“My Brother’s Ex Keeps My Niece Away From Us”
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From a LW:
“I’m reaching out because I need advice on my brother’s baby mama. Let’s call her “Sarah” so at one point Sarah and my brother were married, they have a daughter together, who is five. While married, Sarah was a “friend” to me…after her and my brother separated it’s as if she divorced the whole family. My brother doesn’t have custody because he was going through some legal troubles, but doing better. Also my niece’s mom can be controlling and when things don’t go her way she keeps my niece away from my brother to try and “hurt” him.
I still get to see my niece from time to time when her mom ALLOWS my brother to get her. I feel hurt because as an aunt I try my best to reach out, especially during holidays and birthdays and I get ignored. I even reach out to plan outings and no response. Sarah’s birthday was the other day I wished her a happy birthday and she left me on seen. I’m trying to be the cordial adult in this whole situation and it gets no where. Being the dad’s side of the family is depressing, my brothers actions fall on me and I stay out the way and living my own life yet I get ignored as if I’m nothing. Should I just stop reaching out all together?”
I think you should keep trying, but only for birthdays and Christmas. Don’t keep pestering her. The divorce is probably still raw. If you annoy the mama too much, she might cut you off completely. If you run into her, be polite and don’t discuss the divorce. Perhaps you can offer to babysit sometimes.
I think you should keep trying, but only for birthdays and Christmas. Don’t keep pestering her. The divorce is probably still raw. If you annoy the mama too much, she might cut you off completely. If you run into her, be polite and don’t discuss the divorce. Perhaps you can offer to babysit sometimes.
If your brother is doing better, then he can petition the court for visitation. Unless he committed a violent felony, a court will grant visitation at least. What you can do is save money to help your brother hire a good lawyer. Then once he has visitation your family can see the child during his visitation hours. There’s not much else for your to do, since the mom has complete control until the court grants a custody order.
As others said, this is his issue. He should have petitioned for some kind of visitation, which sounds like he could have. Unless he’s a child predator/violent offender, I can’t see how he couldn’t legally see his kids-even if it was supervised visitation. He has to make an effort, it’s not all on mom. Does he pay child support? Does anyone help this single mother?
Your niece is five. Do not abandon her. Like honestly, how long have you tried, here? Not long! She is five. Send her cards, postcards even, small gifts if you can. Offer to help her mother. Offer to babysit. Don’t cause drama. Stay in that girls life. Even if you never get a response, she will know you were there. Please don’t give up on her. Instead of being mad at your brother’s ex who you refer to as his “baby mama” (that term is not respectful, BTW, they were married) be mad at your brother who has done nothing to make this situation easier. He could be supporting more, hiring a lawyer and getting things in writing. He isn’t. That’s his fault.
Since he was able to read, I send my nephew one letter a week. It’s on a blank 3×5 notecard. I put a sticker in the corner. The letter was just news about my day. How I’m thinking about him. Maybe a silly joke. Nothing serious. Just something special that he can open, read and save. I buy envelopes in bulk that fit the notecard. They are my special color so he always knows my letter has arrived.
Keeping in touch doesn’t have to be overly complicated. Your SIL can read the letters and see that you are saying nothing critical. Keep it light. You can even say nice things about her – like “don’t forget, your mom’s birthday is soon.” or “Mother’s day is soon, I hope you are doing something nice for your mom.” It just shows that you’re not the enemy. Don’t try to communicate to your SIL through the letter. It doesn’t work. Don’t expect a letter back, that’s just not going to happen with a 5 year old. But it will establish a relationship and keep you in her world.
Maybe she feels as if you are judging her parenting? Have you been making little barbed comments like “baby mama” and “keeping my niece away from me?” My crazy mother recently said I was keeping her grandchildren away from her and I cannot tell you how that made me blow my lid. She doesn’t attempt a relationship with my kids, and as a parent, you have to cut your losses and carefully explain away why granny in AZ is so weird and you don’t see her much. It’s not easy trying to sculpt something more pleasant for the kids out of a shitty situation. Perhaps you remind her of her ex and it’s as simple as that? Be nice. No one deserves access to a child, even family. I don’t care how good you think it’ll be, her mother’s peace of mind matters most because she has to take care of the kid. Are you kind? Compassionate? Easy going? Show up with food and something fun for the kid? Be good to her and she’ll allow you around. Be patient.
If this post is just because she didn’t respond to your birthday text you need to let that shit go. Give her some grace and let this little dumb “I’m taking every slight personally” immature crap go. She didn’t respond to your bday text, what does that have to do with you being present for your niece??? I have two kids and I don’t respond to 75% of texts because I get distracted, I’m working, etc. You should kick your brother in the ass for being a deadbeat dad instead of giving this woman a hard time.
