DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I’m so sorry Ale. Nothing we say can make it feel better, but I hope you find ways to take good care of yourself and heal. Good thoughts being sent your way.
I’ve been lurking on this thread for awhile (like 100 pages awhile) but wanted to chime in with sympathies – Ale, that really sucks. Take good care and wallow for awhile if you need to. It does sound like ultimately it just wasn’t a good long-term match. Please, please don’t think it’s because of something you did “wrong” or didn’t do “right”. That’s not how true, loving, long-lasting partnerships work. Hugs!
Thanks everyone.
The timing is just.. crap.
Last week we went on a trip, paid entirely by me. I knew things weren’t that great but the trip was coming, and we went there and it was really cool. A week later he breaks up with me. And he told me that he had been thinking about this for a while. So even before we went to our trip he knew he wanted to break up. Dick.
I’ve realized now that he just doesn’t need me anymore. He needed me for my car and he just got one. He needed me for his job change and that happened last week, he had a promotion to where he wanted to be, finally in his field and he now makes more money. The trip was coming and he wanted to go, so now that it’s over he finally he doesn’t need me. He said “I just want to be alone”.
And you’re not going to believe this, but Facebook reminded me that six years ago, in April too, I broke up with my ex boyfriend of seven years, after a trip that was also paid entirely by me and his words were exactly the same “I just want to be alone”.
History repeats itself. All I can say is fuck. I hate all of this.
I am so, so sorry, Ale! This has to hurt like crazy! The pain is probably all you can feel right now — please take good care of yourself and go easy on YOU, please. What you just added makes it clearer than ever that what people have been telling you is absolutely true: it isn’t what you did, it’s about who he is. “Dick” seems more than fair, and he sounds like a callous user. You need somebody way better than him. To me, it seems like the only thing you did was give love and support to someone who wasn’t deserving of it. You didn’t pull the chain and flush him away once it was pretty clear what he was like. You sound like a very giving person. Later on, if you can do what Chump Lady calls “fix your picker”, you can hopefully find a truly wonderful guy who who will be worth all the love and care you likely will pour into that relationship. Very best wishes to you!
That’s really hurtful. Who the hell lets someone pay for a trip and then breaks up with them? That’s a highly shitty move.
@Ale, I’m so sorry. This is NOT your fault. Hang in there, it will only get better over time! I am wondering, why are you paying in full for your boyfriends when you vacation together? Did both of those boyfriends have really low paying jobs? That doesn’t seem fair for them to not contribute at all.
@K the first one was because he didn’t have the money at the time but wanted to go and promised to pay. He paid me a part (like $200 of $1000) but the rest he never paid me and I never went after the money because I didn’t want any contact. And this one was because he had a low paying job and a lot of obligations. I could have gone alone but he wanted to go and because we were fine I bought everything and gave him the trip as a Christmas gift.
Ugh, I found out my ex was cheating right after I totally paid for and booked a vacation for us to celebrate his 30th birthday. So what I’m hearing from all of this is…don’t date the type of loser dudes that would let you pay for an entire vacation. Ever.
Meanwhile I owe current bf somewhere around $2500 for our Euro trip since he did all the bookings and he’s like “eh, focus on paying off your credit card first then pay me, we’ll be together for a long time and I know you’re good for it, so I’d rather you be happy than stress.” I’m very insistent and have laid out a clear timeline on paying back but it still feels super weird. But SO mad for you Ale. Fuck. That. Dude.
@MissDre on the knowing when it’s love versus infatuation, I guess I know that I fall quickly and for me it’s telling the difference between “I have love for this person” (which I do for most of my close friends and express easily and often) versus “I’m IN love with this person.” “Have love for this person” for me is enjoying their company, respecting them, wanting to be there for them, feeling emotional intimacy. Being “in love” is trickier and I wait for the intense infatuation to simmer down a bit and for the calm, steady feeling. The feeling of having fun even when we are doing absolutely nothing, or not feeling weird telling them about my cramps, or talking about my past and what I hope for the future with them. Being able to be myself totally, and for them to be as well, and feeling like it’s easy and fits in a way that it never did with anyone else. That being said, I guess I’ve been afraid and waited a long time to say it even if I felt it to protect myself and it did’t prevent me form being hurt, so I see no harm in being honest about where I am now.I’m sorry Ale. Breakups are never fun.
Take some time and do some self care and reflecting after you’ve gotten over the hump. You are free to meet a better fit when you are ready.@kmentthat I think I remember about it because you posted about the cheating here and about the vacation paid and I totally related to that. But I never thought it would happen again.
I’m feeling better now because I have realized that it was the best choice. I am taking care of myself by deleting his number and unfollowing him on social media. I am blocking his instagram but not his number. The no contact rule will be hard but not impossible since we work in the same building and we are still dealing with some unresolved issues. And he keeps contacting me even if I don’t answer to see how I’m doing and to offer me help with stuff he knew I needed before.
I also made an appointment with a new therapist that specializes in breakups. He will see me tomorrow, he is kind of famous and usually very busy, his waitlist is like 3 months, so I am kind of surprised on how he was available to see me tomorrow.
Thanks everyone.I would tell him you’d like help in the form of him paying you his share of the vacation expenses.
