From a LW:

“My partner of 15 years and I are in our fifties, and we’re raising a teen (my son from a former marriage) with an intellectual disability. 90% of our relationship has been amazing. We own a cute house together in a very expensive area. We have great friends and satisfying jobs. We love each other and we’ve gotten through tough times together by being supportive and forgiving.

But over the past several years, things have changed. Now, when the going gets really bad, he becomes emotionally abusive.

I’m not talking “the toaster oven broke” bad, or even “the emergency plumber is charging us $3k” bad. I’m talking more along the lines of it’s the depth of the pandemic and I make a financial mistake that costs us tens of thousands of dollars we haven’t got. Or we’re dealing with the aftermath of a (small) fire in our house when he learns that his sister is terminally ill, and then I commit a social faux pas and he feels humiliated.

It’s not that I don’t make errors in judgment, or that I always conduct myself in the best possible way. But I can’t handle the way he responds to conflict between us now.

He becomes ice cold and stops talking to me for days. When he starts again, he puts me down in front of my kid, picks fights, and sometimes even screams at me. He becomes controlling over when and how long I spend time with my friends and family. If I have a point of view different from his I’m automatically wrong, and if I don’t back down and apologize I’m a terrible partner who doesn’t listen. If I don’t want to be treated this way, his solution is for me not to make him angry in the first place.

This can go on for months, and it’s just getting worse. He acknowledges that his behavior harms our relationship, but not that it harms me. He apologizes eventually, but refuses to get professional help. And even when things are good I don’t like to bring up anything controversial because I’m afraid of his temper.

Over time his hostility does dissipate and he seems like himself again. For a year or more he’ll be kind and thoughtful and encourage my friendships and creative pursuits. If money gets tight he’ll take on extra work; if I’m feeling down he’ll be extra sweet. That’s what things are like most of the time. And though I’ll never feel as close to him as I used to, day-to-day we enjoy each other’s company.

Also, I can’t see myself starting over at this age. My income alone isn’t enough to provide myself and my kid with any real financial stability in this area, but I love my job and it’s a little late for a career change. Also, my support network of friends and family are all here. I’d be alone with no safety net if I went anywhere else.

What this comes down to is I don’t trust my partner anymore. Life being what it is, things will go badly wrong again eventually, and I’m bound to make more errors in judgment. So, since he won’t address the core of whatever makes him go on these anger benders, they’re bound to happen again. I can’t take it even one more time. And I do *not* want him to be the person in charge of me or my teen in the event I become incapacitated.

I’ve started working on my own codependency issues through a twelve-step program and it’s helping, but that doesn’t tell me my best response to this dilemma right now. Should I give my partner an ultimatum about getting professional help, even though things are going well? Should I stick around but quietly make preparations to leave when the next disaster strikes? Or is there another alternative I’m not seeing?

Sincere thanks for your thoughts. — Not Sure Whether to Rock the Boat“