Fiancée no longer wants to get married
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It’s Saturday and although I’m not drinking, please excuse my grammatical errors although we all know it has nothing to do with the day of the week. No offense meant, guys. I just don’t buy this at face value.
**How do you know she’s doing something awful that she has no right to do? Do you know that this guy isn’t a danger to his child in some way? Not in any way irresponsible? That he’s not using drugs? That he’s completely capable of raising a daughter by himself? That he doesn’t have anger issues? That he’s in fact an excellent dad?***
I obviously only know what he tells us, but I was addressing the point that his “threat” was somehow out of bounds and itself proof that he was an unfit father whose child should be taken from him when his partner dies. And I think that going from only what we know and he has told us, I think that many people, being told that someone was going to hand their child over to someone else would (a) be pretty upset and (b) would in fact say that they would do what they could to stop such an outcome.
**Like, what’s more likely, this woman is batshit crazy and/or being brainwashed by her insane parents well into her 40s? .., Or she has some legitimate concerns about her baby’s well being**
It is not a binary where she’s suffering from psychosis or he’s a drug addict. She could simply trust her parents more than her boyfriend. She could be sick of him as a partner and doing this to punish him. She could be angry because she’s dying and doing this to lash out.There is a whole industry of family lawyers and a complicated system of custody law because people sour on their romantic relationships and cannot handle co-parenting successfully when that happens.
*She’s allowed to make her end of life wishes say what she wants, they are not married. What great advice should you give this guy, get a lawyer, maybe then she’ll reconsider and marry you*
I surely do not know if his relationship can be fixed. I told him that he and his partner should see a counselor.
It is true that he wrote in asking about getting his girlfriend to marry him. I think that he believes that he can fix things with his girlfriend and that will fix everything with his daughter. I think that he needs to be realistic about the possibility that it won’t and proceed accordingly.
As I said in my first post, he needs to (a) think very carefully about his ability to solely parent an infant and (b) speak to a lawyer about how to proceed with the custody issues.
I don’t know whether the parents are influencing her, but the scenario Ron is describing where the parents swoop in and take the kid after the GF dies and he’s involved in a lengthy legal fight to get her back is a very realistic one.
She didn’t say that, she just said she’d put in her will that they go to her parents. That does not mean that they would, and I’ve actually seen some contentious crap where the partner left does not let grandpa and grandma see the kids much if at all afterwards, so I guess seeing that comment, in light that she doesn’t trust him and doesn’t want to marry him made total sense to me.
And because if mommy puts it in her will she wants granny to have even partial custody, then they might have a shot at that, partial. She’s dying.
This whole “you did not respond with perfect equanimity when your partner said you were an unfit parent and that she was going to try to deny you custody of your child is PROOF that you are an unfit parent” is just I think pretty unfair given the circumstances and what is a pretty shocking revelation.
Yes, perfect behavior is what we are insisting on, right? We asked some questions and you and Ron ripped us to shreds for having the gall.
Is it? Custody is awarded to the parent, in almost all scenarios if they are fit. The next of kin. Judges rarely give an old person a baby to take care of when they are of a certain age. If he was found to not be a fit parent, why would that be wrong?
Putting it in her will that the kids go to the grandparents is pretty clearly an attempt to get the kids go to the grandparents. I can’t read her mind but I think that it’s fair for him to take it at face value.
Civil litigation moves slowly and if they have the kid getting him back will not necessarily be fast or cheap. There may be steps he can take in the interim to keep that from happening. I honesty don’t know how it will play out but if his girlfriend is saying that she wants the parents to have custody and the parents want custody then simply waiting and fighting it out after she passes is a bad plan. A good family lawyer can advise him.
I never said putting it in her will wouldn’t be an attempt. I literally did say it would be an attempt, but probably not successful.
She just *said* it, Fyodor. She didn’t do it. And he made threats too. So maybe ease off the lawyer guns and ask him why his fairly short term gf would suddenly have such a change of heart? Sorry I didn’t do it in the way you wanted me to.
Maybe there was no ripping to shreds but maybe consider we might have a POV instead on just going to this weird kind of mockery:
“This whole “you did not respond with perfect equanimity when your partner said you were an unfit parent and that she was going to try to deny you custody of your child is PROOF that you are an unfit parent” is just I think pretty unfair given the circumstances and what is a pretty shocking revelation.”
Do I demand perfect equanimity? Was that what I was doing? Was that a fair statement to make? Do I critique your advice and mock it?
I am betting this revelation is hardly as shocking to him as this post makes it sound.
