DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Thank you for your response, Wendy. I’m certainly not going to hijack this thread & talk about my issues, but I will definitely take what you said to heart.
It’s difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that I could be screwed up when it comes to sex, but obviously it’s something I need to think about. I’m definitely not asexual, but I also really associate sex with love/an emotional connection and for me that connection has to come first.
My first experience with a physical relationship (first boyfriend at 17) resulted in him cheating on me with multiple girls, and I do think it’s that I don’t believe I deserve it. In fact, I can say that for certain.
Anyway, thank you all…I will keep you updated. Hippie Artist Guy is not without his own issues but I know I need to work on mine as well, for sure.
I’m sorry that happened to you, TheLadyE. Don’t underestimate what that first experience could have done to your soul. Especially bringing religious guilt into the mix, if you have that going on too. You very likely do have a subconscious feeling that you don’t deserve a loving, committed, physical relationship. Or it’s scary to you because it could so suddenly turn into heartache like it did when you were 17, so you avoid it.
If you’re looking to establish an emotional connection first, maybe your quest to find guys who don’t pressure you for sex immediately has led you towards guys who are not interested in sex at all? Of course those build a subcategory of guys who won’t expect sex immediately, but they’re the wrong subcategory for you. What you need is a guy who is cool with waiting to have sex although he ultimately wants it. Maybe dating in a church environment would work well, if that’s your thing.
LadyE: I don’t really have much to add (others have said so many wise things already!) but I just want to say that you seem like a really sweet person. And I am totally rooting for you- I just want you to get what you want!
I completely disagree that you need to wait to sleep with a man to develop an emotional connection. Why as women do we have we have to use sex as a weapon to get a relationship. I have plenty of girlfriends who have slept with guys on the first date and gone on to marry those same guys. The issue isn’t sleeping with the man too soon, it’s with sleeping with and dating the wrong men. And that starts with us as women. It’s up to us to choose to be with men who will treat us right and not be so quick to let them get close to us emotionally until they show that they are good guys. Make them work for it. We as women have power too. Own it. I’m not saying go sleep around. Do whatever you are comfortable with. Just don’t forget that the only one holding the key to your heart is you, so if you are constantly getting stomped on, look with in to find out why you are hurting yourself. – currently only great guys after getting screwed over by a jerk
I don’t think anyone is saying everyone has to wait to sleep with someone. Just that some people prefer to wait. There’s nothing wrong either decision, as long as you are happy with it. Everyone learns at what point in a relationship they are most comfortable having sex. There are times when people do sleep with someone too soon for them.
Y’all, I have a first date on Friday, and I’m really excited about it! I spent the last couple of months bouncing around the state and going through some emotional shit with finishing grad school and breaking up with my long-term boyfriend right around the same time (and other challenges). But I’m finally settled now in a city, living with and near very close friends. I know I’m going to be here for at least a few more months, hopefully permanently, so I feel like I’m in a good place right now.
Lovely- You seem to be saying that waiting to have sex is using it as a “weapon” to get a relationship, but at the same time you believe that in regards to emotional intimacy, men should have to “work for it”. That seems contradictory to me. Either you believe women steer the ship and should hold back on men to get what they want, or you don’t. I don’t really believe that, in that I don’t believe in outright manipulation and I think the whole cat and mouse chase takes focus off of who the person really is in front of you. I think it is good to wait for sex if it makes you feel more emotionally intimate prematurely, ie. before you really know someone, or if your culture or beliefs are that you should wait.
@HmC I think people should just do what they want and not be so hyperfocused on when is the right time to have sex. I understand that is often easier said than done as I have struggled with it myself. It’s an individual choice and a choice for the couple. It’s not for me or anyone else to say what is right or wrong. Do what makes you happy. Wait, don’t wait, it doesn’t matter. Everyone is different. Yes. I do think women should empower themselves more often since women constantly take passive roles in their own sex lives. I’m not pointing fingers at any one person. I’m just saying it’s ok to liberate yourself. And the cat and mouse game is all good and fun as long as it’s done with good intentions and not manipulation.
