DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Sorry to jump in late (I was with clients all day) but I tend to agree with everyone here. I can see wanting to take sex stuff slowly, but kissing?? That seems like a huge red flag to me. A kiss is such an important part of developing a relationship, I just CAN’T imagine going past 2-3 dates never mind 2 months. But if you’re really interested in seeing where this goes, LadyE, I would talk to him ASAP.
It’d be good to find out why he’s not interested in that yet. Just to have an idea of when it go back on the table and whether it’s something that could become a dealbreaker. Is he shy or anxious? Asexual? Just in case it IS something that might change whether they keep dating or nice, it’d be good to find out now before making more of a commitment.
The worry I would have is….what if you have zero physical chemistry? What if you’ve spent all this time building a relationship to be turned off by the way he expresses it? I mean, I’ve had some pretty horrible kisses/squeamish gut reactions and broke it off because of that. I’ve recoiled away from someone’s touch that I was previously really attracted to.
I think you should woman up and try to kiss him. If you can’t do that, you should ask him why he hasn’t.
Everyone, you are all right to a certain extend and I know it. I do really like him and we have both been on the same page with taking things slowly and getting to know each other (we met on OKCupid and exchanged a total of 4 messages before arranging to meet, very unlike me but I figured hey why not?).
Anyway, it’s been 3 months, we are definitely dating, and we have been to each others’ houses (I’ve also been to his) and we hug and snuggle and he definitely acts like we are “together” in public.
Like I said, it’s going to happen sooner rather than later or else I will cut my losses. He has expressed several times, directly and indirectly, that he really feels like two people should get to know each other well before becoming intimate which I agree with…however, at this point I really want to kiss him!
The last time I was in his neck of the woods (smaller town about 30 minutes away from the major city I live in), we were sitting at an outdoor bar and he mentioned a parking garage across the street that has a staircase to the top where we could go and watch the sunset. I said I really wanted to do that, but it was too late at that point and he said we would definitely do it another time. I’ve reiterated interest in doing that…because I think that would be the perfect place.
(And yes I know I need to put on my big girl pants and ask him about it OR just do it. I just keep chickening out.) He definitely does seem shy. But it’ll be soon, or I’ll have to MOA, I know.
Something in the situation is a bit off, especially if he’s had physical intimacy before. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say:
1. He started taking some sort of medication that affects his libido
2. He has a pattern of disengaging after physical intimacy and wants to really develop the emotional intimacy in hopes of breaking the pattern
3. He’s a relationship (possibly LDR) and considers an emotional affair not technically cheating
4. He recently converted to a religion similar to the Duggars.
5. He has a really weird penis.In my experience, most guys who refrain from showing physical affection are one of the above. I feel like the guys who had any of the above refrained from kissing altogether to resist the temptation of sex. I mean I’ve never made out with a guy who didn’t get an erection.
I think it’s fine to spend time with him if you’re having fun, but I don’t think it’s fair that for two months or so you’ve been analyzing his behavior. Of course, in my experience in this situation I typically get drunk and blurt out something along the lines of “so are you ever going to fuck me or what are we doing here?” …I’m such a lady…
Looking at this from a different angle, I don’t think it really matters whether he’s behaving ‘normally’ or not. For example, asexuality is maybe pretty rare, but it does exist, so if he’s asexual I wouldn’t say he’s not normal… maybe statistically speaking, but not in any relevant sense that matters to address this situation.
The important thing from my perspective is that, as a woman with a desire to be in a sexual relationship, you should allow yourself to go for someone who can share that with you fully, easily, and at least 99% to your satisfaction. You really deserve that. I spent some time in a sexually unfulfilling relationship (we did kiss and have sex sometimes, but the cuddle factor was pretty high), and like @Kate I feel it was really damaging to go through that. There are cool guys out there who will want to kiss you and have sex with you, I promise.
Maybe this guy will ultimately want to kiss you and have sex with you, too? Yes, maybe. But it’s already clear that it’s not a situation where it’s easy, he’s fully into it, and where you can count on being satisfied. Instead it sounds like it’ll be like pulling teeth to get a kiss from him, and you’re already sexually frustrated – before even having sex once!
Exactly. The intimacy needs to be easy and natural from the beginning. It should not be difficult to get physically or emotionally close. When it’s so hard like this it’s because something is really off, and I agree with Sas it’s unlikely to ever be ok. It’s not like one day in the near future he’s gonna plant a perfect tender kiss on you and your love life will fall into place. It’s always going to be weird and unfulfilling with this guy.
And yeah Sas, that’s why I asked if he’s asexual. Yes, this behavior would be normal for an asexual dude or a guy who’s not attracted to women. It’s NOT normal at all for a guy who claims to be dating a woman and to have had sex in his previous relationships with women. Something is off.
Haha, yes! Everyone should read it. And Mira is no nonsense. She’s like, look, you have to have these 5 things or it won’t work.
In my experience, a guy who acts weird in some way in the early stages of a relationship – and yes, for our own safety and well being, we do need to be able to call shit out as weird – you will be stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork two years down the line over that very behavior. Don’t try this at home, everybody.
That’s a direct quote from my dad. Once I was considering getting back together with my boyfriend (who behaved weirdly from the beginning). Dad said, “well, you could get back together with him… But you’ll be stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork in a couple years.” (months? Can’t remember. guess what? He was right on!
It’s also totally possible he had sex with his ex girlfriends but is still asexual. I wouldn’t draw any positive conclusions from the fact that he has had sex with women in the past. How many people are there who have had lots of unsatisfying sex they didn’t really enjoy, or sex with the gender they’re not attracted to?
Basically, in the early stages of dating, you (general you) get a lot of information about the person you’re involved with. And you need to take it seriously because the problems you see usually don’t go away. This has proven true in every single relationship I’ve been in. In every case I took note of some potential problems at the beginning, and lo and behold, they turned out to to still matter later on. In some cases they were minor issues I was able to live with, in other cases they were ignored deal breakers. But I always knew about them a few months (or even a few weeks) into dating.
Yeah, many asexual people have sex sporadically or even often at first in newer relationships before it tapers off, so that doesn’t necessarily indicate he is not asexual. Also if he is asexual, it isn’t a big deal in general but probably will be to the Lady E– that said, it has only been 3 months, the Lady E is comfortablish in this situation, and happy, and knows she needs to address it sooner than later. I do hope he makes a move soon so you don’t have to address it @the lady e, but even if he doesn’t, the way he responds to that conversation will tell you about as much about him as the prior three months have. Either way, good luck and enjoy this now! I would go in to the talk hopeful and confident, not scared or nervous (if that is possible).
