DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Ale- I know on here everyone has mixed opinions about looking up guys before you go on a date with them. However, a few months ago I looked up a guy on court records that I was having a really great conversation with on Bumble. He mentioned that he was finalizing his divorce. What he failed to mention was that his ex-wife had a restraining order against him because he had threatened to kill her and her child. I did not go on a date with this man.
OMG! @veritek33 That’s fairly horrifying. I always Google my dates when possible.
I don’t think it’s necessary to do what I call a “deep creep” (i.e., looking through four years of Instagram photos or whatever), but I think it’s always a good idea to make sure the person is who they say they are at a most basic level.
Also, a friend tried to tell me that my ex (the divorcing-but-not-quite-divorced dude) had too much baggage but I was like WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Everything. Everything went wrong. He never outright said it, but he was still very sad about his marriage ending. He lied a lot about weird stuff. He cheated. He married the woman he cheated with a hot second after we broke up. Shoulda listened! But I was 26, and he was “perfect.” Nobody could’ve convinced me there were major red flags, but I do think I’d know better now.
@Copa – I think, unfortunately, a lot of women date men with blinders on. The great thing about it is then you know better and what to look for (I hope for the majority anyway) for future dates.
I dated a total scumbag when I was 17-20ish. Unfortunately, I had a kid before I woke up and smelled the roses, so to speak. I did manage to move on and find a great guy (he adopted my daughter when she was 3!). No one (after many discussions with many different people) could show me or tell me all the red flags they were seeing. Ya know, I knew I could fix all the things. I had to finally wake up and see it for myself. Took me way to long!
I was still very unsure with my current BF until about the 6 month mark. We were exclusive, but distance. He is attractive, so very kind, such a strong man and everything I had been looking for. I had a hard time just letting myself be happy. Once I did that, it made me realize how much I wanted him around.
2.5 months is still time to figure it out. You are invested, so if it does end it will stink. But, if you don’t let yourself open up and be with this man you’ll have potentially let someone good go. If you TOTALLY aren’t feeling it, yeah end it. Only fair to him too.
@ver damn that is creepy! I have usually done the FB creep for some of the guys, usually after I have had a few dates to see if things line up. But have been very fortunate none have been married or convicted of crimes haha I think at my age, it is less likely to have a guy married and divorced, or at least in the process of it.
@TheHizzy, really glad to hear your back is recovering so well!
I just reread everything about your sister, @theladye. I mean the whole situation is too much drama too early on, but I could see how she maybe would want to test this out until it became a major deal breaker. Just something she will have to learn from and maybe his parents will accept her, who knows. But you wrote: “And then he got snarky when she said she was hanging out with one of her guy friends, like “OK go date him, I see how you are.” Like among everything else, WTF. It’s not just immaturity. It’s early verbal abuse.
That is terrifying @ver! I tend to do a light Google, see if they exist, thank you LinkedIn. I don’t think I’d catch court records though.
@Hizzy, glad your back is recovering and sending you good vibes 🙂 Thanks, this is how I’m feeling right now. I’m going to let myself fall and be open.
On paper, he’s what I’m looking for, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, just, he’s a good person (from what I know at least, ha). I’m not a definite out. So I’m going to have to let myself be vulnerable to see how this goes. Even with my friends, I don’t tell one person everything about me. So it’s different for me to open up.
I know the following is a little weird with the timing of my last post and now, but we had a good night yesterday just relaxing at his place. I felt really comfortable. So I confirmed that we were exclusive and yeah, we are. We started touching base on Christmas gifts — which if we’ve been seeing each other for 2.5 months and Christmas is 1.5 months away, I guess that’s cool in terms of “rules”, ha ha. I’m driving him to the airport tomorrow as he’s going to be away for a couple weeks for work (yeah, maybe that is partially why I brought up the “exclusivity talk”). Feeling pretty girlfriend-y. I also made him a playlist for the flight. Hahaha, can you tell I’m living out all my high school relationship dreams right now. So I’m content 🙂
Hope you’re all having a good weekend 🙂
I got this email/newsletter from Evan Marc Katz today and I really liked what he said. I feel like a lot of LWs could use this advice. He talks mainly about chemistry but I think this applies to a lot of issues:
Dear Dre,
The other day, I had a semi-profound thought I want to share with you.
Breaking up is the MOST IMPORTANT skill you need to have in dating.
So much time is spent on how you can lose weight or color your hair or use these 7 mind-blowing sex tips, that the art of breaking up is utterly lost upon you.
I get emails from women who have stayed in relationships not just months, but YEARS too long, which only goes to reinforce my point.
Refusing to break up with the wrong guy is the single biggest reason that you find yourself single.
Just think about how different your life would look if you got out of that four-year relationship when you knew it was wrong after six months.
Just think about how many new men you could have met on OkCupid if you didn’t spend the last eight months having sex with a guy who was never your boyfriend.
Just think about how many potentially great first dates you passed up by staying committed to the man who was always a bad communicator.
Just think.
In today’s newsletter, I’m going to do something I rarely do: I’m going to address a reader question about breaking up, just to illustrate the importance of this topic.
A lot of your work is about how to get the guy; things we ladies can do to so that we have more options when it comes to dating and we don’t have to settle. My break-up question is more of the reverse: how long should we date a man that we have iffy feelings for? 3 dates? 6 weeks?
I’ve been opening myself up to meeting many different kinds of men and while I enjoy it on one hand, I feel like the majority of the men I’m dating I’m just not that into. Maybe the chemistry isn’t quite there, or the compatibility is lacking.
I have continued to meet and date other men while feeling this unsureness with some of my dates. Some of the men self-select out but others clearly want something more. How long should I give it a go?
Okay, Dre, now flip the genders and answer the question.
Let’s say an attractive man asks:
I’ve been opening myself up to meeting many different kinds of women and while I enjoy it on one hand, I feel like the majority of the women I’m dating I’m just not that into. Maybe the chemistry isn’t quite there, or the compatibility is lacking.
I have continued to meet and date other women while feeling this unsureness with some of my dates. Some of the women self-select out but others clearly want something more. How long should I give it a go?
What do you advise this nice, earnest man who wants to be open to different types, give women like you a chance, and doesn’t want to hurt anyone?
Do you tell him to take you out 3 times to see if a spark suddenly develops?
Do you tell him to spend 6 weeks on you if he feels no chemistry?
I sure don’t.
I tell him to cut you loose ASAP and move along.
But wait – doesn’t this contradict all my stuff about compatibility being just as important as chemistry? Not at all.
Listen closer:
Chemistry is vital, but it’s not going to keep your relationship alive for 40 years. You know that. You’ve lived that. You understand that, even if you don’t like it.
But even if chemistry isn’t enough to sustain a marriage by itself, it is still essential to have some chemistry in a marriage.
Why?
Because married couples (should) have sex.
If you cannot picture yourself having sex with your date, you’re not doing him any favors by allowing him to spend a few hundred dollars on you over five dates, only to be told what you knew the second you met him: “there’s no chemistry”.
Your intentions may be pure (“I’m giving him a chance!”), but ultimately, that’s disingenuous. In six weeks, you can be sure that he’ll really start to fall for you and that he’ll be totally heartbroken when you drop the bomb on him.
So how do you navigate this space with integrity and self-awareness? Simple.
If you didn’t have fun and your chemistry was below a 5-6, then email him the next day, thank him for the lovely date, and wish him the best of luck in his search.
If you did have fun on the date and your chemistry was above a 5-6, go out with him again.
When he makes the move to kiss you, go with it.
MANY women have initially assessed men as 6’s but discovered their attraction shot up to a 9 after some passionate foreplay and sustained efforts after the date.
This clear-cut formula allows you to gently let down the guys who don’t have a chance with you, and allows you to organically get to know guys where there’s at least a bit of a spark.
Once you realize there’s NO spark, that’s when you let him go.
There. In one email, you learned everything you need to know about when to give a guy a chance and when to cut him loose.
Wasting time with the wrong men has been a persistent problem for you.
Maybe you stayed because you were lonely.
Maybe you stayed because you didn’t think you could do better.
Maybe you stayed because you were in love and he used to treat you right.
But every second you’re with the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right one.
@hfantods Re: my sister’s boyfriend – yes, you are right, I thought that too. There is a lot going against this relationship right now, including some other things I don’t feel at liberty to talk about, but she has to make these decisions. My mom & I will be as supportive as we can, but I don’t think it will end happily, we’ll just say that.
Guys, I have officially been booked in my first comedy show! (As in, not an open mic!) It’s December 6th. I’m super nervous and excited. The girl producing it has offered to work with me on my material, and some of the other (male) comics have been so supportive. I went out to support them at a show on Saturday night (by myself) and one of them was super nice and said he would try to come out for my first show. 🙂
My birthday is on Thanksgiving and then it’ll be a sleigh ride into Christmas, but things are very exciting for the rest of the year!
How’s everyone else doing?
And @MissDre, that was really interesting. Thank you for posting.
I took my puppy on a playdate with three of his siblings over the weekend, and it was the cutest thing ever. They haven’t seen each other since they were separated at the city pound, and it seemed like they recognized each other!
Not much is new on my end, dating-wise. Still technically dating A.T. but he had a boatload of vacation days to use up before the end of the year so he’s taking a super long Thanksgiving break in his home state on the east coast. He’s already been at home for over a week and doesn’t come back until December. I’m talking to a new guy and I think we’ll meet up when I’m back from Thanksgiving in my hometown.
Speaking of Thanksgiving. You guys. I’m tired and so excited for a break from work. I know this is a luxury problem, but when I changed jobs last spring, I left one job and immediately started this one. I haven’t had more than a long weekend off of work since last December. So I’m pumped for a long, hopefully relaxing weekend. After that I’ll just need to make it through two crazy work weeks before I can relax again.
Oh man do you guys remember all my drama over that guy Pilot Jones?
I noticed last week that he had reactivated his fake facebook profile because he kept popping up in my People You May Know widget thingy (side note: does anyone know how to disable that?). I laughed and thought, buddy is probably back cruising Tinder again with it.
This morning he texted me!! I didn’t recognize the number (deleted his ass ages ago) but had a weird feeling about it, so I searched the number in Facebook and sure enough, his face profile comes up.
My best guess is, he’s single and has a stop over in my city, thought he’d try to reconnect. No thanks!!
