“Do Her Mixed Signals Mean She Wants Me Back?”
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Yes we argued with the points I made and I think this is true, we weren’t healthy for each other. Unfortunately she didn’t want to work on us to improve it to make it healthy, which is why I believe there was a lack of interest on her end, and could have been due to this very reason – communication breakdown.
- Being an “emergency contact”.
- Putting in a lot of effort to rescue a dysfunctional relationship.
You’re expecting an awful lot out of a couple month old long-distance relationship.
Things didn’t work out. It sucks. Of course you feel bad. But take the time to figure out how to be a better relationship partner next time, rather than try to litigate your way through a “it must be her fault” rationalization.
I originally came here to get answers as to the meaning behind her breakup. I always blamed myself for how I acted when frustrated and conveyed this to her. Yes, I was putting in way too much work to earn her affection and lost sight of just being fun and loving like I was the first couple months. I made it too serious and drove her away. I shouldn’t have to be a coach, and lobby for her. If she really wanted me, and I didn’t chase her so hard, I probably would be talking to her right now instead of you.
No, totally, we get it, you’re not scary, you’re just a guy who loves too much, pursues too hard, behaves badly out of frustration, and says bad, wrong, scary things about women to amuse himself.
The meaning behind her breakup is that she doesn’t want a relationship with you. We’ve all told you this from the start. You were hoping everyone would agree with you that she’s highly confusing, selfish, and manipulative.
I’m assuming you were dating someone 1,000 miles away because you are limited to that kind of option on account of being a red flag on legs and I’m relieved on behalf of the women in your immediate and surrounding areas.
I was patient throughout most of our time together. I would listen, ask questions, and give her space. Later on I become needy/clingy and if that is “scary” to a woman it certainly wasn’t intentional. I just lost sight of proper ways to make her and my needs met. If she were here she would probably agree that I applied some pressure out of insecurity, but she would also be saying how well I treated her in many other ways. Clearly there is work to do on myself, but despite what the majority of you are saying, I’m a pretty decent person. I have flaws. Can any of you admit to yours or are you all absolutely perfect?
I’ve read into that and I agree. She didn’t want one with me, but also not one right now with anyone, at least long term. She likes her freedom and I was basically a rebound of leaving her marriage. She wanted something easy and I eventually became serious and it didn’t work. No one likes to be rejected. You love insults. I feel bad for anyone you are around as your attitude seems abhorrent.
As an alleged mental health professional, shouldn’t you know that you cannot make someone meet your needs? Shouldn’t you know that if your needs aren’t being met, you can have a calm conversation about that instead of “applying pressure” (whatever that means) and having repeated “poor responses”? Shouldn’t you know to walk away if someone is showing you early on that they cannot or will not meet your needs even when it’s sad for you? Shouldn’t you be able to reason through why a freshly divorced person might be seeking the attention of someone 1,000 miles away? Shouldn’t you be able to get over a three month online situationship with less analysis? Shouldn’t you understand that the only person who truly knows her emotional experience is her? Shouldn’t you understand some of the very real reasons women are afraid of men?
Ah, I see. I am in the field, yes. Wouldn’t you see that it is easier solving others problems than your own? When someone is in the throes of a relationship that isn’t functioning, clinical skills only go so far. Applying pressure is what I already mentioned several times – it means that I didn’t like her avoidance in the most casual way of letting those around her know she is taken. It’s very simple and don’t understand why you, and others here, don’t understand that this could be interpreted as sneaky behavior. I wouldn’t do this if I were working with all women and my partner was uncomfortable. I would meet their needs and say something, but I wouldn’t need guidance because I would have done it without asking. Should I include her own words that she wasn’t afraid of me, but in our arguments it made her uncomfortable. This was the final text so I didn’t know exactly what she was feeling because she rarely/if ever shared her feelings. This was an issue and I was really good, for a while, in learning to understand her. She doesn’t want to let others in (her words) and puts up a wall. You could say I violated boundaries by pressing this issue. Again, unintentional. As for 1000 miles away, we bonded on very similar beliefs and values in a social media chat and it just took off. I’ve never done long distance, nor had she, so therefore we needed an extra level of transparency and I didn’t receive that from her. It is her fault for this and my fault for responding in a way, over time, that pushed her further into her avoidance.
You’re discounting the potential that she was put off by scary behavior of yours.
Surely you must understand that someone who is potentially unnerved/frightened by behavior isn’t necessarily going to just come out and say “I’m frightened by your behavior.” All that does is risk an elevation of the behavior.
Not saying you WOULD be abusive, but abusive people aren’t abusive 100% of the time. So, treating her well sometimes (“how well I treated her in many other ways”) isn’t going to erase red flag behavior at other times. So, you have to understand why someone wouldn’t want to take chances at the first hint of those red flags.
Ok it’s time to just include her last real text, not including the brief one after 3 days:
“Yesterday had already had me on edge with everything going on with my house situation, and I think that’s why I had such a quick negative response. I was excited for your trip here, with everything going on at home it was hard to look forward because I feel like the drama with my sister and dad and myself is consuming me. I realize I should have called you Monday, it was a mistake and probably self sabatoging. I know I had promised better communication and that would have been the right thing to do. You were there for me for a lot and I wish I was better at being there for you, part of me doesn’t really know how to because I don’t know what to say a lot of the time, especially when things are out of my control. I see why my behavior made you uncomfortable and caused you to question me, that’s valid. I truly care for you and love you. It’s not disinterest, it did freak me out being so serious and having such strong feelings for you. I feel like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop at any moment. I felt really safe with you physically I never feared you would hurt me. Emotionally I think there were times I didn’t when we would get into arguments, and that caused me to put up some kind of wall that I didn’t really realize I was putting up. I also think I’ve had a lot of change happening in my life even before my dad’s stuff, and I feel like I was grasping at straws for something that didn’t have to change and that was us, and that wasn’t fair to you. I’ve never felt as strongly about someone and as connected to someone as I do you. And it does really suck that we aren’t at the same place to make our relationship work successfully, and I do take responsibility for almost all of it. I wanted it really badly and got really discouraged when I wasn’t doing enough because it really was all I could handle. I don’t expect you to wait around, but I’m still in love with you, and I really am still here for you. I always will be. And I hope that I’m able to work through a lot of my issues and maybe someday in the future things could be different.”
*You can say this is because she is scared of me, or that she isn’t ready and wants to work more on things that aren’t as serious as a relationship. She leaves it at a place where there is a lot of confusion. I get it now, but had to send because it seems I’m being attacked on here a lot in a variety of ways, when there is nuance to all of this.
