From a LW:

I (F 56) have been with my husband 20 years, married for 15. I am finding it difficult to not feel resentful for years of neglect (or whatever you would otherwise call it). I love my husband but he rarely shows me affection. He doesn’t buy gifts for birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc. I purchase all gifts for the family for all occasions. He spends his disposable funds on hobbies, cars, etc. (I make a third of his upper middle class earnings). Before someone jumps in and says something about equality: I do get him gifts and treat him lovingly.

On a wedding anniversary he gave me a silver ring with point diamonds that were drill bit quality. It turns my finger black and there is no shine to it. This is the nicest thing he ever got me, and although it was an actual gift, it made me feel even worse. This was all he thought of me after so many years? I was, and am, hurt. (His friend helped him pick it out and I honestly can’t stand the sight of him now). Although I’ve tried to forget it, I can’t seem to help but feel devalued.

While sex is a chore I do to keep him off my back, it’s the only physical contact we share, and there is no finesse or romance in it. It’s abrupt and cringy. I’ve asked for him to be less forceful, but it hasn’t stopped and likely won’t. There’s no foreplay, and every fiber in me just says no! We have had hardcore BDSM relationship, but aside from restraints and welts, I haven’t submitted to more in a long time. He reminds me frequently that he wants a long “session” soon. Super.

Is this all I am capable of? My parents were neglectful. My mother is deeply narcissistic, bordering on psychopathy. Although I have been no contact for many years, I can’t help but think I’ve fallen into the same relationship over and over. The only thing that changes is the partner. I can’t help but feel the problem is me.