I cannot tell if this is a green flag or the reddest flag ever.
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Taco Tuesday needs to get into the concept of being attracted to men who might have the manipulative and controlling traits of her dad (in therapy), and not be dating anyone at all without the support of a therapist.
To clarify, I stand by my advice in general, but not for Taco Tuesday. Not sure if that was clear. I do think an emotionally healthy person can go out with someone and suss out for themselves if the behavior exhibited is problematic. Someone who is still very unhealed may not, or may even be attracted to someone who feels familiar even if that familiarity is messed up. This is why we’ve asked you to be honest about who you are when you are posting, WonderingGirl/TacoTuesday, because it can change the advice given.
It is a little comical to me that you express concern about this guy possibly being too much of a work in progress in your first post when you yourself have major issues and trauma from your past that you have not dealt with. You have a lot to unpack and heal from. I do hope you will seek the help and support of a therapist. I don’t see how you will have healthy relationships until you do your own inner work.
Her issues with abuse control and trauma make her a target for men like this, and her history makes men like this attractive to her.
Honestly, I don’t even think stable people should take a chance with someone with a known history of abuse unless they really, really know the person had been working on that issue for a long time.
Sigh. Taco, back far away from this guy and unpack this in therapy. Real therapy with an actual, trauma specialized therapist. Not a group meeting where abusers also go. You need to unpack your own extensive issues and get mentally healthy before dating anyone.
Speaking of, have YOU read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? If not, it’s likely worth your time. I suspect you’ll see many of your father’s traits described in the book and it can be eye opening. I say as an abuse survivor myself – any guy who recognizes any part of himself in that book is someone you need to stay far, far away from. And that includes your dad. I really hope you’ve finally moved out and cut contact with them.
GG said it, this is a good small first step in the right direction, you’re trying to heal. But she’s right, this is over the head of a group therapy chat. I know therapy is expensive but there are apps and ways to get it cheaper than ever. I keep seeing ads for a new app one that takes like, all major insurances in the US. It’s supposed to be very low cost.
You should not be dating until you’re a lot better, away from your family and not attracted to covert abusers. I would try to make friends with women before you delve into men.
Taco, your meter is not calibrated properly because your dad is weird and abusive.
You need therapy – and I recommend someone who will work with you to help you establish your needs and boundaries and feel confident in setting and enforcing your boundaries. You need a therapist who can work with you to define your checklist of “is this abusive to me?” and be able to speak your truth. You can’t do this alone and you can’t do this with self-help books. You need reinforcement that your feelings are valid and you have options if/when your boundaries are crossed.
It’s wild to me that you’re saying you don’t want to be this guys therapist, when you’ve never had therapy yourself. And I don’t think I’ve ever heard you acknowledge that your father is abusive or even manipulative or even controlling.
Had you made the connection in your own mind that, hey, I am crushing on a guy who says he’s entitled and manipulative, and that’s probably because I was raised by a man who is entitled and manipulative and have never experienced any other kind of relationship with a man? You don’t have to answer, it’s just something to think about.
I’m also curious if this story isn’t even true, but you’re again using this forum to try to get an opinion that *your father* isn’t actually that bad. Like, let me frame it this way and see if people would say it’s a red flag? You’ve done that before, writing in from different POVs to try to get the answer you want. I kind of get it, like, maybe that’s how you’re attempting to process your trauma? You need to work with a professional and I can’t understand your resistance to that except that it seems likely you are still living at home with him and don’t feel safe unpacking stuff in therapy, or need to feel like it’s ok for you to still live there. Idk. I really hope you do get help working through this.
