He made a 2 weeks vacation plan without me.
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I am a person who likes to travel alone, a lot. I think the people who are/were implying that the LW is being silly and simply doesn’t understand the desire to travel alone are/were making this too black-and-white (I use both tenses, because the tide seems to have changed with the new info about the online woman).
If I felt the need to travel alone, I wouldn’t choose the exact location my partner has been wanting to go. I’d compromise and travel to that place WITH them and then choose another place for a solo trip. I also wouldn’t wait until the entire trip was planned and booked to tell them. If I thought they’d throw a fit over the planning and thought that telling them after it was booked was a way to avoid that, then I’d take that as an incompatibility, rather than just choosing to sneak around. I also wouldn’t try to come up with intangible arguments as to why it was a good idea (“revisit my past self” “make you proud”). Again, if being honest about wanting to travel solo didn’t work, then that’s an incompatibility.
That said, obviously this situation is more than that anyway. At the least, this guy doesn’t care much about you or your relationship. At the worst, he’s planning to hook up with this woman. The part that I’d be most insulted by, if I were you, is that he seems to think you’re incredibly stupid and spineless because he’s very blatantly making up dumb excuses and even telling you that he plans to meet a woman from online. He knows that you’ll believe him/be in denial to just let it happen and then stay around waiting for him to come back. Don’t make him right.
I have absolutely no problem with someone traveling alone. JD and I even asked for more details before we passed judgement.
It’s the follow up. The sneaking. The “reasons”. Even if you take out the on-line woman, his “reasons” for going and his “excuses” for sneaking around are total bullshit. They’re lines he’s feeding this LW so she stays on the hook.
Honey, no. He’s going on this trip to experience being single again. Plain and simple. Break up with him. He’s going to cheat on you.
FWIW, my ex used to do and say shit like this and when I look back on it, I don’t know why I put up with being treated like that. Actually, it’s because I was young and dumb. But YOU are in your 30s! Aim higher!
Also, as others have said, it’s definitely not normal that he didn’t tell you about the trip during the planning stages. Something that big takes time and effort and would come up naturally in conversation. I planned a 3 month solo trip to Europe a year into my relationship with my boyfriend (he wasn’t able to join me). I informed him of my plans all throughout the process because it was fun to talk about and I am not a shady person who has something to hide.
Will it be too much if i were to challenge him to cancel his plans cuz there is no way I’d be happy with it?
Well ya I think you shouldn’t ask him to cancel, plus that doesn’t actually solve the problem. The problem isn’t the trip, it’s the likely cheating, the not telling you, the need for time away from you to decide if he is ready to settle down. These problems will exist with or without the trip. If my husband had said he needed weeks away to decide if he was ready to be with me, it would have been over. If my husband said he was going to stay at the house of a woman he knows from online, over. That is not how people in relationships behave. That is not how people who want to be with you behave. If he needs a trip to be sure he doesn’t want it. Why do you want to be with someone who isn’t sure. My husband pretty much begged me and moved mountains to marry me (not literally begged obviously). He wanted NOTHING more than to marry me and settle down. That is how someone behaves, not needing an orgy filled drug fest to be sure.
You really just need to end it now. Plus, even if he didn’t go and things went back to normal he’d be resentful and bitter for not going, likely losing money on tickets, etc. So new problem. I know you love this man and want to be with him but this is not a healthy relationship. You really need to see this for what it is and end it.
what are you going to do when you challenge him and he says no, he’s not going to cancel the trip? Just be like, oh, ok, well I’m unhappy?
You should break up with him. Why would you want to be with a guy who would do something like this?
His wording is strange as is his picking a place (seemingly quite deliberately — he knew you were simply just dying to go. How often had you two discussed your wanting to go there?
He’s probably going on this trip alone so he can pick out the perfect engagement ring. If you were there, it would ruin the surprise!
Exactly. Why would you stay with a guy who did this?
Why are you in a relationship that leaves you feeling sad and sorry for yourself?
It’s really sad to me that you are trying to justify his behavior and dismissing all your feelings. You should break up with him and look for a therapist.
There’s being understanding, and then there’s being a fool.
I mostly travel without my boyfriend, because he doesn’t like to travel. He’s fine with it. But I *do* tell him when I’m planning a trip, just because we talk about our lives with each other. It comes up in conversation when we talk about our day. “I booked my hotel for London today, got a really good rate.” That kind of thing.
The LW’s boyfriend went out of his way to *not* tell her about this trip until it was all planned. Not any part of it. He’s been planning this for weeks or months and it never came up. Either he doesn’t feel close enough to you to share the kind of info you’d tell any casual friend, or…
…it’s a vacation with his new girlfriend. All the other nonsense about making peace with his past is just cover for that. He’s meeting up with his online side-chick to have a lovely romantic holiday in the city you always wanted to visit.
If you’re OK with that, well, that’s your decision.
