What the heck do I do?
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Hi Kate, by timeless, I meant that I should have waited for the event to be over and spoken to the person who hired him. I am aware of this.
In regards to my mother, for reasons I don’t really want to go into, she doesn’t deal well with people being aggressive towards her, and she shuts down. Growing up knowing I would have to defend her is probably why I am so protective of the woman in my life, and it is a behavior I am currently in therapy to unlearn in regard to women in general. That said where she is concerned it was often necessary as a child as we did not live in a safe country as we do now. In some cases is still necessary, but I recognize this is not one of them.
As for the senior pastor, he was not completely in the right either, his own words, not mine. As he went into the original conversation with me assuming I had acted solely because of my mother and because of the food issue and not because of the caterer being rude.
I have already apologized to him for losing my temper, and I think it goes without saying that I understand I am going to be on thin ice for the foreseeable future. I recognize that.
To answer your question about berating, it may be a cultural thing, but to me, berating implies a loud, maybe not yelling, but certainly harsh tone/volume of voice. If this definition is incorrect, then perhaps I did berate him, I am prepared to be corrected on that. But as I see it currently, no I did not berate him. I may have chastised him upon looking back which does somewhat make my actions hypocritical as well, but I don’t think I berated him.
“In regards to my mother, for reasons I don’t really want to go into, she doesn’t deal well with people being aggressive towards her, and she shuts down.”
Ok, so… one or the other of you should have submitted a complaint afterward, like the others did.
Not to pile on, but agreed that you were out of bounds pulling the caterer aside and saying anything to them. That was not your job and it was inappropriate. Also interesting that you describe the caterer’s behavior as berating and say he was *yelling* while your behavior was a discreet correction even though it was threatening(!?). You’re awfully forgiving of your own behavior and I suspect blowing the caterer’s out of proportion. It’s good you’re willing to reflect on this, though.
I’m not familiar with what’s acceptable in your line of work, but… I’d never put my mom on the phone to help me handle/take my side during a work dispute.
A handful of years ago at a work event, the longtime photographer we worked with started talking crap about my company to any attendee who would listen. Word spread to staff that he was doing this. The person who had to deal with it in the moment was the coworker who was in charge of the photographer. To the photographer, he said something like, “We have enough photos from this evening, so you can head out now.” The problematic behavior was addressed later and we severed ties with him after that. I realize it’s different, but just saying there are ways to handle these things where communication flows through the proper channels and everyone remains polite in the moment so as not to draw attention.
I mean, you acted inappropriately, at a milestone event (50 years is a big deal!) to the point that people immediately complained about your behavior.
I find that interesting, that your mother was “yelled at” by the caterer, with hundreds of people around and no one else witnessed that? And he was yelling and berating others? It’s hard to believe, but okay. That would have been apparent to others and it was still not your place to do anything.
Then, when your superior called you, instead of explaining what happened calmly, you yelled at your superior. I don’t care if he apologized to you, I don’t honestly think he owed you one with the way you behaved, from the way you’ve written it. You definitely need some help with this stuff. You are incredibly defensive to us, as well. You need to learn to let stuff go.
As has been said, we’ve all fucked up, spectacularly and with great embarrassment sometimes. But your ego surrounding this situation is going to hold you back. You have an immense ego and no sense of humbleness coming off of you at all. That’s a problem. Admit your faults, do better and move on. Stop explaining how you’re actually in the right. You’re not.
Why are you so wrapped up with your mother? His relationship sounds unusual. Why does she “need” someone to defend her but she also has to defend you to your superior? This is the year 2022. That’s sexist bullshit and I’m sorry your mother believes it but you have also been enabling it. Help her. Get her help. Enroll her in karate. Stop with the sexism.
Why would you ever involve your parent in your service or work?That seems childish and strange. How old are you? What is “coming to the ministry late in life” mean? Are you 25 or 50?
You know what has made me a great boss and parent to two amazing children? I admit it every time I mess up. I tell everyone. I’m human, I make errors and make bad choices sometimes or behave badly. BUT I don’t yell or scream at people.
Take the lesson, stop pretending what you did was deserved.
I also don’t want to pile on, I know how it can feel when you write in and have these responses and not understand why we can’t see it your way. But, I’d still encourage you to humble yourself and focus on yourself and your behavior and not others.
I realize I didn’t answer your actual question, which is what we think you should do next. If it were me, I’d be going in to the meeting you have today with the senior minister ready to take accountability for my behavior and offer an apology. I’m not convinced you understand you were in the wrong with the caterer, but if it were me, I’d be ready to say that I handled the situation inappropriately. If nothing else, I think you should at least be ready to apologize for losing it and being so “animated” over the phone.
I could see how your mom may have raised you somehow to think of her and others as fragile beings who need protection from men, but the reality is different and it’s good you’re working on that in therapy.
Like, yeah, call out rudeness when it happens, with a “hey, that’s rude,” but you absolutely do not have to confront people and make it personal. At the end of the day here, a couple people had rude or snarky comments made to them about their dietary preferences. From someone who’s known to be rude and had been warned as part of their terms of doing business. No one was harmed.
If your mom has you fired up to believe you must deal with these things, be conscious of taking a step back and thinking about, really? Does it need to be dealt with? Do *I* need to personally handle it? The answer is usually no.
You put your mother on the phone to your superior to defend you. She should have complained to someone else in the first place about the man who was rude and kept you completely out of it. She didn’t need you to defend her, if she also can defend you.
My grandmother is very similar to your mother in that she can’t handle aggression also, for many sad reasons. My family is very protective over her but we respect her as an individual and give her room to handle herself as she wishes in public before assisting in private if needed.
First you decided not to do that when you spoke for her with the caterer, then you made her defend you to your superior. I’m glad you’re in therapy to work on this behaviour because whew! There’s a lot to unpack there around when and why you ‘allow’ women to speak for themselves.
