DW Community Catch-up Thread
- This topic has 11,758 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago by
.
-
Posts
-
@Copa yes, it’ll be the most time we’ve spent together consecutively. My mom asked me the other day how long I plan to give this relationship before making any big decisions and I thought 18 months sounded appropriate. But, how can we better test our compatibility if we’re only together for a week at a time? I’m hoping we’ll see each other every second month. But even still… like you said it’s still “vacation” time.
Yeah, I have no clue how people do that when they’re in a LDR that makes frequent and regular visits unlikely. Over the course of 18 months, that’d be 9 visits if you have bi-monthly visits, which isn’t a lot. I’ve struggled maintaining connections with dudes who travel too much for work, so I’m clearly not a great resource and what do I know?
I do feel like we’re quite close because we talk, text and FaceTime all the time. But yeah… that’s certainly not the same as learning about someone in person.
Drew and I saw each other an average of maybe every three weeks — usually just for 2-3 nights each visit — over the course of 16 months or so. The longest stretch of time we ever spent together before I moved was one week. Sometimes you gotta just take a leap of faith. I think regular visits (and I count every-other month as regular) over more than a year is pretty substantial. Substantial enough to know for sure that you’re a perfect match and that your relationship will work out forever? No. But even seeing each other every day for three years wouldnt answer that.
I dated a guy long distance, and we’d always have a great time when we spent 2-3 days together. But once I got permission from my boss to work remotely for a week and stayed with him, and it was a whooooole different experience. For whatever reasons, I really didn’t enjoy daily life with him… I felt bored and lonely during the day when he was at work, and the evenings weren’t fun like they were when we’d hang out and do all kinds of cool stuff. We’d go to dinner or whatever, but it wasn’t the same. That was a red flag, and there were others. As great of a guy as he seemed to be, and as well as we hit it off, it just wasn’t right. And, as I’ve mentioned before on here, he turned out to be super sketchy. We communicated ALL day, every day, right from the start, via IM, text, video, etc, and I loved talking to him, but he definitely had stuff going on with other women. I sensed it pretty early on, but figured since we weren’t exclusive it was ok… but after a while there was just no trust and I told him that. Anyway, the moral is that if your gut is giving you feelings that anything is off, pay attention to that… and try to do a week of “real life” as opposed to “holiday” and see how that feels. The sex with this guy wasn’t great either… he talked a very good line, but didn’t deliver.
So I thought the Guy and I were doing a mutual fade as we hadn’t texted since our date Wednesday. But then he texted me today that he was feeling more a “friendship dynamic” and blah blah blah. The thing is I was thinking of sending him something similar, though I was concerned of being presumptuous. I was pretty busy the last few days and he hadn’t texted either so I was at peace. I know closure is good and we are adults so it’s good to communicate. But I guess my ego has taken a small hit too. Well I tried to be light and breezy saying I felt the same way and also enjoyed getting to know him (all true) but then I added a “perhaps see you around the city!” because we sort of run in the same circles and now I feel stalkery. Ok life is too short to overthink every text but agh, cringe. And the thing is maybe I’d be open to hanging out again as friends, but I didn’t want to bring it up because I’m not sure and I don’t want to be “rejected” again. I can’t believe I’ve let this consume me (maybe overexaggerating) for 2 weeks.
Don’t sweat it. Try not to over analyze your texts and the words you chose.
Remember, even if the rejection stung, it’s one path you weren’t meant to go down and now you are free for a better one.
I feel like this is what I’m going through right now: http://tcat.tc/1PWis3q
Not necessarily that he’s pulling away but… all the anxiety that he might and then my brain starts spinning and I’m acting exactly like in the article above.
Wow, that article was really great.
Not that anyone asked, but one of the things that I think really helped me and my husband forge a great relationship was that by the time we started our casual FWB relationship, I had kind of given up. By that I mean, I had already stopped the future planning with a relationship in mind like this article describes. I had gotten to the point where I’d been single and not looking for so long, that I’d gotten used to being alone a bit. I was just me, with maybe slightly better hair and way less man-related anxiety. He had been very clear he didn’t want anything serious, but enjoyed sex and spending time with me and I was cool with that for a year or so.
When I wanted more, I told him, and I was ready to walk away. To my surprise he took me up on my offer.
My advice…just take it day by day and really try not to overanalyze or stress about his response time, etc. You have a trip planned, and that will be better to test the relationship temperature.
I think all of your updates sound very positive and you should really try not to worry. I know it’s so much easier said than done. When I’m worried, I just keep myself very busy so I don’t have much time to think about it.
@MissDre – Have you guys discussed exclusivity yet? I can’t recall if you’re still just seeing how things go with the distance, or if he’s your boyfriend. In any case, I’ve noticed in my own life, my anxieties flare up when I’m dating someone but we’re still not exclusive, and I calm down when I’m confident how the guy feels about me (so, basically, either when we break up OR become exclusive). If you have a therapist, it’s probably worthwhile to discuss these feelings with them, because I know how shitty that kind of anxiety can feel, and can’t imagine if I were in a relationship and it lingered. It’d be difficult to deal with if it just never went away. I think @anonymousse’s advice is good, but I think it’s easier said than done.
