DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Copa I haven’t had quite that reaction but I did go on about 4 dates with a guy last year that just couldn’t fathom how I could own my own home and not live with roommates and not be super poor all the time(at the time I lived alone, I have a roommate now since I got laid off and freaked out and found a friend to move in and she’s more of a benefit rather than a necessity at this point). He was a retail store manager (and some of those around this area make more than me working a “normal” 8-5 job). Any time he said anything about it I just said that I’d worked really hard and got a house I could afford but it wasn’t spectacular by any means. Ultimately he said I was too “aggressive and intimidating”. And maybe I was, but he was kind of underwhelming. So there’s that.
If they expressed shock about how I could afford my lifestyle, I’d consider that kind of a red flag. It’s not good manners. I would definitely NOT get into any kind of explanation about it, just say, yup, matter of factly, and move on. Honestly if they’re surprised that a person in her 30s can afford an apartment or house, that doesn’t reflect well on them. I’d watch for other red flags. I never had anyone express surprise about where and how I lived.
As for being surprised that you could afford your place, I think it depends on the level of surprise and where it goes. I could see going out with a guy and finding out he had a fancy house (not necessarily saying your place is fancy, but just for the purposes of my imagination) and being like, “Wow, your house is so nice!” But I don’t I’d ever actually verbalize (especially at that point) being surprised that HE owned it. It’s rude, and it’s also implying a weird judgment of your financial stability, job, etc. I mean, I have a coworker who lives next door to the university basketball coach, and I never acted surprised when I went there for the first time.
It would make me wonder if the guy was trying to make a dig at you (like make you feel guilty or doubt your worth) or make obnoxious judgments (like “oh, someone must have bought this for her”), or is just so bad with money that he can’t fathom ever saving enough for nice place.
That said, if he never brought it up again and wasn’t weird about anything else similar, I guess I could get over it, but if he brought it up more than once or made it into a huge deal (like asking intrusive questions about my salary or commenting on my car or if I go on a vacation), then I’d think it doesn’t bode well for a future.
Exactly, @dinoceros. I’d be watching for any more signs he might be weird about gender or money. If it’s a one-off, nbd. No way would I get sucked into justifying anything though.
Yeah, that’s kind of what I was thinking. It’s happened a few times. There’s the assumption that I have roommates, then I clarify that nope, just me and a steady stream of foster animals, and then the surprised “wow!” reactions. And it’s always rubbed me the wrong way, but I’m never quite sure why. My last serious boyfriend, after we broke up, basically told me that he found me intimidated because I’m educated and ambitious and well-traveled, and this made him feel like he had to lie to me. Which I found out he did, a lot, and it upset me when I realized the extent of it. I don’t want to deal with another insecure/intimidated guy. I don’t really care if I’m the higher earner in a relationship. I care if the guy cares, and the surprised reactions always surprise ME. I’ve always been independent, and I take a lot of pride in that. Supporting myself comfortably is part of that.
Also, at least as far as Monday’s date goes, I don’t see us going out again. I don’t think we were a match for other reasons. Based on how our conversation went, though, my best guess is that he’s not yet financially stable.
On the days I was on Tinder I talked to a guy that seemed really impressed I had a job where I work, because it’s with the government and it’s not that easy to work here and has lots of benefits. So there were some questions like “who helped you get this job?”. Well, nobody, I got it myself…
So, yeah there are insecure men all around. I hate those kind of comments.
Last night’s date says he thinks I’m a “cool girl” and had a “great time” but “doesn’t know” if he’s feeling a romantic connection. Fair enough. Onto the next!
Sorry @Copa, but yes, on to the next one! Are you going to tell Monday’s date that you’re not feeling it, since he’s been texting you?
The own home/car thing is so annoying! I went out a couple of times with someone who was surprised that I owned both a car and a condo. Admittedly, at the time I was totally underemployed (working part-time in a bookstore while job hunting) after I’d lost my job in banking but I was 40…it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise. I found it kind of sexist, actually.
You guys are making me wonder if guys have been “intimidated” because I own a condo… nobody has ever said anything to me. They usually act impressed with comments like “Oh good for you!” or “Wow that’s really awesome, congrats!” but maybe behind the scenes they’ve thought differently about it.
My husband and I broke up for 11 months before I graduated college. I got a job and bought a townhouse in that time. My bf I had at that time was not intimidated and my husband was very impressed with it when we caught up after our break. I wonder what’s wrong with any guy who is intimidated by something like that!
