Can’t forget my ex – even though I know we need to be apart
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Posted here yesterday about how my manipulative ex texted me a long apology that he asked me not to respond to saying sorry for the wrong he did in our relationship and how he was sorry for indirectly hurting me. Our relationship started off as an amazing connection where I felt so understood but I found out from his ex about his horrible treatment of her which turned me off considerably because it was red flag stuff like cheating, emotional abuse, on and off relationship with her, and it looked like she suffered from isolation from her friends because of their relationship too. I asked him about this and he admitted it was all true.
I broke it off with him because I didn’t want to always wonder about those things and because I didn’t think I could be with someone who treated another person that way. I’m not perfect but it seemed pretty bad. I told him that I needed space and that I would get back to him when I felt it right to do so. He didn’t respond well to that but gave me some space. He ended up going back to her but kept texting me sporadically in the meantime. I did respond cordially and always positively.
He would make vague posts on social media about how much he missed our relationship and he would reach out through instagram DMs when I posted things that seemed to also touch on our relationship. He even messaged me saying he was getting the help he needed for us, in case I ever wanted him back. Keep in mind he is still with his ex while saying this and probably telling her similar things. I told him I was happy for him and also working on myself.
Recently his ex found one of these random texts and reached out to me telling me to stay away from him because she thought I was trying to get back together with him. I explained to her the context of the text and we just never spoke again after that.
Then my ex, the guy, sent me a text a few days after this, explaining that he should have been clear with her about our communication and that he is sorry she reached out. He told me he would stop contacting me. I never responded. A week later, he contacted me again saying sorry for all of the hurt he caused and how I will always be in his mind, that he wishes me well, and that he wishes everything could have been better with us and how he regrets everything he did to hurt me and intrude in my life, and how he still loved what felt right with us, and how he meant everything he said (like “I love you”) etc. etc. etc. this is the text I posted about yesterday. I also have not responded to that message. It was sent via email after I blocked him everywhere else.
I know I should not be with this person and if I ever were to pick up again, that it would be a very difficult relationship. I want to focus on myself but it’s hard to forget the good times and the feelings I had for him, since they were so intense. I also feel bad for him because I know I walked away initially and that he had a hard time with it. I know that sounds messed up but I don’t like hurting people I care about. How do I finally close the book on this? I am done ruminating but still can’t seem to stop.
It’s understandable to feel conflicted and to still have strong emotions about your past relationship, even if you know deep down that it’s not a healthy or sustainable situation for you. It’s important to remember that you have the power to make choices that prioritize your own well-being and to set clear boundaries for yourself.
One thing that might be helpful is to remind yourself of the reasons why you chose to end things with your ex in the first place. You recognized that his behavior towards his ex was a major red flag, and it’s important to trust your instincts and your own standards for how you want to be treated in a relationship. It’s also worth noting that even if your ex is expressing remorse now, it doesn’t erase the harm that he caused in the past, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that he has truly changed his ways.
It might also be helpful to find ways to focus on your own personal growth and well-being. This could include engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family members, or seeking out therapy or counseling to help process your emotions and develop coping strategies.
Finally, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to take your time and to set boundaries that work for you. If you feel like you need more space or if you’re not ready to engage with your ex at this time, that’s perfectly valid. You deserve to prioritize your own well-being and to make choices that feel right for you.
I think I’m having a hard time validating to myself whether I made the right choice in walking away initially.
You ended things with him, so he immediately got back together with his ex (who it sounds like reached out to you to tell you he treated her poorly if I’m reading this correctly? Do you know her?) and continued to treat her with disrespect by vague booking about his relationship with you, texting you, and sliding into your DMs. Not to mention, it’s selfish to continue reaching out to someone who has asked for space and who you know is hurting because of you. Even if your initial decision to walk away felt premature, his true colors are showing now and they’re ugly.
It sounds like you’ve spent the last four months entertaining his texts, DMs, emails, etc. I think the first step is to stop. Block him everywhere. It’s so much easier to stop thinking about someone when they have no access to you and you don’t look at what they’re up to. It sounds like you’ve only recently started blocking and ignoring him, right? It gets easier. If time and plenty of distance don’t do it — or if the ruminating is disrupting your life in a major way — there’s no shame in therapy.
It’s completely understandable to have doubts about your decision to walk away from the relationship initially, especially when your ex has been reaching out to you and expressing remorse for his actions. However, it’s important to remind yourself of the reasons why you made that decision in the first place.
You mentioned that you found out about his mistreatment of his ex-girlfriend, including cheating and emotional abuse, and that you didn’t think you could be with someone who treated another person that way. These are valid concerns and it’s important to prioritize your own values and boundaries in any relationship.
It’s also worth considering the fact that your ex is still in a relationship with the same person he mistreated before. This suggests that he may not have fully addressed or resolved the issues that led to his past behavior, and it’s possible that you could experience similar mistreatment if you were to pursue a relationship with him again.
You can have your feelings, but you also have a mind that knows he agreed he treated his ex that badly, and went right back to her and is still with her, and has been texting you this whole time.
So every time you feel the emotional connection, remind yourself what an actual piece of crap he is.
This entire thing is weird. The ex reached out, told you how horrible he was, you broke up with him and now she’s back together with him?!? All the while, he’s still trying to contact you? Does this dude have a magic penis? A billionaire? I dunno?
Back far, far away from this dumpster fire of a mess. There are easier relationships to be had.
I do get feeling sad. And as a people pleaser/peacemaker myself, I do get not wanting to hurt others feelings. I learned, far later in life than I should, that it’s not always my job to make others feel better (especially people who don’t deserve it). All I can do is my best and honor my own feelings/comfort level. I relapse. A lot.
You trusted your gut and acted on that. That’s better than most!! With some distance and time, it will get easier. Distance (as in no contact) is key.
Thanks everyone. To @ktfran’s point yes I thought it was very weird. Like if you know he’s that bad why are you still there? I think that’s part of why I keep doubting myself because the ex took him back and he claims to be doing everything he can to be better now. NOW, that I asked for him to leave me alone.
I mean… he says he’s doing everything he can to be better now, but he’s literally in a relationship and continuing to reach out to you!!? This guy is full of crap. It sounds like he’s doing absolutely nothing to be a better person. He doesn’t treat either of you with respect!
As for why she got back together with him, that’s surely a reflection of her own inner world (e.g., some self worth issues) and not him being a wonderful boyfriend. In fact he seems to be openly a pretty lousy boyfriend.
Also? To keep the peace in his relationship, he’s probably spinning what’s really happening and who is really reaching out.
I think you can safely say you dodged a bullet. Like, even if you were together, do you really want the messiness of this ex hanging around? It seems like too much baggage/a headache to me.
@Copa right, he’s stopped now since last week’s “last message” message. But I do know what you mean about him spinning things. I am pretty sure he is based on what he tells me he tells her half truths he apparently also compares us when he talks about me in their relationship.
