DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Well, I have an update – not nearly as juicy as some others but it was fun, so, here goes:
Hippie Artist Guy & I spent the weekend together: we went to see Jerry Seinfeld live and it was actually the best date* I’ve ever been on in my life. It was truly so much fun. We had dinner near the theater and walked around in the outside area near the restaurant and then the show was just fantastic. And he bought a drink at the theater (he offered to buy me one but they were super expensive so I said no) and shared it with me.
Then he spent the night and we hung out all day on Saturday, just talking and watching Netflix and playing with my dog.
*And yes, he HAS confirmed and said out loud for a fact that we ARE DATING. So yay. (Longer story that I don’t have time to type out right now, but he said it!)
All that said…STILL no kiss! He actually is very nervous to be physical at all – however he is fine when I rub his back or touch him affectionately, he really likes it, but seems like he is afraid to reciprocate. It’s almost like he has to work himself up to even touch me on the shoulder.
Anyway, we are dating and that’s enough for me, for now. This weekend was so awesome on an emotionally bonding and connection level, if not a physical one, and that’s fine by me.
So that’s great that you’re dating and you’re enjoying spending this time with him!
However, it is very very very outside the norm that he has trouble being physical with you in any way. In fact, it should be a deal breaker if your romantic partner can’t even touch you. Part of a romantic relationship is physical intimacy (doesn’t have to extend to intercourse if you are waiting until marriage, but there needs to be physical intimacy or else you are platonic). Have you talked about why this is hard for him? Is it possible he’s been abused in his past? Is he asexual? What? I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to confirm that you’re dating, without acknowledging what his issue is around physical intimacy. And I don’t think you can agree to date him or have more than a platonic relationship with him unless you know what the issue is and what it will take for there to be physical intimacy between you / if it’s even possible. You can’t agree to a relationship that lacks any physical intimacy. You have needs. You’ll have to figure out what’s going on here.
@Kate – It is possible that he has been abused, in fact I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised. He has shared some stories of his childhood/teenage years with me and every time we talk he shares more; definitely some stuff happened there. However, he hasn’t explicitly said and I would presume to say for sure.
I do know for a fact that he is not asexual. He has had several girlfriends before now.
Also, he gives me very long hugs. I know that seems lame with a capital L, but he’s not afraid to hug me. He has occasionally touched me affectionately before, once in awhile. I’d say average of 2-3 times every time we hang out. He does stand close (closer than a friend would – you know what I mean when someone is in your Personal Space).
I definitely do think I have to find out what’s up, but rushing him would push him away. I also definitely agree that I won’t agree to a relationship that lacks physical intimacy, and he has said things around wanting to be physically intimate at some point. Basically he wants to take things slowly (from, presumably, some history of his that he hasn’t shared with me yet) and that’s fine with me for now. I do have a set date by which I really want us to kiss, and if/when that time comes and it hasn’t happened yet, I’ll reassess.
I’m focusing right now on how much fun this weekend was and taking it date by date for now. 🙂
Has he had sex with women before? Does it just take him forever to get there, but he eventually does? This is so far out of the realm of what’s normal (again, I know some people are averse to using the word “normal” in relation to dating, but I feel like it’s ok and even necessary to call out things that are just… not… normal), that I feel like you owe it to both of you to have a straightforward conversation about it. If that’s going to drive him away, then he’s not boyfriend material anyway. Like just a nice chat about his approach to physical intimacy and what he’s comfortable with in terms of a progression. Do you really feel good about sitting there waiting for a kiss, as fun as he may be? What if he’s a terrible kisser, assuming you ever kiss? What if he has no interest in or ability to provide physical pleasure to a partner? I think you said you’re not sure you want kids, but I will tell you, neither do I and I humiliatingly stayed 3 long years in a dysfunctional relationship after the sex died, and part of what I told myself was that I didn’t care about getting married or having kids anyway. That really did some damage to me that I may never fully recover from. A relationship without physical intimacy is a faux-lationship that can’t really meet your needs.
I mean, in all honesty, I would not be dating this guy, but to clarify: If that’s your intention, to date him, I’d either set and *stick to* a deadline in your head, or initiate a conversation right now to find out what he really expects (now that he’s said that you’re dating). Or do both. Him talking about maybe being intimate in the future is just so out there after seeing you for months, I can’t see pretending to think that’s not weird.
@Kate Yes, he has had sex with women before.
I know the conversation needs to happen. The timing wasn’t right this weekend, and I do know it’s not normal. TBH none of the boyfriends I’ve had (a whopping 5, not counting this guy) have been “normal” in some way or another. However, I guess where I am is that he obviously has some emotional issues that I don’t have and right now I am willing to be patient. That won’t last forever, and we will have to have the conversation at least (ideally he’d just kiss me, I mean seriously) but I know it needs to happen sooner rather than later.
I don’t think I want kids (he doesn’t, either) so that’s not a goal of mine in dating, but I definitely do want a partnership – including a physical one – and I really do like him and frankly I am getting tired of not kissing him. We have so much fun together and to me it’s a very natural progression at this point. It’s not going to be much longer at least for me to bring it up.
@Kate – Oh I know, I totally get it. If we didn’t have so much fun together I would have bailed already. Thing is, I’ve been out with a couple other guys in the time we’ve been dating and they’ve been big dull duds. I won’t wait forEVER for him but right now I am willing to be patient because of how much fun we do have together, and he has (unlike several before him) confirmed we are dating and treats me with affection, despite how it sounds. Hopefully that makes sense.
You’ve been seeing him for at least (gauging by the start of this thread) two months and no kiss?
It does make sense, but it worries me. I would run away screaming from a guy who is weird about sex.
Me too, Kate, me too! I’m curious about how a relationship like this progresses from here. Is there an happy ending? Keep us posted, LadyE!
@Kate – I know it sounds ridiculous, but this is not even close to the weirdest I’ve dealt with. One ex decided he was meant to become a priest (as in, celibate) and broke up with me. One said he was asexual and felt guilty every time we made out. Another (very conservative Christian) “friend” brazenly flirted with me for 3 years before we hooked up, and after that night he hasn’t spoken to me for 2.5 years and counting. One ex was addicted to porn and wanted me to look like a porn star, otherwise he couldn’t, ahem, get there with me.
Taking it slow while having fun, bonding, and becoming emotionally close is like a breath of fresh air.
ALL that said…definitely I won’t wait forever, but I will wait a little longer because I do like him.
