DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Thank you all for your input & advice. Reading back over my posts, I made several typos so I hope you all don’t think I’m illiterate! My apologies.
Interestingly, I did date a man for almost a year who claimed he was asexual. We had chemistry the moment we met and fell into a physical relationship within a couple of weeks, but months into the relationship he pulled away and refused to touch me. Yes, that was very damaging, especially because at that point I was in love with him. I think I’ve been looking at this situation as the opposite of that…
There is another option: I know that Hippie Artist Guy thinks I am a “goody goody” and thinks that I’m way less experienced than I am. He has kind of hesitantly asked around that subject trying to figure out my experience level. I’ve tried to assure him that I am not that innocent, but sharing history like none of my exes drank alcohol, for example (he does, thank goodness, cause so do I) haven’t helped my case.
For what I can see, it’s a combination of a) nerves, b) thinking I’m really sheltered, and c) wanting to be respectful and form a close emotional bond first.
That being said, it is really going to need to happen soon.
TheLadyE, your second to last paragraph makes sense as the only possible positive-ish interpretation of the situation. I hope it’s the right one.
If you do feel that he thinks it’s that you are not ready, then it probably would be a good idea for you to make the move then.
Or *talk to him* about it. And if that’s really what’s going on with him, i.e., HE’s all about making out but thinks YOU are shy/inexperienced, then just let him know that’s not so much the case and you’re ready to start taking this to a more physical level.
Seriously, if it’s really that simple, an easy convo is going to fix it.
I kind of don’t think it is that simple though, in which case trying to plant one on him without any discussion might not be a good idea at this point.
I’ve thought about saying “So are you ever gonna kiss me?” but that just sounds a little…direct.
It’s like, not direct enough. Because there’s this elephant in the room that needs to be discussed.
There have also been about 5 times that I’ve almost just gone for it and planted one on him but I’ve always chickened out. We did some day drinking at my house on Saturday and then we were sitting close on the couch waiting for Chinese food, and I just thought…I could do it now but what if it’s not what he wants and then we have to sit through this awkward meal together?
And then the doorbell rang.
I know, super lame.
LadyE: you dated a guy for almost a YEAR who claimed to be asexual? Was he claiming that from the very beginning or only at the end and that’s why you broke up with him? Because I think it’s really telling for someone who claims NOT to be asexual to get serious with someone who IS. Like, if someone I was interested in told me he was asexual, I’d be all “buy-bye” right away, as would anyone who wants a normal and healthy sexual/physical relationship.
That relationship coupled with the fact that you’ve been in numerous relationships with guys whom you describe as weird when it comes to the physical side of the relationship indicates that YOU are different in that area, too. Which is fine. If you’re asexual and this guy is asexual, then you could be a perfect match. But if you aren’t aexual and eventually do want a sexual relationship with Hippie guy, then I see a couple of problems here.
The first one is the one everyone’s talking about — this guy is off and probably will always be off. If he hasn’t kissed you after three months, I don’t see how he’s going to just kiss you tomorrow and then, boom, everything is great physically. No, there’s something wrong in the picture and here you are developing this intense emotional connection when you have zero signs that the physical part is going to fall into place or be a match and so when you learn that it probably won’t fall into place, I think there’s a very strong possibility you will be heartbroken like you were with the asexual boyfriend (WHY are you repeating this pattern?!).
2. And that brings me to the second problem: there’s something off with you. I’m sorry if that’s insensitive, but I can’t think of a gentler way to say it. There’s a pattern here in the guys you choose to get very attached to and, as Kate said earlier, you are the common denominator. Why do you continue pursuing men who show absolutely zero interest in your physically? Are you afraid of sex? Think you don’t deserve it? Do you have a traumatic past that is affecting things? Obviously, these are not question you need to answer here — I’m simply asking rhetorical questions you should ask yourself or, better yet, ask with the guidance of a therapist. Because, yes, there’s most definitely something “off” here as everyone keeps saying and it’s not just with Hippie guy. Anyone who isn’t asexual herself and would choose to date an asexual man for a whole year, get her heart broken, and then date a guy for three months who hasn’t even kissed her yet, has some issues that need to be addressed. Maybe it boils down to you not being honest with yourself, and maybe you’re asexual, too. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is here, but I do know that until you address these issues — YOUR issues, not just his — that you won’t have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, with Hippie guy or anyone else.
No, I think the “what if it’s not what he wants” thought that you had was your gut talking and it was probably correct. If you’re having thoughts like that, you’re probably right. If he was into kissing you, you’d feel that openness from him and it wouldn’t be that hard to lean in and make a move or talk to him.
Yeah, and I’m sorry but if a kiss “is not what he wants” after three fucking months together, then YOU aren’t what he wants. And you need to know that yesterday and MOA.
Like, let me tell you what it looks like when a guy wants to kiss you but just has nerves: He gets close to you, touches you, leans in, puts his hand on your head or something, looks at you a certain way. If he’s a virgin and 20 years old, maybe he even throws up. You KNOW he wants you but is nervous. And this is usually on the first handful of dates. As soon as you both have a few drinks you’ll be making out like bandits.
