DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Just a quick update: things changed rapidly on Friday. New guy went back and forth all day about going out on Saturday for our planned date. He’s so worried about getting attached to me and then moving to another state. So he said we should put everything on hold because everything was moving and changing so quickly.
I was very disappointed, and since he kept changing his mind about Saturday I finally just made other plans and said I can’t just sit around waiting for him to make up his mind (He apologized and said he felt awful). We agreed to check in this week after his interviews. I really like him so I’m disappointed and have a feeling this is pretty much over after two dates, but I guess we’ll see what happens after his interviews. The whole reaction on his part sort of seems like an overreaction.
@veritek – Wow! That sucks. Yes, huge overreaction on his part in my opinion. It seems to me like you two liked one another immediately, but that isn’t “moving fast” to me — it’s what I think most of us who are out there and looking hope to find! I’d be annoyed about the vacillating back and forth about your Saturday date, but he may be overwhelmed. When I had a job interview across state lines a couple years ago, everything felt like it was happening all at once and I was excited but freaking out. If I’d thrown in a potential new romance to the mix back then, I think it would’ve been too much for me.
That said, if things continue, I do think it’s worthwhile to ask if he sees himself living in your general area (vs. the other side of the country or another state) long-term to see if your long-term goals align. I don’t want to leave my city any time soon, if ever, so if I were dating someone who was actively interviewing in other states, I’d want to know where they saw themselves to see how well our goals aligned.
@Copa I was very annoyed and disappointed. I do think he is very overwhelmed. He said he’d been searching for jobs for months with nothing and then two calls for interviews in one day. He’s freaking out and I know it’s not because of me so at least it’s not something I said or did.
Long term – I know that he isn’t tied to one location in particular – he just wants a better job. And he’s looked in this state and several surrounding states. And I told him I’m increasingly becoming more disillusioned with my profession/home state and since my parents are doing so much better health wise, I’d be more open to moving some day. Obviously discussions that are EXTREMELY premature but he brought it up since we’d be long distance anyway. I just wanted him to know that even though I own my home it doesn’t mean I want to live here forever.
I don’t think it’s premature! Maybe a year ago I met a guy from Minnesota through a mutual friend and we went out a few times. He knew our city was temporary for him. He isn’t a fan of urban life and the small town he was from was where he wanted to settle down permanently. It came up casually, but it was a good thing. I’m open to moving, eventually/to an area I find appealing, but I love urban living and wouldn’t want to move to the kind of town he’s from. So we both called it and moved on. He ended up moving home to MN around Thanksgiving.
@Copa thanks for making me feel a little bit better. I was kind of beating myself up for being a little sad about all of this considering it’s only been two dates, but they were really awesome dates and one lasted 9 hours and the other one last 8 because neither of us wanted to leave, and damn, I just really enjoy him and want to keep seeing him. I guess we’ll just see what happens.
It’s okay! I once went on an amazing, all-day first date. And the guy canceled our second date because he’d met two women at once and wanted to see where things went with the other girl. And you know what? When I saw that message, I actually got teary/cried a little. In public. On a bus*. So, at least you’re not crying on a bus after ONE date. (omg why.) My therapist once told me that love is always hopeful. I think like is always hopeful, too, and genuine connections are rare for a lot of us, so I get it — letting go of hope is disappointing.
*He ended up reaching out a month or so later asking if I was still interested, and I was, so we dated for a couple months before he rejected me again. He tried ghosting me, I called him out for trying to ghost me instead of being direct, he apologized, and I was so annoyed I definitely did NOT cry on the bus that time.
Veritek – that situation/his reaction to it so far sucks, sorry : (. I will say that I’ve moved frequently over the last decade and been on both sides of that kind of situation, and have usually just ended it. I did have one relationship that started as just a casual thing because we knew he was going to move away, feelings developed and persisted even after he’d left, and we ended up having a mostly LDR (he did spend a few months/year with me in between contracts) for several years. I think it’s reasonable to keep low expectations but you never know.
Copa – ugh, I’d be annoyed too! I find ghosting acceptable after maybe 1-3 dates, though I’d still rather have somebody straight up reject me. Ghosting somebody you’ve been seeing for months is a dick move
My update – gave it another shot with House and whatever was missing last time came roaring back. Honestly, what I felt as lack of chemistry/enthusiasm on the one date may have just been exhaustion on his part, as it was after he’d spent a 12+ hour day at work. Finding time to get together between our two work schedules (mine changes every week and typically includes weekends, his is currently crazy due to a project deadline) is difficult, but he’s consistently communicated that he wants to see me again, so all’s proceeding well so far
@nickel_5 I’m sure I’ve said this a million times on this site, but I think ghosting is so tacky even after one date. Texting is so non-confrontational that I don’t understand why some people can’t be bothered to send a quick, polite “no thank you” text when the other person is still expressing interest. I’ve never ghosted anyone, not even after one date. Anyway, glad you gave House another shot and that things are still feeling exciting.
I have a third date with the guy I’ve been seeing — let’s call him Dimples — this weekend. We’re going to a ramen-making class, and I love that he actually plans things since so many men don’t. (One of my biggest dating pet peeves is men who have NO SUGGESTIONS for dates.) And he plans things he thinks I’ll like and is doing a great job at it.
Umm, Copa, where is this Ramen making class?!? Also, I totally agree with you about ghosting. I always, at a minimum, give a direct no thank you… not interested.
Ver – I’m sorry that he’s kind of freaking out right now. I think it’s awesome that you took control of the date situation and made other plans. Give him a little space to get his head on straight, but I think it’s ok to reach out and hang out again.
@Copa I might have teared up a little in the privacy of my own bedroom but I’m pretty sure I’ve cried over stupider things on buses/ trains myself! I am hopeful most of the time so it’s the loss of possibility that gets me the most. And ghosting after months is such a douchey thing to do. Good luck at ramen class!!
@nickel_5 thank you for your perspective. We both were okay with LDR but now it’s a matter of just how long the distance is!
@ktfran – yes, gave some space over the weekend and we checked in this morning. I told him I hoped his interview went well today and also that I hoped we could still hang out again. He thanked me and said that he would very much like that. So I told him if he’d like to, to let me know how the interview goes. I’m choosing positivity and happiness today rather than anxiety!(I also have a job interview later this week for a job I really want that would get me out of politics and I’m super nervous and studying the company as much as I can and building up my portfolio to prepare, so if you folks have good thoughts to send, I’d really appreciate it!)
@ktfran – pretty sure the class is at the Chopping Block based on location he gave (Merchandise Mart).
@veritek – good luck with your interview. My favorite pre-interview advice is from Ask A Manager: Think about that one truly weird co-worker you have or once had. Someone hired them, and you can get hired, too!
@copa lol thanks! It’s a management position so It would be a huge step up. And I’ve had weird managers so if they got hired……
Update on dude: his interview went well today and he texted me to tell me about it. And that he still wants to see me again but after the second interview later this week is sorted out. So, I’ll take it.
