BF's Neighborhood – NOT PC
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I am glad you are receptive to getting therapy. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and I know that taking that first step is really, really hard, especially when there are obstacles with insurance. Google your city + free counseling or mental health services, there are so many resources out there that will either connect you directly with low-cost therapy or will gladly help you find the correct resources for your needs. Force yourself to do it, find a way to make an appointment, you can be happier and healthier if you get help.
I hope you also take some time to reflect on what people are saying about your attitude toward the ‘racial tensions’ in your city. You say you’re not ignorant, but you keep saying ignorant things, apparently not even realizing why they are offensive. Even if you mean well, there are a lot of factors that make a neighborhood unsafe and I think your anxieties and prejudices are probably pretty apparent to the people around you. Please do make an effort to get to know some neighbors, and stop assuming the worst of people. Being afraid of everyone who looks at you won’t even help you if you encounter real danger, you won’t know a real threat if you are threatened by everyone.
Mimosa, I hope your BF doesn’t become victim of a crime but honestly — criminals can poach on you anywhere so the best he can do is take reasonable precautions. Lock the front door, dude!! It’s entirely possible you’ll be robbed in your family’s driveway or at the mall before he is on his street. You can’t make him feel fear if he doesn’t. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker was very useful to me in learning to evaluate an uncomfortable situation versus a dangerous one. It may be your BF has evaluated the encounters you describe as not dangerous and he’s probably right.
I get what everyone is saying about Mimosa and I understand that people are really getting offended, but honestly, when describing a situation about safety and how she wants to be clear about the factors she’s concerned with, I don’t understand the need for her to censor or “be PC”
If she just said it’s sketchy and unsafe, it doesn’t really fully describe the race thing, which she clearly sees as a huge factor (and honestly, it probably is let’s be honest and all get off our high horses here)
Really, what is the point for her to cater to soft ears in this circumstance. People need to learn how to get a grip and stop being offended by every little thing.
I think even the “checking in” you’re referring to is a bit much, too. I’d just talk to my boyfriend as often as I normally talked to him. I don’t think you necessarily need to check to see if he is alive every time he goes out. If he turns his phone off or goes to sleep, and doesn’t answer, what would you do anyway? Giving in to the urge to check up on him seems like it’s just going to feed your fears because you’re not going to be able to relax until you know he’s OK. I’d echo therapy because they have good tactics for how to handle these kind of thoughts and anxieties.
Eh, I think many of you are being hilariously obtuse and holier than thou in your postings. Look, if I ran around town loudly proclaiming “Black homies going into the Starbucks” or whatever, I don’t see how that couldn’t be CORRECTLY viewed as pointedly racist. Same as if I said, to random members of minorities at the gas station — “Dawg, you can’t go to school around here, so what is up, yo?”
Mimosa, you say “race is a known factor of many crimes in my BF’s neighborhood.” What does that mean? This entire thread you’ve never stated that there are hate crimes in the neighborhood, and that crimes are committed against white people solely because they’re white. You just keep saying it’s a factor and then throw in examples of prejudice you’ve experienced. But you never actually state HOW it’s a factor. You’re so nonspecific. Which is why to me, you seem to be implying that because the neighborhood is all black it is cause for you to be afraid for your boyfriend’s safety.
Calling a white person, a white person or a black person, a black person or a Native American, a Native American, isn’t racist. That’s what they are. Calling someone homie, cracker, or whatever other disrespectful racial term you want can be considered racist depending upon who is saying it.
Was that ‘NOT PC’ disclaimer in the title there from the start? Oh man, I think there are more problems with this post than how a grown man chooses to get home.
Upon re-reading that came out harsher than intended. Mim0sa I actually think you’re a nice person (and I’m really enjoying your post in the general thread) but if you have to say something isn’t PC well, it’s problematic.
Gotta agree with BGM.
Of course the words ‘white’, ‘black’ and ‘asian’ or whatever are not in themselves racist, but quite clearly the context was. For someone to randomly point out a marker of difference where none is called for, be it ‘gay’ or your perceived ethnicity, signals that the group/person doing the calling out does not consider you part of their group and is exclusionary behaviour, and is thus threatening to the person subjected to such random comments. If someone said ‘hey Chinese girl’ to me for no reason whatsoever when I’m minding my own business buying a f’ing coffee, I would perceive that as aggressive with racist overtones. If you’re in a minority group, a random call-out like that would definitely make you wary about the caller’s intentions, even if it doesn’t escalate beyond that.
And the thing is, incidents like this make up systemic racism, so yeah, not cool to dismiss mim0sa’s experience, guys.
Oh in relation to the original question, I can relate to being upset with seemingly oblivious guys intent on risking their safety. I once got quite upset with a Canadian friend who had lived in London for a couple of years already, but who seemed positively careless about applying some general common sense while out and about. We were going out one night to an area known for gangs and postcode violence when I overheard the lad in front of us in the bus arranging to badly beat up another boy, which definitely put me on edge. After he got annoyed with me for being upset, he then pulls out a mobile phone whilst we were walking past a big group of youths, which I pointed out wasn’t too smart. And he explained himself by saying that they wouldn’t do anything to him because he clearly wasn’t worth robbing. As if youths doing stupid and aggressive things were always rational in their behaviours! I remember being pretty annoyed with him. All this just to say, I get it, but yeah, sorry, all you can do is hope nothing does happen to him.
