My god. Why cares?!? Who cares what your deranged parents say about you? It is time to move on. Why are you still engaging? Stop doing that and then telling us how badly it went. It’s not going to go well! You’re not going to get closure. You do need to get therapy! The games Kate is referring to- I don’t know but just maybe she’s referring to the many times you have come on pretending to be your mom, dad, maybe a sibling, for all I know half of what you’re saying is lies.

Talking to your siblings really is not the way to go about this. Not everyone wants to talk about their sexually abusive father at the drop of a hat. Like stopping by your sister’s house sounds great but maybe don’t bring up dad calling her a ho? Maybe don’t bring up how he kicked her out as soon as he found out she had sex or whatever other creepy tidbit. This king of trauma can keep hurting people unless they are ready to discuss it and it’s not up to you to decide when that is. You need to stop looking for closure from the people who were damaged by your parents or are your parents and get to a therapist. You may need years of therapy- I did. It feels good now though and I’m able to handle my life without asking why all the time.

Merry Christmas

I texted that because I knew she’d be even more upset if I didn’t say anything at all on Christmas. I can see what you’re saying, Kate, but I’m sure what she means by “game” are my attempts to stay semi-connected to her but no longer my dad…and to her, I’m the “petulant child” trying to play nice with mom but holding mean, childish grudges against dad.

My mom has been the enabler in a lot of my dad’s abuse, yes. But I did have more forgiveness for her, and she’s also been through a lot of loss the past couple of years, so I did want to stay in her life in some degree to support her.

Clearly though, she considers her and my dad a package deal. And not only have I already been “figuring out” how I feel about them (slowly distancing), we had that Thanksgiving conversation that called things to the table. She was in denial and deflecting, then. Now I hear from my brother that they’ve been ranting around the house about me for months, promising to say something about it, and the most I get is the convoluted, accusatory Christmas text…of which they’re no doubt expecting me to respond to, which feels like playing into their immaturity and placing myself in more volatile, unfair conversations.

I actually think she doesn’t want you to respond. Your mom called you out. You can’t distance yourself and then text Merry Christmas. Choose a lane.

Your mom is telling you -don’t walk away and still think you can text me. You can’t leave the family and ALSO pop up around holidays for love and affection from the mom you’re separating yourself from. Please stop fucking around and contact a therapist.

You don’t know how to properly set boundaries and decide how if at all you’ll engage and with whom. You seem to think you can DIY this after at least half a lifetime of abuse and isolation. With a little help from a message board where you’re not even honest with us so we don’t really know what’s going on. This isn’t working. Literally it’s a therapist’s job to help you with this. Be honest, why aren’t you working with one? You have a job. You have health insurance. There’s typically some amount of therapy that’s covered. There are less costly options like Better Health. Why are you not doing it?

I don’t get the “leaving with no explanation” thing either. I’m skeptical you moved out because your posts and timeline about it were all over the place, but let’s say you did. Well over a year ago as you claimed recently. So? That doesn’t require an explanation. As an employed 26-y/o adult it’s just like, time for me to get my own place. And you did say, in your recent posts, that you’d explained your stance to your mom. So I mean, done. Next step is to work out a script that you’re going to stick to, and how and when you’re going to engage, if at all. With a professional therapist.