Men and Their Compliments
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Not everyone who drinks has to have someone who drinks. I’ve had times where I didn’t drink and dated guys who did, and I’ve dated guys who didn’t drink while I was drinking socially. I think it’s just one piece of a huge amount of incompatibility.
Someone who is your average guy-next-door who drinks is most likely not going to be wildly opposed to someone who doesn’t drink. But a guy who hangs out with people who have lots of casual sex and does drugs and is super macho IS going to find that to be a problem. With that kind of guy, it’s going to be one of many incompatibilities. With someone more like you, it’s going to be a minor point that may bother him or may not. It’s probably going to be the difference between someone whose drinking involves getting trashed at a club and having a glass of wine with dinner. Someone who has a glass with dinner won’t really care if you aren’t having one, unless you are trying to tell him you can’t.
Anyway, yeah, you’re going for the wrong guys. Just because someone pursues you doesn’t mean they are right for you. A lot of those guys just want sex, so they don’t really care who’s on the other end of their advances as long as they can have sex with it.
True, the guys she’s dating don’t sound like rapists. Still their approach to sex, which they are very upfront with being they are seeking hook-ups and not LTR or a romantic several dates before ending up in bed, and what apparently turns her on in men, is at extreme odds with what she claims to want. The great sexual chemistry she talks about on these first dates likely derives in significant measure from the fact that she has missed or chosen to ignore their signals which are clearly flashing: this date ends in bed unless I do something to seriously turn her off. To the guy, the date is 100% foreplay, with a pre-determined conclusion. That has got to raise the sexual temperature of the date and have her thinking ‘great sexual chemistry’. To the guys, she’s just a tease, so they have no interest in further contact with her.
I don’t know what advice she wants? Her letter is more than a little bizarre in her lack of self-awareness and failure to pick up on signals, to the extent it seems deliberate — if she dates enough guys looking for a hook-up, she’ll find the unicorn who is a super-macho hook-up artist, yet has the compassion, sensitivity, and deep longing for her, that he’ll change his ways and be celibate for a month, while he gives her the multiple-date romantic chase she demands. I’m not sure that unicorn exists. I conclude this, because I have a hard time accepting that after multiple repetitions, can she really be so dense and unobservant th she is still missing the clear signals these guys are sending her? She likes the attention and the sex-laden atmosphere, but what? Locked into old social norms? She needs to either get with the current hook-up culture, or avoid dates with men who are clearly a part of it.
@Ron, I can’t tell if she’s dating these guys because she finds that super-macho, come-on-strong type attractive, or it’s because she’s reacting to the positive attention (“This guy thinks I’m hot!), and she’d go out with anyone who pursued her intensely. I mean, anyone would find that kind of pursuit flattering on some level.
I think a lot of her problem is inexperience, personally. She’s not yet realized that sexual interest does not equal romantic/relationship interest, or that all men who find you hot are not potential boyfriends or husbands.
It’s a common mistake, if the letters we see on this site are any clue.
Thank you all for your advice. Yes, these are men I am meeting in person and who are ballsy enough to approach me at work, the grocery store, etc. Yes, I find a visceral attraction to very secure masculine macho-type men and it IS if course flattering for me as it would be for any woman. BUT ultimately these men, while having sexual chemistry with me and having had some really good sex with a few in the past now bore ME. Even successful and accomplished ones have few intetersts or knowledge outside of sports and their cars and bars and know little of the world and hang out with the same people as they did when they were teens, while I wanna talk about events, experiences, places I go to, cool people I met all over the world and find them limited. (Their idea of a compliment is that I look like Melania Trump…uh great, I think). But when I meet men who are intelligent and can talk about things they are the whiny Beta males that I cannot find a sexual interest in at all. Hence my dilemma …….I don’t think this idiot was a potential rapist or that he meant to insult me directly, he seemed to be trying to save face and be at least ok holding doors and walking me to my car but I need to know how to find a combo of Alpha and smart.
You group men into stereotypes. Try seeing them as people.
And I’m sorry, but hearing a woman use an MRA term like “beta males” is just repulsive. I’m out.
*confident*, smart, sexy guys who don’t see Melania Trump as the standard of feminine beauty are out there. Given your location, Carol, you might have a harder time finding them, and they’re probably not going to be the guys who hit on you on the street, so again, try online dating. Try meetup groups for things like travel and food. Try university business courses. Try sports leagues. Try art galleries.
“why are you criticizing me and not the terrible men that I voluntarily choose to date?” You’re the one writing in.
Eh, it’s also rathervboring to hear about how worldly and cultured one is. Especially when they seemingly are that way simply so they can look down derisively on EVERYONE else.
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The HORROR of dating someone who works in film… as if “Global Management” positions are ever even vaguely artistic ir culturally significant — much less ethical.
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NEWSFLASH! Men don’t call you back as you simply are not quite the catch you delude yourself to be. End of story. Trust me — it’s no great mystery.
Oh, she is looking for the unicorn that Ron described. Lol.
LW, if you ever find the secret unicorn land where sex-charged macho guys who think that their latest sexual conquest is their soulmate, let us know please.
