From a LW:

“I’m in a five year long-distance relationship with a man who just turned 30. Here are some of the concerns and issues I’ve been having with him over the past few months and I hope maybe you could give me some input.

Since the first year of us dating we talked about wanting to live together and I have worked numerous jobs and taken many criticisms from everyone just to be able to have enough money saved in order to move there. Recently in the past year and a half he has changed this previous notion and instead has said he feels it would be better if I moved there by myself into a place for four to six months before he is willing to move in with me. My first problem with this is the fact he never mentioned this until the last time I saw him in May and we had planned to go looking at apartments, so it came out of nowhere and made me think why all of a sudden is he unsure of living together? My second problem is that with this arrangement he told me he would try to see me one weekend of each month or possibly two weekends if he can make time, yet still wants to talk on the phone and use discord to watch movies and shows together; which in my opinion feels like I’m still in a long distance relationship just now instead of seeing him for a few days every six to ten months I’ll be able to see him once a month.

He Currently lives with his 60+ mother and pays her bills (water, electric, trash, wifi, heat and air conditioning as well as a portion of the car insurance plan they share) he also takes her out to eat, drives her to doctor’s appointments and takes care of her garden and plants when she is away. Now after listing all of those responsibilities and expectations placed upon him, he somehow has absolutely no say so or input on any decisions made in the house. He also dislikes confrontation and won’t talk to his mother about how he feels about their relationship and the fact, even though he pays over 40% of their living costs; he has no decision making authority or opposition. As you could imagine this had made him stressed and frustrated with her. He’s been seeing a therapist and is taking medicine for depression due to being overworked and overwhelmed with his job and responsibilities/burdens of his mother.

He has asked her in the past if he could invite me to stay with them and pay rent for a few months while we work towards getting our own place, since apartments and houses are expensive in his state. Yet everytime he tried she automatically said absolutely not simply because she doesn’t know me and refuses to give me any chance of having a relationship with her. This is my biggest problem, mainly because she allowed his ex girlfriend (who was 24 when he was 16 begin grooming him and refusing to date him legally until he was 18) automatically live with them three years later for one entire year. This was of course after he visited the ex-girlfriend in her hometown 3 times. Even though she hadn’t spoken to the girl or spent time with her during any of those three years leading to her moving there. Once there the ex wouldn’t work, pay bills or rent, consistently cooked foods the mother who is pre-diabetic couldn’t eat and after being told on more than three separate occasions became hysterical and lashed out on the mother for not eating the food. She would even force them to leave family events within 30 minutes due to her anxiety disorder. This is why I feel frustration with her because, I have tried multiple times over the course of four years of visiting to invite her to lunch or dinner or to go see a movie when I was there, yet she always comes up with an excuse as to why she can’t make it. This has been causing problems between her and I because she won’t give me any chance due to her poor experiences with his ex that happened to her four years before I had met her. Mind you our one and only encounter, that lasted 3 minutes in her kitchen; before she talked to my partner for 37 minutes, as I waited in the living room until he told me we were leaving. She didn’t invite me to talk, ask me or her son any questions about me or anything and has continued to block me out since that one 3 minute encounter. She keeps acting like her son and I are not a real thing and instead of my partner trying to fix it, he just let’s it be making me feel like he doesn’t really believe in our relationship either.

After all the things we’ve done and hardships we’ve worked through and overcome I would think that we should be further connected. Yet in five years he’s never once visited me in my home state, and to make it more hurtful he cancelled visiting two separate time literally a week before he was supposed to come. He pays for the hotel I stay at when I visit, but it’s always me having to go to him and never an equal balance. Often while I’m there I only get to see him maybe 5 out of the eight to ten days I’m there. He has often put the responsibility of finding a place on me, even though he is the one who wants me to move and live there. Even when I asked if he would consider moving to my state, which has cheaper living costs and housing, just for a year or two; he refused because he couldn’t bring his car and felt like leaving his mom and cousins would be to hard on him emotionally. Yet sees me moving away from my 8 year old brother and 6 year old sister who call me their mom because I’m the one who typically takes care of them an their needs as perfectly acceptable since I have a strained relationship with my mother and grandmother and I don’t often visit much of my family.

Honestly it all makes me feel as though he doesn’t actually see me as more than a long distance partner of convenience, and one that he doesn’t really need to provide anything to because I don’t ask for much of anything. I mean I feel it even more now, especially with the way he has changed the plans of living together. Thus it seems we aren’t that connected as we used to be and have become rather unhealthy in all actuality. I love him, we have a lot of common interests and hobbies and we definitely enjoy each other’s company and conversations. I can tell he cares for me and has affection for me. Weve been together for five years and he has helped me create so many amazing memories that I will continue to treasure my entire life. Still I feel as though I care for him more than he’ll ever care for me and it makes me think I have just spent 5 years of my life with someone who will never see me as a priority and is most likely stringing me along cause he doesn’t want to be alone and can’t have intimacy with his own mother who treats him like her husband.

I know this has been very long and I’m sorry for any miscommunication or confusion due to the large amount of information and reference. Basically if you could tell me what more I could be doing, maybe new ideas I could try or just anything in general to help me out I’d really appreciate it. “