DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Both of these represent bad outcomes for the first date:
Fyodor: Would you like to go out on a second date.
Date: F*ck offFyodor:Would you like to go out on a second date.
Date: You are my soulmate. I want to marry you.
I get it. He has been pretty quiet today so maybe he is getting the picture. I think he got excited by the potential.
FWIW, he never said he “saw my worth,” those were my words in describing it. He said he really liked what he saw as far as my profile and our possible compatibility – we do have a lot in common as far as beliefs/world views which are relatively rare, particularly here. He has been pushing boundaries a bit but I don’t mean to make him sound like more of a creep than he is at all.
I’m so exhausted with all this.
I know he never said that. I would like for *you* to see that none of this is about your worth. Look, there were job interviews I was excited about and hoped to get an offer. There were guys I went on 3-4 dates with and was really excited about but they weren’t feeling it. None of those instances meant anything about my worth… just, the fit wasn’t mutual, or there was a stronger candidate. That’s life. When I found a job or a LTR, that didn’t mean my worth was then validated. I was always a human being worthy of love and employment. None of this proved that either way, it was always true.
LadyE, we all know dating is frustrating and it seems unfulfilling at times and of course it’s exciting to find someone who seems like they are on the same page with you…but sometimes we have to give people time to show us who they really are.
I know you mentioned earlier how you don’t focus on yourself when things go bad and since you mentioned terms such as “worth” and “potential,” I think you should strive to find that with yourself first. I’m not trying to play armchair psychologist or dole out cliches but, you really can’t be happy with someone else unless you’re happy by yourself first. Just forget about “finding” someone…just live your best life!…and then before you know it things will happen! It’s like just take a break and focus on things you want to pursue. Of course a guy should be interested, in the sense that they want to get to know you better, but it takes time to find a compatible partner. I’m only speaking from experience, so I thought I’d comment. I’m wishing you the best!
Well, I thought that he had said that. There is a lot of difference between saying “I know your worth” and “I really like your profile and see possible compatibility in terms of beliefs”.
Yeah but Ale, even though he didn’t say that, he’s still acting creepy, pushing her to keep seeing him when she said she’s not ready, talking about “us,” complaining that she’s too busy when she saw him 2-3x in a week. It’s weird.
I know this is all exhausting and seeing what’s out there is really depressing. I know it and I really don’t want to go there since I recently became single. I am really dreading the whole dating process and getting back out there because I know it will be shitty. I get you on that. But what Kate says is true. You don’t need anybody to validate that you’re worth it. You ahev your worth, you’ve never been worthless. You know what you are and what you deserve and you’re not going to settle for less than that.
I think it’s good that you are thinking of taking some time for yourself. During this time you should also focus on working on these issues. I feel like you get your hopes up way too soon and end up dissapointed because you were expecting something else. You need to take it slow, breathe, enjoy the process. This may sound like shit especially coming from a person that doesn’t want to touch a man with a ten foot pole. But I’m actually enjoying being alone right now, having all the time to myself and my cats, dreading men because I’ll know it will end some day. This is not forever.
I’m just tired of the cycle of it. Believe me, I was in shock when my ex & I got together because it seemed so easy, we got along so well, it happened quickly but more naturally than I had ever experienced. I honestly was very wary because of how fast it happened and we talked a lot about our relationship, our expectations, and our life experience. The fact that he bailed is really disappointing because I didn’t see it coming and I thought I was being as cautiously optimistic as possible.
I know I don’t need a man to validate my self-worth. I’ve been single for large swaths of time – years – perfectly fine, enjoying my friends, my hobbies, growing professionally, etc. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve been single for a long time. I’m just really disappointed that this person who I thought had a lot of potential wasn’t actually available when he made himself out to be (my ex). The good news is I do have a therapist now and he is helping a lot – helping me see what happened with my ex for what it was and not that he was “throwing me away” or that it has anything to do with my worth. Also he says that a lot of what I’ve been through in dating has been traumatic and naturally I would have the reactions I’m having. The stories I tell him about modern dating horrify him.
The therapist is helping, but damn, it would be nice for something to just work out for once…for a man to be physically and emotionally available AND interested in me AND me return that interest.
Yeah, I know, that’s all understandable. The parts that worried me were, feeling that this guy knows your worth after meeting you two or three times, his not seeming to respect your boundaries, you feeling like a jerk because of it… definitely put that guy in the circular file and stop engaging. I wouldn’t even reach out once you’re feeling better – he sounds like a bad bet.
How did you find this therapist? I wonder if you wouldn’t be better off with one who’s more familiar with the dynamics of modern dating.
I found him because he’s in my health plan network and close to my house. I actually really like him and he’s helped tremendously so far.
New guy asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight (after we just hung out Saturday night) and I told him no.
