DW Community Catch-up Thread
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If the dog doesn’t like it and you’re doing it for your own pleasure, then yeah, it’s mean and don’t do it. I don’t think it’s abuse, though. My dog is super mellow — doesn’t even seem to mind the cone of shame he’s been sporting the past week. He doesn’t mind when I put his bandana on, though he’ll sometimes notice it around his next and think it’s a toy. I think a jacket will be necessary, though, so I actually do want him to learn to like or at least tolerate clothes. I think booties will be a struggle, but I don’t know how else to keep his paws safe when the weather gets bad.
New dog, who is mellow to the point of torpor, probably won’t mind but I feel like I dug in on principle so much with my wife with the last one (who hated it) that I can’t back down.
SO much depends on your own dog! Just like my childhood dog hated riding in the car (to her, it meant a trip to the vet, UGH!), and yet it is a supreme pleasure to so many dogs… a black Lab I know used to know absolutely loved going to Halloween parties as Cujo, and gloried in the attention and fun. Other dogs may feel differently. Your mileage may vary.
How was everyone’s weekend?
I’m pretty bummed – I kind of isolated myself this weekend and didn’t really do anything fun at all. My house had gotten so messy from not attending to it so I cleaned a lot, and grocery shopped, but mostly I spent the weekend at home with my dog. I didn’t even leave the house yesterday except to walk her. It means I missed 3 comedy shows, 2 that I really wanted to go to, because honestly I didn’t have a Halloween costume and I was in a funk and didn’t feel like getting one. Now I wish I had gone to at least one of them because it looks like they were awesome.
Every so often I’ll do this – feel like I need to shut myself off from the world because my house is a mess or I feel overwhelmed – and it always leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Lesson learned: I need to schedule at least one activity with someone over the weekend or it’s too easy to do that. :-/
Ah well – next weekend will be at least 1 comedy show, maybe 2, and also church, so I’ll be plenty busy then. Hope everyone else had fun this weekend!
So Friday I went out with my friend and that guy she met on OKCupid who flew in to see her. He was handsome, and nice, but I found him rather awkward. Like a smart-awkward. Didn’t seem creepy, but I still think what he did is weird. My friend doesn’t think he’s the guy for her — for reasons that are dumb as well as reasons that are legit — and I’m like, “Yep, this is why you don’t fly somewhere for a first date.” I ended up dragging a college buddy along with me and he and I were the boozy side of the table, heh. The cocktails at this place were great! I told him all about C.T. and he reassured me that I’m very pretty and will find someone. Blerg.
Yesterday, I had tentative plans with A.T. that we’d made the prior weekend. I had assumed these were evening plans again since it was basically the same thing we did last weekend. At noon, he texted me officially inviting me out… for plans that started at 2:30. This is, I think, my biggest frustration with him. I have fun while we’re out, but I’m clearly not toward the top of his priority list. Either that, or he’s completely clueless, but I doubt it. So we didn’t see each other after all. And that’s fine! Like I’ve said, I don’t think he’s the long-term guy for me but I’m fine casually dating him. For some reason I feel like I need to justify that, though.
Heading out on a first date momentarily. I’m not excited but we have the same alma mater, so if the conversation sucks we can just reminisce about how awesome our college town was and I’ll come home.
I’m not sure how many people who read this thread have had success with online dating. Does anyone know roughly how many people they met before they met their match? I’m curious. My therapist told me she met a lot of people (like, close to 100). A lot of people keep telling me it’s a numbers game. I’ve been online dating for about two years. (Technically three, but three years ago it only took a few dates for me to realize I was too recently single/emotionally a hot mess from a breakup to date. So I went on a hiatus and worked on myself.) Today I decided to make a list of the guys I’ve gone on dates with. I count 26, and those are only the ones I can remember (names or attributes — like I have “Disagreed By The River Guy” on my list). There’s a good chance I missed a few guys. I thought I’d make my list and realize I hadn’t met a lot of people, but I don’t feel that way now that I see my list is pushing 30. Anyway. Just curious. I know people have commented that online dating has gotten worse in the past couple years than it was before the apps, but I have nothing to compare it to since I didn’t really start until 2015.
@Copa I was single and online dating for about 2.5 years. It sucked. I think I probably met somewhere between 20-25 guys in that time. I was ghosted by several and definitely cried over a few of them.
I tried reading that book, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, and I got about 30% through the book and had to stop because it sent me into a tailspin of depression.
I read “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” which definitely did help me feel better for a short while… until I met someone else and got ghosted again.
Online dating just sucked, and I seriously hope my boyfriend and I are a long term match because I do NOT want to go through that again.
Hi @Copa.I’m partnered up for two years now but in order to meet him, I spent a year & 8 months doing internet dating. I did take a months break in that time too. I met 43 men( not including boyfriend) , talked/texted & messaged back forth on app- probably about a hundred men. Of the 43 men; 1 made to 5 dates, 1 made to 3 dates( and a friendship instead), 2 made to 2 dates, & the rest were just one dates but almost all made for interesting stories for myself & friends. I’m not including a round of speed dating which probably adds on another 12 men.
My guides through it all was Matthew Hussey videos & his book, don’t laugh- actually laugh away- Millionaire Matchmaker shows & having a Spidey sense of when a guy was bullshitting me( based on having had bad relationships in the past & having had therapy to recognize things I’d run towards before in men).
Hope tonight’s date goes well.
Oh a relative told me, on a first date men will monologue at you at one point in the date. She proved to be right. It’s an very good introduction to who he is. Listen carefully, it’ll tell you both the good and bad. Also see how he treats waitresses/servers etc. If it’s badly, then run as he’ll treat you like that soon.
I met my husband online at the beginning of 2015. Before I met him I’d been online dating for a year and three months or so. During that time I met up with maybe 20 or so guys. Of those 20 I think I only went on second dates with five of them. And there was only two guys I went on three or four dates with.
I think for me taking a couple breaks (when I was traveling a lot for work, or if I’d just been on a bunch of first dates that went nowhere) helped a lot. It kept it from feeling too much like a chore.
@Copa, I’m glad I’m not the only one who is like that! I just don’t really like Halloween. I’m very creative but for some reason I always suck at coming up with Halloween costumes and I’m very bah humbug about it.
I’ve been online dating off and on since roundabout 2010-2011, so that’s 6ish years. I think I got on OKCupid in 2011. From various sources (mostly OKCupid, but also Tinder, eHarmony, Clover, and Coffee Meets Bagel – actually only met one guy each from all but OKC, oddly enough), I count that I’ve gone out with roughly 30 men…somewhere between 30-35. Of those, 3 became relationships, a handful became legit friends (like, we called it off before we got too deep into dating and realized we’d be better as friends), a few I dated for a few months but we never became exclusive, a couple were pretty much flings, and the rest were 1-2 dates max.
I think it is a numbers game as well as, if not mostly, timing. But timing’s a bitch.
Tonight’s date was handsome and seems nice. He picked a good spot for a first date. (Quiet enough, cool atmosphere, good drinks.) It was a little boring — no immediate chemistry, but I’d go out with him again. (He’s already texting me to tell me how great I am so I assume we’ll see each other again.)
My Lyft driver could tell I was ending a date and asked how it was, bahaha. He told me I’m beautiful and seemed sincerely shocked that I’m on Tinder and having a hard time. I guess it’s my personality then, sir!
It’s interesting to hear what other people went through. I went through my list of 30. Of this list, most were only first dates. There were a couple guys that I went on 2-3 dates with. Then a few that I went on 4+ dates with/had short-lived relationships with.
I’m admittedly more bummed about C.T. than I care to admit or feel I should be. Not, like, spiraling-into-depression or major-breakup bummed, but I guess it felt so abrupt to me, and we had SO MUCH in common, and I suppose I’m just baffled he wasn’t “emotionally into it.”
@TheLadyE So to your earlier point, I’m someone who admittedly has to work on my emotional health. I have anxiety, and I’d be willing to bet depression (no actual diagnosis). On top of that, I’m a transplant in my city and I’ve had to work hard for my friendships, but have tended to befriend other transplants who also sometimes leave. So. I sometimes do the shut-in thing, and tbh, that’s part of the reason I got a dog. If nothing else, I have to leave the house for the dog. I try to schedule at least one fun thing every weekend — drinks or dinner with friends, volunteering, going to a museum, a Meetup so that I continue to meet new people. Literally anything that will get me up and out of the house. It’s not my greatest habit, and I’m aware of it and work at it. But sometimes, it happens. Usually when I’m sad. Not sure anything I’ve said is helpful, but as with a lot of things in life, hopefully it’s helpful to know you’re not the only one.
@Copa I totally understand, and it is helpful! I’ve had my dog for 9 years (transplant to my city as well – my parents thought I was ‘lonely’ and got me a puppy!), and she does get me out of the house. Admittedly she also keeps me at home a lot, because it’s just us and I work full time. I spent almost all weekend with her. 🙂 I do try to plan at least one activity per weekend as well, for just that reason. I don’t struggle with anxiety but I definitely do with depression, and isolating myself is a definite symptom of that. Thankfully, therapy is tomorrow morning!
Also – something my therapist says is that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself/be impatient with yourself and your own healing. I was absolutely devastated when my ex broke up with me a few months ago, and honestly I’m still getting over it and will be for awhile. We were (seemed to be, at least) so incredibly compatible and the very few experiences I’ve had with guys since then just solidify that. It’s totally ok to be sad and to require some time to heal/grieve. Dating now is super hard and I think those of us willing to continue to slog through it after so much disappointment are very resilient and brave. My therapist actually said that some of the things I experienced with men were traumatic experiences (he was shocked when I told him about some of the ghosting, cheating, lying, etc) and he said it was totally natural I would be seeking out help as a result.
