DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Well, maybe I am desperate then. 35, single, with several relationships under my belt, having sat through dozens and dozens of boring, coma-inducing, painfully socially awkward first dates and desperate to make a connection with an intelligent man who can string a sentence together and keep up with me. If that makes me desperate, then hey, I’ll own it.
Every single time I was neutral about going out with a man, it turned out to be awful. Every single time I’ve had the least bit of a flicker of “meh” or didn’t feel excited, it has never once exceeded my expectations. I’ve had times when I didn’t really feel like going out and I was glad I did because I met one of my boyfriends, but we’ve always, always developed a rapport through messaging or texting first and I was always excited to meet them. Even when I have been excited, like the guy I went out with a few weeks ago, he turned out to be not that interesting and I was done with the 6-hour date two hours in.
I am desperate too sometimes you know. I feel like I’m a loser, I’ll never meet anyone, I’ll end up alone, I wasted my time on a dead end relationship, I feel old and like my time is up and other things I’ve posted here before. The thing with being desperate is, be elegant about it. “Being elegant” about things is one of the mantras my therapist lives by, and he shows it to everyone. Being elegant means, don’t show it. Like I was mad the other day because my ex keeps bugging me, well I was elegant, he wanted to bug me, I didn’t let him. My initial reaction was tell him to eat shit but by not saying anything he knows I’m not bothered. I don’t know if all of this makes sense.
You can be desperate, most people are, I am. Just don’t let that tell the course of your actions. Definitely learn how to manage your expectations.
I am person who looks good on paper, I am fit, people tell me I’m good looking. My Tinder profile has pics of me traveling, doing fun stuff, working out. I get a lot of matches and messages when I start swiping. And I’ve had people message me that seem really eager to meet me, I mean, they are like let’s go out now, you seem awesome, etc, I don’t respond to those messages, because I feel like they’re putting a lot of pressure on me. I’m not perfect, and they think I am a match just by what they saw there. It’s not fair. It’s a lot of pressure and shows me that either they’re new to this or are terrible at managing expectations. There are ways that show interest without being intense. We need to learn those, especially in online dating
“I was done with the 6-hour date two hours in.” I truly don’t get it. Why are you spending six hours with people if you were “done” four hours prior? You’re wasting your time, you’re wasting his time. Why bother?
Anyway, I think you can want a relationship — badly, even — without being desperate. To me, being desperate is more about, like, behaving in a way that makes you seem like you have no self-respect or self-esteem. I’m at work today (on a Saturday, fun!) and wrapping up with an event I’m here for, so that’s all I have to offer at the moment.
I stuck with the date because he had driven over an hour to my city to see me and we had already made plans. It would’ve been shitty of me to be like “well I’m not feeling it, drive more than an hour back home or get dinner by yourself in a strange city because I’m peacing out.” We had spent 2 weeks talking a lot on a dating site so I felt like it would be fine, but he ended up being really boring.
Also, this dude on Instagram knows nothing about how much I am thinking about him. I didn’t email him. I didn’t tell him I Googled him, obviously. I sent him a message on Instagram and he replied, asking me about myself, and I replied back asking him more about what he told me. I don’t think that’s showing my hand or acting desperate. I didn’t ask him to meet me anywhere or tell him I wanted to go out. I’m saying all these things here because I am sharing more of myself here than with him, but I didn’t say them to him. I’m fully aware I don’t know him and it could end up nowhere – statistically it probably will end up nowhere. I do get that.
@Ale Neighbor was unfortunately flaky and, like, always hungover. So that was that. Sucks, but it is what it is. For someone I used to bump into ALL THE TIME, I actually haven’t even seen him recently. So, onto the next! I’m meeting a guy from Tinder next week who is from the same area of another state I’m from and we have some mutual acquaintances. Ive been drowning at work the past few eeeks and he was nice enough to allow me to push the first date back to next week. I guess we’ll see.
Had a nice walk on the beach and breakfast date this am. We met online a while ago and just hang out.can talk about anything or nothing at all. Guy is really nice, fun, and I just feel relaxed around him. Turns out he’s a great kisser too. After the one last week who was crazy pressuring me, this is a nice change of pace. I’m looking forward to seeing him again.
Anyone have any fun summer plans? Banjo and I went back and forth on a million different options and finally settled on a Greek island for our big trip!
Things have been going well with us, btw. I moved into his place in Feb and it has been pretty much smooth sailing living-wise – we easily share household duties, expenses, and the rest. It’s been kind of a rough few months for me health/stress-wise though – I’ve had some severe but unexplainable knee injury for going on 5 months now and after seeing 6-7 different doctors and doing 2 months of PT there is little improvement and I’m still just so confused about the whole thing. On top of that I had a pretty major exam for permanent residency of the country we live in. Banjo has been very supportive throughout it all, though, and I passed the exam! I just booked an appointment with doctor #8 so crossing my fingers for that and trying not to lose hope completely. Soooo ready for that Greek island!
Nice, @lucia_la! My boyfriend and I are also back and forth with a million options for a trip later this year. Italy (Amalfi Coast area), Switzerland, Baja California wine country…we haven’t decided yet. So far all of our vacations have been to U.S. national parks out west and they’ve been wonderful, but we’re thinking of something different this year. Plus we did do a quick Utah trip in March to Zion & Bryce.
Hi guys!
Lucia and K, your vacations (and vacation options) sound fantastic. I’m sure Greece will be amazing!
I’m actually going on a short (5 day) trip with my bf to Palm Springs at the beginning of June. It’s a short flight from where we live and we’re staying at a fancy resort. We’ve both had a hectic year so far with work and life, plus I’m taking a big exam for my job licensing at the end of May and I’m totally burned out. We’re going to visit Joshua Tree and get massages and just chill. I can’t wait!
Everyone’s trips sound like fun! I am going to San Francisco in July to see family/for a family wedding. I wanted to take a week off this month to visit my family in my home state or even have a staycation, but a couple of my coworkers were let go toward the end of March, and work got pretty crazy. It should get a little easier when the replacement for my soon-to-be-old job starts next week, but a week off is looking unlikely until at least mid-June. I’m counting down the days until Memorial Day.
@K: Check out Croatia! You will get the best of all the worlds and it’s super easy to drive and navigate there. Plus, good prices. Excellent seafood, wine, olive oil and national parks. I love it
