DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I’ve heard getting a dog is a good way to network/meet people so maybe you will meet a cool dog man as well, @copa! Hope tonight’s date goes well.
Sorry to hear your relationship ended, @cleo, but good luck on your upcoming date!
Regarding that discussion about talking before the date, I agree with the general consensus of not chatting too much before the date once you set it up. But there’s no need to overthink it. Just text if he texts, and you feel like it. Initiate texts if you feel like it. If you are going to hit off, texting before the date isn’t going to hurt anything.
Men get mixed messages too — don’t text, it seems like he’s not interested; text and it seems overbearing. I think I was turned off by a guy sending harmless texts, but it was because you’re “not supposed” to text too much before meeting. Now you don’t want to build people up — it’s nice to be pleasantly surprised — but don’t worry if you text too much too, unless you are bored by the conversation.
A TIPSY update because I just got home from my date, and we did not order appetizers (and I did not eat dinner). (Don’t worry, I wasn’t, like, *embarrassing* tipsy on the date.)
First off, my date from last night texted and it made my heart sink because I don’t want to reject someone who actually seems to like me. But, truly, I don’t think we had chemistry. Or common ground. Bah. He was nice, and polite, but there just wasn’t anything there, y’know?
Tonight’s date was nice! He’s not unattractive, but I didn’t feel immediately attracted to him. But, he was nice, he was really easy to talk to. I’d go out with him again because I enjoyed the conversation — it was natural and seamless — BUT, I couldn’t get a read on him. At all. I can normally tell if a guy likes me. Hell, a lot of men who I go out with who DO like me tell me outright and end the date by telling me they want to go out again. This guy didn’t. He just said it was nice to meet me, which sounds a lot like a polite rejection. So, I’d go out with him again, but won’t be surprised or too upset if he’s not into it.
And so now I’m at home waiting on my food delivery (I’m so hungry!) and thinking I’m still at square one, and a little sad, and (don’t worry, I’m not ACTUALLY going to do this) I truly wish I could ask the last couple guys to ghost me, both after a handful of dates, why, and what was so terrible about me that they just disappeared.
So yep, time for an online dating break. Maybe I’ll actually join one of those Meetup running groups I’ve yapped about on here.
@Copa I know exactly how you feel and I completely understand. It’s so hard not to take it personally when it seems like every guy you’re even slightly interested in ghosts you.
It’s downright hurtful and depressing when you like the guy, and it’s frustrating even when you’re not sure if you like him but you’re at least open to a second date. It’s like… What is SO wrong with me that even the guys I’m meh about don’t even want to meet up one more time? Does NOBODY out there like me? Am I cursed??
The cycle of match, meet, ghost is just absolutely exhausting.
@Copa DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
“what was so terrible about me that they just disappeared”
Most likely it had nothing to do with you, but with them. Don’t think it’s your fault.It’s really most likely not about you at all. It’s just what they do.
Are you not fun on dates? Do you have a chip on your shoulder? Do you seem like you want to skip dating and go right to a relationship? Are you visibly a mess or crazy? Do you get wasted? I mean, no, right?
@Copa I’m actually a little like your friend! I haven’t told a ton of people but I have a goal to be debt free (other than my house – and I’m getting so close!) by 35 so that I can begin the adoption/ fostering to adopt process if I haven’t met someone that I see a future with by then. I’m 32 (almost 33) now so I have some time to finish paying off debt and see if that’s truly the route I want to go. I have a great house in a good neighborhood and lots of friends that have offered to be aunts and uncles should the day come.
I figure I can always meet someone as a single mom too – I’ve seen plenty of single moms around here date and get married. And I have no huge desire to get pregnant with a donor or something if I can give a home to a child that truly needs one. I guess we’ll see what happens 🙂
P.S. It’s not you. You just haven’t met your person yet.
So the guy I met on Monday has already texted me telling me to have a great day.???? I really thought we’d both pretend the date never happened.
I’m not frustrated about yesterday’s date specifically, but a little surprised that I couldn’t peg his level if interest. I’m going to text him this morning thanking him for the drink (he paid), and if he’s not into it, that’s fine.
I admittedly still find myself dwelling on the last dude to ghost me. It’s not that I think we were Meant To Be, but we had so much in common, and it’s still weird to me that I was ghosted after a marathon date. I’m just so curious what happened.
So I’ve emailed my therapist asking about her availability next week because it’s been at least a month since I’ve shared with her how crazy I am. 😀
@Copa I have had guys do that too. I remember having a guy ghost me after 4 marathon dates – and the last thing he said to me was “I really really like you”. And then I never heard from him again.
FWIW, @Copa, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think we’ve ALL had those thoughts/insecurities with dating at some level. Ya know what changes it? Perspective. You’re in it right now, so you can’t see objectively. I was just recently thinking about perspective because my ex from 15 years (yes, that’s 1-5) ago reached out to me on FB “just saying hi.” This was a guy who I was “with” for 3 years, but refused to tell the mother of his kids about me and, sort of still lived with her…which I totally let happen. He also was manipulative and emotionally abusive, super jealous, and super toxic. That relationship put me in a depression where I would sleep all day and didn’t eat. Super bad.
Anyway, hearing from him made me reflect a little on what the fuck was wrong with me back then (we dated from when I was 20-23) that I would not only get involved with someone like that, but potentially (likely) was the other woman. And all I could come back to was perspective. I thought we were SOULMATES and we CONNECTED on a level I had never before experience (GAG). I had zero perspective that none of that really matters without mutual respect, of which there was none. Definitely none from him to me.
Anyway, all that to say, perspective helps you see things so much differently.
@veritek I think that’s awesome! I don’t really like kids, but love the idea of having my own family… so I have that in the back of my mind as something I could do if I ever DO wake up with the realization that kids are for me, but still haven’t met anyone. Financially, though, I think it’d be rough. I make decent money, but live in an expensive city and am still paying off my pesky student loans.
Also, how would all of you react if a date was shocked you are able to afford your own apartment in a moderately expensive neighborhood? This happened on Monday, and it’s not the first time a guy I’ve been on a date with has been surprised.
Ugh ghosting. One of the worst things to come out of dating. It can be easy to get caught up in it and wonder what YOU did. Most times it is the guy. But anxiety and insecurities sneak in…
Date update! Ended up seeing the new guy last night! Yesterday was my Birthday and I was supposed to have a softball game, but we got rained out (coincidentally enough I was born on a rainy Thursday, so suiting). New guy mentioned he had an open mic that night and was trying to get his friends to go. So I told him my game was cancelled and he told me to come to the city to see him play. So I did! I met him at his place and we carpooled to the venue (a small tea room). It was fun! Love live acoustic, and he was pretty good live as well 🙂 We left after a few sets and went back to his place for drinks. We did some hot and heavy making out which was really fun 😉 Overall it was great! Felt very natural talking and interacting with him. He was very affectionate, so I know he is definitely into me! We still have our date Thursday for a boardgame cafe.
