“My husband’s past with brothels”
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I doubt LW’s husband thought of visiting a legal brothel as involving a key moral value. I don’t know what country he’s from, but if he’s Cambodian or Thai, then 75-80% of his countrymen have been serviced by prostitutes and it is not viewed as out of the ordinary. LW’s name sounds Vietnamese. I’m not sure what the view on prostitution is there. That’s part of the problem. It isn’t possible to predict all of the ideological minefields in a SO’s mind if the SO doesn’t mention them.
It does sound like this couple did not do a lot of deep discussion before deciding to get married. Obviously that was a mistake. Trying to make up for that mistake by deep-drilling your spouses sexual history after marriage and a child together seems unlikely to work. Yes, the marriage was rushed, because his father was gravely ill, but at that point they had already decided to marry and she was already pregnant.
I wonder if she would have even mentioned ‘frequenting a brothel’ as one of her red lines/red flags prior to seeing that her husband had visited a brothel. It’s more common in that part of the world than it is here, but I doubt many dating Americans share their views on prostitution, even if one has visited a legal foreign brothel.
Another interesting stat from the survey: 6% of adult Americans say they have accepted payment for sex (more women than men on this one). So it cuts both ways: not much difference in the odds that the bride has been paid for sex than that the groom has paid for sex.
“I doubt many dating Americans share their views on prostitution, even if one has visited a legal foreign brothel.”
I don’t doubt this. It comes up. It’s seriously come up a bunch of times just in conversation with my husband. Like a guy at a wedding we were at was propositioned, turned the woman down, and then the next day this OTHER guy was AWOL all day and everyone figured he had the prostitute in his hotel room. Or, my husband went to Asia for Worlds years ago, and talked about team members and prostitutes. I’m sure I asked him whether he ever did. That kind of thing. It does come up.
Whoever I’m dating, I want to understand their stance on strip clubs and prostitutes, so I ask (I’m fine with strip clubs for bachelor parties and stuff, but not too cool with lap dances unless it’s *his* party or I’m there. Which I really don’t anymore.
Dude – come on. People have very divisive opinions on prostitution in the West. That is known. Personally, I see a lot of grey in it, but it should not be a surprise to anyone that if you are dating someone in a western culture, chances are they might have a *very* strong opinion on the matter.
And sure, I don’t know exactly where they live, but if he lived in Australia, he for sure is acquainted with Western attitudes.
And I not saying he is wrong for seeing a sex worker, and I am not saying he is supposed to tell her his sexual history explicitly, I am saying he should know he might have a problem if this pops up in the future (which surprise it did! Sure, she snooped, but there are a multitude of ways she could’ve learned inadvertently).
Better to be proactive and suss out, in theoretical, conceptual terms, where she was on the whole issue before agreeing to marry her.
Hell, we could even say *she’s* in the wrong with her attitude, but regardless there are a lot of like minded people like her. So, he had to have known there was potential that this could come up and bit him in the ass.
Why is it a surprise? Her English is as good as anyone’s, and she’s weirded out by prostitution (which by your logic she shouldn’t be if she’s living in Asia).
Also – no it’s probably not standard conversation in most relationships because it’s not an issue in most relationships, most people have not gone to sex worker. Its not a thing for most. It is a thing for him.
Just like a woman who has had an abortion (and isn’t internally conflicted or hypocritical about it), she should know it could be an issue for her prospective partner. So better to find out if they’re conceptually on the pro-choice side. You can have conversations about the morality and legality of things like abortion and prostitution without talking about your personal experiences. And you can steer the conversation in that direction to get clarity. You don’t have to wait for an opportunity to talk about things that are important to you in philosophical terms. You can just bring stuff up.
I’ve had lots of philosophically conversations with my husband on where he stands on issues of importance to me. Some are drawn directly from my history, many are not.
I absolutely support a woman’s right to choice and have an abortion, but I also think it would be foolhardy of her to knowingly marry someone who is very pro-life. It would be foolhardy to not establish where he stands early on and only learn he actually has a big problem with abortion when too much time and emotion has been invested.
That’s just asking for a huge blow-up down the line. Marry someone who you know would be okay with abortions (even if they don’t necessarily know that you personally have had one).
Firestar, my point is you think there is zero discussion to be had about the husband fucking hookers. But I pointed out a possible BIG concern (and you have ZERO idea if the answer is yes or no) to demonstrate that conversation is necessary, important, etc.
Your position of “You don’t have to talk to your husband or wife about his or her concerns if you don’t wanna” is legally speaking correct—but so, so foolhardy and ridiculous.
And if you live in the US and you don’t even know fucking hookers is legal in some parts of Australia—I seriously doubt it would occur to a woman to ask if her husband frequented a legal brothel while he lived there.
Northern Star can you please stop calling them hookers. It’s really disrespectful and just plain nasty. They are sex workers.
Northern star. You are making things up and then telling me I have zero idea if they are true. You are right. I have no idea if the fictional girlfriend you made up exists in real life. I’m guessing though, the LW with the cheated upon past might have mentioned it. Perhaps in passing.
I don’t have to account to my husband about anything that predated him if I choose not to. And certainly not anything pillaged from my past against my will. And thankfully my husband would be hella confused if my definition of marriage stripped him of autonomy and a sense of privacy or self outside of me and my feelings. Every pot does have its lid.
People can’t control what they feel but just because you feel something, that does not mean your feeling is valid. Even if you are married. Sometimes the answer isn’t validation. Sometimes the answer is self control.
I get the sense a lot of husbands are going to be asked about brothels tonight. May God have mercy on their poor souls.
