DW Community Catch-up Thread
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He sounds inexperienced in dating to me. IDK. You say you’ve known him for awhile, so hopefully you can judge whether he’s socially inept vs. nervous/awkward from inexperience. I’d be more forgiving of the latter.
My first serious boyfriend was insecure and that was definitely a recurring issue for us, so I can understand why it’s off-putting.
Ultimately your call. If you’re unsure, a second date is still low investment. If you have a bad gut feeling, walking away now is fine, too.
So, we went on a second date and ended up hooking up again. But this time there was no insecurity. He told me that he was very nervous the first time because I was a longtime crush. I wanted to keep sex off the table and follow your advice but there is just a lot of sexual chemistry. I’ve never been one to sleep with someone on the first date, I always wait until I’m sure but this guy makes me feel different. Anyways, I told him that I’m not ready for relationship talk and he agreed that it was too soon. I’m glad I gave him another chance.
I just dropped my husband off at the airport after his first visit in four months. It was difficult, we didn’t feel as connected as usual which is probably due to how long it had been. Little things annoyed me like he’d been promising for ages to take over all the housework for the week to give me a break (he lives in a small room with a maid service) and yet the house is a mess, I have twice as much work to do now that he’s gone. Normally it wouldn’t be such a big deal but the whole thing felt like a bit of a let down and coming home and looking at the state of the house stung a bit.
I’m sorry Ange, that hurts. He’s in the military? What’s the game plan? Are you thinking you’ll keep living apart indefinitely while he gets stationed different places so that you can keep a consistent job? Or is this more temporary? Is there consistently enough good to outweigh the bad? If housework isn’t his thing, does he bring enough else to the table? Is a cleaning service (for you) an option? But even so, I think it’s more the promise he made and didn’t deliver that’s the issue for you. I don’t know how to handle that when you’re not together consistently to work on it, but there must be relationship tactics you could apply. Unless it’s like, he always makes promises and doesn’t deliver, and it’s bigger than the cleaning.
We have a woman who comes once a month, and it helps a lot. It makes it really easy to keep things looking good in between, and not to have to do things like deep clean the bathroom or vacuum the furniture. At the same time, my husband and I both keep the place clean, not just one of us.
But yeah, is it really just the cleaning and housework, or is it a bigger thing about reliability, or what?
It’s definitely more about the promise than the cleaning. Our flat is small so it’s not too hard to clean but it takes a lot of cleaning with two indoor cats, three litter trays and white tile on the floor. He knew that so when he said to not worry about it I was so glad for a break, usually I’m vacuuming every day and running around cleaning up after cats but he didn’t really do much at all. When he did he didn’t do it properly, like only changed two litter trays or left whiskers glued to the sink or pulled the whole ‘don’t do it I’ll do it later’ and it never happened. It felt more like a symptom of the disconnect.
He is military, he got a posting to a really shitty area that I couldn’t move to if I ever wanted a job and after 4 moves in 5 years I was just done scratching around for work so he went (he kind of had to as it came with a promotion). So far it’s been just over a year and it’s a three year posting. I’m hoping to move a bit closer back to where we used to live this year but it’s still a decent distance. Usually when we catch up it’s great but I think it had been too long and it was only a week together and I was kind of mad about the mess. I did tell him so but I don’t think it registered, usually he’s really clean so again it didn’t feel like everything clicked right. Plus you don’t really want to get mad when you have so little time together but I also didn’t want to be resentful even though it kind of ended up that way anyway.
Ale I’m so glad it turned out well! It sounds like you can at least get to know him better and see what happens.
And that sucks Ange. I hope you two are able to rationally talk it out and see what you can figure out together.
@Ale I’m also glad it turned out well! The insecurity and early relationship talks weren’t great, but yeah, nerves sometimes get the better of us. As an aside, the immediate relationship talks remind me of how I navigated relationships when I was younger. Like my first LTR, I met the guy when I was like 20 and we didn’t have a casual dating period; we met in school and were friends for a year or so, then became an item. Anyway, you’ll have to let us know how things progress.
Thanks guys. Freakishly after putting all that out in the universe he called me yesterday as he’s been offered a posting back to the city I’m looking to move back to next year. It’s a break tenure posting which is very unusual and we have to cross everything they sign off on it. We’ve been burned before so I’m trying not to get my hopes up but it would be such a nice after so much rotten luck.
Ok I have another interesting question RSVP related.
Bringing a +1 to a destination wedding
My thoughts were – if I’m inviting someone to be my +1 to a wedding I’m going to cover their expenses. Hotel (no additional expense for me if I’m already getting one), a rental car (no additional expense for me if I’m already getting one) and I would pay for their airfare if it’s out of state. When FMH and I were dating, I did this for several out of state events. If I wanted him there, I was going to get him there. If I couldn’t afford to get him there I would let him know that I couldn’t do it and I would attend solo. If he could pay his own way to come if I couldn’t, awesome. But I would NEVER ask him for money. If I wanted him there, it was up to me to make it happen.
Several people have said that if they ask a +1 to attend an out of state wedding they expect that +1 to cover their share of the expenses. Half the hotel, half the car, and the full flight cost of the +1. This, in their statements, applied to bringing a friend, a significant other, or just a date. This statement has come from males and females.
Am I in the minority? I don’t have money to be throwing around, but I didn’t think it should be a financial burden on someone else.
I think it depends on a whole bunch of factors and is totally situational. I don’t disagree that if you’re dragging someone to some lame destination that they’re only going to for you, it’d be good to cover their expenses, but there’s no rule.
I know it’s not a rule but I couldn’t imagine asking someone to go and then expecting them to pay. But I was talked about like *I* was the silly one. Just interested in knowing that I am the odd one.
I have been learning a lot during this wedding process. We are officially 43 days away. I can’t fucking wait to get it over with. I’m chasing down 30 RSVP’s still. Not to shabby for a could weeks before the deadline.
