CONTROLLING OLDER SISTER, FEEL TRAPPED AT 20
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I do not think we are getting all the information here. Was there an inheritance? A will? Did the father die destitute? How is school getting paid? Was the boyfriend a “bad boy”. Why did the boyfriend agree to be kept secret? There are other things going on here.
Why did you keep having a boyfriend a secret? Did you have a feeling your sister was going to act the way she did? A person can only be controlled if that person allows it. Perhaps it’s a good idea to have your sister meet any boys you date. She may see things that you don’t see.
Was working part time taking away from your studies? You certainly need some of your own spending money. Do you do your share of household chores?
I was wondering about some of the questions Oracle and Sunflower asked.
As stated, this could go both ways. It could be someone irrationally controlling. Or if your grades were being affected or this guy seemed iffy, I could see her trying to do the right thing.
If you have lots of money with which to support yourself, then you can do whatever you want. If not, then you need to consider whether the financial implications (loans, more work hours in addition to school, etc.) and the resulting consequences (as in, you financial situation in college can affect decades of your life after you graduate) are worth seeing your boyfriend. I’d probably take advantage of having support in college, but that’s me.
Thanks for all the advice guys, to answer some questions:
I have a scholarship and financial aid so I am able to cover my tuition costs and books myself. I do not have support from her to pay for school.
She had me quit my job because he worked there and she stated that if I wanted a job that I would have to work for her so she knew where I was and with that only wanted me working part time while I was in school.
I am to text her everytime I leave the house (which is everyday for school) and when I return home. If I forget to text her and end up going to class without letting her know I left it’s a problem.
I kept my boyfriend a secret in the beginning because I wanted to ensure that this was something I was serious about before introducing him to my family but before I got the chance to do that on my own timeline she found out and put a stop to everything.OK, you still have not answered some important questions. Did you father leave a will and was he destitute. If there was money and no will the money should be split evenly between all the children (I’m assuming he had no wife). If there was a will you have a right to see it. A trust is more tricky but you probably with some help can see that too. DO NOT ASSUME YOUR SISTER IS DOING THE RIGHT THING. It is time for you to move out. To have to know where you are at at all times is just not OK at 20 – maybe 12. And I also think it is time to see a lawyer.
Hi Oracle,
No he unfortunately did not leave a will but he had a joint checking account with me that had a couple thousand dollars in it which went to my savings. The problem here was that when I had to stop working I was living off my savings which dissolved a lot of it. She has her husband chaperoning me I just found out as they were arguing when he said “and why do you have me chaperoning her like she’s 13??”. I’m a bit worried that she is going to do anything she can possible to make moving out difficult for me because in her mind she is stopping me from “ruining my life”. I feel though that if she can’t accept me regaining some control back over my life then I need to get out of this toxic household.She also believes that she is above the law and has spoken about hiring someone or getting her husband to beat my boyfriend up- this is something else that scares me about the situation
Does your sister not want you to have a bf, or is there something in particular about this guy which she objects to? How old is he?
I’m 20 and he is 21 he works full time has his own place and pays his bills. He’s not in college yet and she feels he has no future. He’s not a bad influence on me and she even stated that she knows he’s not a bad guy she just worries about his financial situation. She was using the fact that I kept the relationship from her and lied as her reasoning for everything. I feel however that by quitting my job and breaking things off with him for 45 days that I have paid my dues to this
Do you trust your brother-in-law? Is it safe to confide in him? It doesn’t sound like he’s in complete agreement with your sister. Can you talk to him, privately, about how she’s treating you and how it makes you feel? Perhaps he can advocate for you and get her to see that trying to exercise this much control over you is excessive and damaging to your relationship. She’s more likely to listen to her husband, whom she (hopefully) sees as an equal, than you, whom she sees as a child. If there’s any chance you think this could backfire (ie. if he told her you were complaining to him and she took that as you going behind her back), then it’s not a good idea.
My daughter just turned 18 and I don’t require her to check in as much as your sister requires you. Your sister sounds like a bully. You need to get a job and move out. Don’t ask her if you can get a job. Just get it and move. If you can stay with someone in the meantime it would be better. Do you have a friend that would let you move in with them temporarily or even for a year with you paying your share of rent and other expenses?
When your sister threatens to have your boyfriend beaten up remind her that she would be committing a crime and she would go to jail for it and she would then be a felon.
It would not work to talk to him as he would use this to his advantage with her as he is always on thin ice. My best bet right now immidiatly to move in with my boyfriend until I can get on my feet, he’s already offered to take me in rent free so I can continue school as that is what my sister also offers me. He just hates seeing me in this situation and wants to help me get out of it. I just know it will cause even more drama from her if I god forbid move out with a boyfriend but it is my for sure option right now.
