Feeling unsupported by boyfriend of 3 years
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My boyfriend (31m) and I (29f) live together. I’m Indian and he’s American. We have an older neighbour who is sweet for the most part. In September 2022, my boyfriend’s mum was coming to visit. She was going to stay with us for 5 days and I was super anxious (I hadn’t met her before). The morning of her arrival, neighbour lady pulls me in to her house when I’m alone and tells me that no mother would ever want her son to be with a cheap slut like me, and I should just stay quiet and stay out of their way so his mom doesn’t see me as the cheap slut in a bar. I was shook and ended up having a panic attack before they arrived. Later on, I told boyfriend about it. He said that she’s just old and I shouldn’t be too upset coz his mom is gonna love me. I was reassured, but later that day he was talking to neighbour lady all friendly and hugged her as though nothing had happened. I felt a bit upset and told him that I felt like he forgave her too easily for saying that stuff and dismissed the hurt she caused me. I also felt like he didn’t have my back. Since then, we’ve been having issues because he’ll keep trying to point out her goodness like as though I hate her (I don’t), but doesn’t understand that I feel betrayed by him not being upset with the person who called me a cheap slut. How do we move on?
He doesn’t have your back, and that’s concerning. What the neighbor did was a shocking assault. It could be driven by racism. Definitely misogyny.
It reminds me of a story my boss (an Indian woman in the US) told me about a neighbor of hers right after 9/11 who came up and knocked on her door and said disgusting things to her about herself and her children. Totally racist.
If a neighbor was rude to me or my husband, we would cease to have a friendly relationship with that neighbor. That your boyfriend doesn’t understand how horrible what that woman did was, and why, and how it made you feel, is alarming.
What else is going on with him?
I agree with Kate – this is very alarming. Any time – I mean any time anyone has said something horrible about/to me, my husband always immediately takes me side. That doesn’t mean he always thinks I’m perfect or even right, but in life, there’s just no reason for people to be horrible to each other and when anyone has been horrible to me, even if they are justified in feeling upset by me (but not justified in attacking or insulting me), my husband has my back, 100%. If you can’t count on your partner to defend your honor, I just don’t know what you can count on him for.
It’s very concerning that your neighbor would be so very awful to you and within hours, your boyfriend is hugging her and being chummy with her. It’s such a huge insult to you! But this happened months ago. What’s been going on since then? How was his mother’s visit? How has the relationship between your neighbor and your boyfriend been since she verbally attacked you in September?
I agree with Kate and Wendy! He is horrible. I cannot believe he would hug her and forgive her hours after saying those disgusting things to you. He doesn’t have your back or stand up for you, and as Wendy said- what else is he food for? My husband would never. That’s a betrayal, what your bf did.
He cares more about what other people think than your feelings.
Yeah, that is what therapists call a major betrayal.
You were actually attacked. Maybe she didn’t physically harm you, but pulling you into her home and using a disgusting slur, that’s a hate attack.
I’m not sure you can move past this unless your boyfriend has a major epiphany and changes his whole attitude about women.
No woman has ever dared called me a slut. Like that is below the belt. I don’t care who you are, what you do, what color, what you “learned growing up,” that’s bullshit. Add the racism and I want to burn the place down. The fact that he didn’t feel this way shows he is not your man. I’m so sorry that happens to you, it wasn’t okay and it would never ever be okay.
I honestly feel like slut is worse than the c word. (I don’t want the internet police to flag the site.)
This moment should be a deal-breaker for you. How did the parental visit turn out. Did it seem that your bf was ashamed to be with you? Did he show you any affection in parents’ presence. Have you detected evidence of racism in your bf prior to this?
