At odds about church
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Your husband doesn’t respect you. The sex thing right after child birth…come on! He doesn’t respect you at all. He doesn’t care for your wellbeing. He actively chooses to side with his mother and her wants above yours, and above what you agreed upon. He chooses her over your marriage. He chooses his pleasure over your body’s health. How fucked up is that?
You should demand counseling, but honestly, I don’t see this changing, or getting better. It almost seems like they are trying to publicly show you are a cold, uncaring mother who doesn’t even attend her own child’s first birthday. This is not a misunderstanding. He planned and executed your sons FIRST birthday without you.Call a divorce lawyer.
Honestly, I think him trying to guilt you into having postpartum sex with him before a doctor’s ok is divorce level fucked-upness. Everything else you’re talking about is a nail in the coffin.
He and his mom are master manipulators. I’m not quite sure who’s really pulling the strings, but she has an intrusive hold on him and he’s manipulating/emotionally abusing you. I’m also not sure why you are mostly focusing on the ceremony and aren’t more angry about the birthday party. And the rest of it… before and after birth… I’m sorry, but that’s not how a loving, considerate husband behaves. Regardless and again. Counseling and boundaries if you want this to work. But he has to want it too.
The movie Hush with Gwenyth Paltrow and Jessica Lange popped into my head just now while reading this thread. Although the husband turned out alright in that film. The MIL, not so much.
You feel manipulated, because you’ve been severely manipulated. Your beliefs have been totally ignored. Your husband willfully deceived you so that his mother could get what she wanted. You were expected to stand up before her congregation and renounce your own beliefs. Your husband then gaslighted you after the event. He may be a good son, but he’s an awful husband. You do need to think about the possibility of ending the marriage. The way you have been treated is totally demeaning and dismissive and some of the other treatment, around your pregnancy, was outright abusive.
I’ve started to really, really, realize in the past few days that this is pretty far gone. It’s SO HARD when you’re in it though to know when to quit. Things have been “just okay” for a long while, and some of this crap he pulls has been normalized. I’m not a dumb person, but this confusion sure makes me feel dumb. The gaslighting makes me feel wrong all the time. I’m always second guessing myself. I try to always be fairly reasonable and kind, but when I’m with him I don’t feel like I’m either. Sometimes it takes outsiders to give you that shake.
This a time to look at actions & ignore the occasionally reassuring words(nice stuff). The actions is where the real stuff you have worry about is happening. His actions say he wants everything to go his way and he doesn’t care about you. Seriously, physically recover and then time to decide on your future. Because if he does the manipulative etc stuff to you who is a grown up woman, then he will have no compunction about doing to this your son. Limit the damage & move on. Sorry to break this to you. Hard to hear, bright RED FLAGS are flying.
Do not feel dumb! This can happen to anyone. Seriously. It’s also hard to see because it’s not physical abuse and so you can shrug it off with a “this is how he is.”
I once dated a manipulative man. My therapist and I talked a lot about the relationship and finally during one session, she asked if I ever looked up emotional abuse. She suggested I do so, I did and I finally realized how bad that relationship was for me. I suggest that to you now. Look it up. See how you react to the questions being asked.
You want to be emotionally healthy for your son. You don’t want him growing up thinking this behavior exhibited by his dad is ok. And I still think this MIL is one nasty (i’ll use that word here) piece of work.
It’s not about your intelligence. It’s like you’re a frog in slowly boiling water, you don’t realise you’re in trouble until it’s too late. Slowly you have been introduced to his ‘normal’. But you’ve been given a peek in to your future. Move on & I honestly wouldn’t inform him of your plans until it’s a done deal.
The whole party thing seems like a set up for a divorce lawyer, honestly. If you have texts or emails proving what happened, you need to save that crap. Call a divorce lawyer ASAP. If you are unable to because of your health, could you get a trusted family member helping you? I’m so sorry you are going through all of this at the same time.
And you have the disadvantage of always being double-teamed by your husband and his mother. This last stuff went down when you were sick and not able to fully defend yourself. Where is your family in all of this? By living so tied up to his mother, her church, etc. you put yourself at their mercy. You need to tell your husband in counseling what you need if this marriage is to continue. You have to have an equal say in this marriage and how your child is raised and a more than equal say in how you live your own life. Your husband has to honor the commitments and agreements he made with you.
You need distance from his mother — emotional as well as physical. Your husband needs to grow the hell up, learn and practice honesty and the personal honor/integrity to stick to agreements. He needs to respect the woman he married.
I agree with everyone (minus Janelle) so I don’t have too much else to add.
This is going to sound harsh, yet I’m hoping to help you see through the fog of how you are being manipulated: Why on earth does his mother have any say in how you parent your child, especially as it pertains to something so personal like religious belief? You are the mother. She is not. She doesn’t get a vote.
ETA: What Ron just said.
Whoa! I don’t have a ton to add here, except that I agree with what everyone is saying about how no, you’re not crazy/in the wrong here, and to echo that you need therapy (individual and couples). I was fairly shocked to read about how he was treating you during/after pregnancy — to me, that was worse to read about than the religious ceremony. He doesn’t sound like a good father, imho, and he certainly doesn’t sound like a good husband. I wouldn’t want to raise a kid with someone like this.
Anyway, mostly chiming in to say that I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like a lot, and it sucks.
