t choosing “divorced” accomplish that? Whether guys seem to care or not, the “divorced” option is there for a reason.
I agree with Kate, if I’d seen that a guy said “single” when “divorced” was an option, and then a few dates in he mentioned he’d been married, I’d immediately start wondering what else he lied about. I’m a believer in being truthful on my profile (I know we had this discussion before, and others think some truth-bending in certain areas is ok). I just don’t know how I can believe anything in the profile if I find out part of it was an outright lie.
I think this way it gives people a chance to explain themselves instead of people jumping to their own conclusions. For example, I remember when I was in my early 20’s I was dead seat against dating someone with kids and a guy messaged me who’s profile said “Prefer not to say” under the part where it asks if you have kids. I thought that was kind of odd, but I messaged him back and I asked him about it.. long story short, he has a girl who’s mom took off to the other end of the country and refused to let him see her (could be a lie, who knows). Anyway, he ended up being a super nice guy and we went out a few times.
I Personally, along with many others I’ve spoken with, feel like people assume the worst when they see that you’re young and divorced. I don’t like making a big deal out of my divorce. 99% of the time past relationships come up right away and I just say “I’ve been single for 2 years, my ex and I were married and long story short he was an alcoholic and I had to leave.” Some people ask more questions, some don’t.. I’m fine with going into more detail if they ask as it’s just part of my story. I’d just rather be able to explain myself without automatically being judged because of that label. If the guy happened to have an issue with it then we’d part ways. Maybe I’d feel differently if we had kids and still had to deal with each other, but I literally never talk to him.. he’s not a part of my life in any way.
I’m meeting a guy tonight who’s separated (not at the 1 year mark yet) and his profile said single. But we opened up to each other about our situations and we’re meeting for the first time tonight after talking for a couple days.
What @MissDre said about: “The idea of being somebody’s second wife is uncomfortable for me. I imagine my wedding day, exchanging vows with my life partner in front of witnesses, I just don’t like the idea that I’m the second person he has exchanged vows with.” I understand this feeling – I used to feel this way too, but have mostly gotten over it. My boyfriend was engaged and they were together for 8.5 years, so longer than many marriages. I don’t like that he had someone else he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but I have to just not think about it. It didn’t work out between them, they ended up not being a good match, and he ended up being free to find someone else he meshed better with. Divorced isn’t a dealbreaker for me but kids would be, as I’m still on the fence about them, and also what everyone else said about being forever tied to his ex.
@Miss_Bail, I guess the thing is that if they lie, then while I wouldn’t have judged them for being divorced, I will definitely judge them for being a liar. 🙂
Anyway, you never know how people are going to react to it, so I guess the best thing is to put what you want and be ready to explain it. Personally it would be a red flag for me though.
Yeah, some people will judge you. But those are the people you don’t want to date so… I don’t get it.
Can I change the subject quickly? I don’t want to start a new thread and I like posting on this one. Anyway.
Black lace dress. Hits a little above the knee. V in the front and back. Sleeveless. Can I wear a suede, block heel pump with it? I’m thinking burgundy. Or even a blue/navy? I have an event Sat. Last minute. The heels I’d normally wear are strappy sandals. I want something for fall and comfortable for standing probably 5 hours.
Thanks in advance.
And I’m still with RR and Kate on not understanding why you’d lie in a profile about being divorced, if that’s an option to select.
