DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I know, it’s so hard to imagine my boyfriend being anything other than happy if I out-earned him. I currently don’t, but might one day. I’m not even EVP successful. I’m “has a decent job” successful. I mostly got surprised comments about being able to afford a one-bedroom by myself when I lived in Lincoln Park or I’d notice they’d start to overcompensate or puff when I mentioned a higher degree. One guy from my 20s decided to bring up his SAT scores — he told me he couldn’t even tell me what the score was, they were THAT high and he didn’t want to brag. He was in his 30s. Like a decade into his career. LOL! I believe I heard this on a podcast, but can’t quite remember, where some women experimented with how many men messaged them on dating sites if they changed their job titles from something high-powered/prestigious-sounding to something more ordinary. The more ordinary, the more messages and matches.
This is helpful just to gauge though I know everybody is different! We keep our finances separate right now. We deposit into a joint account our mortgage and utilities. I think with retirement/investments I want to work together or have a plan together for our own accounts.
I mostly didn’t want my profession to be super obvious because if you google my first name, profession and city you will find me.
Hope you feel better @copa, COVID or not.
I was happy to let most of the insecure men weed themselves out. I think plenty of men think they want an ambitious woman until they actually are out with one and then feel like less of a man or whatever it is? IDK, I never understood. I once had a guy from one of the apps find me on FB and message me on there asking me to give him a chance — he acknowledge we hadn’t matched but felt if we just got to know each other I’d see he was oh-so-great — so I get it, safety is no joke.
And yeah, everyone does what works for them as a couple. We don’t quite share home expenses 50/50 because he out-earns me by a little bit. The split feels fair. I work fewer hours so do a bit more of the housework (specifically the cooking). I’m sure we’d revisit if anything significant changed.
When the husband and I first started talking marriage, he asked if I’d consider a prenup. I said sure. It didn’t bother me. He never brought it up again. I think he was burned a little in the first marriage (he doesn’t talk about it) and he wanted to gage my reaction.
Copa I remember an article that I read yeeeeears ago in Aus where a woman set up several dating profiles. One she dressed in a business suit with glasses, others were like sporty or outdoorsy or whatever. The one that got the most responses was her with cutesy hair hugging a teddy bear, the suit one got none at all. It was actually pretty creepy about the teddy bear but the suit one was quite illuminating as well. She was smiling in it, not severe looking or anything but men didn’t want a bar of it.
I don’t think much has changed, far too many men are threatened by a successful (or at least successful appearing) woman.
We have shared an account for the last 8-9 years because after the first baby, I wasn’t working. (The kid is 8.5 now.) When my savings dwindled, I had to become completely dependent on my husband. I closed almost all of my personal accounts.
I have a separate accounts now, but he handles all the bills and everything because he’s better at it.we discuss money all the time, and in front of the kids. He pays for most the big bills because he makes over twice what I do. I’m kind of hoping I can take the lead, and slowly make career gains and let the old man take a little step back in some time. That’s my secret goal.
I think it’s cool this is being discussed in the forums, because we should talk about this stuff.
Also LadyE, so sorry to hear about your health issues, but glad to hear you got a better job and are managing it all well, despite the setbacks and struggles.
Drew handles all the money stuff, which I’m really grateful for because I’m bad at that stuff. We have retirement funds and investments and a financial advisor he speaks with quarterly to help manage all that. Then, we have two shared savings and checking accounts that we each have access to but one is his and one is mine. We can easily transfer money between the two, and do on occasion. My income has varied greatly over the past 12 years since I became self-employed, so what I contribute to has also varied, but in flush years, my income has paid for all the groceries, childcare, house cleaning every two weeks, some vacations, and most of my “fun” expenses (drinks with friends, concert tickets, etc), and maintenance (like haircuts). In less flush years, like since the pandemic started, just house cleaning and my personal expenses.
I’ve always thought of myself as a self-employed part-time worker and basically a full-time SAHM. Between professional house cleaning every two weeks, I do 95% of the cleaning, most of the laundry, most of the cooking, and tedious things like cleaning out the kids’ closets (getting rid of clothes they’ve outgrown, buying new clothes) and maintaining their social and extracurricular schedules. Since Drew started working from home two years ago, he pitches in a bit more around the house and with the kids (he’s so active with the kids). We feel like we’re in a really good place as far as division of labor and expenses. Drew working from home has been a game-changer for us. He saving 7 1/2 hours each week not commuting anymore. It’s wonderful. But, he would be fucking psyched if I suddenly started making a lot of money. I can’t imagine that will ever happen with my skills set, but he would be 100% on board.
@Ange – Ew! That’s so gross! But a few years ago there was a different article that had polled online dating users and found that women’s desirability peaks at 18. Which, again, ew. I know that’s not all about looks, but I think I look better in my 30s than I did in my teens and most of my 20s.
Also re: threatened men, an ex I dated while I was in school, we went to the same college and grad school, same programs. In grad school, the insecurity/jealousy (or whatever it was) started coming out when I started slightly outperforming him in most areas. At one point I got an academic award and he told me that getting the award didn’t make me smart. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in like 10 years at this point, but I heard from mutual connections that he married a therapist and for some reason that made me LOL. Like yeah, he did need one of those.
I’d be on-board with a pre-nup. One of my aunts had a divorce so contentious that it took like five or six years to finalize. By the time they were done fighting about everything, there was no money left. I also have a friend whose now-ex husband didn’t want her to have a dime (it was his money, he said, not theirs) and got pretty nasty during their divorce. It’s rational minds deciding the rules to play by if things don’t work out. I’d rather pick my rules than default to the state’s.
Speaking of division of labor, has anyone else watched the documentary Fair Play? I follow some accounts that talk a lot about household equity on TikTok and knew it was a book from that, but didn’t realize it was a documentary as well. We watched it a month or so ago.
Was there somebody here who had someone reach out to them on LinkedIn? Ick.
Honestly because we are making the same amount, if his salary increased significantly, I’d at first feel a tad jealous only out of my own insecurity of where I am at in my career. But, no, I am glad we all here have supportive partners.
Last night I broke a glass and he got out the vacuum. We do laundry together. I dust more but mostly because visible dust bugs me haha.
I feel lucky as he works from home now. so he will tend to have dinner ready when I get home. It’s mostly reheating leftovers or pasta but it’s nice. I did make a ten minute dinner I was v proud of lol: pan fried sole fillet with capers (but sub any white fish) and broccoli in air fryer.
I think how we organize finances might change if we have children as it all would r a joint expense.
Also the teddy bear thing is really ick. But also if a man were in suit in online dating he’d probably get more matches.
@hfantods Are you guys in the same field? The ex I mentioned, we had one overlapping major in college and then went into the same post-grad program. We had similar interests, strengths, and career goals. I never thought I was smarter, but I thought (and still think) I had more drive. Had we not been so similar in so many ways, I don’t know that he would’ve gotten competitive. I was probably comparing us at the time, too. Since then, I’ve not really felt a need to compare myself to anyone I’ve dated. I think the most I felt in dating was a little embarrassed of my lower salary in my mid-20s, but I never actually shared a dollar amount with anyone until my now-bf.
No, totally different field. I’m not sure why. Maybe because we do have very similar salaries now. I don’t compare ourselves, like, at all. I love celebrating his successes and him, me.
