I want my boyfriend to prove he loves me
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Bacon Mistress —
Just no. You should not be setting up the hope that if she just pretends for 6 months that she isn’t REALLY interested in a proposal that her guy will propose as a great ‘surprise’. That’s just wedding industry/women’s magazine garbage. It puts ‘the great proposal event’ and ‘the wedding extravaganza’ above actually wanting to support each other and live together happily for the rest of your lives. It is fantasy over reality. The super trivial over the deeply important in life.And… most importantly, LW doesn’t feel confidant that her bf actually loves her. So, patiently waiting in pretend happiness and contentment isn’t the solution here.
Agree with @ron that ultimatums don’t do any good. A good friend gave an ultimatum. He proposed; a few years later they’re now in the process of getting a divorce. She advised me to never give an ultimatum because then he is only proposing because he feels forced to, not because he wants to.
Completely agree with Ron. Unless your boyfriend has specifically told you that he is planning a special proposal for you and just needs a bit of time, waiting around and not saying anything is just going to disappoint you even further.
If this guy actually wanted to marry you, he would be up front and honest about that. He would talk to you about marriage and talk to you about a future together. He would reassure you that he loves you and is looking forward to building a life together.
If he hasn’t done those things, do NOT sit around thinking he might surprise you if you just keep your mouth shut.
“MAYBE HE HAS PLANNED TO PROPOSE A FEW TIMES but before he could you ruined it by crying and complaining. That would take away from it being special and make it seem forced. So maybe he keeps putting it off due to that.”
No. No. No.
It’s sad that you think it’s “crying and complaining” to tell your partner what you want out of your future.
There is NO UNIVERSE in which this guy really wants to propose, but darn it all, she keeps RUINING it with all her asking, asking, asking about a proposal…
Sorry but that isnt correct. I have seen this EXACT THING happen between two friends. He had a ring and was waiting for the right time but she constantly brought it up and started fights about it and so he would put it off because he didnt think it was the right time… like it was going to seem like he did it because she made such a big deal out of it. He had told her he loved her and would be there. He wanted it to be his choice though and when he felt comfortable.
So yes I AM going to put the possibility out there. It helps provide a well rounded view. When a team gets together to brainstorm possibilities or outcomes, that is what they do. Also, I cant just assume that the LW is completely truthful. People usually downplay their parts in an issue. She may be constantly bringing it up in a less than positive way. If that isnt the case: No harm, no foul. She will know. BUT go ahead and rush to stone me all you fluffy commentators! Tell me I am stupid and I dont know what I am talking about. tart your drama! Hahaha!
And no, Ron. No one said a blow out, flash dance, giraffe ring bearing, NY Square proposal. Just a special surprise on his own time. Could be simple as a dinner date. I just mentioned my experience and it happened to be on a tropical island.
So, what you are saying is that the decision to get engaged/married isn’t something to work out cooperatively, he has to be in CONTROL of the process and decision. He can’t be seen as doing it because she has pushed him or badly wants it. That’s crap and it’s sexist and it won’t lead to a marriage of equals. It will lead to a marriage in which his wishes always come first and she is expected to be subordinate. It’s the white southern evangelical version of marriage with the wife submits to her husband. If that’s what appeals to you, fine, but to me it seems an antiquated view of relationships. Btw, blow out in Times Square or not, I don’t think it desirable for a proposal to be a surprise. I think it awful for a LW to feel in need of proof that her partner loves her. To me, and as she describes the relationship, her partner does not lover her. Frankly, doing little things for her is easy and what the man-in-control sexist relationship books advocate. Treating her as an equal and being willing to make a lifetime commitment to their relationship — those are the hard parts. My advice remains the same: MOA.
*shrug*
It’s still pathetic that you think it’s “crying and complaining” to tell your partner what you want for your future.
I suppose you blame your whiny, crying (in your perspective) female friends for their now-husbands being childishly withholding proposals simply because their girlfriends asserted that they wanted to be married.
Yeah, sounds awesome to me, LOL.
It’s funny how you always have a convenient personal (and successful) example of whatever harebrained idea you are trying to pass off as good advice.
And your example of that proposal sounds pretty cruel and manipulative. She’s crying and emotional, and he keeps putting it off to when he’s feeling comfortable? That doesn’t sound great at all.
MAYBE HE’S A SECRET AGENT AND HE REALLY LOVES HER BUT IT WILL BLOW HIS COVER IF HE PROPOSES AND HE’S WRESTLING WITH THE CONFLICT BETWEEN HIS DEEP LOVE FOR HER AND HIS SECRET AGENT DUTIES IT HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND AND NOW SHE’S MARRIED TO THE SECRET AGENT BECAUSE SHE WAITED.
Guy who really wants to do something but won’t do it because his fiance is desperately asking for it sounds like killer partner material.
And your friends will end up divorced I promise since she kept bitching at him about it. Two people who both want to be married talk about it and are excited. As much as I wanted my ex to propose for all those reasons, it’s been long enough, I want this by a certain time, etc I had no desire to be with someone who wasn’t excited to be with me. I didn’t realize that then but am dang glad I figured it out since he did propose after I left him. No thanks.
My husband could barely talk about anything BUT marrying me. He’d have asked sooner if he thought I’d have said yes, I would’ve but he was a bit scared I wouldn’t. Throwing a fit to get your way may get you what you want in the moment but it doesn’t solve the actual issue.
@Bacon Mistress A man refusing to propose because the woman he supposedly wants to marry lets him know that she wants to get engaged seems ridiculous. Really incredibly ridiculous. What kind of marriage could they possibly have if her letting him know what she wanted from something as important as a relationship was considered bad. That’s the same as saying she has no right to an opinion of her own. She was lucky to get away from that one. What an awful marriage it would have been. In a relationship with good communication they would have agreed on a timeline that included a window where he would propose. She wouldn’t know the exact time or place but she would know that it would happen. He could still surprise her. It seems he was just making a stupid excuse because he didn’t actually want to get engaged and blaming it on her wanting it too much was his convenient way to blame her. What a jerk.
