DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Omg that sucks!!!
I think when a guy seems eager to be exclusive after a handful of dates, with seemingly no deliberation at all, that in itself can be a flag. We see on here fairly often that when relationships start really fast, they can also fizzle really fast.
Sorry 🙁
I’m glad you see it as in he doesn’t want to prioritize you. While it doesn’t make it any easier it will help with moving on from him.
I’m really sorry. 🙁
Ugh that sucks @theladye. I tend to agree with Kate. There’s something to be said for spending a bit of time getting to know someone before deciding to put all of your proverbial eggs in one basket. I am still pissed on your behalf because you seemed so excited. This was so unfair. Don’t give up altogether, though. The right person is out there for you!
” If I can’t trust that a man who pursues and prioritizes me from the get-go is going to stick around, who on earth can I trust?”
This may be exactly who you shouldn’t trust, or at least be careful with. Someone who prioritizes you “too much” and immediately thinks that you’re fantastic and dives into a relationship “may” be someone who has found true love with you, but may also be someone who is just really impulsive and excited to find “a” relationship with a nice and attractive person. Then a month in it’s not magical anymore or they realize it’s not a good fit and they abruptly break up or fade out.
This seems to be a *really* common personal advice scenario, where people feel a “connection” and spend all of their time together and all of a sudden someone back out without warning.
I don’t mean to be unsympathetic-what you’re going through sucks. I’ve been on the receiving end before, and to be honest, on the dishing out end a few times when I was younger. I was very lonely and I’d get all fired up to be with someone and we’d spend a bunch of time together and then two months later I’d realize that I didn’t really have enough in common with that person.
Next time, take it slow and make your partner take it slow. It will happen or it won’t but being more deliberate will help you filter out some people who don’t have what you’re looking for.
Fyodor said it much better than I could. In fact, as I was reading his comment, I was reminded of how my relationship with my ex started. I actually hadn’t ever put two and two together. We were SO hot and heavy from date 2. Became exclusive within a month, probably 3-4 dates. And within a few months, he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Meanwhile, I hadn’t felt that way in YEARS and was so devastated over a guy I had only been with for ~5 months. UGH. And then that turned into a 3 year on/off thing. Such a waste of fucking time. Don’t be me!
Yeah, same thing happened to me last year with Pilot Jones. Dude wanted to be exclusive after only a week, and I was sort of like “whoa wtf this is fast” but also, just really excited so I said yes. That relationship crashed and burned fairly quickly and left me pretty emotional. In hindsight, the fact that he wanted to rush was the biggest red flag.
Hope you feel better soon, girl.
@MissDre what does your boyfriend say when you tell him you won’t be ready to move until next summer?
@LadyE I’m sorry, I think we all know how excited you were about him. However, the red flags WERE there. Everything happened really fast, I remember you talking about giving your number to a neighbour and then you had a boyfriend. This is not so you feel guilty or worse, but you will gain clarity over time and will probably realize that it was fast.
Now, listen to sad music, no contact with him, ice cream, working out and you’ll be fine in a minute.
Yeah, I agree with what everyone is saying about rushing into exclusivity as a red flag. Although I have seen it happen and work — a friend of mine met her boyfriend on Match and they were exclusive/Facebook official within two weeks, and though they’re weirdly co-dependent, seem happy together after almost two years — I’ve mostly seen these kinds of relationships fizzle fast.
Anyway, not trying to downplay what you’re feeling — it sucks, and I know it hurts. I’m in my early 30s and single, and while I am actually not unhappy with my life circumstances more often than not, the seemingly constant disappointment can be difficult, especially when you feel like maybe you’ve finally found it.
@Ale I mean, the neighbor thing was totally a fluke and I had zero interest in him. That was just a mistake.
Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone. I really appreciate it. I am determined that I will not beg him to be in a relationship with me or beg him to give us a chance. If he wants to throw us away then that’s his choice and I do believe he’ll regret it, but I am worth more than someone who doesn’t see my worth and doesn’t want to prioritize me. The strangest thing is that I thought he did. His excuse is that he is so busy and doesn’t know how to prioritize a relationship, and wants to ‘work on himself’ and ‘find his place in the world’ and even though I am ‘everything he is looking for’ he doesn’t feel like can ‘give me what I need right now’. Y’know, etc etc.
I think he’s realizing that a good relationship with emotional involvement with a quality woman like me takes effort and planning and he’s just not emotionally mature enough yet to see the value in that. (At 30. Sigh.) As far as I know he’s never had that before. His last relationship was over 6 years ago and ended with her cheating on him a bunch. As in…I don’t think it was very good. He says our relationship feels like his first one ever because of how good it is/(was).
The clincher is that we are actually really compatible as far as values, sense of humor, intellect, etc, and we both have health issues that a future partner would need to be understanding of. I don’t think he’ll find someone else like me. Maybe someday he’ll realize that but now he is throwing it away and I’m really bummed. I really like him and I was so looking forward to an awesome fall/winter in what I thought was a great relationship with an incredible guy who felt the same way about me. 🙁
Honestly I am just so tired of doing this over and over.
I tend to stop eating when I’m going through a breakup though, so between smoothies to get nutrition and working out maybe I’ll get skinnier for the next one.
