DW Community Catch-up Thread
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“I guess I just like the ultra social, outgoing personalities when I’m around them — I get along with that kind of personality well — but in dating, it never seems to work.”
Is it possible that maybe you’re mistaking their social adroitness for some kind of deeper rapport. If you’re taking seriously guys that are unusually charming/sociable, maybe you’re ending up in situations where what seems like a good connection is really just them doing their thing.
I’ll also add that people who are “ultra social outgoing personalities…” tend to be in very high demand. They might be casually be dating a bunch of women and enjoy dating you but when they reach that 2-3 month mark when people are expected to become more invested decide to cut loose.
Update over here: Banjo and I will be moving in together in February! My lease is up then and I need to tell the landlord in November if I will renew it or not so we’ve been discussing it. It was a very easy decision and very natural progression in our relationship. We looked at some places online last night to get an idea of what’s out there, but I might just move into his place since he has a one-bedroom at a good price and we really like the neighborhood. I’ve just read Wendy’s list of things to consider and a few other lists and there are some conversations I want to have but in general I feel ready.
The only thing is… we haven’t said “I love you” yet. Do y’all think this is weird? We’ve been together about a year (our anniversary is in three weeks). Banjo often tells me how much he appreciates me, likes me, has such a great time with me, I mean so much to him, etc. but hasn’t said those three little words. I’ve never been the one to say it first in a relationship but have thought about saying it several times only to chicken out. Each time has been a special occasion or a trip and I didn’t want it to be A Thing if he didn’t say it back. Maybe he has also thought about it and chicken out. I guess I just need to go for it on any random day! I know Banjo loves me based on how he treats me but it would be nice to say it out loud. And it seems a little weird to move in together if we haven’t said it yet?
Yeah, honestly, that does seem a little weird – that he’d tell you he likes and appreciates you but not that he loves you. And a year is a long time to go for first “I love you,” based on the times that discussion has come up on DW. I would find out what’s up before moving in with him. If you do feel it, say it. See how he reacts.
“maybe you’re ending up in situations where what seems like a good connection is really just them doing their thing”
That is a really good appreciation.
Look,if you love someone, tell them. Don’t start a competition with that. And do find out if he feels that way, sooner rather than later
I mean, your gut telling you he does is good, and you’re probably right. But. He wouldn’t be the first guy to carry on in a relationship that he enjoys but in which he’s not in love. And with your lease coming up, I could see a guy who’s not feeling “in love,” but “in like / appreciation” moving forward with that anyway. Again, he probably does, but definitely find out where he’s at with that before letting your apartment go.
If you feel it, and are waiting for him to say it first…just…why?
Every time someone writes or talks about that hesitancy, I kind of think you must not really love him, otherwise you wouldn’t have an issue saying it. Like, it’s seems you are holding back sharing your feelings under the condition he have them first. Being vulnerable is only scary for a split second.
Is it possible that maybe you’re mistaking their social adroitness for some kind of deeper rapport.
Is it possible? Sure! But I don’t feel a deeper rapport with every charming guy I meet. I don’t even feel it with most. The rapport here stemmed more from how much we had in common and shared interests than anything else. And some of his gestures — e.g., the whole getting together during the workday thing that I mentioned — seems less like a sociable guy just doing his thing and more like trying to acting like his interest is more than it is.
@lucia Since you feel it, why not just tell him? I understand the nerves, but it seems like you should be ready for that kind of vulnerability if you’re going to make your lives more intertwined with a move-in. At a minimum, in your shoes, I think I’d need to say if for no other reason than to gauge reaction. I wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in with someone who didn’t love me after a year.
“I’ve never been the one to say it first in a relationship but have thought about saying it several times only to chicken out. ”
This is lame. Love is meant to be shared. If you feel it and are sure about it, say it. Maybe he’s waiting for you. Maybe he won’t say it back and you’ll need to talk about it. You’re better off knowing. But you can’t be moving in with someone and at the same time be engaged in this level of early-relationship gamesmanship and avoidance of awkardness.
Ah, engineers. In college and the few years post-college, I somehow almost exclusively hooked up with and/or dated engineers. Half the guys I’ve slept with have been engineers. I’d find them even when I wasn’t seeking them out, like meeting a cute guy at a friend’s wedding who happened to be an engineer. It never worked out with any of them. I like smart nerdy guys, and some of them were a bit awkward or had low self-esteem. I do know a number of personable, friendly, outgoing engineers who are married or in successful relationships, so you might be able to find an outgoing engineer who wasn’t a frat bro.
Funnily enough my boyfriend is an artist, so basically the opposite of an engineer (although he isn’t a stereotypical artist) and it’s the most successful relationship that I’ve had by far.
,@K That’s like me but with consultants. A lot of the guys I’ve dated have been consultants. I don’t seek them out, it just happens. My sister finds the artsy types, and they’re always, like, the struggling-cellist-still-trying-to-make-it-at-40 type.
Isn’t it weird how that is? Certain types just seem to find you. I’m lucky in that my boyfriend actually makes a good living as an artist (works on animated tv shows). But he’s also very outdoorsy and my type has shifted more towards the outdoorsy types.
