“I Had Sex with Someone Else While We Were Broken Up”
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From a LW:
“My boyfriend and I have been friends for three years and a couple for a year. The majority of our relationship was long-distance, until we recently decided to move to a different state together. We are in our twenties (he’s 26, I’m 23). A week after celebrating our one-year anniversary a few months ago, he broke things off. I was heartbroken and devastated; this wasn’t our first breakup but this time was different because we lived together. I began to act crazy and out of character because here I am, in a new state, living with the love of my life who just dumped me.
A month later, I began talking to another guy, solely for distraction purposes. In January, he and I were hanging out and we had sex. Immediately after, I regretted it and blocked the guy, he then threatened me via social media. Fast forward to April and my ex and I decided to date again and work things out. We signed another 15-month lease at a different place. We’ve had some issues due to my insecurities and my thinking he’s been sleeping around (he had sex a week after our first ever break up). Three days before our move, he found a message in my phone from January implying I had sex with this other guy. When confronted, I lied! I lied because I was scared of the outcome. However, later that day I confessed and he was heartbroken. I believe I deserve the opportunity to gain his trust back the same way I gave him the opportunity, after multiple trust-breaking issues on his end. What do I do? How do I handle living another 15 months with him? Am I wrong for asking for another chance? This is my first big mistake and I regret it.”
You describe yourself self as “crazy and acting out-of character” but what happened to you…newly moved to a new place,new area and living with someone and then seemingly out of the blue,being dumped and “kicked out” of your home…would be devastating for anyone.
dating and sleeping with someone else so soon was maybe not a good choice for you,as you are upset about it, but you did nothing wrong,. You were broken up!
Your boyfriend sounds like a poor bet for a happy and lasting relationship. He seems to flip back and forth,in and out,in his devotion. He seems to not know what he wants and is dragging you into this roller- coaster. Plus he calls all the shots and terms and you seem to feel you have no power or say. He has double standards too,it sounds like. Though him having sex when you two were broken up before is not bad,even if it was soon,in your opinion. He seems manipulative and holding you to a different standard than he does himself. Plus why is he going through your phone?
The on and off nature/frequent break-ups of your relationship is another bad sign. I think you would be better off without him and you are in for more of this negative pattern,more stress and heartbreak in the future. If you still want to keep trying,let him move in and fulfill the lease. Get your own place so when he pulls this crap again you will at least have a home. Sorry,I think you should just totally walk away.You describe yourself self as “crazy and acting out-of character” but what happened to you…newly moved to a new place,new area and living with someone and then seemingly out of the blue,being dumped and “kicked out” of your home…would be devastating for anyone.
dating and sleeping with someone else so soon was maybe not a good choice for you,as you are upset about it, but you did nothing wrong,. You were broken up!
Your boyfriend sounds like a poor bet for a happy and lasting relationship. He seems to flip back and forth,in and out,in his devotion. He seems to not know what he wants and is dragging you into this roller- coaster. Plus he calls all the shots and terms and you seem to feel you have no power or say. He has double standards too,it sounds like. Though him having sex when you two were broken up before is not bad,even if it was soon,in your opinion. He seems manipulative and holding you to a different standard than he does himself. Plus why is he going through your phone?
The on and off nature/frequent break-ups of your relationship is another bad sign. I think you would be better off without him and you are in for more of this negative pattern,more stress and heartbreak in the future. If you still want to keep trying,let him move in and fulfill the lease. Get your own place so when he pulls this crap again you will at least have a home. Sorry,I think you should just totally walk away.You both slept with someone when he dumped you. How is this an unequal thing where you are the bad guy?
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.
Hoo boy.
1. Gain his trust back from what, exactly? You cannot break the boundaries of a relationship you aren’t in. Policing what the other person does when you are not romantically involved with them is extremely controlling and unhealthy on both your parts. He didn’t break your trust by sleeping with someone a week after you broke up, and you didn’t break his by sleeping with someone a month after you broke up. Wtf. You can decide you don’t want to be with someone who moves on so quickly, and with whom you break up so frequently, but acting single while you’re single isn’t a betrayal.2. What do you mean he “found” messages in your phone? Did he innocently see them or was he going through your phone? Because that is a major red flag and a serious violation of your trust and privacy. That alone is worth breaking up over. Taking your SO’s phone to find out information that is exactly none of your business (what they did before you were together) and then holding that information against your partner is next level controlling and a red flag for abuse. Nope.
The only person who owes an apology here and gaining trust back is him. You don’t trust each other. You are insecure and not acting like yourself when you’re with him. This is getting worse with time and proximity, not better. There are serious red flags that he doesn’t respect you and he’s manipulating you into feeling like you’re the one whose screwed up when it’s him. Take this is a blessing in disguise, even though I know it doesn’t feel like that, and don’t move in with this guy. Do what you have to do to break the lease and get away from him. He’s bad, bad news. It also sounds like you need to do some resetting on what a healthy relationship looks like, and get some of your self esteem back, before you date again.
He broke up with you and did so quite nastily. You were under zero obligation not to date or have sex with others. And the icing on top is that he had cheated on you and repeatedly betrayed your trust.
You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Your bf is a hypocritical jerk, alarmingly controlling, and not at all a nice person.
You are too close to the situation now to realize it, but you are far better off without him. You don’t have to live with him for another day. When he broke up before, he kicked you out.
Your insecurities tell you that you can’t cope without him or find as good a new bf, but both of those thoughts are 100% wrong.
Don’t try to win back his trust. He’s conning you. You did zilch to lose his trust. Just say goodbye and be done.
