Should I end this friendship …
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I previously posted “Prolonging the inevitable”; however, this post is not about that. I have a male friend (married) who I’ve known for about 4 years now. We weren’t very close for about 2.5 years since I met my now ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend did not like this friend because he knew of several inappropriate things this friend had done. This friend is married and is 22 years older than me. I have always seen him as a friend and have told him that. He did act inappropriately by grabbing my thighs under the blanket on his couch, asking for kisses, etc. I always said no to the kisses and moved his hands when he tried to grab my thighs. Now that I think about it I think I should’ve put a stop to these things a long time ago but I also struggle to enforce my boundaries. We didn’t hang out as much for about 2.5 years but since my ex and I broke up I started visiting a little more again. He recently told me that he is “deeply in love with me as a person”. He said it’s not in a romantic way and he loves his wife more. LOL. We went to his hot tub and he tried sticking his foot in my shorts while we were there. There were other people around but even if there had been no one, I thought that was simply weird. I moved his feet out of the way. When we left, I was only wearing a dress and my undies since I’d be showering at home. He squeezed my butt out of the blue and I told him not to do that again. He said he wouldn’t do it for another couple of months. The next day I told him that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t do things after I told him not to. He says that he always asks for permission and such but even when I say no to things he insists and tries to convince me. I was very upset about that because I feel taken advantage of. He says that he and his wife haven’t been close for 7 years. I’m not saying he should divorce her but it’s his choice to stay if that’s even the case. He said he likes to stay “push the boundaries” basically because he knows I will stop him. I feel like that’s very unfair to me because I shouldn’t have to deal with that. Other friends have told me I should end the friendship and even tell his wife about these things. I don’t want or need drama in my life.. he is also very dramatic. I almost feel like his wife would blame me for not saying anything sooner if I told her. I’ve kept him as a friend because he has always been there for me when I’ve needed someone but I just don’t know if he can even be the type of friend I need. I’ve constantly asked him to only see me as a friend and nothing else. I feel like I’m constantly asking him not to do things…
This is not a friendship. He has sexually assaulted you multiple times and has groomed you into thinking he’s an ok guy who pushes the boundaries occasionally. He’s disgusting. There is no way this will end well and you need to cut contact and block him, no explanation from you needed. Don’t try and have another conversation or hear his side, as he will just try and manipulate you further.
He’s sexually assaulting you every moment, and you think this is friendly behavior? You need to see a therapist. I struggle to wonder the type of treatment you’ve accepted from men in your life if you have this man in your “he’s capable of being a friend to me,” box. The man had explicitly told you and shown you he feels it’s fine to put his fingers or feet wherever he wants, regardless of who sees and I am really stretching to wonder why this is okay for you.
Stop seeing this guy. Make an appointment with a therapist. It seems everyone can easily see what this 22 year older friend is to you, but you. Why is that?
This and your relationship issues almost scream out for therapy. Something is not right, and it behooves you to address this so it does not affect your child. I hope she’s not met this guy.
Thank you for your advice. I am actually in therapy and have talked to my counselor about this before. This was before this last incident. If I think about every single incident, I almost feel guilty and I didn’t do anything. I do need to figure out why I let people cross my boundaries and now allow it because this is not something I want.
I surprised your therapist isn’t giving you tools for that, or helping you to see that men who use you like this are abusing you. It might be better to see a new therapist- one who is actively supporting healthy choices for you. How often do you see this person? Have they really helped you change your life in a positive way? It doesn’t sound like it.
Why do you think you allow a man to touch you all over like he does? If you were married to a man like that, would you want to know your husband was fondling other women, constantly?
I am perplexed by this behavior compared to the last post you wrote and your admitted puritanical views on porn. I mean, I think it’s an interesting double standard. You don’t have to answer to me, at all however I think it would be good to ask yourself these things and do some serious reflection here. Why is being treated as a sexual plaything seen as “friendly” behavior to you? Why did you restart this “friendship”/sexual thing that’s making you feel so bad?
I hope you find a better therapist in this new year and focus more on your daughter and your healing. You do not need a man in your life while you heal.
I am not looking at you to explain to me, you don’t have to explain anything but I think you should think about your upbringing and your relationship with men and maybe take a break from guys for awhile and in the meantime, find a great therapist.
You say you feel guilty but you didn’t do anything.
You didn’t fondle him, but why are you seeing him? What good is coming from this?
Many people would say you are an adult and it is your choice to spend time with a man who sexually abuses you or not, and you keep seeing him. You can stop at any time. Why would you see him at all is the mind boggler.
You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but this is not healthy behavior,
My therapist is actually a great one and she can only give me advice. Her advice had been to set boundaries and consequences and follow through. The consequence for the repeated behavior would be the end of the friendship. I thought it was enough to express my dislike of certain behaviors but I should’ve set the consequence as well. That was on me…
Yes, I would definitely want to know if my husband was acting inappropriately.
I don’t blame you for being perplexed. I don’t think it’s appropriate behavior at all and I definitely don’t enjoy it.
I don’t know why I’ve put up with it for so long. I think I’ve kept him as a friend because he has always been there when no one else has. I have realized that I struggle with standing up for myself and enforcing my boundaries. So that’s something I’ve been working on. I do realize that whether he is in my life or not I’ll be fine. Whether I’m alone or have others to rely on.Your therapist sucks, actually. Any thinking person would tell you to stop seeing the man that is sexually abusing you. What has he done that is friendlike?
Where is the push to think deeper about this? You need a new therapist. A therapist should be alarmed at this behavior and asking the questions I am asking you. You seem fine with sexually subjugating yourself, and it’s really shocking to hear you have a therapist holding your hand talking about boundaries. This is far beyond boundaries.
You have a daughter. You need to get better and have a healthy relationship with sex and men or she may not have a healthy relationship with them.
This is not a friend, it’s a skeevy creep who you hang around with because you’re probably lonely.
I mean honestly, I’m not trying to beat you up or make you feel bad because maybe you genuinely do not know how to deal with anything. The right response the first time he touched you inappropriately was, get your hand off me, don’t ever touch me again, and go home now. And frankly you should have never hung out again, but if you did and he touched you again, you would say, I told you never to touch me again. Get out of here.
Definitely therapy to figure out why you it up with this shit. Don’t get into telling his wife, just never hang out with him again.
I’m concerned about your daughter too. Are you going to teach her to tell guys, “I don’t like it when you grab my bare ass,” or are you going to teach her to say “do not touch me,” and then go to an adult in a position of authority and tell them what happened?
And be honest, has he really “been there for you?” Or has he been willing and able to spend time with a woman not his wife who allows him to grab some feels and might possibly be up for something more?
Why are you under a blanket with a married man? Why are you in a hot tub alone with him after he’s molested you once? This is bad judgment, bad choices. Which, again, behavior you’re modeling for your daughter.
