“Is This Unhappy Marriage All There Is For Me?”
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From a LW:
I (F 56) have been with my husband 20 years, married for 15. I am finding it difficult to not feel resentful for years of neglect (or whatever you would otherwise call it). I love my husband but he rarely shows me affection. He doesn’t buy gifts for birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc. I purchase all gifts for the family for all occasions. He spends his disposable funds on hobbies, cars, etc. (I make a third of his upper middle class earnings). Before someone jumps in and says something about equality: I do get him gifts and treat him lovingly.
On a wedding anniversary he gave me a silver ring with point diamonds that were drill bit quality. It turns my finger black and there is no shine to it. This is the nicest thing he ever got me, and although it was an actual gift, it made me feel even worse. This was all he thought of me after so many years? I was, and am, hurt. (His friend helped him pick it out and I honestly can’t stand the sight of him now). Although I’ve tried to forget it, I can’t seem to help but feel devalued.
While sex is a chore I do to keep him off my back, it’s the only physical contact we share, and there is no finesse or romance in it. It’s abrupt and cringy. I’ve asked for him to be less forceful, but it hasn’t stopped and likely won’t. There’s no foreplay, and every fiber in me just says no! We have had hardcore BDSM relationship, but aside from restraints and welts, I haven’t submitted to more in a long time. He reminds me frequently that he wants a long “session” soon. Super.
Is this all I am capable of? My parents were neglectful. My mother is deeply narcissistic, bordering on psychopathy. Although I have been no contact for many years, I can’t help but think I’ve fallen into the same relationship over and over. The only thing that changes is the partner. I can’t help but feel the problem is me.
Have you ever spoken with a therapist? I think you’d really benefit from it. Our families of origin influence how we perceive love and relationship dynamics. A therapist can help you process your childhood trauma, what sounds like a string of bad relationships, and what healthy love looks and feels like. You know you are in a bad marriage. I don’t think this is all you are “capable” of, but I suspect you’ll need the support of a professional to leave and heal.
this post made me so sad, because I am also in an unfulfilling relationship….i get anxiety attacks thinking about being intimate with someone who can’t even be bothered to listen to me when I talk….we really need to leave toxic relationships such as this….i know it is hard when you spend years with someone and get financially entangled with them…..everyone deserves a happy life….LW I hope you find a happy future….it doesn’t seem like you will find it with your husband…..I wish you all the best!
LW, I echo the suggestion of therapy if you have the means for it, and it sounds like you do if you are in an upper middle class household. A good therapist can help you unpack any unhealthy relationship patterns you may be continuing from childhood, and can guide you through whatever necessary steps to build the life you want on your terms. I promise that what you’ve described is not all there is for you, but you do need to take active steps in finding and building a happier and fulfilling life for yourself. Writing to me is a start, but your issue is beyond what an advice columnist can address. I hope that you’ll take these words of encouragement to heart and seek out someone who can work with you on a continuing basis. You deserve to live a life of fulfillment.
I can completely relate to this. I’m in the same boat but I’m 36. We don’t buy each other gifts anymore either. We haven’t had sex since my last daughter was conceived which was 2 years ago. I can’t even have a conversation with him. Most times when we talk he just thinks he has to solve any bc complaints or random things in talking and he gets frustrated but I am not asking to solve anything I’m just trying to talk and have a conversation like I do with friends. All he wants to do is work, see the kids, watch tv and go to bed. He just wants a wife that looks good that he can take out to work events if any. After I had kids he wished I would lose the baby weight faster. I completely get where you’re coming from. I just wish I knew what I know now years ago and never married him and chose to better myself to find a real loving relationship. I also thing sometimes I guess this is my relationship forever. I mean I just want a partner I’m attracted who treats me with respect and we’re both happy and committed and supportive of each other. I don’t think I’ll ever find that true love. I feel you in everything you said.
Yes, if you stay and do nothing than this is all you will know. Getting a therapist would be helpful and also changing or leaving. It is you but it doesn’t have to be forever. I was listening to the Podcast Armchair expert on Spotify where Dax Shepard talks to his mom and it was an amazing inspiring piece. She had 3 bad marriages and a few suicide attempts. She was a single mom but she battled and now is successful and happy. It just goes to show that we can all be stuck but you can get unstuck if you try hard enough. To not have the same things happen we need to do things differently make different choices. Decide to live differently. and Act on it.
