My 19 y/o son dropped out of college and now his only "goal" is to be waiter.
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all while struggling with untreated ADHD. It’s truly amazing!!
Sue, I keep thinking about how much you pushed and you say you sacrificed for your son’s education. What did you do to support his special needs, beyond working for a year to get him medication? Anything? As a child, did you son have any counseling, social skills classes, or anything else that might have helped him deal with his symptoms? I am guessing no since he wasn’t diagnosed until high school, and I don’t bring this up to blame you but to again point out how much he managed to accomplish while facing challenges well beyond what his peers, who you keep comparing him to, had to face. Have you told him how incredibly proud you are of him? ARE you incredibly proud? You really should be. Your son sounds like a real fighter — someone who, I addition to having challenges he learned how to cope with without much support (it sounds like?), also has gifts that maybe haven’t been fully realized or utilized yet. That’s the thing with these neurological diagnoses like ADHD — they often include extraordinary gifts, which are probably what helped your son do so well academically. But it sounds like the social and emotional deficits/ challenges have been largely unaddressed and he’s struggling now. I think you might be missing that because you are so focused on how his perceived “failures” are a representation of you or your parenting. Your son really deserves a lot of validation for how far he’s come and how well he’s done in the face of adversity. It’s really such a shame that he’s getting the opposite of that…
Hi Sue, I can understand how upset you must be, I have a daughter that also dropped out of her first year of college and lied to me for months. I was upset she preferred to keep her part time job at Marshall’s instead of continuing her education. She found another job but was fired within 6 months, she was at home doing nothing for almost a year. Yes I was mad, yes I kept telling her she needed to do something with her life but I never felt ashamed or embarrassed of her. This year she went back to school (her choice) and finished her first semester with flying colors. I’m proud of her then, I’m proud of her now.
I also have an 18 year old that graduated with just ok grades. I was at the supermarket a few days before her graduation ceremony and ran into one of her classmates mom. I had known this lady since our kids started pre-k. She mentions so proudly that her daughter received a full scholarship to attend a prestigious UC campus. While my kid is only attending community college. I won’t lie I felt a tiny jealous but I was not ashamed of my daughter, I’m proud of her as well.
They both know I’m here for them to cheer them on. I will never put them down. We should be there to support them and to love them. Don’t compare your sUn with anyone else, he is exactly where he should be at right now. Like the others mention, let him figure things out on his own.
LOL that everyone thought he was Harvard-bound with a 3.6 GPA.
Anyway, I agree with what everyone else is saying. Mostly chiming in to say I very strongly agree with the notion that many people at your son’s age could benefit from taking some time off and working to figure themselves out. I went to a great university and grad school immediately after, but I was really directionless and just going through the motions of what I thought I was supposed to do. My grades were never bad, but I think they would’ve been higher and that I would’ve been far more motivated if I’d had more of a “why” for all I was doing.
Also, after grad school, I was unemployed for a solid 7 months before finding work. (Retail jobs were rejecting me for being too educated.) I moved back in with my parents, had very little in savings, and spent a lot of time at home by myself feeling depressed. I wasn’t a kid worth bragging about at that point. If my parents had told me they were ashamed of me (or called me a loser, or any of the other nasty things you’re saying about your son), when I was young, lost, and honestly trying my best to figure out a plan for myself, I would’ve been devastated, hurt, and embarrassed. Shame on you.
Just to back up “People are more successful when they know what they want to do” I went to undergrad and did fine. I picked a major that I was interested in, but mostly I was going to school because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?
I mean, I didn’t flunk out I got my degree and it was useful at all, but when it came time to go to grad school and I was older, more mature, and knew what I wanted, I was much more invested. It definitely made me reflect back that if I had applied myself in undergrad, I could’ve excelled so much more. But, I didn’t know. I was going through the motions, I didn’t have the maturity.
If your son *knows* what he doesn’t want to do but doesn’t know yet what wants instead, it honestly might be better to wait until he does. Even if he went to school right now, he’d basically just as much killing time as he is not being in school. This way he’s at least making (a little money) instead of wasting it on an education that may or may not be what he needs.
It sounds like he’s bright, it sounds like he knows how to apply himself, I know you’re worried but he’ll probably end up fine. Once he figures out what he wants and who he is, he’ll probably be better primed to succeed.
“Hi, I am a truly deranged, absurdly vapid and tragically shallow bitch — why oh why could my son ever possibly be fucked up?”
Sigh…
Your son has to make his own decisions to be a man. If you try to force your vision of his life on him he will have to take a different path just to be an independent man. My mom tried to force religion on my brother and when she made her stand that he wasn’t welcome if he didn’t attend church he just never came by to visit. He was alienated and he still is. He is 58 and has been alienated for about 40 years because my mom wouldn’t accept that he had the right to make his own life choices. Think about whether you want to alienate your son for life.
Your son isn’t a failure or loser for taking a path different than the one you chose for him. He is doing what he needs to do. You need to bridge the gap. Tell him you know that he worked very hard through high school and you are very proud of all he accomplished. Then say you realize he probably needs a break and time to figure out what he wants to do in life. Don’t put an end date on when he needs to decide what works for him.
With his ADHD college may not be the best path for him. A trade school might be better. A job that allows him to be up and moving around might be better. If he decided to do something like HVAC he could be done much more quickly, be gainfully employed rather than running up college debt and could become his own boss. The people in trades around here living in nice houses. There is a huge demand for people who can do things like HVAC, carpentry, electricity and plumbing. You may be embarrassed by his career choice if he does something like that but that says more about you than about him and his value as a person.
To put it all in perspective, my neighbors sent their son to a private prep school and instead of going to college he got into drugs and then got caught making meth. He did most of a five year term in prison and was out less than a year when he got caught making meth again. He is awaiting his second trial and sentencing. You know your kid messed up when they become a felon and that is embarrassing.
The son of another neighbor became an alcoholic and got a bunch of DUIs and then became a heroin addict. Again, he came from a high achieving family. His mom has a PhD and his dad has been a local politician. The kid went through rehab and appeared to be doing well until he was found dead after getting back into heroin. You know your kid messed up when you find them dead.
Your kid is gainfully employed and sounds like a good kid. He could be doing far worse and be an actual embarrassment. If your friends can’t be happy for your son then you’ve picked the wrong friends. Friends should care about the person rather than the outward appearance of that person.
I think there may be two problems here. One, is that your son may be depressed or have anxiety or even be using drugs or something besides the ADHD. So, I suggest you get him to a therapist or someone he feels comfortable talking to in order to figure out what is really going on because it sounds like he can’t talk to you right now. Two, is that you are putting too much pressure on him and may have expectations that are too high right now. Relax a bit. He absolutely shouldn’t have lied to you about his grades or anything, but teenagers will often do that when they feel under great pressure. Don’t compare him or your life to anyone else’s – deal with your jealousy towards others, don’t put that on him. And teenagers also cuss their parents out, so just let that one slide. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your son to do well, but there are times when mental health or something else can get in the way. So relax. Take a breath. Get rid of your anger. Get him to a therapist or someone he can talk to. Then be supportive – offer loving advice but not directives – be supportive if he decides he wants to take a year off from school to be a waiter or if he decides to transfer to a different less demanding school or whatever he decides. It sounds like he is going through a crisis right now and you don’t want to add to that crisis. Best of luck!
@Copa brings up an excellent point. Harvard is one of the most selective universities on the planet, accepting only 6% of applicants. The average GPA for accepted students is a 4.1 If you truly believe that Harvard would accept your son with a 3.6 GPA, you are deluding yourself. No matter how many AP/advance courses he took, he would likely never received admission to Harvard based on his GPA. When you created an unobtainable goal for your son, a goal not based in reality, you set your son up to fail. Hell, I had over a 4.1 and received rejections from the two Ivy Leagues to which I applied; my SAT scores were not high enough. Instead, I chose to attend a public university and then took five years off to work and enjoy my youth. When I finally went back to pursue my J.D., I felt ready for the challenges of professional school. Not once did my parents ever consider me a failure for not attending an Ivy or pursuing an alternative schedule.
You describe your son as a child unable to manage social interactions from a very young age. You state that his behavior drove all his friends away by age 14. Did you ever talk with your son’s doctor(s) about therapy or treatment to help improve his social skills? I can’t imagine what it feels like to be a 14-year-old boy with no friends, especially one facing unrealistic pressure to perform at an impossible level. You also mention your son’s ADHD diagnosis as a barrier to his success, but it sounds like you unilaterally decided to end his treatment over weight concerns without discussing the impact and effects on your son with his treating physician.
HIS behavior has been revolting. He’s done a lot of cra p y things to me and others, but he got better while on his meds…then he just stopped and things have gone to him being miserable. And he REFUSES to get help or to go back to the Doctors to get the help he needs…
Based on the timeline you provided in your update, you felt your son’s behavior was “revolting” until he began taking medication again towards the end of high school. I am at a loss to understand why you did not explore treatment/therapy options when he was a minor. A 14 year-old boy should be an active part of the process, but you are his mother. Now that your son is legally an adult, there is nothing you can do to force your son to attend school or take medication against his will. Your son has been struggling since he was a small child. If you wanted to help your son become successful as an adult, you lost an incredibly important opportunity to ensure your son received the services he needed to be successful as a child.
Your son doesn’t need Harvard to be successful. He needed a parent who had a realistic idea of what her son was capable of, unconditional love, and support from adults and peers. You can continue to be irrationally upset or you can focus your frustration on the responsible party here: you.
I think the LW feels ashamed/embarrassed because this is what our society tells us we should feel. For some reason, adults who have kids are also judged by the actions of their kids. Not saying it’s right just saying that the pressure is real. Such as, kids must go to college, kids must play 3 sports, play a instrument, join 2 clubs and volunteer on top of it – take lots of AP classes, get a head start on college, etc. Unfortunately, the pressure then creates situations like this LW and her son are in.
But I agree with the other posters, LW. You son is his own person and needs to be himself and figure things out for himself with no more pressure from you. Just love your son for who he is and let him live his life. Don’t feel embarrassed at all and if your friends make you feel that way, get better friends.
Most people I know who took ADHD meds as teens say they felt zonked out or completely detached. So if you wanted your son to simply be docile and malleable then I can see the appeal of medication.
The more I think about this, the more I want your son to just move out and live his life.
I work with college students and students who are in school only because their parents want them to be do not graduate. I have students who TRY to do it, but if they don’t truly want it, then they don’t go to class, they don’t do homework, etc. They just spend all their or their parents money on classes they do nothing for. Adding a learning disability or mental health issue, and the chances of him actually getting a degree in this state are very, very slim.
So, while you are disappointed and concerned, I think you need to detach yourself from the expectation that he’s going to get a degree. Maybe he’ll go back some day. But at this time, it’s not going to happen.
Most students I’ve worked with in this situation are incredibly ashamed and scared about their future. Especially if their family expected them to be exceptional. Chances are, he doesn’t WANT to be a waiter, but if he’s hearing from you that you basically have no respect for him anymore and all that, then he’s going to get defensive and upset.
At this point, the goal should be supporting him as he makes decisions that are best for him based on his current situation and based on WHO HE IS, not who you thought he was or who you want him to be. That’s probably going to involve trying to salvage the relationship and not conveying to him all the time how negatively you see him now. Having your parent think so many terrible things about you is hard and when you have no one who supports you, it’s very hard to try to support yourself.
You refused to give him meds for his ADD while he was in high school bc the *FIRST* one he took made him loose weight. You do know that there are a number of ADD meds on the market and you have to sometimes try a few before one works? You pushed your child with 11 AP classes and he did amazingly well in spite of his diagnosis…that alone is a huge accomplishment. He tried college. College is way harder than high school…no hand holding from the teachers, and for your son, no real help for his ADD. So of course, he crashed and burned….have you thought that his rejection of doctors and treatment stem from your rejection of those very things when he was in high school?
I have a 22 year old. He has inattentive ADD. He took meds in middle school and most of high school. He noticed a difference in his ability to stay on task when he took his meds. He also, in junior year, decided to not take them any longer. I let him make that decision. He screwed up in junior year and had credits hanging out there – so he took an extra semester to graduate high school. Was I thrilled? No. but he understood that finishing a semester behind his peers was due to his actions. He then decided to take a gap year. He has, in the past 3 years, been in and out of college. When he is not in college he works. Right now he works two jobs and is stock piling money. He does still live at home, and he does contribute monetarily to the household bills now.
Would I like to see him close to graduation like the majority of his peers? Sure I would. But his path, his chosen path, is different from any halcyon dreams I may have had of his life. What counts the most to me if that he is a happy, responsible young man.
It is early in your son’s story. And that is the key point of my ramble – it is your son’s story. I know you have hopes and dreams and visions of what he will do with his life – but it is now time for you to support him in his own choices. Part of parenting is letting go…allowing our children to follow their own paths and make their own choices. Our only job now is to love and accept them.
I think your son is doing just fine. He is 19, he has a job and an apartment and he has a goal. It does not have to be your envisioned goal for him. Let the anger that your carrying go…it will destroy your relationship with your son.
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